Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
A n hour at the beach was my limit and although Max, his wife and the boys from his band did their best to keep the day low key and keep me entertained at the same time. I found I couldn’t relax.
Max’s wife had been Grace’s closest friend since they’d moved in to their place a month after us, and even though Grace wasn’t around anymore I couldn’t bring myself to let go all the while Sarah-Jayne was around.
Thankfully, Max was very laid back and said he understood. Derek only lived forty five minutes away from where we were and he came without question to pick me up. He gave me a meal and a bed for the night, then arranged a ride home for me early the following morning.
As I entered the house I went into the kitchen when I heard Layla talking. She was chatting excitedly in a one-person conversation, asking questions and answering herself about our plans for the day. Harper had been quietly listening but looked up at me when she heard me open the door. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously, checking me out as Layla jumped out of her seat and ran over toward me.
Hugging my leg, she grinned up at me with her cutest persuasive expression. “We’re still going to get my puppy today, right, Daddy?” The doubt in her voice melted my heart .
“Of course, Baby, I’d never let you down,” I responded, remember the way she’d conned an agreement from me a few days before.
Conscious of Harper watching me, I turned and locked gazes with her and immediately noted she didn’t look like her usual sunny self.
“Maybe Daddy needs a nap before we go out, Layla. You need to be patient,” she replied to my daughter in a clipped tone. I thought I heard tension in her tone and when she continued to regard me with suspicion, I wondered if she thought my stop out was due to a hook up. Not that it was any of her business, but it felt important to me to put her straight on that.
“Sorry I wasn’t home when you got up, Baby. I got stuck at Uncle Max’s place and ended up staying at Uncle Derek’s.
“Oh I see,” she mumbled then flashed me another persuasive smile. “But we’re still going to get my puppy, yes?” I nodded. “Absolutely, but I need a short time to clean and smarten myself up to meet it.” Tousling her hair, I bent and kissed her forehead. I glanced at Harper who sat quietly studying me.
Excusing myself I went upstairs, stripped, showered and got dressed again before making my way back to the kitchen. Matty was preparing food and had a pile of vegetables waiting to be chopped. Harper was resting her head on one elbow on the countertop and the conversation between the two women stopped when I entered their view.
Matty looked up and there was something in her look that made me think she had been speaking out of turn.
“Something wrong, Matty?” My housekeeper’s eyes ticked toward Harper as she slipped off her stool and nodded toward the kitchen door.
“I’m going to get Layla’s coat, if you’re ready?” she advised me and made her way out of the room.
Matty looked pleased for the diversion, but I wasn’t fazed. If they had been talking about me, then I wanted to know why. If I was to hazard a guess, my money was on them gossiping that I’d hooked up with some woman.
“If you were gossiping about me being with someone last night, you can forget it. And you don’t do that around my daughter. ”
“None of my business, Cole, and even if you spent the night naked with a harem of nymphs it would still be nothing to do with me. It’s beyond my pay grade to worry about your social life. Anyway, I may be an old woman, but if I may be so bold, a few nights away from your grief may be exactly what is needed.”
If anyone else had uttered those words I’d have taken offense, but I knew Matty worried about me, and what the future would do to me if I continued to close off the rest of the world. The glare I gave her in response said everything words couldn’t. I knew her response was voiced out of love, but in this case, there was nothing to defend.
It was love at first sight for Layla with a scrappy chocolate colored, eight-week-old Labrador. Immediately she stamped her mark on him by naming him Spot after a favorite canine character book series she was obsessed with. I snickered at the irony of the poor dog’s name, and my heart swelled to bursting point at the wide beaming smile she had when I told her we’d take him home.
Harper was almost as enamored with the puppy as my daughter, and I didn’t miss the pleasure she drew when I gave in to Layla’s over-the-top pleas for me to give in to her choice. It also made my heart clench when I heard Layla’s serious tone as she instructed Harper how to care for the little dog.
Layla was no stranger to pets. She’d had a Shetland pony since the age of two and had progressed to a bigger pony a few months before. Stuart had taught her right from the start, if she wanted to ride, she had to learn to muck out and take care of her animals. I glanced in the rearview mirror and smiled when I noted her hand resting protectively over the small pet carrier and I was in no doubt she would.
Seeing the proud look on her face in the rearview mirror, my eyes switched to Harper’s—who caught sight of mine—and she flashed me a smile before nodding at how firmly Layla had anchored the seat belt around the pet transporter cage on the way back from the breeder’s.
Organizing Spot’s bed and bowls, food and water, Layla then carried her tiny dog carefully in her arms and gave him a tour of the house. She barely put him down to have dinner; then she tired the poor puppy out by playing little games.
If she picked Spot up off the floor once, she did it a hundred times, and by the time Harper had bathed and put Layla down for the night, I was almost certain I’d heard the poor puppy groan in relief that she’d gone to bed.
The house was sedate and calm by the time Harper and I sat down to dinner together, but the vibe was different from the easygoing one we usually had. I had always enjoyed our friendship, but now I had to remind myself not to overstep.
I wondered if I’d imagined the chemistry I’d felt since I’d been home. The old single and carefree Cole wouldn’t have hesitated if he’d thought it was there, but this was Harper, my daughter’s caregiver, and no matter what my dick thought, this ass knew not to shit where it ate.
Between us we drank a couple of bottles of wine. It was more than I intended and, if I’m honest, I drank way more than her and became fixated on her smile. It gave me knots in my stomach and sparks of electricity twitched in my dick. Seeing Harper so comfortable around me gave me a warm glow I didn’t want to have.
“Aren’t you freezing?” Standing up, she wrapped her arms around her body before dropping to her hands and knees and stalked her way over to the fire on all fours. Her ass looked fabulous in her tight black jeans and my gaze focused solely on it.
Padding around, she settled in front of the fire and lay on her side, her elbow on the floor and her head in her hand.
“Not really,” I replied.
“So…” she asked, as she lay drawing my attention to the shape of her body accentuated by the glowing light behind her. The dip from her ribs drew my attention to her tiny waist and the raised curve of her hip.
“So?” I mirrored in a gruffer tone. My throat was dry as I basked in her beauty. I’d watched Harper turn from a barely-twenties gorgeous girl to a stunning mid-twenties woman. Everything about her screamed effortlessly sexy and, as I sat there, I wondered why she chose to keep doing what she did. Men would go nuts for her if she put herself out there. Hell, if I… I cut the thought dead .
“Did… you have fun last night?” There was both inquisitiveness and hesitancy in her tone.
“Fun?” I narrowed my eyes looking more intensely at her, wondering what she considered ‘fun’.
She blushed at my challenge. “Yeah, did you have a good time?”
I sniggered. “I think your idea of having fun and mine would be very different,” I replied, before the implication of my statement was thought through.
My response hit home, and I saw her chew on her bottom lip like she was confused by my statement.
“Cole, I know I take care of Layla, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t lived.”
My brow bunched, and I don’t know what made me ask but I did. “All right, are you asking if I got laid, Harper?” So much for not biting, Cole.
“I wasn’t, but the speed of your question gave me the answer to that if I had.”
Her eyes darting over my shoulder and around to various points in the room, before retraining them on me, told me she was nervous but testing her boundaries.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
She chuckled, “I figure the fact you thought I’d ask that kind of a question tells me it was obviously on your mind. The speed you answered tells me you’re frustrated, so no.”
“Correct. The answer is no. I never got laid, and I had no intention of doing so when I went out of this house. Could I have? Definitely, with any of the women at the beach I went to, but I bailed.”
Silence fell between us and it verged on awkward until I challenged her.
“What about you, Harper? You’re a young beautiful woman.” She dipped her eyes to the floor and her modest reaction to my compliment only made her more appealing. “You’re here with Layla all the time, and you’ve had what? One day off per week in all the time you’ve been here. When I offer time off, you always decline. Apart from school days and when Matty does some baking and other shit with Layla, you’re here twenty-four seven. When do you have time for fun… time for relationships? To get laid?” It was a fair question.
“Usually I go to the Sugar Trap bar on the other side of town and hook up. They have pretty interesting bikers over there, and those guys…” she replied fanning herself.
The Sugar Trap was known for being full of rough, hairy-assed bikers and their hos. Those guys made my previous rock star lifestyle look like Bible class.
“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” I asked with my eyebrows up in my hairline.
“Absolutely.” She chuckled and rolled onto her back on the floor; laughing so hard she was holding her sides. I have no idea why I reacted, but the next thing I knew I was down beside her, tickling her for getting a rise out of me.
Suddenly we both stopped, like my actions had only just caught up with my brain. I was astride her, staring down at my hands currently anchoring her wrists to the floor.
A look of utter shock passed between us. Her jaw gaped, but we held our gazes. I saw two things in her eyes. One, I’d turned her on, and two; she wanted… something.
Licking her lips, she writhed her body underneath me, and wriggled her wrists in my hands. I immediately let them go, stunned at what I’d done. “Fuck, sorry. It’s been a while since I had good conversation and the easy company of a beautiful woman. I forgot myself for a moment.”
Rising onto my knees, I lifted one leg over her body to join the other and sat down to the side of her.
“Fuck. I’m really sorry,” I stated again, my tone laced with frustration.
“I’m not sure why. It’s not like you did anything,” she offered in an even tone.
“Still, it was inappropriate,” I admitted.
“For a rock star? You’re kidding me, right?” she goaded, suddenly reaching up and grabbing the back of my head. Rising to meet me, she pulled me close to her face and planted a soft closed-mouthed kiss on my lips. “No, it wasn’t inappropriate, but that was. ”
With the soft imprint of her lips still fresh on my mind, I shook my head, but my eyes fell to her luscious mouth and I took a deep breath.
In that moment of hesitancy my body begged to have her, to give in to my feelings for her and my heart splintered in all directions, because it wasn’t only lust I felt. There were other emotions involved. I missed Grace, but she was fading. I loved Layla, and no matter what I felt I couldn’t act on my urge for more.
As we faced each other, sharing pounding heartbeats, it felt as if we’d become suspended in time. The whole tentative equilibrium of my family life hung in the balance like a coin spinning in the air, and I wasn’t sure where it would fall… or which side it would fall on.
“We can’t, Harper…” I blurted in disappointment as I began to breathe again. I swallowed past an emotional lump in my throat when I saw the hurt, dejected look in her eyes.
“Really? Why not? I’m not stupid, Cole. Do you think I haven’t noticed how you look at me? How sometimes you adjust yourself during those moments when sparks of electricity arc between us?” Fuck.
Stunned for a moment by her honest observations, I realized how na?ve I’d been to think she wouldn’t have noticed. “No crime in looking, Sweetheart.” I recognized the cocky tone from my band days. It was a cheap shot. A pause hung between us and I inhaled then sighed. “Look, you are far more precious to me than being a fuck buddy, because that’s all I can offer anyone these days. When Grace died, she took my heart with her.”
“You really think she’d want you to walk through the rest of your life like you’re waiting to die? Because you sure as shit aren’t living. It is possible to love more than one person in your life. Do you know that, Cole? Let me ask you this. If Grace were here now, would she still be attracted to you?”
My spine immediately straightened. “That’s a fucking stupid question.”
“Is it? You’ve got a daughter who’ll be six years old next birthday. She deserves a vibrant, happy father who’s not afraid to live for fear of disturbing the dust that’s settled in this house since her mother died. ”
Fury coursed through my veins at her outspoken judgmental attitude.
“You’re way off base,” I bellowed. “What are you suggesting, Harper? You slot right in and take my wife’s place? That I should ignore what my head and my heart are telling me and give you a shot? You’re right, you are overstepping, and this is an abuse of your privileged position in this house, because my hands are tied. We need you. You’re fucking Rapunzel in that ivory tower.”
“Don’t quote children’s storybooks to me, I’m an expert, remember? Besides, there’s more than a passing resemblance between us.” I furrowed my brow, confused as to what she meant. Sweeping her hair to the side over one shoulder, she exposed her neck in the same sexy way some women did, a move that had always hit me right in the balls.
“Obviously, my hair isn’t quite as long as hers, but I figure in the right hands I could be just as kinky. I’m not averse to a bit of hair pulling.”
I stared wide-eyed in disbelief at her; like she’d just told me she’d fucked a horny college football team, and I almost choked on her comment.
“Jesus, Harper, you can’t say shit like that to me,” I chuckled. “Please understand how flattered I am. I mean you’re a gorgeous girl, stunning and in another life…”
“This is another life. This is the one we have. You’ve been so consumed by what’s happened you’ve forgotten to live… and in turn you’ve forgotten to take note that other people have needs as well as you.”
Realizing that Harper was telling me she had feelings for me felt like a clusterfuck in the making, because my daughter was at the center of all of this and I changed to a serious tone.
“I’m sorry, but this isn’t happening; will never happen,” I confirmed, gesturing between us; then I realized how close we were when she sat up. Angling her body toward me brought her face so close her hot ragged breath fanned over my face.
“Do you think I wanted this to happen? It wasn’t in my plans to grow up, catch myself a grieving widower and a ready-made family. We don’t always get to choose our paths. You’re into me, Cole Harkin, I can see it.”
The spark of fire in her eyes held my gaze and a lump of emotion swelled in my throat. I swallowed uneasily because she was right. “I know you are. I would never have acted on my feelings unless I saw how you look at me. You just won’t allow yourself to let it go,” she whispered. I never moved, and I didn’t respond.
“You’re right. I have overstepped my position, but this has nothing to do with being your employee.” I dropped my gaze and looked down at my hands because I totally disagreed.
“I feel the way you look at me.” Her emphasis on feel made me eye her cautiously, confused by her comment. “That’s right, feel , Cole. I feel the weight of every stolen glance, every blatant stare, the lustful perusal from a distance, and the way your hungry eyes scanned my body when I took you through your workout yesterday. Your dangerous carnal thoughts shine through in them more than you know, and the searing way you look at me penetrates my skin, ignites flames of wanton desire through my body, and it burns me up inside.”
For a few seconds another silence hung heavily in the air until she broke the tension by placing her soft palm gently on my face. It felt so enticingly warm and feminine over my stubbly chin. I should have pulled away, should have stood and left the room, but in a moment of weakness I relaxed, letting her take the weight of it in her hand, because by then I was desperate for any caring touch.
“I wish I’d known you before,” she whispered. The sadness in her voice brought another lump to my throat, the torturous moment almost strangling me. “You’re a shell of the man you were; the man who fronted SinaMen before his wife died. This isn’t my place, and it’s not an abuse of power because of my status with Layla, because I am one of the few people who know who you’ve really become. Cole, I care enough to take this risk because someone has to be the first to help you pin your feelings down.”
“Pin my feelings, or pin me down?”
“You’re naturally suspicious. I get that, given how people have used you in the past, from what you told me. Personally, my agenda isn’t anything other than to be honest about the feelings I’ve developed for you, and you can deny it all you want, but I know you’ve got feelings in there for me,” she argued, poking my chest.
“No, Harper. You’re wrong. The feelings I have are all purely physical. You were spot on because they’re carnal… sinful even. Sexual fantasies. Any affection I have for you is related to your capacity as my daughter’s caregiver.”
“Ouch.” With hurt instantly etching her face, Harper pulled her hand away from me, turned onto her hands and knees, and stood up. I followed suit and stood facing her.
“Guess I was way off the mark,” she added looking mortified by my words. “Am I supposed to be flattered Cole Harkin would ‘do me?’” blunt irony laced her tone.
“Stop,” I commanded, catching her by her wrist as she turned to walk away.
Glancing down at my hand on her wrist, then up into my eyes, she shrugged. “The way you hold me isn’t unfamiliar, Cole. Your grip feels possessive.” Bringing her hand up to show me, she waved her wrist with mine holding it firmly. “But I’ll respect your wishes to keep our relationship professional. I’m not sorry I brought this out in the open because at least it’s cleared the air.”
I dropped my hand from her wrist and watched as she turned and left the room. Closing my eyes, I drew in a much-needed gulp of clean air and prayed I’d handled her advance toward me delicately enough that she’d still decide to stay.