Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I n the weeks after Harper pressed her point about the way I looked at her, it had shaken the mist from my eyes. No matter how well I thought my progress was, when it came down to it, I was still stuck on the precarious path I walked between Layla’s care and my monogamous feelings of love for a ghost.
Staying home, in the sedate environment of the fortress I had built for my family should have taken some stress from my life, but all it had done was magnify what I was emotionally lacking. Being a single dad was a minefield of negotiations between my head, my heart, and my day-to-day life. And once this attraction thing between Harper and I had come to a head, I knew I had a new dilemma to deal with.
Trying to do what was right by Harper, instead of taking what I wanted, was slowly killing me. I was horny as fuck and I hadn’t been laid in what felt like an age. Despite this, I continued my bi-weekly yoga sessions with her. I could have stopped doing them—I’d even considered it—but I figured if I had, it would have only made her feel even more alienated after the way I’d turned her down.
I was emotionally split with half of me wanting to stay home with my daughter, and the other half urging me to get the fuck away before I nailed Harper to a wall, a floor, or a door. No matter what, I had to learn to curb my desires around her, but after her advance toward me I felt the unspoken wedge it had driven between us.
As I became more attuned to my body’s responses, I channeled it into the effort I made during my workouts and even added some sessions of distance running to them. Apart from the time we spent together with Layla, I avoided spending personal time with Harper. It was a pity because I had really enjoyed her company.
With my focus less on Grace and more on day-to-day living, I began to feel stir-crazy being around the house when Layla wasn’t around. Sometimes I’d write a song, sometimes I’d spend hours on the phone with Fletch or Scuds, and sometimes I took Layla’s scrappy little dog for long walks along some of the boundaries to my property.
The novelty of being away from the manic band schedules became mundane. Most of the time when I’d felt caged in, my brother had come to my rescue. Occasionally he’d haul my ass off for the day to a ball game, or drag racing, and when he was feeling pretty reckless to gamble, playing poker on casino boats.
Being in seclusion, I eventually connected reason to my unsettling emotions and decided it was because all the new thoughts in my head were shoving my memories of Grace into the back of my mind.
Even though my late wife was my first thought in the morning and my last at night when I lay in the dark, the images of us weren’t as vivid and raw as they’d previously been, and to think they were fading pissed me the fuck off.
With my returning libido and only Harper for company when Dorian was away, I needed some kind of distraction. Luckily, it came in the form of Harper leaving to visit her family, which I knew from the previous occasion would result in tears and tantrums from Layla, but it gave both of us a much needed time out from one another.
Leaving home to attend her brother’s wedding in New York, Harper was expected to be gone for four days, which meant she wasn’t due back until Christmas Eve, but fortunately my mom and Grace’s parents arrived the day after she left and with her grandparents on hand my daughter hardly missed her.
During Layla’s previous five Christmases, everyone had ensured she was thoroughly spoiled, but this one was most important to me because I had wanted to make it as perfect as possible for her. We had been making great strides in our relationship and I wanted to work intensively on this during the festive holiday, because I had decided with the sixth anniversary of Grace’s passing looming it was time to take Layla to visit her mother’s island in the new year.
For a while I knew the day had to come, but no matter how much I thought about the best way to approach the reality of Grace’s death, I felt I’d always feel ill-prepared to face Layla. My heart was still sore after all this time and I prayed she never felt the depth of pain I did, so I had to be careful not to make the situation any more damaging for her than it already was.
Christmas Eve was a double-edged event. With Harper returning home, we were a full house, and all afternoon I found myself watching the clock as the time drew nearer to her arrival.
I didn’t miss how my heart rate spiked with excitement when I heard the gate buzzer sound as she unlocked them or the undefined glance that passed between us the second she walked through the door.
Angus and Dinah had spoiled Layla with a mountain of the most current range of popular toys, dolls, and board games, which were stowed under the tree, and a battery-operated, remote-controlled toy puppy for Christmas Eve which drove poor Spot insane with jealousy.
Envy was something I faced myself that evening. After dinner, Harper had gone to settle Layla in bed while my mom, Angus, Dinah, and I discussed an article in the news. Suddenly realizing how much time had gone by I excused myself from the table to kiss my daughter goodnight.
When I entered her room Layla was lying on her side; fast asleep, her arm tightly around Spot. I swear the look her precious dog gave me was, ‘Go ahead, try to move me, Buddy.’ I swear the damned dog knew he wasn’t allowed on there. I had forbidden Layla from having him in her room at bedtime.
Despite her defiance, I couldn’t help the smile that spread on my lips because the look of happiness and sheer contentment on hers made my heart melt. Closing the door quietly I made my way back down the stairs, and when I heard Harper’s voice in the living room, I wandered in to see her.
My breath caught in my throat when I saw my brother and Harper sitting shoulder to shoulder at ease, in a very cozy position. They were sharing flirty opinions about something they were studying on his phone, which he held on his lap. The sight of them together gave me the most uncomfortable feeling.
“Oh wow, this looks cozy,” I muttered in a sarcastic tone, as I wandered farther into the room and stood in front of the mantle. Harper threw me a look of indifference, and where I had expected to see a little hesitancy from my comment, I found none.
Instead, she stretched lazily and looked too fucking appealing for me not to stare. The slow and sexy way she moved mesmerized me.
“It is. Best Christmas Eve I’ve had in years. The last four were miserable, but I’ve had a great time today with Layla… and spending some quality time with Harper here has been the icing on the cake,” Dorian commented, oblivious as to how annoyed I was. Harper drew her hands down from above her head and placed them in her lap.
“Aww, you’re so sweet,” she gushed, back at my brother. Jealousy tore through me.
“She’s not paid to spend quality time with you,” I snapped. The snarky abrupt tone with which I delivered my comment even surprised me. I was useless at hiding my feelings.
“Indeed, and no money has changed hands between us. Has it, Harper?” my smart-assed sibling replied. His comment pissed me the fuck off and I couldn’t help myself.
“Ah well, sorry to bust up your little tête-à-tête, but Spot’s in bed with Layla. What did I say about that damn dog not being in her room while she slept?”
Harper unfolded her legs from under her ass on the couch and rose to her feet. “Sorry, Dorian, maybe another time; it would appear I still have work to do.” Her voice sounded flat, yet still dripped with sarcasm.
“Sure, I’ll take you to the exhibition next month, if you want. ”
Crossing her arms over her chest, Harper glanced at me with a smug smirk and flashed my brother a slow lazy smile.
“Thanks, I’d love that. What time does it start?”
“Oh, not until 8:30 p.m. so Layla will be asleep by then,” Dorian informed her with a smile.
Heaving a deep breath in my effort to control my temper, I widened my eyes at Dorian and turned my attention to Harper.
“Great, now that you’ve organized your social life, maybe you can focus your attention to the matter at hand.”
Standing behind Dorian, she slowly shook her head and flipped me the bird. “Of course, Cole. I’ll get to it right away.” The sweet tone she answered with was in complete contrast to her pursed lips and hand gesture, and to the ignorance of my brother who was facing me.
After she’d gone, Dorian stood up and ran his hand through his hair. “What the fuck was all that about? Care to fill me in?”
“I told her about that—”
“That had nothing to do with a fucking dog.” His arm jutted angrily in the direction of the living room door.
“All right,” I agreed, throwing my hands up in the air as my mind raked around desperately for something to say. “I’ll be honest, Dor, I didn’t like what I saw. You don’t mess around with my hired help, understand?”
“Mess…hired help? Are you fucking serious right now?”
“As a coronary,” I bit back without a trace of humor and nodded vigorously.
“Hmm, and why is that? You got designs of your own on her or something?”
“Don’t be facetious. That woman is Layla’s world. She isn’t here to help you fill your nights.”
“Fill my nights? Have you taken a close look at her? She’s so fucking hot, it’s a wonder she hasn’t been lured away from the boring domesticity of her life. You’ve been so caught up in what happened with Grace that you’ve forgotten there are two sides to everything. Your side appears to be the only one that matters.”
“Really, so what are you saying? I’m a selfish prick? I’m a self-absorbed asshole? ”
“Normally… before Grace, I would have said you were one of the good guys of rock. Despite all your fame and fortune, your feet were firmly planted on the ground. Now? I’m not so sure. It’s like you’re using what happened with Grace to excuse any and all behaviors when it suits.”
“That is not fucking fair, Dorian. That’s not who I am.”
“No? Then have you ever thought about doing something nice for Harper?”
“Harper is treated—”
“Bullshit. I’m not talking about pay and conditions, severance packages, and healthcare. I’m talking about treating her like she matters.”
“She does fucking matter. That’s the fucking point,” I roared. “Apart from Layla, she’s what matters the most. If I don’t have Harper, we cease to function. She’s been the constant for Layla, and she’s the reason my daughter is as well balanced as she is.”
“While all that you’ve pointed out is true, she’s also a beautiful woman. Why the fuck shouldn’t she have a life? You don’t own her, Cole. Like you stated, she’s a hired hand, and as such, she’s free to do what she likes, whenever she likes, with whomever she wants, as long as it doesn’t interfere with her doing her job.”
For a second I almost protested, but I knew he was right, yet I still threw more at him.
“Dorian, if you go after her I will never forgive you,” I threatened, sounding completely irrational.
“If not me then it’ll only be someone else.”
“That’s as may be, but I can’t have her here and you making what’s already a bad situation worse, ” I replied. I knew if my brother went after her and she took up with him, it would kill me. Especially when she knew I was attracted to her as well.
However, all that aside, if Dorian and Harper did get together and it didn’t last, it would be another reason for her to leave.
“Listen, if you do this and it doesn’t work out, it’s Layla you’d hurt the most. Think about it.” Without saying anything else, I strode toward the living room door.
Opening it, I glanced toward the kitchen where all our parents were gathered around the table, then switched and looked up the stairs. Fury motivated me to take the stairs and as I reached the top, Harper was leaving Layla’s room with Spot in her arms.
Walking purposely toward her, I grabbed her by her free wrist and almost tugged her off her feet as I dragged her reluctantly along the corridor and into my bedroom. Swinging her away from me, I closed the door and placed my back against it with my hands behind me.
“Got a thing for my brother as well, huh?”
Harper’s mouth gaped and she strode over to my bed, placing the puppy carefully down on it. The fucker immediately scooted up to the top and nestled himself between my pillows like he owned them.
Turning to face me, Harper’s eyes were ablaze with piss and vinegar, her face flushed with fury. Gone was the calm, even temper I had admired so much about her whenever Layla tested her patience. But fuck if the fuming fire in her belly that showed on her face didn’t make me hard. It was the first time I’d ever seen the raw passion that lay underneath her cool exterior.
“You think? And what if I have? You had your chance, Cole, and you threw it away. Look at me. To you I have more value as a child’s nanny than a woman. Do I look like the type of girl that has to beg a man for attention?”
Before I could reply, she headed toward me and I stepped forward to meet her halfway, but she strode right past and reached for the door.
My nostrils flared, and in my impulsive frustration I turned and went after her. My hand covered hers firmly as she reached for the doorknob, and I slammed her front flat against the door, pinning her there with my body. Fuck. What the hell am I doing? Feeling my raging boner laying the length of her ass, I pressed myself closer and everything stopped.
My heart hammered in my chest as I felt my hard, neglected dick against the firm sexy curve of her tight little ass and it made me sag even closer. No amount of willpower in the world could have prevented it.
Immediately, she was all around me as my senses filled with the fragrant womanly smell on her soft shiny skin, the sight of her long dark silky hair; the feel of it as it brushed against my cheek, and the sound of her short labored excited breathing.
My eyes feasted on the curve of her shoulder a good six inches below mine. Grabbing a fistful of hair, I tugged on it sharply. “Is this what you’re after, Harper?” I muttered in a low gruff tone before moving her hair to the side and murmuring in a lower tone close to her ear.
“I know you can feel what you do to my body, but are you prepared for me to manhandle you like you don’t matter? How would you feel later if I dragged your jeans roughly to your knees, pulled your panties aside and fucked you raw, right here, right now—against any of these walls?”
My aggressive behavior was nothing like the bereaved, beaten man she’d witnessed in all the time she had known me, but since Grace’s death, women were for sex and as poor as it sounded, I’d treated them as a means to an end. Being inside them was nothing like making love to Grace; it was carnal, raw, and purely functional, and it had been mostly angry sex.
“Are you done?” Her salient tone sounded clipped and authoritative. It sparked my awareness as to what I had done. Despite her controlled question, the tension she held in her body betrayed her. Sexual anticipation rolled off her from the moment I leaned in to talk in her ear.
“You tell me, are we?” I shot back, my fingers still laced in the strands of her dark brown hair as I held it tight in my fisted palm.
Long seconds passed between us, the rawness of the moment vibrating like a plucked finely tuned string, and with every second that ticked by, I felt my envy ebb from my body. Then I realized how chemistry and jealousy almost ruined everything. She swallowed audibly and moved her neck to the side like she was considering my question.
The fact she didn’t shove me on my ass and cuss me upside down told me the feelings she had for me were more than superficial. For a split second, I wished I could give in to what I knew we both wanted. Probably what we both needed.
Leaning forward, I swallowed past the sudden swell in my throat and ghosted my lips to the back of her head and wished for one night I could just forget the world and all the pain I felt.
Gently, I kissed her hair, because I had to take that slightest taste, then I pulled my head back because I had too many unwanted feelings. Lust and want flowed through my veins and I knew I had never craved anything more.
When I caught a glimpse of the silky skin between her ear and her collarbone, it was my personal weakness about her, and it proved too hard to resist. It had been so long since I had felt this level of want, and I knew then I was feeling and not thinking. Don’t! This is a very bad idea.
Leaning forward again I inhaled deeply and drew the tip of my nose from her shoulder to her ear. I felt her chest heave and she sighed. I swallowed roughly as every nerve in my body fought against claiming her. “Don’t,” she whispered.
Harper’s one word jolted me to my senses and the moment she stated no, I stepped back, dropping my hand. I turned away.
Staring in confusion at the bed, I ran my hand through my hair as the reality of what I’d done hit me. Glancing up the bed I saw the puppy wrestling with one of my pillows in his mouth. I headed over to the bed and picked him up. In the seconds it had taken to do this, Harper had gone.