Chapter 14
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
F or ten long minutes, I sat on my bed contemplating what a monumental fuckup I’d made. Fury and disgust flowed through my veins in equal measure as my jumbled mind tried to make sense of the chaos I’d created because of a moment of weakness and envy.
Shoving myself to stand, I knew I had to do something urgently, and in my haste I fired off a text message to Derek.
Me: Set up a small tour from Feb 12.
Derek: You got it!
I reluctantly made my way downstairs, knowing I had to pretend everything was normal. Despite what had happened, I still had people who expected me to entertain them.
“Right, who’s up for a game? Let’s get some life into us. It’s Christmas for fuck’s sake.”
Patient smiles from my mom and Grace’s mom told me they knew it was a deliberate change of subject for me as they rose from their chairs.
“Charades? Haven’t played that in years,” Angus suggested.
“Oh, what a great idea, though Cole’s no good at charades,” Harper drawled. The sarcasm dripped from her tongue like melted butter and Dorian raised a brow.
“Do tell,” he mused to Harper, and I could have kicked him in the nuts for picking up on her comment like she had a story to tell.
“Let’s just say he’s not a great actor. He should stick to performing. Isn’t that right, Cole?” The challenge in her bright intense stare made me instantly hard.
“It’s been a while since I performed,” I admitted, flirting back against my better judgment. I saw a wicked smirk tweak Harper’s lips.
I was treading water and had been for some time with her. Going back to work wasn’t something I really wanted to do, but it was something I had to do to gain some distance and a better sense of perspective where Harper was concerned.
“Which reminds me, early February I’m going back to work. We have a tour set from the twelfth.”
The effect my unexpected news had on Harper was immediate. Gone was all sense of having the upper hand, and her expression was a mixture of shock, hurt, and disappointment. My stomach sank because I knew there were unresolved feelings between us. From my perspective they had to remain this way.
“That’s fantastic news.” My brother gushed immediately. Shoving his chair back, he strode over to hug me.
“I agree. It’s time you got your life back, Cole. The guys in the band must be pleased?” my mom added.
Nodding, I looked to my mother and Grace’s, and the expressions on both of their faces told me they were happy about my decision; however, when I stole another glance at Harper, she was on her feet, head down, clearing the table.
Moving to the living room, for the rest of the evening we played games: the usual festive ones like charades and Name that Tune. I even sang, but Harper remained reserved and less bubbly than she had been before my news.
Eventually, due to full bellies, heads full of wine, and a tiringly long day, the parents went off to bed. Migrating to the kitchen again with Dorian, he grabbed his jacket and turned to look at me.
“About earlier…” he started .
“No. I was out of order. You’re right. She’s an amazing girl, and she deserves the world. It’s—”
“I was way out of line. I get your focus, but you’re my brother. I know you. Don’t you think I know how scared you are about the future and Layla?” For a second, my heart stalled as if he was about to tell me he knew how I felt about Harper.
I shrugged. “I know she’s going to go eventually, I’m just…” I huffed a heavy sigh, “I’m not ready for that to happen yet, you know? It’s depressing because it’s constantly on my mind.”
“Of course, but one day it’s bound to happen, Bro, and when it does I’ll be here. If you’re this bent out of shape about it, maybe you need to think about a plan B.”
Narrowing my eyes, I hated the conversation, but Dorian was right. But there was no plan B.
“There is no plan B.”
“Then maybe you need to start thinking ahead instead of the past.” Stepping forward, he wrapped me tight in a bear hug before stepping back.
“And I promise not to fuck your daughter’s nanny,” his tone was serious, but I made a joke out of the situation.
“Good to know, but I think a girl like Harper would laugh in your face if you tried.” Dorian chuckled and shook his head.
“Thanks for busting my balls and reminding me who the stud of the family is,” he replied with a smirk.
“Aw, don’t be depressed, someone’s gotta be the runt of the bunch,” I shot back and winked. Shaking his head again, he scoffed and stepped past me.
“Smug bastard,” he muttered humorously, and headed back to the living room where Harper was. She stood and wandered over to my brother.
“I’ve loved spending time with you today, Dor, we need to do it more,” she told him, wrapping her arms around him in a hug. My chest tightened, and a knot formed in my stomach with her obvious show of affection for him.
Dorian looked at me over her shoulder, stuck his tongue out, and winked .
“Anytime, beautiful, just say the word.” My heart squeezed with love for the brother who had always been there for me, but I gritted my teeth and mouthed, “In your dreams.”
Raising an eyebrow, he pulled out of her embrace and I walked with him to the door. I hugged him again. “Thanks for everything, Bro, you have no idea how much I appreciate you.”
“Yeah, I do. It’s a lot, but not enough to let me inside Layla’s nanny’s panties,” he muttered, only loud enough for me to hear.
Shoving him out of the door, he chuckled and held out his hands palms up as if to say, ‘I rest my case.’ I chuckled back and shook my head. “Get some rest, next year’s gonna be a doozie when I’m on the road. You’re going to have to step up and play Daddy to Layla for the times when I’m gone.”
“I’m there, and excited for that. I love her so much… and you, little brother,” he said with conviction as he shoved his hands in his pockets. “See you tomorrow.”
As he turned away, I stepped back inside and closed the door. Turning around, I faced the living room door and I briefly checked out the stairs, before choosing to go back into the room to face Harper again. When I pushed the door open she was curled up on the couch, in the dark, in front of the fire.
Instead of going in I went to the kitchen and poured us both a fresh glass of red wine. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, but I knew I couldn’t leave things how they were. Making my way back to her, I placed her wine on the small end table beside her and took a seat farther away from her on the circular couch.
For a couple of minutes, we sat in a stony silence, both of us staring at the flames licking up the chimney of the fire place and wondering who’d be the first to talk. In my mind I went through several scenarios, all including an apology for my despicable behavior before, but it was Harper who broke the silence.
“You’re leaving again.” It wasn’t a question and when I shot her a glance, she was still staring at the fire.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, because the way she learned about me going back to work had been a deliberate piss poor effort to hurt her. I knew it was a malicious attempt to drive her away, but I needed that wedge between us because, the longer I stayed the more likely my resistance would crumble.
“Yeah… are you?” I wouldn’t have blamed her if she’d wanted to leave after the way I had treated her.
Staring at me, her eyes widened, and she bit her lip. “Is that what you want?”
“Hell, no. You know that’s not what I want.” My heart beat wildly in my chest and the sense of relief I felt from her counter question made me more disgusted by what I had done. “Jesus, Harper. I need to get out of here for a while. Don’t you see why I’m so averse to messing around with your feelings?”
“Haven’t you done that already?” Her eyes glanced up at the ceiling. “I mean, what the fuck was that upstairs?”
“That was me losing control and almost taking what I wanted instead of doing what I need to… what we need me to do. I’m sorry, it should never have happened.”
“Why? Because the only emotion you’re allowed to feel is how much you miss your wife?”
“Bad form, Harper. That remark is way below the belt.”
“From where I’m sitting there was way more going on below the belt up there, than my honesty.”
“Don’t fuck with me, Harper. All you know of me is the grief-stricken single dad. You said it yourself, you don’t know who I really was before and what my capabilities were. Believe me, these days you wouldn’t want to find out.”
“Wouldn’t I? I’m not a child, and to be perfectly straight with you, you have no idea about me. All you know is the efficient surrogate mother your daughter has.”
“Is that what you think you are? Surrogate?” I thought for a second and nodded. “Not a surrogate, a substitute, and one day you’ll give my daughter’s care over to someone else,” I replied with a bitter taste in my mouth.
“If you’re trying to hurt me, Cole, believe me, it’s working; but if it makes you feel better have at it. I’m perfectly willing for you to take all that fucking bitterness and anger out on me if that’s what it takes to bring you back to life. ”
“And you’re volunteering for what? To let me use your body? What exactly are you willing to give me, Harper?”
“Whatever it takes to make you stop being the pissy self-absorbed asshole you’ve turned into these past few weeks.”
“Really, and your attitude hasn’t been off? You think I haven’t noticed the scorned wife act you’ve been displaying, moping around here like I’m cheating on you or something?”
Watching Harper’s neck jut back at the same time as a slight flush crept over her face told me I’d hit the mark. “Ah no, I got it, this is about me finding someone else?”
“That’s none of my business—”
“Damn straight it’s not. But what do you want to know? Have I fucked anyone lately? What do you think? I see how you look at me,” I countered, without thinking.
“Yeah, and I’m glad that you do, because you feel the same way.”
“It isn’t like that.”
“Stop repeating yourself and get your head out of your ass.”
Eyeing her with suspicion, I stared closely, “Are you fucking with me?”
“You know the answer to that, but that’s your call.”
“That was a lapse of judgement upstairs.”
“No that was your true colors shining through, Cole. I’m glad they did because it showed me all the eye-fucking you’ve done whenever we’ve been in the same room isn’t my imagination.”
Years ago, if an attractive woman had spoken to me with the amount of confidence Harper had, I’d have slammed her to a wall and fucked her into submission, but I’d been to Hell and was still clawing my way back from there.
“And this brings us right back to the beginning of the conversation, Harper. I’m sorry. It shouldn’t have happened.”
“But it did, Cole. You can’t put the foam back in the can now it’s out.”
It was clear Harper still wasn’t satisfied with my determination not to let things go further between us. Scooping her hair to one side with her hand, Harper let the long dark brown silky strands sift closely through her relaxed fist. Turning her body to face me, she sighed heavily again.
“What you’re saying is I’m good enough to care for your daughter, but not good enough for you.”
I frowned in frustration. “Absolutely not. What I’m saying is this isn’t a matter of whether you’re good enough for me, and incidentally you’re way too good; too… wholesome and pure.”
“And Grace wasn’t?”
I scowled angrily.
Challenging me with a piercing stare, fury flashed in her eyes. “Say you’re not interested, or let me decide who I’m good enough for. And while we’re at it, newsflash, Cole, you can’t control everything around Layla. That girl is going to grow up to be a brat if you let her manage the household. She’s almost six years old, and she’s going to experience change throughout her life, no matter what. Do her a favor and teach her resilience now or you’ll have a neurotic teen who is stuck in her ways.”
Her comment stunned me.
“Look, this is about not rocking the boat for Layla, she’s more adaptable than you give her credit for. You have to build on that.”
I shook my head, because this conversation wasn’t going anywhere. I knew she was trying to goad me with the Layla comments and drew her back to the matter at hand.
“Back off, Harper, like I said, you have no idea who I am.”
“So you keep saying. Fuck, Cole. Get. A. Life.”
“I had a life and look how that turned out,” I ground out.
Harper’s eyes softened, and she edged her way forward in her seat. Clasping her hands in front of her brought my attention to her pert cleavage, which heaved as she inhaled and sighed. “I get you’re scared. Fuck, if it were me I’d be petrified, walking in your shoes.”
“Yet you’re willing to bust my balls for a fuck? Because that’s all it would be between us, Harper.”
“Are you telling me you’ve been celibate since your wife died?”
My heart faltered, and my chest felt tight at being called out. There had been a lot of women, but I didn’t talk about them, especially not at home. When I didn’t respond, she huffed out an indignant reply. “Huh.” Her flat huff confirmed she knew there had been others.
“None of them meant anything.”
“None of them ?”
Frustration got the better of me, “Yeah, if we’re airing my dirty laundry then sure, them, as in multiples. See, I’m not a fucking saint. I lost my wife… the love of my life. I don’t want to feel those feelings again.” My words were sculpted to have a negative effect.
“Fuck you,” she whispered and rose slowly from the couch. “Have it your way, but this isn’t a tour for the sake of it. You’re running away from your feelings. Well, newsflash, Cole, you’re too late, because they’ve already caught up with you, and you’ll be taking them with you.”
Before I could protest, she stood swiftly and left the room. I didn’t go after her. There was no point. I sat staring at the fire, and when the flames died and all that was left was the dim glowing embers, I wondered when I had gotten so adamant about trying to do the right thing.
My relationship with Harper was strained after our Christmas night blowout and I avoided being around her whenever possible. None of the family noticed, as they focused their attention on Layla. As soon as my daughter went to bed and everyone settled down to watch a movie together, I made the excuse of a headache and went to bed early because I was concerned I’d lose my temper or worse if I had to face another confrontation with Harper.
Thankfully, I caught a break and Harper and Layla were busy with play dates and parties. And it was easier with all the time my mom and Grace’s parents were around because Harper made some space by driving home during the day to spend time with her own family. In the evenings when she came home, she went straight to her room.
Layla was her usual self, totally unaware of the rift between Harper and me, but since Grace’s parents had been around, she had more and more questions about her mom. After talking to everyone about my intentions, they agreed with my plan to teach Layla what death meant and show her Grace’s final resting place.
Angus and Dinah stuck around for Layla’s sixth birthday and Harper threw her a huge party, which I only attended briefly due to the number of parents and kids. I didn’t want to take the glory off Layla’s day. Besides, Layla’s birth had left me with bittersweet feelings about the gift Grace gave me, and the life we’d both lost.