Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
T he boredom of watching five grown gold miners digging for pay dirt for an hour lulled me into a fitful sleep, until I woke with a start at the familiar and distinctive Skype call tone. Stretching my way out of my sleep I sat upright, my heart rate spiking at the sudden disturbance. I grabbed my laptop, resting it on my knees, and leaned back against the headboard as I connected.
Harper’s face appeared on the screen. She looked gorgeous. My heart clenched at how happy she looked and a knot formed in my stomach because this was the effect of being with another man.
Glancing at the clock a quick calculation told me it was 1:30 a.m. back home and my heart sank because she was late home from her date.
“Dorian told me I had to call you no matter what time, what’s up?” The casual way she addressed me was less hostile than before.
“I’m taking Layla camping this weekend. I need you to make sure she has everything she needs for a night under the stars. We’re saddling up and I’m taking her for a father daughter camp out.”
“Gotcha. I’ll make sure Stuart has the farrier check out her pony’s shoes. Anything else? ”
Sighing, I ran my hand through my hair and prepared to eat crow. “Yeah, there is,” I muttered, clearing my throat.
Glancing seriously at the screen, I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for running out on you like that,” I mumbled, then held my breath when she didn’t immediately reply.
Twisting her lips, like the topic was distasteful she shrugged. “Okay.”
“No, I really am,” I protested.
“It’s fine. You’re right, it was a bad idea,” she offered and shrugged.
“Was it?” I asked, pushing for a different response.
For a few seconds she averted her eyes and slowly nodded.
“It was wrong of me to attempt to force something you tell me isn’t there,” she muttered.
“Or was I the one in the wrong?”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning I’ve had time to think about everything… time out to view things objectively.”
When she nodded in agreement, I thought she was going to accept that I’d sorted through my feelings, but her unexpected reply floored me.
“Me too, and I was wrong to push myself on you like that. I took advantage of your vulnerabilities.”
“I may have been distressed and depressed about my life, Harper, but despite those facts I have always been conscious of any decision I’ve made. If I was as vulnerable as you think I was, I’d have taken what I needed from you without considering the consequences.”
Shrugging again, she scooped up her hair and tied it up in a ponytail. My eyes cut to her neck, and for a moment I remembered the way I had kissed, licked, and nibbled it in the dark. My cock pulsed at the memory.
Realizing a long pause had stretched between us, I waited for her to reply. Eventually, she sat back in my office chair and rocked for a moment, then tilted her head to the side.
“I’m glad you stopped short, and we never fucked. At the time I felt hurt and rejected… like I was only the nanny and not good enough for your bed. ”
“That wasn’t it at all,” I protested again.
“Wasn’t it? Isn’t it still? While I believe everything happens for a reason, I was way out of line. You’re right, I’m your employee and what I did put Layla’s stability at risk.”
Fuck.
The call was supposed to be about apologizing and letting her know I’d changed my mind about what happened; to hint at the possibility we could be more, but when I heard how resigned she was as to my previous point of view. I had no choice but to open up and tell her how I felt about her.
“Whether or not you are my employee has nothing to do with how I feel. Since I’ve had time to think I’ve realized how focused I was in the past. Even though Grace isn’t here anymore I thought having some of those feelings for another woman meant I was being disloyal.”
“So, in three weeks you’ve found some capacity in your heart to fit me in there?”
“That’s a crass analogy,” I argued.
“Is it? Can you hear yourself, Cole? Some of those feelings? Do I look like someone who’d be happy to be squeezed in like some consolation prize? From all accounts Grace was a wonderful woman, a beautiful woman. I’m sorry I never met her, but you’re right, I can’t replace her, nor would I want to.”
“Can we talk about this when I get home? That’s what this call was about.”
“Was it? Or was it that Dorian told you I had a date?”
Fuck.
“It was my intention to talk to you when I called Layla this evening.”
“Are you sure about that, or did it become a priority when you knew I was with someone else? I mean given your reaction when Dorian and I were alone, sharing a joke?”
“This isn’t the same thing at all,” I urged.
“If you say so, Cole, but if it makes you feel less anxious, Luke and I… it’s very early days. One date doesn’t mean I’m going to desert Layla. It’ll take something special to lure me away from supporting her. ”
“This isn’t about Layla,” I argued again.
“No, Cole it’s about you deciding what you want, when you want it, and how you want it. Unfortunately for you, I have a life too. You and Layla have been my priority in every decision I’ve made for the past six years, but I’m almost twenty-seven years old. I need to start making decisions for me.” Her eyes searched my face for a few seconds. “I’ve got to go to bed, Layla will be up in a few hours.”
By disconnecting the call, Harper gave me no opportunity to defend myself, but was right to be angry with me. I had been so absorbed in my own situation I had completely ignored hers.
Moz was the first to comment about my snarky mood the following morning, not that I cared. During our radio interview I barely spoke, letting Scuds and Fletch do most of the talking. When we were finally done, I pulled out my phone and Skyped JoAnn.
“Hey, Cole, to what do I owe the pleasure?”
“I could do with some advice,” I admitted, because I wanted her opinion since she knew my story and relayed the Skype call from the night before; including my plans with Layla.
“Sounds to me like Harper’s got a diversion.”
“But what if he’s not? What if this guy is everything she wants? I mean he’s not fucked up like me. He’s got a kid at the same school as Layla and he works from home.”
“Or is she passing time with him? Does she really believe it’s never going to happen with you?”
“I don’t know what to say. How can I say I’d give her everything? Sure, I’ve got feelings, but I’m not ready for any kind of commitment. Lady, I lost the person I expected to spend my life with, how do I risk that kind of heartbreak again? Fuck, I sound like a broken record. One minute I think I’m moving on and the next I’m being backed into a corner.”
“No one is boxing you in, Cole. This is about Harper. She has every right to make her own life. Look, all is not lost; she’s had one date that you know of. You have a choice now. This girl can’t be just enough for you, she needs to be everything . Why shouldn’t she expect this? You gave that to Grace. If you can’t do this, then she’s a poor second, just like she feels she is.”
“I know,” I replied and sighed heavily. “It’s too soon to know if…”
“If what? If you love her? Do you love her?”
“No… that’s a lie,” I amended quickly, “Yes, I do, but it’s different. Different from Grace.”
“Could that be because you feel disloyal by sharing yourself with someone else?”
“Of course. I never wanted anyone else. No one appears to understand this.”
“I do. I get it. Someone doesn’t have to die in order to break your heart, Cole. Some people experience a love that’s shallow, perhaps one full of passion, and when the passion dies, they move on. Problem is not everyone loves in the same way. Some people love so deep, their mind absorbs so much pain, they never love again. Then from what I’ve seen in the little time I’ve known you, there are people like you who because you loved Grace deeply you feel it would be a betrayal to love someone else.”
“Where the fuck did you get all this wisdom?”
“From experience. Like I said, you’re not the only one whose heart has ever been broken.”
“Tell me,” I urged, because I needed to know she had connected with someone in the same way I had with Grace.
“I was seventeen.”
“A crush?”
“You’d think, but no. It was the real deal. Problem was he was ten years older and married, but it was real enough.”
“What happened?”
“I was mad about him, he paid me so much attention in the beginning. After a while I became his booty call. He played me for a year and I tried to be patient when he promised me the world. I guess I was vulnerable, lonely… and stupid, because I believed every one of his lines. Eventually he told me his wife was pregnant. It was a real eye opener as to who he was as a person and I dumped his ass.”
“Fucker. Glad you got rid of him. He didn’t deserve you. ”
JoAnn flashed me a forced smile, and I grinned, then her eyes grew serious. “Okay, so you have the weekend at home with your daughter.”
“I’m taking her on an overnight pony trek,” I reminded her.
“Sounds great. Go home and spend time with Layla. Forget Harper for a few days. Let her miss you. ”
“I’m not into playing games or mind fucks,” I stated, frowning.
“Well, sometimes they’re necessary to make someone see what’s in front of them.” I wasn’t so sure about this, but my judgement was off, and I had to admit JoAnn appeared more clued in to how relationships worked than I was.