Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
S neaking into the house at 8:00 a.m., I felt relieved everyone else was asleep and when I climbed the stairs to my room, I finally admitted to myself I’d made a mistake in trying to ignore what was going on with Harper.
JoAnn had given me a lot to think about, but with twenty more days away from home, I figured it would give me time to work through some of the feelings I had. Then, if I still felt the same about Harper, I’d face my feelings head on.
Being out on the road kept me busy and my mind focused on my job, and the way Derek had planned the schedules for promotion with a good mix of TV, live performances, podcast and radio interviews stopped me from procrastinating. As long as he had cut time into my schedules to contact Layla before bedtime I was happy.
I surprised myself by how outgoing I’d become, and with each event, interview, and gig we played, I felt parts of my old self coming back. Banter with my bandmates helped keep my sense of humor on the road, and between us we had it in spades, but it was only when Moz pointed out how funny some of my stories were that I realized I was contributing to this more often than I had in a long time.
Probing questions regarding my love life were the focus for a couple of the interviews we had, but Derek and the PR team had ensured no one asked about Grace or Layla. I was there to spread the love of the band, not my personal shit, and I had threatened to walk away from any TV or radio show host that invaded my personal life in this way.
I was touched by how protective the guys were of me, but I could feel I was healing because my smart-mouth had returned with a vengeance, and from the challenges I’d faced from hecklers and would-be reporters looking for exclusives, I was ready to fend for myself.
With each day that passed I found myself living more in the ‘now’ instead of the past. Like my mindset had somehow undergone a mental reset since Grace’s letter, and I was surviving instead of merely existing after the death of my wife.
My first thought in the morning, when I lay in that quiet time between consciousness and being fully alert, was still always about Grace, but the catastrophic hurt in my heart about my loss of her had become a dull ache, and my thoughts would quickly digress to the living and the near future, but mostly about the now.
During the tour, my days were so wrapped up in the promotional side of my work, there was little time to think and plenty of doing, but the evenings were mainly social or gigs, and my music brought a lot of light to my soul once again.
The real turning point for me was when I sang in the shower. It had been years since I’d done it. It may have been inconsequential to anyone listening, after all, I was the lead singer in a band, but to me it gave me the understanding I was finally moving on.
Talking to Layla on Skype was the only part of my day that brought me down because I would rather have been there to tuck her in. She missed me almost as much as I missed her. The separation made me want to be a better dad to my daughter.
Harper had gone from being absent to indifferent when I called, passing the cell phone to Layla and making herself scarce during our conversations, but I would always ask Layla to pass the phone back, and ask pertinent questions about my daughter’s welfare and discuss any issues that had arisen during her day. I had fucked up with Harper, but she still had a job to do, and I was still Layla’s father .
Being on tour sometimes excited me, but I missed Layla, and my heart squeezed at the thought of not being with her. I realized I missed the closeness I had with Harper too. I told Scuds everything and what JoAnn’s opinions were.
“Tell Harper how you feel,” Scuds advised me with only two nights left before I flew home. We were chilling out late into the night after playing a small gig at a TV host’s live show.
“I intend to. When I first planned to come out on the road again, I was in denial. Harper’s the reason I’m here. The tension between us put a huge strain on our relationship. I’m scared how this will affect Layla.”
“Layla’s a kid. She’s adaptable. They take more in their stride than you give them credit for… and they’re fucking observant. My nephew has the eyes of a hawk and the ears of an elephant. The stuff that kid has told me about my brother would make your hair curl,” he said, chuckling.
“God, I hope so, because if I fuck this up, it’s Layla that’ll suffer.”
“Look, like this JoAnn woman pointed out, Harper will leave anyway, at some point. If I were you, I’d tell her you want to talk. Don’t just show up and switch it up. You left her hanging, man, you can’t expect to waltz straight back in there and pick her up now that you’ve decided what you want.”
“Guess you’re right. I’ll talk to her when I speak to Layla tomorrow and smooth the path a little for when I get home.” How the hell do I do that?
“You should never have been a rock star, Cole. You’re the least likely rock star legend in the whole history of the genre. Hell, Dorian’s more rock star than you,” he informed me with a roar of laughter.
“Nah, that’s not true. I used to be a party animal until real life burned the fuck out of me.”
“Yeah,” Scuds agreed, his smile fading, clapping his hand on my knee in support.
“You’ve had the roughest deal a man could ever face. We were all devastated for you, and for a long time we felt you’d never recover, but here you are, and I for one am so fucking pleased to have my buddy back.” It wasn’t often Scuds offered personal feelings, so his admission tugged at my heart.
The following morning I took Scuds’ advice and decided to warn Harper I was ready to talk. All day long, after I’d made up my mind, I’d watched the clock. Time appeared to drag, and even though the day’s schedule was short, everything we did felt like it took an age.
When the time finally came to make my Skype call with Layla, my heart pounded in my chest and my nerves kicked in as I set up my laptop. It had been a long time since I actively pursued a woman, and given how I’d left things with Harper, I wasn’t so na?ve as to think she’d make it easy for me. Nevertheless, I had butterflies inside as I sat down and made the connection, and I liked the feeling.
For a few moments I was disappointed to see Layla sat in my office on my desktop Mac again. After the previous night when I’d spoken to Harper, I thought I had shifted us forward. Pushing my feelings to the side about her, I focused on Layla who talked about her day, and I chuckled at some of the comments she made.
“Miss Wild wrote a note to Jaden’s mom about what she called his toilet habits, and I heard Cressida tell Harper she thought Jaden’s only hope for a job when he’s an adult was as a human sprinkler system.” The way her nose wrinkled in disgust was too cute.
“Hm, he hasn’t gotten over that one yet?” I asked sounding serious.
“Nuh-huh, and Miss Wild got pretty red in the face and gave him the same look Harper gives me when I know not to mess with her,” she added.
Our conversation turned to me being home and the look of delight on her face made my heart twinge because it wasn’t sooner.
“Tell you what, how’s about when I come home, we saddle up your pony and we can hit the trail? What do you say to a night of camping under the stars with me?”
“Like a daddy-daughter date?” she asked, clutching her hands over her heart. Her eyes widened with excitement.
“Yeah, a daddy-daughter date,” I mused, realizing apart from taking her to see Grace’s grave; I’d never done anything with her before. She’d had parties, and I’d taken her places, but I’d facilitated her play and she’d done the activities alone. This was something we’d be doing together.
“You’d ride out with me?” she asked, and I nodded.
“Yeah,” I replied. I hadn’t ridden since Grace had passed. I was rusty, but I’d been riding since I was a child and no matter how long passed in between, it was pretty much like riding a bike—so long as I knew the horse’s temperament.
Bouncing up and down with excitement, she squealed with delight, and the next thing I knew Dorian’s face was staring down the lens at me, his hands braced on my office desk.
“Don’t go exciting Layla when I’m babysitting, she won’t go to bed for me,” he joked, smiling warmly.
Babysitting? “Babysitting? Has Harper gone home for the evening?”
“No, Daddy, she’s out on a date too. Not a daddy-daughter date or a playdate. She’s going out with Ruth’s daddy.”
“Ruth’s daddy? Layla, go get your pajamas on while I speak to Uncle Dorian for a few minutes, then you can come back,” I told her, my heart rate erratic with the shocking revelation Harper was out with some other guy.
Pouting, she thought for a moment then complied with my request, and Dorian sat down in her chair. “How’s the tour going?”
“Great, almost done. Can’t wait to come home.” The last thing I had wanted to do was to talk about my work. “Harper’s on a date?”
Dorian gave me a wry smirk, “Yeah, she looked happy about it. Luke, a single dad who has a child in the same class as Layla. From what she says he’s a great guy. Divorced, one kid, and he works from home.”
“I don’t want Layla around strange men,” I snapped. It was true, but I also mentioned it as a condition to keep Harper away from him as much as possible.
“Layla has only met him when he was with his kid. They’re in the same playgroup.”
“So, what? This guy just rocked up and hit on my kid’s nanny when she was waiting for my daughter to come out of school?” I knew I sounded ridiculous, but the question sounded reasonable enough when I thought it up in my head .
“Whoa, where is this coming from?” Dorian’s eyes were huge as he stared at my anally retentive response to the situation.
“I’m serious, Dor, I don’t want guys I don’t know around Layla. He could be a fucking kidnapper for all we know. Have you read the newspapers?”
“Jesus, you are the last person who should be throwing that sentence around. Look at the way they’ve tried to crucify you over the years.”
Hearing his comment made me stop ranting and absorb what I’d said. He was right, of course. I couldn’t believe everything I read, because in my case it was one-percent truth, nine-percent bending the truth, and ninety-percent bullshit.
Dorian tried again. “Look, according to Harper, they got talking. He was having some issues with his kid, Ruth, since his wife abandoned them, and he asked Harper for some behavioral advice.”
“Well, he gets six out of ten for originality,” I replied, fighting to keep the bitterness from my tone.
“Cole, can’t you just be happy for the girl? She’s gorgeous, and she’s given Layla a good six years. Think of it this way, if she gets with this guy, nothing much will change. She’d still be living locally, his kid is at the same class as Layla, and she’d probably still be available to work for you.”
Not once during the conversation had I thought about it from Layla’s future, because I felt stronger to face the daunting task of bringing my daughter up and taking full responsibility for her. I was acting out of envy for the single father who was able to see what a catch Harper was.
“How often has she met him?”
“Christ, I don’t know. Not when she has Layla, I know that much. Maybe a few times for coffee when the kids were in school, but tonight is their first real date.”
I felt crushed at the words ‘real date.’ Jealousy reared its head for the second time in as many months about another man courting Harper. First Dorian, now Mister No Name.
“Ask her to call me when she gets in, will you? It doesn’t matter how late. I’ll be up,” I requested, not knowing what the hell I’d say if she did.
“Can’t it wait?”
“No. I want to take Layla out the day after tomorrow when I get back, so there’s a lot to arrange,” I answered with a grain of truth in my response.
Layla came back and climbed on Dorian’s knee. “All set for bed, Daddy. Two more sleeps until you can read and tuck me in, right?”
I nodded, my jaw slackening from the tension I felt from my conversation with her uncle. “That’s right, Baby. I can’t wait.”
Concluding the call, I closed the Skype out with my stomach churning and a head full of doubts. Leaving my laptop running, I sat at the side of the bed, grabbed the remote and switched on the TV.