Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
“ C an we talk?” Harper knocked softly on my office door and I swiveled round in my office chair to look at her. I’d been staring out at the incredible winter scene through the window where a white-tailed deer and her two fawns were trudging slowly through the snow, less than thirty feet from our house.
“Yeah, I wasn’t concentrating anyway. Check this out.” Standing up, I led her over toward the window.
“Aw, they’re gorgeous. We should call Stuart and get him to put some food out for them. It can’t be easy finding much to eat and drink in these conditions,” Harper mused, her eyes full of wonder.
“Is there anything you don’t want to take care of?” I asked, sliding my arms through hers and clasping my hands at her lower back.
“Hm, now you mention it, this is what I came to talk with you about.”
“If it’s the extra puppy Max and Sarah-Jayne have, the answer is no. Layla grumbles about walking Spot, unless it’s to go down to the stables to see Glitter.”
“It’s not about the puppy,” Harper stated firmly.
“Good. Then I’m listening, what is it?”
“I’m pregnant. ”
My heart stopped for a beat, then electricity jolted through my body, my veins cramping from the sudden lactic acid as I struggled for breath.
The beaming smile and the sparkle in her eyes when she gave me the news disintegrated in front of me, and all I could think about was what had happened after last woman I loved said those words.
“Breathe, Cole,” Harper ordered, sternly. The devastation I had caused Harper by my reaction crushed me. I couldn’t speak. I didn’t want to talk, because I knew if I did, my thoughts would hurt her even more.
Conflict reigned in a raging battle within me. Although the last thing in the world I wanted to happen was to leave a scar, which would remain in her mind forever, the words stuck in my throat held no joy or encouragement, but were rather more sinister and foreboding in nature.
As I tried to block out my nightmare memories of the past, I fought through the internal anguish and pulled her hurriedly into my chest. Hugging her tight, for what had felt like an age, didn’t come off congratulatory like it should have been. Even I recognized it was a hug of desperation.
Pulling back from me, Harper gazed up into my worried eyes, hers full to the brim with unshed tears and my heart slowed from the panic I’d felt inside. Pushing her hair away from her face, I held her head in my hands in the same affectionate way I always did. “I know what you need from me, Harper, but I can’t bring myself to say it.”
Tears slid down her face unchecked as she stood silent for a moment, then she took a step back and shook her head. The wounded look in her eyes shattered me. I’d hurt her badly with my lack of response.
“I didn’t plan this, Cole, and I’m not even going to dissect how it happened, but we’re having this baby,” she said in a flat even tone. “I’m not Grace. What happened with her never should have, but it won’t happen to me.”
Nodding, I still couldn’t speak, because I knew whatever words came out would be wrong.
Turning away from me, she wandered slowly back through my office door and closed it behind her. As soon as she was gone, I dropped to the floor and prayed to God this wasn’t history repeating itself.
Leaving the song I was halfway through writing, I fought the meltdown brewing inside, because the last thing I wanted to do was lose my shit with Harper. Swiping my cell from my desk I called down the hall to Stuart.
“Can you saddle up Elbe for me?”
“Now? It’s freezing outside; some of the pastures are two feet deep in snow.”
“If I’d wanted a fucking weather forecast, I’d have called a meteorologist, just do what I asked,” I snapped, cutting off the call before he’d had the chance to argue back. Opening my office door, I headed down to the utility room at the back of the house. Pulling on some chaps, my boots, an extra sweater, and a long waterproof coat, I stepped out the back door and immediately felt the biting wind sting my face.
Entering the stable, I saw Stuart had saddled and tacked up my mare, and was in the process of placing the saddle on his large temperamental stallion, Electron.
“Where are you going?” I asked, tightening the girth one more notch and taking a hold of the reins to my horse.
“Depends where you’re going,” he muttered, and continued to secure the saddle rigging.
“Sorry, I don’t feel like company,” I replied, shaking my head as I turned Elbe around and headed for the door. Stuart ignored my comment and followed suit.
“Did you hear what I said?” I asked, my anger barely contained in my voice.
“Yeah, I did, and I don’t know what’s wrong, but I got the vibe that it’s big when you need to ride out in this weather. Forget going alone, Cole, it’s not happening. You’re a good rider, but the safety etiquette of any good rider is no one leaves home on a place this size alone in weather like this.”
I glared at him, frustration building inside, but I was too pissed to argue; because every moment I stayed close to the house made me think about what Harper had disclosed.
“Fuck, then don’t talk to me.” Turning away from him, I led Elbe out into the stable yard and mounted her, not waiting for Stuart to catch up. My horse led me down toward the meadow, like she knew what was on my mind even before I did. Following the curve in the river, she trudged through the two-foot snow and came to a halt by the empty boat mooring by the jetty.
“Boat’s in dry dock for the winter,” Stuart pointed out, riding alongside me as I stared over to where Grace was buried. Parts of the lake had ice forming.
“I know. I didn’t intend on being here. I suppose I’ve brought Elbe this way so often over the years she’s on autopilot,” I replied.
“Want to tell me what’s on your mind?” Stuart gently probed.
“Want to mind your own fucking business?” I muttered back.
“I figured the fact I’m freezing my balls off in sub-zero temperatures kind of hints at the fact I think you are my business,” he scolded.
Glaring with narrowed eyes, I sized him up for a few seconds then figured he was right. Although he was an estate manager, he was also the most loyal of friends. Most of all, he deserved to know why I was in such an angry place after I’d dragged him out in the cold.
“Harper’s pregnant,” I mumbled, and I felt my heart clench in desperation as I struggled internally with my fears.
“Congratulations,” Stuart mumbled cautiously, as both horses whinnied when a swift gust of wind spooked them both.
“From where I’m standing, it doesn’t feel like a celebration,” I snapped back.
For a few minutes Stuart sat quiet, then as I started to turn away, he shouted after me, “She’s not Grace, Cole.”
Glancing over my shoulder, I narrowed my eyes and thought that was easy for him to say, he had never been where I was. I tugged on the reins and changed direction. “You’re not helping, leave me alone.”
I rode through the silent winter scene until my hands were numb through the thick leather gloves, and when the late afternoon light began to fade, I headed back to the stables .
“Leave it, I’ll do the tack,” Stuart told me as I lifted the saddle from Elbe and placed it over the wooden rack where it was kept.
“Don’t shut her out. We all know what happened; we lived it too, remember? Harper’s a good woman. She’s raised Layla for the past six years, and no matter how much you want to keep her safe, you need to understand it from her point of view. Don’t begrudge her a child of her own. She loves Layla with all that she is, but you have what she has never had, a child that’s part of you.
“Do you think I don’t know this? To tell you the truth, I don’t want her to have this kid. I hate that she’s pregnant, and I’m scared shitless she’ll die a horrible death like Grace did. Now I know these are all irrational thoughts, and my mind feels heavy from the weight of them,” I explained, pointing to my head.
Slamming my palm hard against my chest, I eyed him angrily and shook my head. “But in here, I’m consumed by dread. Since the minute Harper told me today, my heart has stuttered uneasily, fighting for rhythm. No matter how many times I chant it’s not going to happen , there’s an echo from my past, which immediately counters with the nagging doubt, but what if it does? ”
Stuart left the girth strap he had started to unbuckle and grabbed me into a hug. “You got to fight those thoughts every step of the way. We all know there’s no guarantees, but believe me, Cole, for the sake of your relationship with Harper and Layla, you have got to fight against the devil on this one.”
“Anyone who understands what I’ve been through would accept I want to protect what’s mine. I know I’m hypersensitive when it comes to childbirth because of what happened before, but the thought of anything going wrong again is so uncomfortable I don’t want to upset the status quo as we are right now.”
Taking a step back, he patted my back and dropped his hands. “No matter what you’re feeling in there,” he scolded, pointing sharply at my breastbone, “you’ve got to get back in that house and appear interested in the news you have learned for Harper’s sake. She’s been living with the ghost of Grace from the moment she walked through your door. Don’t make her sorry she can’t compete with what happened to her.” His tone was firm and almost admonishing, and I’d never heard this side to him before. Turning away without a backward glance, he began seeing to the horses like I was dismissed.
Pulling off my gloves, I smacked the ice off them against my thigh as I thought how protective he sounded, then turned and walked back to the house without replying. Stuart was right; it was sad that Harper didn’t get the response she should have, because as a newly expectant mother, it should have been one of the happiest days of her life.
When I entered the house, the heat stifled my breathing immediately and my face stung from the thaw of being out in the cold. Stuart’s words had resonated with me. I knew no matter how fearful I felt, I had to find a way to protect my feelings from overwhelming me and support Harper and Layla at the same time.
“Where’s Harper?” I asked Matty when I entered the kitchen. Layla was covered in flour from the dough they were kneading.
“She’s lying down, she has a headache,” Layla told me, as she picked up Matty’s huge rolling pin and clanked it down on the countertop.
“Careful,” Matty warned as she stretched over and moved it to a safer position. Leaving them, I headed up to my bedroom and pushed open the door.
“Are you okay?” I asked in a low voice as I crept toward the bed in the darkness. The hallway light shone from the doorway and was bright enough for me to see Harper was lying on her side, but she hadn’t heard me because she was sound asleep.
Still being cold from the ride, I left her to rest and went into our bathroom. I relieved myself, washed my hands in the hot water to thaw them out, and dried them. As I turned to go back into the bedroom, I caught sight of the pregnancy test Harper had used lying in the trash can by the sink. My stomach rippled with nerves.
An instant flashback of Grace bouncing on her toes with delight when she shared hers with me came to mind. I pushed back the thought and went back into the bedroom.
“Hey, are you okay?” I asked again when her red-rimmed eyes opened and stared at me.
“I’m fine,” she answered quickly, but her clipped tone barely held back her true feelings.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured, as I sat on the edge of the bed and brushed her hair clear of her face. It was damp, and my heart squeezed tight at the thought I’d made her cry.
“Your news was so sudden, you know?” I argued, gently trying to explain my reaction.
“Our news, Cole. It’s our baby,” she muttered.
“I know. Please don’t be mad at me.”
Glancing up at me, her eyes shone with tears. “I’m not mad. I’m hurt and disappointed.”
“As you should be. I don’t expect you to understand—”
“No, Cole, you missed the point, I do. Everyone knows what you went through. If I had one wish, it would be for you never to have experienced that, but I need you to look at this from my perspective, because I’m on this journey with you now too.”
“I know,” I agreed, feeling like the worst man in the world for how I took the news.
“Understanding is a two-way street. I’m walking in a dead woman’s shoes unless you accept this is about us. My pregnancy, the child we’ve made together, has nothing to do with her or what happened before.”
I straightened my spine, instantly pulled up by her comment and I nodded in agreement. How I behaved affected everyone around me. Harper’s condition no longer allowed me the familiar indulgence of dwelling on the past.
Since I had gone all in with my girl, I had felt more emotionally stable. My heart and moods were infinitely lighter, and my sense of humor had returned. I was a different man to the one before Grace, but for knowing Harper I’d grown to be a more considerate version of my old self.
Reaching out, I grazed my thumb over her lips and bent to press mine to hers. “Baby, I agree. I was off, and I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come back, but I didn’t want to say anything to you that would diminish the significance of what is happening.”
Changing position, Harper shifted until she was sitting up, resting against the headboard of the bed. I took her hand in mine and slowly stroked my thumb over the back of it. I found it comforting to know she let me.
“Baby, when you told me, I was stunned. You being pregnant was the last thing I had expected you to say today. If I had gone with my gut and responded, I would have commented from a totally selfish perspective. That would have been wrong, and that’s why I went for a ride.”
“I’m listening,” she confirmed flatly.
“Where I’ve been, my situation doesn’t allow for spontaneity and being able to indulge in the beauty of something most people would see as a happy miracle. Though it is, so I don’t want you to think I don’t know this. But I had to sort through the shit going on in my head and to come back and address this without all the negative feelings associated with my experience from before.”
“All I wanted to hear was you welcome this baby.”
“And I will. What is going on inside has nothing to do with not wanting a child with you, Baby. What I went through has everything to do with the shock of what should have been a very normal experience, for most couples, becoming a membership to some very exclusive horror club. Grief isn’t something I can switch off, and the trauma associated with it will always live inside me.”
Cupping my face with her hands, Harper leaned forward and placed her forehead on mine. “I really want this baby, Cole. Layla will be ecstatic when she knows, but I understand you need time to come to terms with the change. Nothing is going to happen to me. We’re going to have a beautiful baby, a brother or sister for Layla, and the happy ever after we deserve. Nothing is going to get in the way of this,” Harper stated with conviction.