Chapter 32
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
F inding out Harper was five weeks pregnant bought me some time before I had to deal with the obvious signs of our growing baby. I figured it would let me get used to the idea, and as Harper kept Layla’s routines tight, it was easy to forget she was expecting at busy times.
This worked for most of the time, but even with my best attempts, there were times when dark thoughts would creep in, and I felt panic rise from my gut. It helped that Harper knew me so well, because she recognized the times when I wasn’t receptive to what she wanted to tell me.
During these times, she would either moderate how and what she said or drop the subject until she felt I was more receptive to the information. No matter how long it took her, she always eventually got her point across.
My girl had the patience of a saint, never showing any obvious anger or frustration with me if I shut her down, especially when she spoke about tests or examinations. From my point of view, I knew I sometimes sounded absurd or unyielding, and I was always quick to apologize to her on the occasions where this happened. Fortunately, they weren’t too often, and Harper had great empathy whenever she thought I was scared.
Despite these internal battles, I tried to remain positive during the early days, and I was determined to act on the sound advice Stuart had given me when he had ridden out with me that day.
I made a conscious effort to be more attentive toward Harper in regard to her pregnancy; asking how she felt, both physically and emotionally, and I’d tie up her responses with what I saw from my quiet observations of the subtle changes in her moods and body.
Although Harper was occasionally nauseous, thankfully she didn’t suffer at all from morning sickness, which was completely the opposite of how Layla had affected Grace.
When Harper went for her initial OBGYN appointment without telling me until afterward, I felt oddly disappointed; guilty for not being with her, half pissed at not being given the choice, yet relieved not to have been there.
There were times I felt my head was about to explode under the pressure of facing the unknown, like when life had been so dark after Layla’s birth. Restraining myself, I didn’t know how to react for fear of getting my hopes up, in case something went wrong. It was possibly my indecision that made Harper appear to do what her instincts told her was best.
We had discussed at length about how she wanted me to support her, and although I was nervous, I was happy for Harper to set the pace. It made sense when she’d like to keep me informed, but without going into too much detail, because she figured the less stressed I was, the more she’d enjoy the experience.
I loved her logic, but there were times when I pushed for more information and at others she actively encouraged me to opt out, especially her visits to her obstetrician.
Between hospital appointments, Harper kept Layla’s routine much the same with school, playdates, and outings, so unless something was looming with her physician or specialist, life ticked along in the same vein.
It was Harper who always initiated sex in the first few weeks after she told me about the baby. Until she pointed this out, it hadn’t been anything conscious on my part, but I guess the news must have affected me to the point where it suppressed all thoughts about anything else. It wasn’t like I didn’t still find her attractive; it was due to the potential risks to my girl consuming me.
By the second trimester, my libido had returned, and as I had found with Grace, Harper’s changing body sent my desire for her through the roof.
Watching Harper blossom from her first to the second trimester made me realize how fast time had passed. We’d both agreed not to tell Layla until Harper was safely past the first twelve weeks, and everyone in the household found this a hard-kept secret. All the staff knew our news and Harper had confided in our friends and neighbors, Sarah-Jayne and Max.
At almost fifteen weeks, both Harper and I felt it was time to spell things out for Layla, and Harper and Diane came up with an ingenious plan to help us to do this.
Friday nights were traditionally Layla’s late night for bed. We had all been watching a family movie in the living room. When the movie finished, I turned the TV off and Harper nudged Layla.
“Hey, how would you like to have a sleepover with your dad and me tonight?”
My daughter’s eyes grew huge from the drowsy ones ready for bed, to bright, wide, and alert.
“Really? Can I really, Daddy?” she asked turning to me, not entirely believing her luck.
“Sure. I think it’s a great idea. Obviously, it’s a very special occasion, because usually the sleepovers are adult only, but I think we can do it just this once.”
Unbeknownst to me, Harper, Matty, and Diane had been in the bedroom earlier and worked their magic while I’d kept Layla busy, and when Layla opened the bedroom door, she squealed in delight. Glancing past her, I saw the room was bathed in white string lights. The headboard of the bed had softer blue, pink, and yellow ones running the length of it.
Running full blast at the bed, Layla quickly climbed up on it and stood at the center, then jumped up and down with excitement .
“Come on, let’s get into bed,” she shouted. Spot came scuttling into the room, slipped on the wooden floor and went skidding into the side of the bed. From the puppy he was he’d grown into a huge clumsy lump.
“No. No dog. I’m drawing the line, Baby. Spot sleeps downstairs or the party is off.”
Immediately Layla placed her hands on her hips without missing a beat and scolded the dog, when normally she’d have moved Heaven and Earth to have Spot included.
“Sorry, Spot. You know my daddy doesn’t allow you in the bedroom,” she scolded, like she was full of wisdom and jumped down off the bed. Grabbing his collar, she dragged her reluctant dog over to the door and led him out of the room.
Harper passed her on the landing, her hair neatly braided and wearing short pant pajamas, and we both chuckled when we heard Layla admonishing her dog all the way down the stairs.
Stripping out of my clothes, I quickly pulled on some boxer briefs and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. By the time I returned, Layla was back in the room and she and Harper were already in bed. She’d snuck into bed with me hundreds of times, but this was a first lying between Harper and me.
Harper clapped her hands and all the lights in the room went off apart from those over the headboard. “How does this feel?” Harper asked Layla as she wriggled excitedly in between us.
“Magical,” she immediately offered, and the sound of wonderment in her tone touched me. I smiled, and my heart filled with love that something so simple could have had such a huge effect on her little mind.
“I agree it is magical, Layla,” Harper started, “in fact I can only think of one other thing that would make this sleepover even more magical,” she added.
“A unicorn? They’re magic, aren’t they?” Layla asked, her eyes darting around the room as if looking for one to appear.
“Yeah, they are, but I was thinking of something that’s real, not a mythical creature,” Harper replied.
“Hmm, then I have no idea. Do you, Daddy? ”
Letting Harper lead the way, I shrugged as her little bright eyes stared quizzically at me from my side.
“What would you say if I said you were going to be a big sister?” Harper asked gently.
Layla’s feet immediately cycled their way from under the comforter and she climbed out on top. Kneeling to face us, she sat back on her heels and her huge bright eyes sparkled with excitement.
“Me? Where’s the baby?” she asked with her hands wide and her eyes twice as big and round as they were with her reaction to the sleepover.
“It’s in my tummy,” Harper told her.
Layla frowned and glanced at me then back at Harper. “But you’re not my mommy,” she replied. “How can I be your baby’s big sister?”
“Because I’m your daddy and I’m this baby’s daddy as well,” I explained.
Layla squealed with excitement and jumped up and down, bouncing on her knees completely unable to contain her pleasure and asked Harper if she could see her stomach. Harper gladly obliged by pulling up her tank top, but with her belly still largely flat, there was nothing much to see.
Patiently, Harper stroked her hair and smiled.
“Right now, my baby is only the size of a lemon, but it’s getting bigger every week, and by the time it’s ready to be born, it will look like a real baby.”
Eventually Layla calmed down enough to slide back into bed between us, but her questions continued, and although at this stage we had very few answers for her, she was clearly accepting and enthused by the news. Harper had been a little worried about how Layla would take it but the look of pure joy was evident.
It was almost two hours later that my daughter finally fell asleep and Harper’s hand slid across to rest on my hip. A sigh of contentment left her lips and I turned to look at her face.
“Thank you. I know all of this isn’t easy for you,” she whispered.
“Baby, it’s me who should be thanking you for putting up with my whiny ass.”
“I’ve never thought you were whiny, Cole. You love deeply and knowing that, and that you found it in your heart to love again, makes me so happy it’s me you love now. This event is bound to stir up horrible memories you thought you’d dealt with.”
Turning on my side, I rose up enough to perch my head on my elbow and looked past Layla at her. “I keep telling myself this is different. This right here is different,” I admitted nodding at Layla lying between us. “This was a great idea and, Baby, right now my heart has never felt so big.”
My comment earned me a beaming smile and brought tears to Harper’s gorgeous blue eyes, and I thought she’d never looked so beautiful. “You’re so good to me,” I told her.
“I know,” she replied, a grin widening on her lips as a tear trickled down her cheek.
Leaning across Layla, I cradled her face with my hand, brushed her tear away then stroked her lips with the pad of my thumb. “Thank you for loving me.”
“Aw, I guess someone has to,” she teased, taking the seriousness out of the moment, and instantly making my heart feel light.
“I want to come to the ultrasound scan,” I stated impulsively, making Harper shift onto her elbow too.
“Yeah?” she asked in a tentative tone, as her curious eyes searched my face for the truth.
“Yeah, I want to support you. It has never been that I don’t want this. I want this baby as much as you do, I’m just… scared, you know?”
Harper didn’t reply, but stared long and intently as her thoughts took over.
“Get some sleep, Baby. God knows when this one will be awake, and I’d place a bet it’ll be even earlier than normal.”
Grabbing my hand from her face, Harper kissed my palm, let it go then settled down on her side, still facing Layla and me. I lay down doing the same, and for the first time since Harper had told me about the pregnancy, I fell asleep without the deep dark thoughts in my mind about what could go wrong.
“Are you my brother or my sister? What’s your name?” I heard the sweet muffled voice of Layla coming from under the sheets and felt her wriggle around, shoving my thigh out of the way for a better position.
“Daddy, move,” she ordered, huffing in frustration. “Why are your legs so hairy and yours aren’t?” she asked me then Harper, who stretched her arms above her head and cracked open her sleepy eyes.
Working her way out of the covers, Layla’s head popped up alongside me, her hair wild and full of static electricity. Her little hands cupped my cheeks in the special way she had of keeping me where she wanted me. Pushing them together to make a pouty mouth with my lips, she bent over and kissed me. “Good morning, Daddy. Does this baby have ears yet?” she enquired, staring expectantly into my eyes.
“No, Baby, it can’t hear you yet, that doesn’t happen for a couple of more months.” I suddenly had a vague recollection of having read something to this effect.
“Well, that was a waste of time. I thought it was ignoring me.”
Harper turned on her side and scooped her into a hug. “I love that you want to talk to this little bean, but it won’t have all its little bits until it grows some more.”
“Is it a boy or a girl baby?” she asked with a frown.
“We haven’t asked because we want it to be a surprise,” I offered, knowing Harper wanted to wait until the birth like she reckoned everyone should. I loved that about her, she had no preference; then again neither did I. As long as they were both okay I didn’t care about anything else.
“When will it get here? Will I be in school when it comes?”
Sitting up, Harper pulled her onto her lap. “Well, this is what I was thinking,” she began, her eyes darting to me, and then back to Layla. “If everything goes well, I figured I should have it right here in the house, maybe in the huge square bath on the ground floor.”
We hadn’t discussed this, and I almost choked at the thought of her taking a risk like this when I knew exactly what could go wrong. “Oh, now wait—”
“Yay, and I can see it come home?” she asked a little confused at what Harper meant.
“Actually, Layla, if everything is going well with me and the baby, then yes, there’s no reason why you couldn’t see your new baby arriving here in the house.”
“Baby, can you go tell Matty we’ll be down in ten minutes for breakfast, let Spot out the back too. I want to talk to Harper for a few minutes alone; then we’ll be right down.” Immediately, she scooted down the bed and out the door, her feet thundering down the hallway like a baby elephant. For someone so little, she sure made her presence felt.
Throwing the comforter off, I slid off the edge of the bed and I could feel my blood running hot from the bomb she’d just dropped.
“You’re not having this baby at home,” I stated categorically.
“We’ll see,” she replied calmly, and rose to her feet from the other side of the bed.
“No, Harper, you can’t take chances with something like this.”
“Something like what? Natural childbirth? Women have been having babies for centuries, Cole. I’m healthy and we live in a first world country, why wouldn’t I take responsibility for where it’s born?”
“You’re terrifying me,” I told her.
“You’re affected by the past,” she countered, “I’m not Grace and there’s no reason to think there will be any problems.”
“But if there are, you’ll be miles from help,” I argued, as my chest tightened when the idea of what she had stated gripped me. Feeling distressed, I shook my head and grabbed my jeans, shoving one leg in then the other. “This conversation is far from over,” I ground out and stepped out the room, banging the door behind me.