Chapter 33
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
R eaching the bottom of the stairs, I saw Stuart come out of his quarters at the end of the hall, and I could tell by his face, he’d heard my raised voice. Striding toward me, he stood between me and the kitchen door, preventing me from going inside.
“Breathe, Cole. What the fuck’s going on?” he asked, concern etched on his face.
“I’m getting some coffee. Saddle me up, I’ll be over in twenty minutes,” I barked, not entertaining his question at all.
“Calm down,” he warned. “Remember Layla’s in there, and you throwing a hissy fit won’t be good for the baby either, you need to modify your volume.”
If anyone else had spoken to me the way he had, I’d have decked the fucker and stepped over his body, but Stuart had earned an opinion after his years of dedication where his even temper and loyalty told me he’d never do me wrong.
“Just do what I’ve asked.” My tone was low; my temper sounding more contained than it was from the first time I’d spoken to him. Satisfied I was now in control, he grabbed his jacket and headed down the hallway, past my office and out into the yard.
Entering the kitchen, Matty eyed me with concern and glanced toward Layla. “Did you shout at Harper?” Layla asked, completely unfiltered, and with tears brimming in her eyes.
I sighed, heavily. “Oh, Baby, adults often shout at each other. It doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. It’s only that living in the same house and having different ideas can get frustrating sometimes.”
“But if you shouted at Harper, you shouted at our baby as well. I’m really glad it doesn’t have ears yet,” she informed me in a voice that was far more scolding than anything Stuart had said to me.
“I’m sorry, Baby, I didn’t mean to shout. Sometimes when we are afraid or passionate about something, we don’t always deal with situations in the right way.”
“That was bad,” she told me in a stern voice, and my heart squeezed tight that my baby could differentiate to the extent that she had. I knew then my reaction had affected her in a negative way.
“You’re right. I’m going to apologize right now,” I agreed, placing the coffee cup down Matty had put in my hand.
As I walked toward the hallway, I heard the front door close, and through the window I saw Harper get into Diane’s car. “Fuck,” I muttered, knowing immediately she’d left the house to make space between us.
I felt ashamed that I hadn’t found the confidence to deal with what Harper had told me in a far more rational way.
The caveman in me would have jumped on my motorcycle and gone after her, but I knew if I had, it would have only taken the tension between us outside the home. I could understand Harper’s need to get away from me because she’d seen how dogmatic I could be when I really disagreed with something.
I figured right then, no matter what words I chose to argue my choice for the place of the birth, any suggestion I put forward for going to the hospital would inevitably be mute, and all because I hadn’t been able to keep a civil tongue in my head.
With asking Stuart to saddle Elbe up and Harper disappearing, I decided to use the morning to take Layla for a pony trek. I think if I hadn’t suggested this, she wouldn’t have spoken to me at all. Stuart offered to tag along, but I thought it would be better to take Layla on my own because I had some fences to mend with her.
The atmosphere was frosty, and I had to accept responsibility for how Layla had viewed me. Riding mellowed Layla after a while and eventually she addressed the topic, which had caused the rift between us.
“Why did you shout at Harper?”
“That was naughty of me, Layla, and I’m sorry. Harper didn’t tell me what she had in mind for where our new baby is to be born.”
“Where else would it be born?” she asked, her eyes wide and round and staring at me like I was crazy for not agreeing to this.
“I’d prefer our baby to be born in the hospital where it’s safe,” I reasoned.
“I don’t want my Harper to go to the hospital,” she suddenly stated. “It wasn’t safe for my mommy when she had me.”
Grace’s situation wasn’t the same, but in the simplest terms, I couldn’t argue with that, and the way she’d referred to Harper as ‘my Harper’ spoke volumes on where Layla’s loyalties lay.
“I’ll speak to her and make it right, I promise.”
“And you won’t do it again?” she asked, the questioning tone held another hint for a promise.
“No. I can’t guarantee I won’t raise my voice, because that’s what normal couples do.”
“But Harper isn’t a couple.”
“Harper and I are a couple.”
“Then you should do what makes her happy. That’s what The Beast does for Beauty.” I couldn’t help smiling when she used the analogy for Harper and me, but I promised to try harder to make Harper feel happy about having our new baby.
After a three-hour ride, we made it back to the stables and the first thing that caught my eye was Diane’s car parked again in front of the drive. My heart rate raced knowing Harper was home and I couldn’t wait to talk to her to make things right again.
Ten minutes later, after settling our rides in the stables, Layla opened the back door and I immediately heard Harper’s voice in the kitchen. Reminding Layla to wash her hands, I was annoyed when she began to do this, but ran off in search of Harper before we were finished.
By the time I reached the kitchen, I saw Layla was on Harper’s knee with her arms around her neck. I caught Matty’s attention from the doorway and asked her to distract Layla so that I could speak with Harper.
Matty asked Layla for some help in filling the small flour canister from the larger one in the pantry, and once they had gone, I wandered into the kitchen and sat down beside Harper at the table.
Taking Harper’s hand, I lifted it gently and brought it to my lips. “I’m really sorry, Baby. I’ve been known to have a temper when I’m stressed, but I’ve rarely raised my voice in this house. I hope you know I’m better than I behaved today.” Harper’s sad tear-filled eyes stared intently into mine.
“You have to know I’m trying… and I know you’re doing everything you can to keep the stress levels down for both of us; but making a decision like that without any consultation with me wasn’t right. Of course, it’s your body, Harper, but you’re so fucking important to us, the thought of anything risky is out of the question.”
“No, it’s not. There is probably more risk of intervention and something disrupting the natural process of giving birth in the hospital than there is here at home with a good midwife and a doctor standing by.”
Gazing intently, I knew not to push any more at that time and shook my head. “We’re going to discuss this again. I appreciate you’ve tried to protect me, but this should have been a discussion before you calmly announced to Layla what the plan for the birth was, without even attempting to check out what my thoughts were.”
Before I could smooth things out further, the gate buzzer sounded and Layla came running out of the pantry to see who had arrived. “Uncle Scuds is here,” she shouted excitedly, jumping up and down beside the close circuit monitor. I hadn’t been expecting him, and I glanced at Harper with a look that told her we’d be picking this up later.
“What brings you to town?” I asked, opening the front door to let my bandmate inside.
“Meeting with Max and Finley. I promised Finley the next time he was down visiting Max I’d have dinner with him. Obviously, I couldn’t come to town and not call in on my favorite dude,” Scuds offered, then turned to Layla and fist-bumped her.
“You’re going to dinner this evening?
“Yeah, boys’ night with the three of us.”
“Why don’t you go with them?” Harper prompted.
“I wasn’t invited.” My tone was laced with sarcasm. I knew she probably wanted me out of the way because she knew our conversation was far from done.
“Yeah, you are. It goes without saying,” Scuds replied in an even tone.
“Thanks, but I’ll pass if you don’t mind,” I answered again, determined not to go to bed without us hashing out the earlier debate.
Leaving Harper after a rare row wasn’t an option for me. I’d never been someone to start something and walk away, and I would never have left her without trying to find a compromise that suited us both.
Scuds stayed for a couple of hours and left when Matty made dinner because he knew Layla would be following her bedtime routine afterward. When Layla went to bed and Harper and I were settled in the living room, I attempted to talk to her again.
The disagreement we’d had didn’t have any easy fix, I knew that going into it, but I was determined to have my say.
“Look, Harper, I don’t want an argument, but I don’t feel comfortable with you putting yourself and our baby at risk.”
“What you don’t understand is midwives are very skilled to bring babies into this world. I don’t want to go to the hospital. I want my care to be given via the River City Birthing Center. All this stuff around normal childbirth has been made out to be far more complex than it is. Having a baby isn’t an illness, so why should I go to the hospital to give birth?”
“The hospital is the safest place for you to have our baby.”
“Is it? I mean statistically? Here.” She dropped a book and a few leaflets on the table in front of me. “I’m trying to make this easier on all of us. I hate having to keep saying this, but what happened with Grace was a horrible fluke of nature, Cole. I know you know this deep down, and you’re fighting against a program of trauma inside your head, but I wasn’t a part of that.”
I toyed with the colored leaflets and picked up the book, thumbing through the pages.
“Read these brochures, then tell me if you would rather me and our baby be assisted by someone who brings babies safely into the world every day, or a doctor who sees me maybe four or five times and catches it after meeting me at the hospital? These women are experts who are trained in all aspects of prenatal, labor, and postnatal care. Whoever we choose will know us as a family, discuss all your issues, and help me devise a plan of care that is the best for me and our baby.”
“You make it all sound so simple.”
“Because it is . Providing everything is going well, these people are the best for me. If not, then they’d refer me to my obstetrician for him to take over.”
The last comment made me feel slightly easier about her choice. “Do we get to meet these people?”
“Of course. I was going to talk to you about it; it was unfortunate that I slipped up with Layla. I guess I got caught up in the moment. Which doesn’t happen often enough around here.”
Staring quietly, I conceded that point because there were times when I needed to know the ins and outs of a bee’s ass for anyone to gain my permission for something to change.
“Fine, set us up with an appointment, but I want to talk to the OB doc about this as well.”
“Good, we can do this at the 3D ultrasound scan,” she replied in a clipped tone.
“Come here,” I ordered, opening my arms, because I needed to feel close to her.
“No, you come here, I’m pregnant,” she replied playfully.
“No, because if being pregnant is no excuse for anything, then you can get off your ass and come please your man,” I stated firmly, with more than a hint of amusement in my tone. I wasn’t totally satisfied, but I did feel slightly better informed about what Harper wanted to happen, so for now at least I was willing to let the subject slide.