Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
Jeremy
W hen Emma and Maddy walk through the arena doors, I suddenly understand the saying my heart leaps. Even with my anxiety humming from being so close to the ice, I swear to god the air in the arena changes when they walk in. It’s like suddenly everything I need is in one single place, and for someone who has made it his business never to need anything or anyone, it’s a mindfuck.
I realize Asher is still talking, but I have no clue what he’s rambling about or why my two favorite people just walked through the door.
“Dude, can we finish whatever this is later?” My arms actually ache with the need to get around both of them.
Asher laughs quietly. “It’s nothing. Mostly just a ploy to get you here. For them.”
He gestures over to Emma and Maddy, the latter of whom is now making a beeline for me. She wraps her arms around my legs, and I swing her up, kissing her hair and leaning back so I can look at her.
“Hey, Little Red. What brings you here?”
“It’s a super-secret mission,” she says, eyes wide and earnest.
Emma walks up next to me, and I wrap an arm around her waist, bending to kiss her forehead. I want to do more than that, but I don’t know what the rules are about kissing in front of Maddy. I don’t know whether we need to tell her about us first, or what we would even tell her if we did. It’s possible I’m overthinking.
“Hi,” I whisper.
“Hi.” She grins up at me, and as I look into her sparkling green eyes, with Maddy on my hip, I’m once again steeped in the unfamiliar feeling that everything I need is right here in my arms.
“It’s definitely a super-secret mission.” Asher holds up his hand for a high five.
“Do you know about it too?” she asks Asher.
“Sure do, Mads. Will you tell me how it goes?”
“Can I come tell you at your house so I can look in your candy drawers and use your soda machine?”
Maddy gives Emma a sly side eye like she’s daring her to say something about the candy and soda. I smother a laugh at her kid doing something they’re not supposed to do look.
“Definitely. It’s a date. I bet Julie will even share her peppermint Hershey Kisses with you, and she’ll barely even share them with me.”
Maddy wrinkles her nose. “I don’t like those. I want your gummy worms. The red ones.”
Asher chuckles and runs a hand over Maddy’s hair. “All the girls want to steal my red gummy worms.”
“Does someone want to tell me what’s going on?” I’m feeling antsy being in the arena for too long.
“I’ll leave that to your two lovely ladies here and head home to wait for mine to finish working. Jer, lock up when you leave.” He tosses me the keys then winks at Maddy and kisses Emma on the cheek before he heads out, leaving me with the girls.
Emma hands Maddy the bag she’s carrying.
“Hey Maddy, can you go over to the benches and unpack the bag while I talk to Jeremy for a minute? There are more snacks in there too.”
“Yes!”
She takes the bag from Emma, struggling for just a second under its weight before she runs off towards the benches. Then Emma puts her hands on my arms, turning me slightly so my back is to whatever Maddy is doing. I glance over my shoulder, and when I see Maddy occupied, I put a hand on Emma’s cheek, tipping her face up to kiss her. It’s soft and warm, and despite its brevity, it has electricity fizzing in my veins.
“So, what’s this all about, Ems?”
She studies me for a second and nods, seeming to decide something. “I was going to make this whole speech, but I think getting right out with it is better. Maddy and I are taking you skating.”
My breath hitches and I stare at her. “I don’t skate. I can’t.”
It’s a knee-jerk reaction. The anxious part of my brain telling me I can’t skate even while my heart yearns to be out on the ice. It’s been fifteen years, and I miss it like a limb. But the thought of stepping on the ice without my hockey gear on and my team surrounding me makes me want to run out of the arena and not look back.
Emma’s eyes are soft and sympathetic but filled with the kind of determination that makes me entirely sure this day ends with me in skates. My stomach churns, but I don’t lapse into a full-blown panic attack. Thank god for small miracles I guess.
“I know you don’t skate, but it doesn’t mean you can’t. You had a terrible thing happen to you. You lost your sport and the family it gave you, and that’s something you’ll never forget. I’ve been doing some thinking, and I think it’s time to make you some new memories. I told you I wanted to help you with this, and I do. I know we haven’t defined whatever it is that’s between us, and I don’t know how long Maddy will be with me, but right now, this feels like family. Let us be your family today, Jer. Skate with us.”
My brain is yelling at me to slap a label on this and claim both Emma and Maddy as mine. Emma is it. There is no one else for me. And Maddy is Emma’s, but I can’t help but think that maybe she’s mine too, for as long as she’s here. It’s that thought that has me hesitating. Another person who comes and goes from my life. What if Emma does too? I shake the thought away and concentrate on the more pressing matters. Like whether I can get myself on the ice without passing out or throwing up. And the hope I feel when I think about lacing up my skates. I try and hold on to that. For my girls, but also for me.
Emma lays a hand on my forearm.
“Tell me something true, Jeremy.”
I glance over at the empty rink, the ice clear and smooth, and feel it calling to me. I take a deep breath and gather my courage.
“I want to try. With you and Maddy. Only with you.”
Emma gives me a knowing smile and wraps an arm around my waist.
“Then let’s do it.”
She guides me over to where Maddy is sitting on the bench next to three pairs of hockey skates. I sit down next to her.
“Tell me what we’ve got here, Little Red.”
Maddy looks up at me, eyes sparkling.
“We’re making you new memories.”
“Oh, are we?” I manage, as emotion rises in my chest.
She nods. “Emma said you haven’t skated in a long time because it makes you sad. But she said you miss it a lot. If you skate with us, maybe it can make you happy again.”
I’m afraid if I respond I’ll lose it right here on this bench. Then I feel Emma’s hand on my shoulder. I reach up and take it, gripping it like a lifeline. Her touch steadies me in a way nothing else ever has.
“I think skating with you would definitely make me happy again, even though it feels scary to get on the ice again.”
Maddy nods. “I was a little scared the first time I got on the ice, but it helped when Coach John held my hand. I can hold one of your hands and Emma can hold the other. Maybe that will help.”
Keeping hold of Emma’s hand, I put an arm around Maddy’s shoulders, giving her a little squeeze. My heart expands with love for this brave little girl.
“I think it will definitely help.”
“So put on your skates! I think these are yours, because they’re the biggest.”
She hands me one of the pairs of hockey skates, and I see that they’re brand new. Emma answers my question before I have a chance to ask it.
“I bought you new skates. I wasn’t sure if you still had skates, but even if you did, I wanted you to wear new ones. You deserve to have skating back in your life, Jer. It’s not the same way you used to have it, but it doesn’t have to be any less special. I want today to be a fresh start for you. New skates for new memories. I bought Maddy and me new skates too. We’re doing this together. I checked your shoe size when we were at the hotel and had John help with the brand and everything. He said these were the best ones.”
“And look, Jeremy, we all match!”
Maddy holds up her skates and Emma’s, placing them next to mine so they sit on the bench in a line. Without consciously thinking about it, I let go of Emma’s hand and grab my phone to snap a picture of the three pairs together. I stare at the picture for a second, eyes burning at what the image represents. A new part of my life in more ways than one. A life where I can have skating back. Where I can have Emma. Where I can take care of her, and we can take care of each other. Where I can love her as hard as I want to. Where we can keep Maddy with us for as long as possible. Where we can be a family.
There’s a part of me that still thinks I’m not good enough for any of it. That I won’t be able to get on the ice. That one day Emma will realize I’m not worth the trouble. But another part of me is thinking words like real and forever and always . That part of me gets louder with every moment I share with Emma. Today, with skates on the bench and the girls by my side, I choose to listen to it and fuck the doubt.
I take Emma’s hand again and bring it to my lips, pressing a kiss to the top of it, and then another. Then I turn my attention back to Maddy, grateful to Emma that she’s letting me have this moment.
“It’s cool we’re all matching. It’s even cooler that these are your very first skates. If you keep skating, you’ll have lots of pairs of skates in your life, but there is nothing more special than your first pair. You’ll always remember them and who got them for you.”
Maddy studies me and seems to consider something. “Are these kind of like your first skates too? Because you haven’t skated for so long, so maybe they’re your first pair for your new memories? So it’s like Emma got us both our first pair.”
I smile at her, fascinated by her brain. “It’s exactly like that, Little Red. It’s special that Emma got us both our first pair of skates. We’re really lucky to have her.”
“Is Emma your girlfriend?”
I whip my head around to Emma but she just shrugs, her shoulders shaking with silent laughter. Okay, clearly on my own here. Fantastic.
“What makes you ask?”
“Because you always smile when you look at her and you kiss her on her head and on her hand, and at Hallie and Ben’s wedding I saw you kiss her on the lips.”
Jesus Christ, I really hope I don’t fuck this up.
“How does that make you feel?”
“I like it. I love you and I love Emma. I like when you’re both with me. I like when we’re all together. It makes me feel…” she trails off, looking down at her hands.
“Makes you feel what, Little Red?”
“It makes me feel like we’re a family.” Her whispered echo of my feelings from earlier burrows right into my chest and I feel Emma’s hand tighten on my shoulder. I pick Maddy up and put her in my lap, wrapping my arms around her, breathing in the scent of her kid shampoo.
“Me too, Little Red.”
I glance up at Emma and see she’s barely holding herself together. There’s time later for us to process all of this, but right now, there’s something pressing I need to do. With Emma’s eyes locked on mine, it suddenly feels like exactly the right time. All my fears and insecurities quiet.
“What do you say, Pretty Girl? Want to be my girlfriend?”
Maddy’s head shoots up so she can look at Emma. “Say yes!” she exclaims, and Emma and I both laugh.
“I think I would really like that,” she says, grinning at me.
“Why did you call her pretty girl?” Maddy asks.
I hold Emma’s eyes as I answer. “Because she’s the prettiest girl in the whole world. When I look at her, she makes my heart really happy.”
“Me too,” Maddy says. “Can you kiss her now?”
“You bet I can.”
I pull Emma down to sit on my other leg, tangling my free hand in her hair and bringing her mouth to mine. The kiss is light and sweet, but it holds all the promise of this moment, and everything we can be together and to each other, if I put my trust in her.
When we break apart, Emma’s eyes are shining. “It’s a really good day,” she whispers. “We are going to have so many good days together.”
The way she knows I need that quiet reassurance has my heart pounding. My chest expands with both love and gratitude, and for a second I rest my forehead on hers.
“Okay that’s enough! Can we go skating now?”
I huff out a laugh at Maddy’s interruption, and we both turn our attention back to her.
“We definitely can,” Emma says. “Take off your shoes and I’ll put your skates on for you.” She reaches for Maddy’s skates, but I beat her to it, grabbing both pairs.
“Let me.”
I slide Emma off my lap and onto the bench then kneel on the floor. I slip Maddy’s shoes off and help her into her skates, lacing them up and tying them. Then I turn to do the same for Emma.
She smirks down at me. “I can put on my own skates, you know.”
“I know, but I want to.”
I take off Emma’s shoes and slide my hands just under the legs of her jeans, grazing my fingers over her ankles. It shouldn’t be sexy but goddamn, it is. She sucks in a quiet breath, and I can tell she feels the same. Setting her shoes aside, I slide Emma’s skates on and lace them up, my fingers lingering on her skin for a couple seconds longer than is absolutely necessary, tracing the freckles on her ankles, listening for that hitch in her breath again.
Emma slides her eyes to Maddy and then back to me, giving me a look that says, very clearly, hands off . And the thought that she’s so affected by my hands on her ankles that she has to warn me away has everything inside me lighting up.
I make quick work of my own skates, lacing them up quickly. The motions are as familiar to me as breathing despite not having laced up skates on my own feet in a decade and a half. It’s only when we stand up and start heading to the rink that my heart knocks against my ribs and my stomach twists with anxiety.
Maddy races ahead and flies onto the ice, already an expert after a few lessons. But I freeze.
I don’t know if I can do this. If I have the courage to step out onto the ice and reclaim this part of my life. I want to. God, I want to. But it’s been so long, and my brain won’t let my feet move another inch.
My mind is racing, and I can’t grab a feeling to put into words. But I don’t have to. Emma grabs the courage I can’t seem to find and hands it back to me.
She wraps an arm around my waist and takes one of my hands in her free one. She connects us in as many places as she can, helping chase away the anxiety that threatens to take me under.
“It’s just us. Just me and you and Maddy. New memories, remember?”
I nod, swallowing thickly, my gaze pinned to the ice.
“If you get on the ice and it’s too much, you’ll get off and we’ll try again another time. There’s no pressure here, Jeremy. It’s just us, and I’m not going anywhere.”
It’s Emma’s I’m not going anywhere that cuts through my dread and has me pushing through the door with her and breathing in the rink air without wanting to turn and run in the other direction.
It’s her hand in mine that lets me step up to the rink, putting the toes of my skates against the ice.
It’s her whispered reassurance and her we’ll do it together that has me taking my first tentative step onto the ice in fifteen years.
It’s Maddy racing over and taking my other hand that has me pushing off with my right foot and gliding along the ice in the rhythm imprinted on my heart, even after so many years away.
It’s Emma’s whispered “I’m so fucking proud of you” as she lifts my hand and presses a kiss to my knuckles.
It’s Maddy’s scream of, “Faster, Jeremy!”
It’s one of my hands in each of theirs and my blades on the ice and the cold air on my face and the rhythm of my skates and two red haired girls I love with everything I am and everything I will ever be.
It’s circling the rink again and again and not thinking of everything I lost but instead being grateful for everything I’ve gained.
It’s tumbling off the rink together, laughing and sweaty and breathing hard, and taking off our skates and piling into Emma’s car.
It’s a loud pizza place with my hand on Emma’s leg under the table and a stop for ice cream and a car ride back to Emma’s house with Maddy bouncing in the back seat, chattering away about her day.
It’s reading the last chapter of the first Harry Potter book and Maddy’s head on my shoulder and tucking her in and her two stuffed dogs and a unicorn nightlight and her whispered “Good night, Jeremy” while Emma watches from the doorway.
It’s curling up with Emma on her couch and eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch straight from the box and stealing kisses and whispering secrets.
It’s carrying Emma upstairs and stripping off her clothes and sinking inside her and pouring out my love for her in every way but with words. It’s deep, wet kisses and gasps and moans and pleas and holding off as long as I can to make it last and Emma rolling me over and rising above me, hips rising and falling until she comes on a groan and takes me with her.
It’s wrapping myself around her until she falls asleep and holding her until the sun is peeking over the horizon, tiptoeing outside and then coming back in, pretending I’m coming over for breakfast because we never talked about how to handle sleepovers with a kid in the house.
It’s the best day of my life and my girls are with me, giving me back the pieces of myself I thought had been lost forever.