12. Sawyer #2
Sawyer would look up, and his eyes would sparkle the same way they did when he was following a puck on the ice. “Make a wish,” he’d say.
I would. I had my wish on the tip of my tongue. “Done.”
“What did you wish for?” he would ask, of course, and I would protest. We would bicker about it until he saw a shooting star, too.
My fantasies split there into a million different ones. He made a wish on one and we decided to reveal them to each other. In another, Sawyer looked at me flatly and said: “I made my wish. I wished for you to tell me what you wished for.”
And I laughed and told him.
Because I couldn’t keep him otherwise. Heathers and Zachs gathered around him like he was glazed with honey. But I was the one who would do the licking. It had to be me, and I didn’t care what anyone else thought.
Or, at least, I had to try.
The team house was quiet when I knocked on the door.
“Yeah?” A lazy drawl came from the other side.
I figured that was invitation enough. I was ecstatic, but I covered it up with a straight-ish tone and a bro-like nod when I entered the house. The guy at the kitchen island looked familiar from the ice. Partridge, I was sure.
“Hey,” I said, no longer passing for straight. What the hell was that instinct to hide from straight guys? To draw as little attention as possible, I guessed. I sighed to myself, then licked my lips. “I’m Sawyer’s friend. Is he around?”
“Yeah, I think I saw you with him,” the tall, floppy-haired guy said. He looked like there was a permanent pout on his lips, though his eyes were self-satisfied, like he knew my deepest, darkest secrets and how to use them against me. I wasn’t sure I liked him. “You’re his tutor.”
“Right,” I said. Not for much longer, I hope, I thought.
If my wish came true, I would be a little more than that.
I hoped to seal it with a kiss under the starry sky and stop hiding.
I hoped to be more than his physics tutor or his dating pupil.
I wanted the whole thing if he would give it to me.
And the only way to know for sure was to toss the dice and hope for the best.
“He’s in his room. I saw him go in.” Partridge pointed to the top of the staircase.
I thanked him, then headed up. It was only when I reached the middle of the staircase that I remembered I should have asked which room was his. I knew, but now this guy knew that I knew.
This is why I hate sneaking around, I thought. It was too late to turn and ask now, so I went up and to the right, approaching the end of the hallway.
I lifted my fist to knock on Sawyer’s door but paused when I heard voices.
The muffled voice belonged to Sawyer, and he was audibly agitated. “…his own good. He’s, uh… He’s not like us, Avery. He doesn’t screw around.”
“I don’t understand,” the other guy, Avery, said. “You want a boyfriend who screws around?”
I should have turned away then. I knew I should have. And it shamed me that I stood still. They were talking about me. I couldn’t discern what they were truly saying, but Avery mentioned a boyfriend. That word… It nearly tugged on the corners of my lips until I heard Sawyer snap again.
“No. I don’t want him to be my boyfriend. He’s too inexperienced for a relationship,” he said, and I felt a pit open in my stomach. “It’s too soon. He’s definitely not ready for something like that. Hell, I don’t even know if I’m ready. Or if I’ll ever be.”
“That’s a tough one.”
My ears rang, and my face heated up. I wasn’t supposed to be hearing this.
And he wasn’t supposed to be saying it, either.
It wasn’t fair.
“‘That’s a tough one?’ Is that all you have to say after dragging it out of me?”
“I’m thinking,” Avery said. “You need to tell him.”
“Out of the question.” The determined tone of his voice fractured whatever was left intact in my chest. Surely, my heart was in smithereens.
“I don’t see another way,” Avery said.
“I see another way.”
The ringing drowned out whatever else he might have said. I spun away as fast as I could, trembling and wanting to scream. I descended the stairs as much as I tumbled down them, not caring whether I tripped and fell or knocked that intimidatingly straight guy off his feet.
I raced across the ground floor.
“Wh-what happened?” Partridge — or whatever the hell his name was — asked.
I heard movement far behind me, doors opening, but I was already leaving, and I shut the door after me. It was only after I had left the front yard and made my way swiftly toward the dormitory that I let myself breathe.
A shudder thundered out of me. This was why I’d been holding my breath. I couldn’t trust myself to make a sound without collapsing. I covered my face and paused, letting the trembling wave pass through me, then balled my fists and straightened my arms by my sides.
What the hell had I been expecting? That someone like Sawyer would want to be serious with me? As if! I had nothing to offer but overblown dreams that had no basis in reality. He was one of the most popular guys on campus. And I had been a virgin until he’d pitied me enough to help me be rid of it.
I stormed the dormitory and marched ahead. The bitterness that covered my tastebuds was of my own making. How could I have let this happen? I was smarter than this. I should have known there would be no future here.
I gritted my teeth and decided against shutting myself off in my room.
Perhaps tonight, I could wish to erase the last few months from my memory. And if there were any justice in this cold, dying universe, that wish would come true.
Sawyer
“Shit,” I said, looking at Avery, horrified. As I leaped for the door, my heart was racing. Refusing to recognize what I already knew, deep down, I pulled the door open and felt my heart drop into my stomach.
Noah’s floppy, light brown curls were unmistakable when I spotted him racing for the main door. By the time I managed to open my mouth to call after him, the door swung open and then shut.
“What the hell was that?” Beckett asked from the kitchen island, where he was scraping off the burnt side of a piece of toast.
I had no time to explain. I only turned to Avery with a look that was devoid of emotion.
I tried to go over all the things I’d said.
I’d outed him as inexperienced to a total stranger — no matter that Avery was my best friend; I had no right — and I had…
oh shit! I had declared there could never be anything between us.
Fuck. My. Life.
“Go,” Avery said, urgency touching his usually cool voice. It must be important if Avery was showing emotion. “Fucking go after him,” he snapped impatiently.
I nodded, my throat choking up.
“And tell him how you feel, dammit,” Avery said when I hadn’t moved. “Don’t go around it, Sawyer. Just tell him.”
“Yeah. Okay. Right.” I murmured these words one after another, my mind spinning. I had to. I couldn’t avoid it.
My feet finally moved. I found myself hurrying out of the room without even a jacket. I walked into the cool spring air, but my body radiated heat of shock and urgency that even a hoodie seemed too much.
I ran out and down the paved path connecting our house with the rest of the campus.
My heart was skipping every other beat. What the hell had I done? He’d run away so quickly that I could only imagine he’d heard the worst in everything I’d said.
I knew I had to set him free, but not like this. I hadn’t meant for him to overhear it. I had only ever wanted to make everything better for him, not to break his heart.
What have I done? What have I fucking done?
The words spun around my mind as I reached the dormitory and barged in, then ran up the stairs toward his room.
The last time I came here, we had been high on lust and tumbling up the stairs while making out and touching each other's bodies all over the place.
We had indulged in such pleasures that this world had never known.
We had given our bodies to one another for the entire night.
If only it never had to end.
I knocked on his door nervously. I didn’t know what to tell him or what I would find. If he hated me for this, I couldn’t blame him. But it would hurt more than I could bear.
Nothing. Silence met me even when I knocked again.
I reached for the doorknob, my heart thundering in my chest as I turned it.
Locked.
Where the hell was he?
What had I done?
But then, in an instant of blinding realization, it made sense. Of course, Noah knew tonight was the meteor shower night. If anyone would know that, it was him.
I glanced at the other end of the hallway, where a door hung open, showing me the staircase to the rooftop terrace.
There was no other place he could be; I was sure of that.
I inhaled and held my breath, then moved slowly to the door.
The short staircase was narrow and bare, opening up at the top to the starry sky and a few square feet of tranquil space in an otherwise bustling campus.
And up there, as I walked out, facing away from me, was Noah Foster.
My heart clenched at the first sight of him.
Far beyond the outline of his unruly hair, blazing across the night sky, a shooting star sparked to life and winked out in a heartbeat. This wasn’t how I’d imagined this night would go.
“Noah?” I called, stepping closer.
He was still for a while longer, looking up at the starry sky.
The silence extended until the distant traffic seemed to be roaring in my ears.
Some party or another on the block had music that flooded the night.
Even crickets in the scattered green spaces on campus seemed to be working extra hard in the moments of Noah’s silence.
I began believing he either hadn’t heard or wouldn’t reply.
But then, he spoke at last. And the words that left his lips were the last I expected to hear.
“I shouldn’t have eavesdropped. I’m sorry. ”