12. Sawyer #3
I quickly took two paces closer. “What? No. Don’t be sorry for that.” I wanted to clear the air and explain what I’d meant, but I also didn’t want to push him any way he didn’t want to go.
Noah shrugged, his shoulders poking up. He turned slowly on his heels, and I got a good look at his disappointed expression.
“I didn’t mean…” I meant to say.
“It’s okay,” he interrupted.
“It’s really not,” I insisted. “Not like that.”
“What difference does it make?” he asked. “Overhearing it through the door or hearing you say it to my face. It’s the same thing in the end.”
I sighed, but my throat was tightening. The difference was that I wanted to set him free, not break him into pieces and shatter his confidence.
“Seriously, I get it.” But his eyes caught the distant lights of campus and the city beyond it, shimmering brighter than dry eyes could.
Tears, I realized. And my heart fractured.
Noah inhaled, but it was shallow and strained.
“You’re Sawyer Price — the star keeper everyone wants to be with.
You’re like that celestial object that draws all the worlds nearer.
Is it any surprise I got pulled into your orbit?
” He licked his lips and shook his head as if to dismiss his own foolishness.
But he wasn’t foolish at all. Not to me.
“And I know I’ll never be good enough, or hot enough, or popular enough for a guy like you.
” It was a strangled whisper, his choking throat letting him say nothing more.
Tears welled in my eyes, stinging, blurring the whole world before me. But I could make him out. I could make out those green eyes and the hurt and wonder battling in them.
What a goddamn mess we made. What a ridiculous mistake it was. All this time, keeping him at arm’s length for his own good…I was a fool. A damn fool. Who the hell was I to decide what was good for Noah? In doing it, I’d nearly changed the perfection that he was.
I set my hands on his face. He didn’t flinch.
The welling sob in my chest very nearly rose to my throat.
But I swallowed and licked my lips, then blinked the tears away.
They seared my cheeks on their way down.
Quietly, I told him the only thing I knew was true.
“You are amazing just the way you are. You are everything I could have wished for and more.” My throat seized, and I drew a shallow breath to relax it.
“The day you change, the stars will go out.”
For a moment, I could see a different timeline. There, Noah pulled away from me and did exactly what I’d always expected him to do. He embraced the lonely player lifestyle, acting out his fantasies with a score of guys who would undoubtedly want him. But that wasn’t Noah at all. Not my Noah.
“I didn’t want to steal your thrills,” I admitted, my voice cracking.
“I’m so stupid, Noah, but you know that already.
I thought I was setting you free. Why would a smart guy like you want to miss out on all the cheap fun for the sake of being with me?
” But I had never looked at things through his eyes.
“You are my thrills,” Noah said in a small voice, confirming just how blindingly dumb I had been. “I know I’m no good at this, Sawyer, but I thought we had something…” He let it linger in the air.
And I finished. “…special.”
He nodded. Tears spilled down his cheeks as he lifted a hopeful look at me. I brushed his tears away.
“We do,” I whispered. “I promise, it’s special. I’ve never had this with anyone. And you…hell, Noah, you need to stop having such a low opinion of yourself. You’re the most exciting partner I’ve ever been with.”
A chuckle that was equal parts a sob broke out of him. “I hardly believe that, but thanks.”
“I mean it,” I said, clutching his face tighter.
“Across the board, boys and girls, they were all just fun. But you…you make me feel alive. You make me think there’s so much more to life than just hooking up.
And that’s something I never felt before.
” I leaned a few inches closer, looking into his eyes intently until he believed me.
“I promise, I’ll never again just assume how you feel.
It was stupid to think that. But I honestly thought it was selfish to tie you to myself just because you make me feel better than anyone ever did. ”
Noah pulled his lower lip between his teeth and watched me for a heartbeat or two. “But you make me feel that way, too. And call me selfish, but I want to, literally, tie you to myself.”
I laughed at that, but the nervousness that rocked me made my laughter shaky. “I’m down for all kinds of things.”
“That’s…one of the things I…” Breath hitched in his throat, and he blinked rapidly, then lifted his chin a little higher. “…one of the things I…love about you.”
My heart hammered so fast and so abruptly that I nearly stumbled. I tried to chase thoughts that swirled through my head, but they were too erratic and random and quick for me to keep up.
“It’s not just that, though,” Noah said. “You’re kind and caring even though you pretend you’re tough and bored. But I guess that flirting tactic does work because I fell hard for you, Sawyer. You’re funny and confident even when you’re wrong and so much smarter than you think. And I…I love you.”
I realized then that I was trembling. I really hoped this wasn’t a dream or a glitch if Noah’s simulation theory was correct. I wanted it to be real, but I wasn’t going to pinch myself and accidentally wake up in case I was dreaming.
Instead, I licked my lips nervously and fought against blinking.
Every fraction of the second my eyes were closed was a fraction of a second I wouldn’t see his beautiful face and his shimmering eyes.
What a waste that would be. “You’re the best guy I ever met,” I said.
“I love your weird music. I love your endless tangents about space. I love how you tolerate my Uranus and black hole jokes. And since the first lesson you gave me, I loved everything you cared about. And if that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
I’m…I’m…I’m so in love with you, you can’t even imagine.
” The words spilled out of me, and each one made his eyes brighter and his smile broader.
He was fighting that splitting grin hard by the end.
And then, I made him lose the battle against it. “I love you, Noah.”
The corners of his lips stretched so wide, and his eyes glimmered so much that I laughed. My heart danced, and laughter erupted from me loudly as I heard the words I’d just said. Every last one was true. And they hardly did justice to the true extent of my feelings.
But where words couldn’t do it justice, lips still had a chance.
“Can I kiss you?” I asked.
Noah laughed, blinking new tears away. “I love that you think you have to ask.”
I leaned in, closing the small distance between us, and pressed my lips against his.
The first kiss was soft but so intense and passionate that all the ruthless, lust-filled kisses of our past paled in comparison.
I kissed him for a long time, inhaling through my nose and letting the sweet scent of his cologne sink deep into my memory.
It ticked every good feeling I had ever experienced.
It brought to life every joy, small and big, from all the times I had seen Noah and all the years before I had even met him.
Every happy Christmas morning and every cheer of the crowds that watched me on the ice.
His scent and his flavor brought all of it together.
I kissed him while the sky lit up with shooting stars.
And when we parted and looked up at the blazing meteor trails, I still held him close.
Countless fiery tails of shooting stars winked into life, but I had no more wishes needing to come true.
I had a brilliant, loving guy in my arms, and he was so much more than I could wish for.