BECKETT
Chapter Sixteen
I had to give it to him. Sawyer was true to his word.
As I eyed him in the common room, as well as the locker room, Sawyer acted the same as before.
He was as thoroughly in character as I, which was a whole different topic.
I didn’t care to think about it too much.
I didn’t care to wonder when my secret would be out.
I didn’t care to consider when the truth of my rocky, undefined, sexy relationship with Caden would affect the rest of my career and life.
When those thoughts closed in, I found I couldn’t breathe just as easily. So I kept them at bay.
Caden never pressed too hard. He never asked too bluntly.
After our night by the river, he seemed to soften and ignore that topic as much as I did.
He helped me get on PrEP on Monday, then instructed me to give it a while just to be sure.
He had assured me there was no rush, then held me in his arms from behind, slipped the protection on, and made the ground shake.
I was addicted to his body. I was addicted to our nights together.
And the prospect of removing the last barrier between us excited me beyond belief.
To feel him inside of me or to enter him without that thin layer of rubber seemed monumental to me.
It became the focus of all my desires. I couldn’t imagine two bodies getting any closer than that.
And until we had it, nothing else was enough. I needed more and more and more.
In the daylight, we pretty much ignored each other, exchanging casual glances and chit-chatting in passing.
And in the nights, I was in his room, never getting tired or bored.
I had him on his beanbag, discovering all the interesting ways a body could bend—especially an athlete’s body with years of finding new limits.
Caden was as much a gymnast as he was a gym goer.
And I had my talents, too. I could do the splits on his floor while he lay on his back, making his eyes widen and air drain.
In turn, Caden would surprise me the next night, hooking his foot behind his head.
He was big enough to do such unimaginable things with his own mouth that I came faster than ever, challenging him to a rematch an hour later.
We had more fun than I could remember having in years.
Even when I would notice him in the locker room after a tough game, sweaty, bruised, and undressed, I had the urge to leap at him and kiss the reddening skin he’d earned on the ice.
But I couldn’t reconcile the desires of my heart and the screaming of my mind.
And I didn’t want to weigh them consciously.
I feared which one would tip the scales. I feared them both.
When I spoke to my uncle, I believed I sounded casual. Normal. I stuck to the topics of hockey and my captaincy.
“Yeah, but how are you?” Uncle Nate asked on Friday afternoon before a big game that week.
“Um, fine,” I said.
“Just fine?” Uncle Nate pressed on.
“Yeah. Fine. Why wouldn’t I be? Coach Murray’s not regretting appointing me as much as he seemed to at the start.
I’m acing my exams. Well, only passing some of them.
Life’s good.” But I couldn’t bring myself to tell him everything.
I have a boy toy who makes everything else a little brighter.
I have a place to vent all my anger and get rewarded for it.
I have a lover I can’t stop looking at across the room when I really should.
Those were the things that dragged my heart deep into my stomach.
Uncle Nate was not married. The life of an NHL superstar afforded him little time to settle down.
And he was a heartthrob according to all the trashy magazines.
Not too few girls fainted when he signed their jerseys.
He was the father I had never had and the guy who had taught me how to be a guy.
Would I disappoint him if he knew? And for what purpose?
It wasn’t like Caden and I hoped to spend our lives together.
I’d never reported my hookups to Uncle Nate before.
Why should I do it now when it was with a dude?
And why should I risk ruining my relationship with the finest man I knew for something as undefined and uncertain as a hookup?
These questions followed me through that day and the next. The only distraction had been Caden’s willing body when I buried his head in the pillow to muffle his noises, giving him the ride of a lifetime.
But on Saturday evening, while I was in my bathroom, getting ready for Caden’s sexy revenge, I finally managed to forget these burdens.
I’d taken my pills and hoped to make tonight the night we finally experimented with something new.
I showered, dried, and dressed as if I were going out for the night.
And when I walked into my room, I discovered Jordan standing by my desk, holding the plastic container with my PrEP pills and frowning.
“Beckett,” he said, startled. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…I needed your notes from the drawer.”
My mouth was dry and my heart was in my throat. “They’re in my backpack,” I squeezed through clenched teeth. “The fuck are you doing?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, fumbling around and dropping the container into my drawer. “I really didn’t mean to, but then I saw…” He struggled and his voice cracked. “Are you…alright?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I demanded, fury uncoiling in my stomach.
Jordan lifted his hands in defense. “Beckett, I didn’t mean to intrude, I swear.”
“But you still intruded,” I accused him.
It was his turn to take offense. “If you caught something, you should be able to tell me. I’m your best friend, for fuck’s sake. I could be there for you.”
Rage blinded me. “I didn’t catch anything,” I snapped. “And I don’t intend to. This is preventive therapy.”
Jordan blinked several times quickly. “Preventive? Christ, I thought…”
“I know what you thought,” I told him. Somewhere beneath the anger, I knew I was grateful for his concerns. But he had no goddamn right to snoop through my drawer. I cooled a little and pursed my lips. “How do you even know about this stuff?”
Jordan rolled his eyes. “My parents made a PowerPoint presentation when…” He waved it off. “Doesn’t matter.”
I squinted, then got busy with my own life. “I don’t appreciate being put on the spot like this.”
“I swear, Beckett, I wouldn’t have. I misunderstood. I was shocked.” He rubbed his hands together, then frowned. “Can I ask you about it, though?”
My eyebrows flattened over my eyes.
“I don’t get it,” he said. “Why do you need this?”
I snorted. He knew nothing. “So I can safely engage in unprotected sex. Duh.”
Jordan rolled his eyes again, but this time, it was directed at my stupidity. “Jesus, Beckett, are you even thinking clearly? You’re a Partridge. You’ll get a girl pregnant.”
“I didn’t realize that we Partridges are considered that potent,” I replied blandly.
“That’s not what I mean,” he said. “You know this as well as I do. You get a lot of attention just because Nate’s your uncle.
No. Don’t look at me like that. I’m not rubbing your nose in it.
And you know you like it. Hell, man, you even look like him.
And I’m not saying everyone’s out to get you, but with your horny ass, it’s likely you’ll find one who’ll say she’s on the pill, have the baby, and screw you for life. ”
“Jesus, Jordan, you have a bleak view of the world,” I told him. “Are you alright?”
He glared at me. “And hey, maybe it’s not even that sinister. Maybe the pill just fails. Do I need to spell this out to you?”
I laughed at the ridiculousness of this situation. At the very least, he didn’t suspect I had a guy riding me every other night. “You need to pull your nose out of my sex life, buddy. I suggest finding one for yourself. This conversation is way too weird. I’m going out.”
“If there were a single adult in this goddamn house aside from me, maybe I’d have the time for it. As it stands, you’re all acting like teenagers and I don’t like it.”
“Don’t wait up, Papa,” I said as I grabbed my warm jacket and left the room.
It was late enough that none of the guys were downstairs.
Some were probably still in the basement, but most were in their rooms. And Sawyer was undoubtedly in his own place with Noah, attempting to grow a pair and tell Avery he’d moved out.
I stomped down the stairs, then snuck back up, anticipating Jordan to come after me.
When he didn’t, I slipped into Caden’s unlocked room and found him wearing only his pajama bottoms and a scowl.
“Your friend’s at it again,” he said as he hopped out of the bed to confront me. I removed my jacket, tossed it on the spare bed and kicked my shoes off. But Caden continued as I did this. “He’s upset Asher with all his brotherly wisdom.”
“Step-brotherly,” I murmured, amused with how Jordan would have reacted had he heard Caden’s choice of words. “And I know. He’s a pain in my ass, too.”
Caden frowned in surprise.
I lifted my eyebrows, silently asking him what had just happened.
“Aren’t we…gonna fight about it? I thought we were flirting.” I took the second part as a joke and laughed a little.
“Maybe later,” I said, moving past Caden to crash on his bed.
I crossed my legs at my ankles and twined my fingers behind my head.
Caden walked over and sat on the edge of the bed.
There was enough room for him to lie next to me, but he was visibly confused with the turn of events.
I sighed and watched his face. Longing unraveled in me so abruptly that I almost sobbed. “Can you just…hold me?” I whispered.
Caden needed a moment to let my words sink in. But when they did, he dropped to his side and wrapped an arm around me.
I twisted and turned until I was his little spoon, then let my head sink into the pillow. Caden’s heated breath on my neck and his bare torso against my shirt made me want to melt into him. But my mood was too sour for anything fun.