3. Sebastian
Chapter Three
SEBASTIAN
I must have had a bad dream. The panic boiled in me and a gentle hand squeezed my shoulder.
Jennifer. I thought I spoke her name. I wanted to turn around and embrace her.
I wanted to press our bodies together, to hold her so tightly that nothing could pull us apart.
But then, the awareness poured in and brought all the pain back.
My heart sank deep into my stomach and I must have let out a sound.
Someone’s soft voice whispered something my sleeping brain didn’t comprehend.
I wanted to open my eyes and face the speaker, but the warmth that enveloped me was too heavy to escape from. It dragged me down and lulled me back to sleep.
When I next woke up, there was a cold sensation on my back, like someone had pulled the comforter off me and let the cool morning air pour through the window.
When I blinked a few times, and the world sharpened around me, I found that the window truly was open and the winter air replaced the stuffiness in the room.
The bright light of a new day poured into our room.
I sat up, rubbing the back of my neck. Something hurt in my chest like I’d swallowed a really big bite of food without chewing.
The corners of my lips dragged down hard as memories returned to me.
Dixon and his big arms and broad chest; Jennifer and her venomous words; Tyler comforting me.
As I thought of him, the door to our room opened quietly.
“You’re up,” he said in a casual, conversational tone. He carried two steaming mugs of coffee on a small tray. He shut the door with his foot. “I bring gifts.”
I blinked a couple more times before I took in the details. His bed was perfectly made, pillow fluffed, but he still wore his pajamas. My mattress was flattened, however, like it had supported twice my weight for a night.
I pressed my lips and forced a grateful smile. It didn’t reflect the feelings in me, but it was the best I could do. Tyler didn’t have to hear it spoken to know I was thankful. We had been in this situation before. He had always anchored me and protected me from the storms taking me adrift.
As I got up, the weight of my embarrassment and shame at how yesterday had turned out pulled me down.
I mustered my strength and marched to the bathroom.
After I had brushed my teeth and splashed my face with cold water, some alertness returned to me.
In the room, I changed into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie.
It was for appearances if nothing else. However cool Tyler might have looked, I knew precisely how concerns tensed his facial muscles.
And I didn’t want him worrying about me.
Tyler had set my mug on my desk and was leaning back in his chair.
His feet were on the desk, legs crossed at his ankles, and he wiggled his toes playfully when I looked at him.
“Today’s agenda is as follows: have your coffee.
Take all the time you need, but you only have forty-five minutes.
Good? Good. We’re grabbing breakfast on the way, something light, and hitting the gym.
I’ve got an essay in need of sources, so you’ll keep me company at the library.
It won’t take long and you can make a list of assignments in order of importance while we’re there. ”
I was silent, sitting in my chair, holding my mug in both hands. “Actually…”
“…you would rather stay in. I know,” he said, not unkindly.
I nodded.
“We have drills tonight,” he reminded me. “Coach Murray wants to poke holes in our defense tactics.”
Apparently, our strategies were becoming predictable. I knew that, too. “I’ll be there.”
“Of course you will,” Tyler said with a cheery smile. “We’ll go there together after we have lunch and play a couple of matches in the den.”
“Ty,” I said softly.
There was no interrupting him. “I already made the plan. You better start sipping that coffee, dude.”
I did as I was told, but that didn’t mean I agreed with the rest. Coffee helped put the gears in motion in my brain, so I sniffed and looked at my friend. “I’d still like to stay in today. Let’s not pretend we don’t know what happened.”
“Let’s not,” Tyler agreed. “Let’s take it by the balls and tell it to fuck off. You’re above this, Sebastian.”
I snorted. Right now, I felt lower than a slug. I felt like I was rolling in the dirt. Disgusting, unloveable, pathetic. “Can’t I just lick my wounds for one day?”
“Absolutely not,” Tyler said. He softened his voice and dropped his feet from his desk.
He leaned in, crossing his arms where his legs had just been, and looked into my eyes.
“I know it feels like you lost her, Sebastian. But you have to believe me, if that’s how she treats good guys, you lost nothing at all. ”
He didn’t get it. Even if the real person was cold-hearted, I lost the idea of her. I lost the thing I cared about. And my self-esteem went with it.
“I don’t mean to push you too hard,” he said. “I just need you to trust me. Just a little.”
I trust you with my life, I thought. It was hard to speak over the thickening knot in my throat.
“This is what’s best for you, Sebastian.
The shock will wear off and you’ll be glad that you’re out of that snake nest. But until then, I won’t let you fall into the trap of self-pity.
Or, worse yet, to start idealizing her, justifying her, and thinking how you could change to suit her better.
I’ve seen you do it, man.” He wore infinite compassion on his face.
His chestnut eyes were warm and kind as ever.
His light brown locks were extra wavy and messy from sleeping.
“Do what I tell you. I’ll make it all better. I promise.”
And I believed him. He was absolutely right.
I had gone through the mental gymnastics of justifying and glorifying my ex-girlfriends in the past. I had attempted to change myself and everything around me depending on the whims of those who didn’t want me.
And I easily fell into the trap of wallowing in despair.
If anyone knew it as well as I did, it was Tyler. He had pulled me back from the brink more times than I could count.
So, for the rest of the day, my activities were decided for me.
We had coffee, then a light breakfast. We walked for a time instead of going straight to the campus gym, letting the breakfast settle a bit.
The trees were bare. Some evergreens towered tall over us, their branches weighed down with thick lumps of snow.
The world was asleep. There was nothing I wanted more than a cozy little room and someone to hold.
“What are you thinking about?” Tyler asked as he nudged me gently.
I shook my head. “How I keep falling for the wrong people.”
He sucked his teeth. “You’re doing it again, Sebastian,” he said.
“Doing what?” I blinked against a cool gust of wind.
Tyler threw his arm over my shoulders as we strolled down the path through the heart of the campus. “You’re making it your fault. The way ‘you fall’ for the wrong ones. In truth, they keep betraying you.”
“Same difference,” I said. “Besides, if all the girls I date end up hurting me, maybe there is something wrong with me.”
“Shitty luck,” Tyler said.
“An easy excuse,” I countered. “Am I drawn to those that will hurt me?” I didn’t want to believe it, but it was a legitimate question.
“Not at all,” Tyler said. “Amy hadn’t hurt you. You just…drifted.”
“And she told me she would rather be single than waste her time on me,” I said. Fuck. I made myself seem as pathetic as I felt. “But really, it’s Jennifer. I thought I was doing everything right. I had no idea she was so unhappy.”
“She makes herself unhappy,” Tyler said. “Do you think she’ll build a life with that ox?”
I couldn’t help it. A bitter laugh broke out of me. “If she does, it won’t be a happy one.”
“I know girls like that,” Tyler said. Our pace was picking up as the cold air bit our butts and made us long for warmth, even if it was at a gym.
“They were their daddies’ favorite, never hearing a ‘no,’ always getting their way.
They don’t know what a bad thing is. They don’t know what it means to struggle.
And what did Jennifer do? She pulled problems out of her ass. ”
I hated that a small part of me wanted to argue on her behalf. I hated that something in me was still protective of Jennifer even when my best friend painted the truth for me.
It was good that we were going to work out.
I hadn’t realized how much anger I was carrying until I started punching the speed button on the treadmill.
When I pushed it to eight miles per hour, Tyler’s gaze was darting in my direction.
We ran and ran and ran until sweat was dripping off my body, but my stamina was far from exhausted.
The second part of the workout took us well over an hour and a half.
We lifted weights, focusing on our torsos today, and I pushed myself to the brink of collapse.
Every growl and grunt that left me brought me a sliver of peace somewhere deep inside my chest. My pecs seared as I lifted the heavy bar, my triceps screaming with pain.
I didn’t worry. Tyler was there to help me whenever my muscles betrayed me and I couldn’t lift the bar to the safety pegs.
He never left my side that entire day. Not while we worked out and not when we stopped at the library. We grabbed lunch together and returned to the team house for a bit of a rest before our drills in the evening.
It had been a long time since Tyler and I spent this much time together.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was glad to be around him.
We had grown up together, inseparable since the day he was born.
The younger one between us, even if by two weeks only, Tyler was wiser.
I relied on him whenever my family became too much to handle.
In return, I had been his support when his mom left. And I hoped I’d done a good job.
To this day, Tyler was more than a brother to me.
My own brothers didn’t like me very much.
They loved me; they just didn’t know what else to do with me.
I’d been a black sheep in my family since I first picked up a stick and put on a pair of skates.
Even now, I remember it. Tyler had gone to a local rink and did a trial session with a junior group.
He had fallen and bruised himself more times in that one night than ever before.
But the huge, dimpled grin on his face when he told me about it was enough to infect me with the same sort of infatuation.
My parents hadn’t imagined that a bit of fun activity could ever turn into something I loved. They’d enrolled me right away, even though my brothers frowned and spoke against it. Mom and Dad regretted it later, but I didn’t.
Tyler went to the basement before me. I stayed in our room to find the sources for the introduction of my essay using some of Tyler’s literature and promised to join him for a game or two.
About twenty minutes later, I pushed myself away from the desk, bleary-eyed and useless. Instead of searching through his literature, I was replaying the events of last night. So many things crossed my mind. All I could have said and done, but it was too late now.
If there was any justice out there, I would never see Jennifer again. And that thought alone made my heart throb painfully.
I balled my fists and went downstairs. The basement area was behind a door and I paused when I heard Tyler’s voice.
At first, I just didn’t want to disturb him, but then I heard the words.
“…leave him now. He’s not good, Court. He needs me.
” Silence. Pacing. “Yes. Yes, I know. But he actually needs me for a specific problem. I can’t come tonight.
” He gasped. “What? No. It’s not like that.
Babe, you know how I feel about this. You know I want to see you, but it’s not right. ”
I walked back up to the ground level and checked the contents of the fridge.
When I had nothing else to do, I pulled out a bottle of water, cracked it open, and drank half of it in one go.
I knew he was putting his life on hold because of me.
And I adored him for it. But I couldn’t let him sacrifice his relationship just because I got screwed over.
Inevitably, Tyler went to look for me. He found me in the kitchen, drinking water, and smiled. “Ready? I’m in the mood to kick your sorry ass.” There wasn’t a trace of anything other than positive energy on his face. He was a joyful guy, quick to laugh, loyal to those he loved, and beyond selfless.
But later, after practice, I had to push him away.
I had to send him to Courtney so that at least one of us had a normal, healthy relationship.
“I’m ready,” I said, forcing a calm to my voice that I didn’t feel.
But it was worth it. If Tyler believed I was fine, he wouldn’t feel like he had to babysit me.
And if I could get him to be happy, then it was totally worth it.
I could hold the pieces of my shattered heart without ruining my best friend’s love life together with mine.