TYLER
Chapter Eight
We walked in haste, shoulder against shoulder, and a wave of giddiness passed through me making me want to laugh.
There was nothing funny, but laughter bubbled in me uncontrollably.
Whenever the back of my hand brushed against the back of his, it added to the need to throw my head back and laugh out loud.
I had never felt such a lack of control over my reactions. It was like he had dismantled everything that made sense and revealed something wonderful that I had never found in myself.
“Wait,” Sebastian whispered. “Ty, hold on.”
We stopped walking near the campus heart and moved out of the pool of light from a street lamp. We wedged ourselves between two student facilities into a more private alley where the back entrances were.
As I followed him, I closed the distance between us.
I wanted to kiss him as soon as he turned around.
I wanted to lift him and pin him against the wall, kiss the length of his neck, lick his tanned skin, and feel his reactions the way I had already felt it in the library.
The thought of lusting after someone’s hard cock had never crossed my mind.
It was like I had never even considered it until the moment my crotch pressed against his and he throbbed.
Then, like a curtain being pulled from a southside window in the middle of a bright summer day, an entirely new world was revealed.
But Sebastian turned to me slowly and carefully, his facial expression changing. My heart stilled before my brain caught up. He was controlling his expressions, but there were visible worries rising in his eyes.
“You have doubts,” I said. I knew this face. I knew the set of his jaw and the tightness of his muscles.
But maybe I didn’t know him as well as I’d thought.
He shook his head quickly, banishing that idea.
“It’s not that,” he said, his voice smooth and deep.
He stepped closer to me, almost like his body was driving him to hold and feel me, but his mind was pulling his limbs back.
His impulses almost prevailed. His hands were on the sides of my waist and he pulled us close together.
When we were just boys, we were constantly conspiring, our heads close together in sharing a private joke that would get us scolded if the adults heard it. This threw me back into the past for a moment and a deep sort of nostalgia roared through me.
Sebastian leaned in a little, closing his eyes, then moved in a way that placed his brow on mine.
He resisted the urge I was feeling in myself, too; the urge to let go and kiss each other, letting the world pass us by, rendering it meaningless outside of our happy little bubble. “It’s Courtney, Ty,” he said.
Guilt and shame thundered through me. I could almost fool myself into thinking that we were done.
I could trick myself into believing that Courtney had given up on me.
She’d told me not to bother coming at all.
At the time, I had shrugged it off as an angry and justified outburst, but I hadn’t considered it the end.
The few cold messages we had exchanged since then were as vague and ambiguous as those last words she had flung at me.
I wanted to tell Sebastian it was over. I wanted to swear to him that I was free to do whatever I wanted.
But I knew where that urge was coming from.
To be able to touch him and recognize that the longing for his proximity had been there since we were young boys, unrecognized and never understood, was too strong to resist. I didn’t want to wait and the suggestion that I should wait even a minute longer angered me.
“I…” I choked. The anger faded, giving room to even more shame.
Sebastian pulled his head back and looked into my eyes.
“Are you sure you wanna throw that away?” He hesitated, chewing his lower lip for a few heartbeats.
“We don’t know where this is leading us.
I’ve never…” He shook his head and looked away like he was embarrassed.
A few quick blinks later, his gaze returned to my eyes.
“Neither of us has ever done anything like this. With guys. With your best friend. It’s… dangerous.”
I put my hands over his and twined our fingers as I stepped back to take a better look at him. “I’m willing to risk it, Sebastian,” I whispered. “Nothing’s felt this right before. I want to give it a chance. Besides…” I shrugged. “We’ll always be friends, right?”
A determined frown wrinkled the space between his eyebrows as he nodded firmly.
“Of course. Always.” He didn’t move to kiss on it.
I figured it wasn’t appropriate to seal our friendship vow with a passionate exploration of each other’s mouths.
Instead, I licked my lips and decided that he was right.
I needed to speak to Courtney first. I was lying to myself that it was already over.
“I’ll go see Courtney,” I promised. If we were going to try this crazy thing, I wasn’t going to be another Jennifer in Sebastian’s life. A clean start was what we needed.
The relief and gratitude in his eyes told me I had made the right choice. It was worth the wait if it made him this happy. Besides, my soul felt a little less stained.
It took two days to get Courtney to see me.
I had decided against calling her right away that evening, going in for a long night of semi-lucid dreaming instead.
I’d done great and wondrous things with Sebastian in my mind that night while he slept quietly in his bed ten feet away from me.
His steady breathing became the passionate panting in my head, and whenever he tossed or turned, I saw his flesh revealed before my imagination’s eyes.
The following two days were a blend of torture. There was longing and desire that kept meeting the cold wave of reality. If we would try this crazy thing, we wouldn’t drag the burdens of the past into it.
I drummed my fingers against the wooden surface of the table in the café halfway between Northwood and Courtney’s place.
The warm atmosphere was helped by the many little lamps scattered in the windows, books stacked on the windowsills, houseplants spreading their vines along the walls, and the smart choices of red brick and wood in the interior design.
My chest was tightening with every passing minute.
I wanted to see Sebastian tonight and tell him this was over.
I wanted to tell him I had done the right thing.
And then…I shut those things out of my mind.
I hadn’t earned them yet. First, I had to come clean, then I could daydream about Sebastian however much I liked.
Now that the door was slightly open to all those possibilities, I couldn’t understand why we hadn’t thought of this before.
But the truth was, I had never even considered being interested in another guy.
Besides, there were his parents to think of.
I’d witnessed their homophobic remarks too many times.
Dread rose up my spine before I could contain it. We hadn’t thought of that. We hadn’t talked about it.
I needed to see him and Courtney was…behind me. She cleared her throat and I stiffened before I jumped. “I’m surprised you came,” she said coolly. “Or called.”
She passed around the table and dragged a chair out slowly so it scraped against the floor before plopping down into it.
Aside from the unmistakable disregard for me, she was an attractive girl.
Brown-haired, skin darker than mine, not too thin and bony for my taste, and with a piercing look that simply held my gaze like a magnet.
I folded my hands on the table as a shiver passed through me. “I figured we’d have to talk,” I said.
She studied me for a moment. I ran through my thoughts.
I would begin by addressing the obvious problems we’d had for a while, take the blame for my coldness in the recent period, and admit to her that I had growing feelings for someone else.
Even so, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her it was Sebastian.
I wouldn’t out him before we knew there was anything to out.
Just as the silence urged me to start speaking, her words cut me off.
“It’s a good thing you called,” she said, nodding firmly. The waiter arrived and took our orders. We sat in silence again, words welling in me despite the lack of courage. I was getting ready to tell her. I had to. I had to admit there was someone else.
Courtney asked me how things have been these days.
I started talking about Sebastian slowly recovering from the shock and the betrayal, but the waiter stopped me when he brought our coffees.
It seemed to work in Courtney’s favor. She took a long sip of her frothy latte, licked her lips, and looked into my eyes.
She didn’t ask me to continue talking about Sebastian.
“I’ll be honest, Tyler, I was wondering if there was any point to even bother trying to patch things up,” she said. I couldn’t read her tone exactly. “Had you not asked to see me, I think I would have moved on soon. But…” She hesitated, and I realized that this, to her, was a making-up date.
My heart sank. I felt horrible in an instant. I’d hoped to break it to her without disappointing her, but she was getting ready to give us another chance.
My chest was so tight that I had an urge to grab it with a hand and still my heart. I opened my mouth to speak, but Courtney waved me shortly to silence. “I think, if you’re serious about this, that it’s good we’re here, talking, face to face.”
My heart lurched. I was such a goddamn coward.
“You have so much potential,” she said. “I know there’s more to you than just hockey and that weird brotherhood you think is sacred. But it’s just a team, Ty. It’s not a real fraternity and you’re better than that musketeer bullshit.”
My brow wrinkled before I could start looking for words.
“Here’s the thing,” she said matter-of-factly.
She spoke like all of it was a given and I just needed to nod along.
“I’m willing to work on it. I really am.
But things have to change, Ty. I can’t keep sharing you with those guys.
And I can’t keep sharing you with Sebastian.
I know you think it’s important, but it’s just a break-up.
He doesn’t really need you. So, if you want us to be together, he’ll have to go.
” She paused, waiting for a response. When she didn’t get any, she leaned a little closer. “Who’s it going to be, Ty?”
“Oh, Court,” I sighed. “That’s a horrible position to be in.”
She cocked her head almost sympathetically. “I wouldn’t put you in that position if it wasn’t important.”
I blinked once, confused, then frowned as I shook my head.
“No, I meant your position.” Her eyebrows rose a fraction of an inch.
“You can’t really believe it’s a good idea to make me choose between you and him.
I mean, it’s not a nice place to be, Courtney.
” My temper was rising, but something else was there too.
Relief? I felt liberated. It was like tight ropes loosening and my muscles remembering what it was like to be free.
I took a deep breath. “I choose him.” The surprise on her face was horrible.
It made me sad to do it like this. And dirty.
Like I was getting away with a crime. “I’ll always choose him over anyone else, Courtney.
Sebastian is the nicest guy ever and he’s my best friend.
There’s no negotiating his place in my life.
It’s everyone else who needs to fit in.” The idea that I would have to cut him out for anyone made me terrified.
I couldn’t imagine a life without him, no matter what his role in it was.
Her eyes grew wide with shock. “Are you fucking serious?”
“Oh yeah,” I said. “I’m dead serious. Nobody gets between Sebastian and me. Not friends, not relationships, not even family.”
Anger tightened her lips. Her nostrils flared and she trembled with rage. “Are you two fucking?”
“No.” A distant, vague sense of longing passed through my chest. We’d flirted with the idea.
We’d even kissed so passionately that fucking seemed like the only way to go, but we hadn’t actually talked about it.
And we definitely hadn’t talked in length about the fact that we were two guys who had never been into men before.
It was a huge leap and I wasn’t even close to unpacking these thoughts.
What I told her was true even if I lied by omission.
“Fine. It doesn’t matter,” she said, softer. “I see that you’re a lost cause, Tyler. I tried to be someone to you. Someone to help you grow out of that frat bro phase. But you’re hopeless, Tyler. And I’m done putting work into this relationship.”
She pushed her chair back, the loud scraping filled the room and made a few people turn their heads in our direction.
“Wait,” I said.
She paused, standing and holding her head high. “It’s too late to change your mind, Tyler. You said what you said.”
I held a breath for a moment. “I don’t mean to change my mind, Court,” I said softly.
She stiffened her facial muscles and waited.
“I’m sorry I sidelined you,” I said. “I shouldn’t have dragged you along.”
Her mouth was pinched small for a few moments. Then, blinking, her expression softened a little. She shook her head. “You shouldn’t have.” And with that, she walked away. Her footsteps receded between the tables and melted into the background noise.
I slouched in my chair and stared at my coffee. That was tough as hell, but it was over. I had owed her that apology. This relationship had been my second priority pretty much since the beginning, but I hadn’t realized it until now. Yet it was a relief, too, having finished this.
In my mind, I could see him. Sebastian was in our room, choosing to isolate because that was who he really was, waiting for me to come home, to kneel, to tell him it was over, and to promise that I was free.