Chapter 12
Mertie stared at Garnet. Was he serious? He had wished that they had been a family together?
That was what he had to forgive her for?
As she considered it, running it over in her mind, she supposed she could see his point of view. He was a single father and could have used a mother’s help.
“I know right now you’re probably thinking it’s through the teenage stage, that change of life where she’s asking me about menstruation, and I had to walk in the store and try to figure out what feminine products to buy, and if I wasn’t going to talk to her about it, somebody else was going to have to, but I was going to have to talk to them before they could talk to her, and I didn’t want to leave it up to just anyone.”
“You were homeschooled. You couldn’t just let the school do it.” That made sense to her.
“No. I couldn’t.”
If this conversation wasn’t so serious, she would be smiling because his cheeks were turning pink underneath his tan. It was cute, except they were talking about her not being there to talk about all the womanly things that her daughter needed to know. They were talking about her leaving him to do it by himself, except she didn’t. She had asked him to put her up for adoption.
“Did you ever regret not putting her up for adoption?” she asked, not wanting to rub in the fact that he had brought all of this on himself.
“Lots of times. I wonder what in the world I was thinking. How did I think that a single man could be a mother and father to a young girl, especially one who was growing into womanhood so rapidly. I was so wrong. She would have been better off with a mom and a dad, but every time I thought that, God reminded me that no one would love her the way I did.”
And that was the truth. It was obvious that he loved her, loved her with his whole heart, and that was one more thing that Mertie owed the Lord for. He had given her daughter a dad who had loved her more than life. No girl could ask for more. Unless she asked for a mom who loved her the same.
And that’s what Garnet wanted. He wanted a mom who loved Dabney more than life. Not just any woman, but one who would love his daughter.
“I dated a little bit. Not much. I couldn’t marry someone who was going to treat my daughter like she wasn’t their child. I wasn’t going to bring anyone home to Dabney that I wasn’t completely serious about and intended to make a permanent part of our family. That meant I didn’t bring anyone home.”
“I’m sorry. You might have had a wife and a whole pile of kids right now, if I hadn’t done what I did.”
“You pointed out I could have put her up for adoption. But I didn’t think it was the right thing to do then, and I’m sure it’s not what God wants me to do now.”
“I’m not sure of anything.” She didn’t know whether giving her baby to Garnet had been the right decision or not. Maybe she would never know. “Maybe I should have kept her.”
“I would have helped you with her. If you had kept her, I would have raised her with you.”
“Two friends don’t make a marriage.”
“I could have been an uncle. Who said anything about marriage?”
She laughed, embarrassed, and looked away. He was right. He hadn’t asked her to marry him. Not then, not now either. He hadn’t even insinuated it. He’d just said he would have raised Dabney with her, helped her. She could have depended on him.
“You didn’t love me like that,” he said softly as she continued to look toward the water and avoid his gaze.
“And you didn’t love me that way.”
“I love you.”
That made her smile. “I love you too.” That was easy to say. It was true. Had she loved him the way a woman loves the man that she wants to spend the rest of her life with? She couldn’t remember.
When she had first moved away, they had just been growing into the adults that they would become, and she remembered wondering what it would feel like to kiss him, to stand and lie beside him, but they had never acted on any of those things. When she had given him her baby, she had too many other things on her mind to think about whether or not she had any kind of feelings for Garnet. The idea didn’t even cross her mind. At the time, if she remembered correctly, she hated all men.
Stupidly, she figured now, since it was hardly that unnamed boy’s fault that she had agreed to have a one-night stand with him. She had known exactly what she was getting herself into, and she hadn’t tried to get herself out of it. She had thought that everyone else was doing it and that she might as well too.
The last time she ever thought that.
But all that was water under the bridge.
“Do you think that God brought me here so I can meet you, see Dabney, and... I don’t know. Get to know her some?”
“Maybe. Is that what you think?”
“You’re the pastor.”
“You’re the Christian speaker. You write books on these things. What do your books say?”
“My books just point people to the Bible. But that doesn’t have an answer to this question.”
“Doesn’t it? Or maybe we don’t want to look for that.”
“What do you mean?”
“The Bible has the answer to all of life’s questions. We just sometimes don’t want to know what the answers are. We don’t like them, we dismiss them. They don’t suit our narrative or our enlightened views of what society should be, but in reality, man has been doing that since the beginning of time. Rejecting what God says, trying to do things our own way.”
“We’re like Cain. Giving vegetables as a sacrifice, rather than what God ordained.”
“Exactly. Even the first children couldn’t just do what God said. They thought they had a better way.”
“We think we’re different. We think we really do have a better way. We know more now. Science tells us so,” she said, sarcasm heavy in her voice.
“Science changes constantly. We make new discoveries, realize things that we thought we knew aren’t as right as what we thought they were.”
“You found that pattern too?” she asked with a small laugh.
“You’d think it would help me believe the Bible more, but so many times I want to shake my head and say, ‘God didn’t really mean that. He meant most of the other things in here, but not that.’”
“Or maybe I just skim over it entirely and pretend it’s not there. If I pretend I don’t see it and pretend I don’t know about it, then I don’t have to obey.”
“Or I remain ignorant of it all and let someone else tell me what they think the Bible says, only they’re making up whatever to suit their agenda, and now I’m like one of those sheep who have gone astray, listening to someone other than God and allowing them to tell me what to do.”
“It sounds like we both run into this.”
“You have more of a ministry than I have though. I just related to it even in our homeschool groups. People scoff when you try to live the way God wants you to.”
They were quiet for a moment, and then he said, “It looks like we’ve taken different paths but arrived at the same place.”
She paused a moment to process his words. But then, she thought she understood what he was saying. Their lives had certainly been different, but they agreed on the fundamental principles, the basic principles that govern everyone’s lives, and they both agreed that they came from the Bible.
“Interesting how the Lord worked things out that way sometimes,” she said softly, wondering what else God had in store for her. He reunited her with her best friend from childhood, showed her her daughter, and gave her the offer of a lifetime, all within the space of a week.
She knew what she needed to say. It had become clear as they spoke. “God’s been doing so much in my life lately, I’m a little overwhelmed. I’m also not sure what direction to go, but I do know for sure that I’d like to know Dabney.”
“As her mother?”
There was no doubt that there was hope in Garnet’s eyes, and she hated to squelch it, but she didn’t know about that.
“Once the secret is out, we can’t ever put it back.”
“Is that how you want to continue to live?” She thought that he might have been pushing her, but then he added, “I’m truly asking. You lived your life that way so far. Surely there must always be a part of you that’s afraid that the secret is going to come out and that everything you’ve built will be destroyed. Especially if it comes out the wrong way. Along with that, I’ve worried about Dabney finding out. Will she be mad at me? Will she hate me for not telling her? Will she feel betrayed that I knew all along and could have told her any one of the millions of times that she’d asked me, but I chose not to? Will she think that you hated her and didn’t want her and that’s why you gave her away, and not to push you into anything, but that’s how she feels.”
She had been listening, but when he said those last words, they ripped her heart right in two.
“I wanted her. I wanted her so bad. But... I hated that boy. I hated him. You’re right, I didn’t forgive him. Even though he was just doing what he had done with a hundred other girls. He wasn’t deliberately singling me out and hurting me on purpose. But it made me mad that he could get away with it, and I was left with the baby to take care of. A body that wasn’t mine anymore, and this terrible secret that I’ve hidden all my life. He hasn’t given me another thought. Hasn’t given the idea that we might have had a baby together a thought, I’m sure.”
“You’ve allowed him in your life for long enough. I would say kick him out.”
“How?” she asked, frustrated.
“Forgive. Let it go.”
It sounded so simple. But the whole of her being rebelled against that. Until she remembered that they had just been talking about God’s way being best and God’s way said forgive. It didn’t give parameters on what. Everything should be forgiven.
“So our previous topic of conversation was a really great lead-in to that. Since now I feel convicted. If God’s way is right, I need to forgive.”
“I wasn’t here to beat you up. That wasn’t what I wanted,” he said, and with those words, he laid a hand on her forearm.
She almost jerked it back. For some reason, some internal part of her knew that it was a bad idea for him to touch her. But he was doing it as a friend. For comfort. To show her that he was sincere.
“I never wanted that,” he repeated.
She put her hands up, signaling for him to stop. “I know. I know that. And the same is true of me. I never meant, not in a million years, to put you out, to ruin your life, to—”
He put his hand up and shook his head. “No. I know. And I told you, I wouldn’t change a thing.”
That wasn’t true for her. She would change so many things. Not the least of which would be her stupid, sinful, humanistic desire to be like her friends and think that sleeping around, spending a night with whomever looked good, whoever she had a remote, animal-like attraction for, was okay. Giving her baby away, giving it to her best friend, and infringing on their friendship. It hadn’t even occurred to her how much she had asked of him. Even Mrs. Calvin, who had never complained at all, must have done so much to try to keep everything quiet.
All she had been thinking about was herself. From the first moment she set foot out of the door intending on going out with friends, and doing what they did, to the very minute that she walked away from her baby. It had all been about her. Wasn’t that what Zebedee Clinger’s offer was, too? All about her?
She didn’t know where that question came from, but she wanted to deny it categorically. It was about God. Furthering His word. About spreading the gospel to as many people as she could reach.
But wasn’t it better for her to take care of her own house first? To take care of the daughter who didn’t know whether or not her mother wanted her? And who was hurt because she felt like her mother hated her, that that’s why she gave her up. The idea made Mertie’s heart hurt.
“Can I meet her?”
“Sure. She isn’t the most talkative girl in the world. She enjoys reading and just quietly contemplating things. She also likes to cook.”
“Maybe we can have that in common. I’ve been interested in nutrition and have been trying to make healthier meals for myself, since when I travel, I don’t eat very well at all.”
“Maybe. She’s just trying to find a way around the kitchen. But she is health-conscious.”
She couldn’t avoid the disappointment on his face, which he tried to hide with an enthusiasm that was obviously fake.
“I really want her to know that I didn’t hate her, that I love her and want the best for her, but... Can I just meet her first?” she asked, softly and humbly because if he said no, she would accept it. Although, he hadn’t denied her anything. And she had the feeling that he never would. And he wouldn’t do it grudgingly or with murmuring or complaining. He truly did want to make whatever sacrifice was necessary in order to do whatever she wanted him to. That was just the kind of man he was.
“Of course. I already told you you could.” He paused. “I know you have her best interest at heart. I... I want to avoid hurting her if possible, although I believe, with all my heart, that sometimes we have to go through pain in order to grow, and to learn empathy for others, and to know what other people have to go through in order to forgive us.”
“Sometimes we react in anger because someone close to us has gotten hurt, but the best reaction is to teach them how to use that hurt to grow.” She had taught that a million times in her seminars and books. It was interesting that Garnet thought the same way. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to hurt her on purpose. I promise I’ll try as hard as I can not to, but... It’s probably going to be a sensitive area for all of us.”
“Only if we allow it to be. I think it will be hardest for Dabney because she’s a child, but you and I are both adults. We know sometimes life hurts. We also know that we can choose to think the best about people, or we can choose to think the worst. And we know which choice is best.”
“Some people don’t deserve to have the best thought about them.”
“What you deserve has nothing to do with what you get.”
He was right about that. So right. If she got what she deserved, she certainly wouldn’t have a profitable speaking and writing career, where she got to live for Jesus every single day and point people to Him.
“What do you think would be best?” she asked, wanting to allow him to lead them forward. After all, he was the one who knew Dabney best.