Chapter 38 Dean
DEAN
Strawberry Springs Neighborhood Watch
Kerry Winsor: Sometimes you’re there for everyone else and no one is there for you . . .
Comments:
Tammy Jane: Vague posting AGAIN? Use your words.
Marjorie Brown: She’s just mad she’s annoying.
Tammy Jane: Pfft. You’re right.
Kerry Winsor: RUDE.
Kerry Winsor: I needed a hat from Grace and the shop’s closed!
Tammy Jane: Wait, seriously?
Marjorie Brown: He either fucked up or they’re having one hell of a morning after.
Henrietta Brown: Sigh. Admins, delete that.
Gravel kicked up from my tires and I sped into the driveway. I wanted to be back before she got up so she didn’t wake up alone.
Getting to and from Shady Acres took until after the sun had risen, and I was feeling like the biggest idiot for rushing out like I did. My phone was dead, so I had no way to call her, and I had a feeling she wouldn’t be thrilled if she woke up and saw my hastily written excuse for not being there.
I cursed when I didn’t see her car, but I needed to charge my phone and see if there was any sign that she’d seen it.
The house was as I left it, but was silent. My heart sank. She hated how quiet it could be.
My note was still on the dining room table and I slowly walked up to it. I wasn’t sure what I expected, but when I saw tearstains on it, I sucked in a sharp breath.
I fucked up. I should have been here.
Mom’s and my conversation was needed, and I hated that I hadn’t figured out my own emotions. I’d spent so long running from them that I didn’t know how to process them. I wanted to be better for Grace.
And she’d woken up alone.
Checking the time, I knew the Treasure Trove would be open, so the town square was my next stop.
I tried to plan out what to say to her, but my mind was spinning like a top.
I had no idea how to convey that I’d only meant to be gone for a few hours, and I needed to think and didn’t want to bother her.
I’d settled on some version of that when I pulled into the Treasure Trove.
Then I saw the closed sign when I tried to open the door.
My heart nearly stopped.
This was my best guess for where she could be. If she wasn’t at home or here, I had no other options on where she would go if she were upset. And not knowing where she was or if she was all right sent ice into my heart.
I had to get my phone to a charger and wait until it turned back on before I could message her, but would she even respond?
“So, what did ya do?” I jumped when I heard a voice. Next to me, Hugh was glaring.
“Nothing,” I muttered. The last thing I needed was for Hugh and the town to know what I’d done.
“She ain’t here and you look guilty. You did something.” He crossed his arms. “And you were together a day? That must be a new record.”
I didn’t have the patience for this today. All of my regret was quickly turning into anger. Could he not see that I had bigger things to do? “Yeah, okay. I messed up. I’m sure everyone was waiting for it.”
“We didn’t wait long at all.”
I gritted my teeth and pinched the bridge of my nose, wondering how I’d managed to make things go as wrong as they possibly could’ve.
“So, it was him?” another voice asked, and I cursed.
Now it was worse.
Mark had walked up to Hugh. His eyes narrowed at me like I was a stain on his shirt.
“Yep,” Hugh said. “It was him.”
“Damn. It takes talent to mess things up that fast. What did you do?”
“That’s what I wanna know,” Hugh muttered.
“Cheating?”
“I was thinking he couldn’t get it up.”
I wanted to keep it together. There was something comforting about being the one that they barely liked. I didn’t want them to see the reasons for how I was.
But I was also so fucking tired of being seen as something I wasn’t.
“If you guys have to know, and I’m sure you do, I’m an idiot who didn’t process all his shit before asking out his dream woman, and I realized my dad’s death is half of the reason I didn’t date because I’m terrified of losing someone I love again.
She woke up alone and is thinking God knows what, and I need to explain myself. There, you happy?”
Both men’s jaws were on the sidewalk. My chest was heaving and I tried to shake it off, but I hated talking about this. I hated telling anyone anything.
But that was how I got here, wasn’t it?
“So, it was daddy issues!” someone exclaimed. I knew that fucking voice.
I turned to see her smiling so wide I would have thought she’d won the lottery.
“Of course you heard that, Kerry.”
“He said daddy issues were only half, Kerry,” Mark said as he crossed his arms.
Was I cursed? Had I stepped on a butterfly as a child to get here?
“Yeah, woohoo, let’s all celebrate my daddy issues. Or how about we be normal?”
Kerry laughed. “We’re never normal. That’s the best part of us!”
I wanted to strangle something. Maybe someone. “Great.”
“But to be fair, I’m sorry your dad died. That should have been the first thing I said, but it’s unfortunately the second.”
“Was it cancer?” Mark asked.
“My money’s on drunk drivers.” Hugh scowled. “They drive as bad as I do sober. There can only be one of us on the road at a time.”
These fucking people. “He was a firefighter. He died in an electrical fire when he went back in to check for more people.”
For once, they were all silent.
“Oh, so that’s why—” Kerry covered her mouth. All joy was gone from her voice. “When was it?”
“I was ten.”
“Jesus,” Mark muttered.
“So, you all know my life story and soon everyone will. Great. Can I go now, or do you have more questions?”
“I always have questions,” Kerry said. “Where are you going?”
“Back to Grace’s. I’ll wait for her there.” I was turning to go to my truck, but she stopped me.
“Big mistake. Do you know why I’m so weird about gossip?”
“Because you’re bored.”
“No,” she immediately said, but then paused. “Well, yes, but I also hate not knowing things.”
“And you yap a lot,” Hugh said, rolling his eyes. “Don’t you ever get tired of hearing your own voice?”
Kerry glared. “Shut it. I’m trying to have a moment here and you’re ruining it!”
He chuckled. “Good.”
She shook her head and turned back to me. “I like to know things so I know how to help someone when they need it. Like knowing where Grace is.”
Now I was listening. “You know where she is?”
“Dear God,” Mark said. “Do you have trackers on us all?”
“No, better. I have a brain.”
“That’s news to me,” Hugh said.
“Dang it! Let me have my moment,” she hissed before focusing back on me. “Anyway, Jade’s shop is closed too. And there aren’t any banging sounds, so Wren isn’t working, which means Grace contacted them for one of their girl meetings, which I wanna be invited to, by the way.”
I knew that would never happen, but Kerry was being nice for once, so I kept my mouth shut. “So they’re all together. Somewhere.”
She put one finger up. “For real girl time, no one can overhear. So, it wouldn’t be anywhere on the square. If you went to Grace’s house first—”
“Which I did.”
“Then they’re at Mollie’s.”
All of us were silent as we stared at Kerry.
Hugh broke first. “She does have a brain.”
“Told you, old man.”
“Guys, focus,” I urged. “What’s Mollie’s address?”
“Are you about to run in for a good grovel?” Kerry asked. “Oh, if only I could be there!”
“Kerry,” I said. “Please.”
She sighed, but gave me the address. I didn’t even say goodbye. I tore off to my truck to find Grace.
“Hey! In this town we say bye to each other!” Kerry yelled at my retreating form.
“Speak for yourself. I only say bye to people I respect, and it ain’t none of you!” Hugh said back.
I wished I could’ve noticed anything about Mollie’s farm, but all I could do was find the house and hope I’d found Grace.
There were many cars in the driveway, but when I saw hers, the relief that hit me was almost too much to take.
Running to the door, I banged on it. I could hear voices in the field that I couldn’t care less about.
“Jade, if you got bit by a cow—” The door opened and I saw the very woman I’d been worried about. Her eyes met mine and she paused. “Dean?”
“I’m so fucking sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to be gone so long, and I should’ve explained everything in my note better, but I was . . . I wasn’t in my right mind when I left. That’s not an excuse, though. I shouldn’t have worried you and—”
She put a finger to my lips. “I think you need to breathe.”
I sucked in air at her order. “I warned you I would fuck this up.”
“We’re human, Dean. I fear this is part of it all.” Her eyes flicked behind me. “We could go inside, though. Where no one will hear us.”
“Why would you do that?” Jade asked. It was followed by a loud moo. “My new cow familiar is here to take notes!”
“I’ll give you the rundown later. Ask Mollie if it’s okay to borrow her house.”
“It’s good!” a voice I didn’t recognize called.
“Are you all here?” Grace asked.
“No!” three voices responded.
She sighed and grabbed my hand.
I felt like I was watching all of it through a screen. Nothing felt real. Why wasn’t she angrier? She seemed . . . okay?
We walked into a small living room. This house had a similar charm to Grace’s.
“There. Now we can talk. I have a feeling whatever happened shouldn’t be overheard by my friends, even if they’re well-meaning.”
“Everyone’s gonna know anyway.” I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it.”
“They don’t tell the Facebook group anything.”
“Not them. I was . . . in town earlier. I ran into Kerry.”
“Oh no.” She bit her lip. “I should have left a note too. Or texted. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
“I know you hate running into people in the town. Especially when they’re hunting for a story.”
“Running into them wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t the end of the world. Kerry helped in the end. She deduced where you were.”
“Not the end of the world?” she repeated. “Who are you?”
I shook my head. “I’m figuring that out. But you should know I don’t wanna be the kind of guy who lets you wake up alone. I owe you an explanation.”
I gestured for her to sit and I did the same. It gave me just a second to think about what to say. This wouldn’t be elegant or perfect, but I needed to say it.
“You remember that my dad died?”
“Wow, we’re going right into it?”
I only shrugged. “Why delay?”
“That’s fair, and I do remember that. I’d never forget.”
Talking about this wasn’t comfortable. For so long, I’d avoided things like this.
“I was young when he died, and I didn’t realize how much I treated it like a fact, not something that changed me.
I thought all of my issues with attachment came from that girl in high school, but even then, I was still scared.
I just didn’t know why. And yesterday, I felt the same way.
” She opened her mouth to say something, but I shook my head. “It was nothing you did, don’t worry.”
“You know me so well.”
“I do. And I want to know you more. I don’t have a lot of memories of my dad, but I do remember how he always seemed to know what Mom was thinking. She both loved and hated it.”
“That sounds amazing.”
“And it was. And then it ended.” I looked down and forced myself to continue. “I’ve never seen Mom like that. She was broken. She begged for it to be a dream and—” My voice cracked and Grace’s hand landed on my shoulder.
“It wasn’t one.”
“Mom and Dad were the pinnacle of love to me. But not how they felt during it.”
“It was the end you remembered.” Her voice was soft.
“I’ve tried not to think of that night ever since it happened, but when I finally faced what I thought was my fear and asked you out, it reared its ugly head.
” My heart hammered and I couldn’t look at her, but I spoke anyway.
“I had a nightmare about that night. But instead of burying Dad, I buried you.”
She gasped.
“I did need space, but not because of anything you did. I should have said more, but I wasn’t thinking straight.”
Grace was quiet. I finally snuck a glance at her and her brow was pinched. “Where did you go?”
“I went home. Or what used to be home. Mom was awake and we talked for a while. I needed that, and now it’s my goal to work through that fear.”
I thought that Grace would be relieved. Everything was okay now and we could move on, but instead, her teeth sank into her lip. “I—that’s incredible.” Her quiet voice startled me. “I just wish I knew this was happening.”
“You were tired and you needed sleep. I didn’t wanna wake you up for this.”
“But I wanted you to. I may not have known exactly what to say, but I could have gone with you to your mom’s.”
“Grace, it’s too much to carry even for me. I can’t put that on you.”
“But you can take on my issues?” she asked.
I felt like I’d been sucker punched. “That’s different.”
“Not for me. My version of love isn’t one person taking on everything.
I’ve done that before and it’s not what I want.
I want you to be here for me, but I also want to do the same for you.
Life is messy and heavy, and I don’t wanna go through that alone anymore.
You’re the first person I’m me with, even if it’s not perfect. Please let me see the same thing.”
“But I—it’s not . . .” I paused, not knowing what to say. I wasn’t sure why I wanted to hide the hard parts of my life from her, but I could remember when she tried to do the same to me.
“You said we were a team,” she reminded. “Doesn’t that apply here too?”
I nodded. “You’re right. I know you are. It’s just a habit to do it.”
“It was a habit to hide everything from everyone, but it makes sense that the fears are the hardest thing to let go of.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I hate that I fucked up on day one.”
“Don’t,” she said softly. “We’re just trying to get this right. I’ve messed up and you’ve forgiven me. And I’ll do the same for you.”
“I never want to hurt you.”
Her smile was kind. “You can’t always be perfect. No matter how hard you try. Trust me, I know.”
“You handled this really well,” I said. “Seriously, you’re incredible.”
“Don’t give me too much credit. The girls smacked some sense into me, and I needed it.” She reached out and poked my shoulder. “Next time, I want it to be you, though.”
“Trust me, Mama, it will be.”