Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
Emmet
I understand where Adam is coming from, but I can’t help but fear for the worst.
He left me once because I was a man, because he wasn’t comfortable enough to come out, and because he had this idea in his head that happiness comes from a “traditional” family.
I never understood that, but there was nothing I could do about it.
I begged and pleaded for him to stay with me, but he wouldn’t—he didn’t.
He made up his mind and went with what he needed to do.
All I can do, like he said, is trust him.
But that’s really hard when I did that once and he broke my heart.
His kids are young, and I get they won’t understand a lot of things.
I can understand how introducing your kids, at any age, to someone you’re dating is scary.
Especially when they’ve never seen you date someone before and especially when that person is of the same sex.
Really, I get it, and my frustration has nothing to do with him on a parental level, it’s really just my fear of being rejected again.
It shouldn’t matter who he’s dating. He should just tell them he’s happy and that you’re allowed to love whoever you want. He shouldn’t make a big deal about me being a man, just that I’m someone he cares about.
I get that I don’t have kids, and maybe that’s the issue here. Maybe I should just let it go, and let Adam do what he needs to do. They are his kids, and I hardly know them.
I have no say in any of this, and that’s scary to me.
It’s terrifying, actually, especially because they have another parent too.
One who may not approve of this and could give Adam a really hard time about it, especially since they have nothing in writing.
It’s unfair, but this is the world we live in.
And in the end, maybe I’m setting myself up for failure here. I see what’s right in front of me, I see what’s happening, and I’m choosing to go along with it. I’m choosing him and hoping he’ll choose me back this time.
It all has me in a bad mood, and so when the movie is finished, I tell Adam I have to get to the bar, which he knows is an excuse.
I’d just told him I can do what I want since I own it, but now I suddenly have to leave.
I still do it though because he won’t call me out.
There’s a ton of things that need to be done, and maybe after the conversation we just had, some space will help.
I can lose myself in work for a while, clear my head, and we can talk about this again another time.
As I walk back to the bar, I take my time. Not that there’s a way to “take time” walking in a straight line. When I get to the bar, I don’t rush inside. I rest against the building and watch cars drive by.
The bar is already open, so everyone will be inside, ready to pounce on me when I get inside—verbally, not physically.
It’s not that I don’t like them, they’re just a lot.
But that’s a bar for you. It’s part of the job.
We had our fair share of regulars at Durant’s too, but they were mopey guys who worked hard and needed a break.
They didn’t come into the bar and try to find out everything about my sex life.
They had no interest in me at all, other than what specials I was serving.
The door opens, and someone steps out—someone I don’t know. I smile at them and catch the door before it closes to head inside. I can only put this off for so long. There’s work to be done, and there’s no one else to do it. I’ve dodged them plenty of times before, I can do it now.
I manage to get inside without being seen by anyone other than Pete, so I hide away in the office. I’m deep in work on my computer when my phone dings, and I check the screen.
Adam
We aren’t fighting, are we?
I sigh, close my eyes and lean back in my chair. I hate thinking that he’s upset.
No, we’re not fighting.
Adam
Are you mad at me?
I’m not mad.
I feel like I should say more. I want to say more, but I don’t know what it is.
Adam
Can I please come by so we can talk?
You don’t have to. I get it.
Adam
I’d feel better if I did. Please, I want to explain.
I sigh, staring at the text. It’s not that I don’t want to see him or be with him, but I thought space after our argument would be good.
I’m in my head now, and I don’t like him seeing me like this.
I don’t want him thinking that he did anything wrong when he didn’t.
This is a me thing and I need to figure it out.
But I also hate that he’s upset…
You can always come by here, Adam. You don’t have to ask.
My laptop screen goes to sleep because even though I’m trying to work, I find myself staring and anticipating Adam showing up.
I wake it up, then keep staring at the spreadsheet as if it’s going to give me incentive to finish this work.
If I’m being honest, I wouldn’t have been able to focus anyway.
I’m finally with Adam, but now I have a whole different pile of worries.
When I came here, I had the perfect plan.
Fix up the bar. Find Adam. Live happily ever after.
It was so simple, so clear.
I’ve since realized this is the real world and things don’t work like that. As if I didn’t know that before…
I did. I knew better. Yet I didn’t allow myself to see all the obstacles in my way.
There’s a knock on the door. I look up.
“Come in!” The door slowly opens, and in walks Adam.
I’d told Pete the other day that when he shows up, he can come back here to see me by himself whenever he wants. I trust Adam, and he doesn’t need a chaperone to walk from the door to the office. What would he even steal? A fork?
Adam steps inside, closing the door behind him, and just stands there.
I stare at him, noting how sad he looks.
It breaks my heart because I don’t want him to be upset, but I’m upset too.
It’s in my nature to push my feelings aside to take care of his, but I’m afraid that’ll put me right back where I was—heartbroken and empty.
“I’m sorry,” he says, still not moving.
I get to my feet and walk to him, stopping a foot in front of him.
“Adam—”
“Please, Emmet—”
He closes the distance between us, grasping my shirt.
His eyes fill with tears, and yeah, I’m upset but not like this—not like he is.
I’m not saying he’s overreacting, but I feel like something more is going on if he’s this upset over a little misunderstanding.
Or a disagreement, I guess, because I don’t think it was a misunderstanding.
Before I can say anything about what I’m thinking, he continues. “I know we just started this, but ever since California, I’ve realized that I miss this. I miss us. I miss you. I was an idiot for leaving you all those years ago and—”
“Adam—”
“Let me finish, Emmet. Please.” He grips my shirt tighter, his eyes pleading.
“I was an idiot for leaving. I did it for all the wrong reasons, and I will never forgive myself for it, but I get that I can’t change the past. And I fully understand that if I didn’t do it, I wouldn’t have my kids, and I could never regret them or anything to do with them. ”
“I would never ask you to.”
“But I want this, us. I want you. I have no idea what I’m doing, and it’s going to be really difficult, and I’m probably going to mess up a lot, but please be patient with me.
Please, I just—” His eyes fall closed, and he lets out a shaky breath before his blue eyes find mine again.
“I still love you, too. I always have, I think. I just hid it away because I’m scared of this, of what it all is and what it all means.
It’s a lot. What we have? It’s so big and special, and I’m terrified of it because I don’t know how to have that.
But I want it. I want it so fucking bad. ”
He’s going to keep going, and I get he needs to speak, but I can’t bear listening to him be so upset. So I kiss him to shut him up.
He gasps against my mouth, and I push him against the door, his body landing with a soft thud.
I slip my tongue into his mouth, and he opens for me, kissing me back. It’s slow and passionate, and he tastes so good. I cup his face, deepening the kiss, and he moans softly. He reaches for the waistband of my pants, flicking the button open. I grab his wrists, resting my forehead against his.
“That isn’t necessary,” I tell him quietly.
I know what he’s doing. Adam is good with his body, and he’s good with mine—always has been.
We never had an issue with communicating, but sex came so naturally.
He feels there’s a wedge between us, and he is going to drive it out with sex.
He’s always done that, and over the years, I’ve realized how much we shouldn’t have been doing it.
“I want to,” he whispers, leaning in to kiss my neck. His hands find my hips, and he guides me backward, around my desk, gesturing for me to sit in my chair.
I hold his gaze for a long moment, knowing we shouldn’t do this. It isn’t necessary. But when he licks his lips, I can’t help myself. I drop into the chair.
“Fuck,” I breathe out as he gets to his knees in front of me. “I’ll never be able to forget this while I’m in here.”
He smiles up at me. “That’s the point.”
Unzipping my pants, he pulls them down, then bends to drag his nose along my shaft. I’m already hard, which is no surprise when he’s involved. He mouths my dick, sucking through the fabric. I can’t help but groan, my eyes flicking to the door. It isn’t locked.
Pete never just walks in, but he could. This is so unprofessional, but so fucking hot at the same time, and I don’t want Adam to stop.
“You don’t have to do this,” I tell him again, making sure he knows and understands that this isn’t what I want from him. Or at least, it’s not what I need. I always want him and my dick together in some capacity, but not as an apology. His words are enough.
“I know I don’t have to,” he says, his lips still pressed against my erection. “But I really, really want to.” His voice is low and sultry, making my dick throb.
I watch as his fingers slip beneath the waistband of my briefs and he tugs them down too. He moans when my dick is free, and he doesn’t hesitate to take me into his mouth, right to the back of his throat. He gags around me, and fuck, that feels so good.
“Fuck, Adam…” I slide my fingers through his hair, holding on while he bobs on my dick.
The thought of getting caught has me so hot, and I’m not going to last long.
He’s enthusiastic, moaning and sucking hard, using his hand to jerk off the part that won’t fit in his mouth.
“Adam, you’re going to make me—” I can’t even finish the sentence, the orgasm hits me so hard and fast. He swallows around me, taking all my cum, then he’s looking up at me with a smug smile.
He gets to his feet and kisses me before putting my dick away.
I’m still in a daze when he sits on top of my desk, facing me.
I catch my breath and slide the chair closer, settling between his legs and putting my hands on his thighs.
“I hope you didn’t do that as an apology,” I say, the guilt setting in.
He shakes his head. “It wasn’t an apology.”
“Because that’s not what I need from you. Now or ever.”
He nods carefully. “What do you need from me?”
“Honesty. In all aspects.”
“I won’t lie to you about anything, Emmet.”
“It’s not just that.” I shake my head. “It’s telling me what’s going on in your head. It’s letting me in and being open with me.”
He grabs my hands, linking his fingers with mine and resting them on his lap. “I can do that.”
“Are you sure?” I ask. “Because I need you to be sure.”
“I am sure. So sure. But you need to understand that this is a lot for me. I’ve never been open about who I am.
In here—” he gestures around to the bar, “—is one thing. It’s accepted.
But out there?” He drops his head, and takes a few breaths.
“I don’t know why it bothers me, and I wish it didn’t, but I promise you it’s what I want.
I don’t want to hide this, and I definitely don’t want to hide you.
I just need time to figure out how to do this, that’s all I’m saying. ”
I take a moment to let his words sink in. I understand what he’s saying, and it would be unfair of me to push him to come out when he isn’t ready. So, I focus on something else he said instead.
“You don’t want to hide me?” He shakes his head with a smirk. “Why not?”
“Because you’re hot as fuck and I don’t need people trying to take what’s mine.”
My eyes widen, my dick getting hard all over again. I glance between his legs and see he isn’t hard. I could change that, I’m sure of it, but I’ll make it up to him later.
I get to my feet, grab his chin and kiss him. “Let me get some work done, and we can talk about this later.”
He hums, leaning in for another kiss. “I’d like that.”
“You going to hang around?”
He tilts his head. “Sounds like karaoke night. I think I will.”
He hops off the desk and before he can move away from me, my arm is around his waist, pulling him against me as I remember another thing he said.
“Do you really still love me?” I ask.
He looks me dead in the eye. I’ve never seen him so serious in all my life, so I know what is going to come out of his mouth will be the truth.
“More than even I can fathom.”
The breath catches in my lungs, and all I can do is stare at him in awe. My perfect Adam.