Chapter Forty-Six
Adam
The thought of Emmet in the room beside mine has me unable to sleep and my dick hard. Or maybe I can’t sleep because my dick is hard… either way, I’m frustrated by the entire thing.
Not just my dick, but all of this. Him. Me. Us. Why the fuck I can’t just get over myself and be with him the way I want. Because I do want that. I want it so fucking bad, that it’s starting to make me crazy.
I grab my dick, squeezing in annoyance and hoping the pain will make it deflate, but all it does is make me want it more. All it does is make me think of his tight hole and how good my cock fits in there.
“Fuck,” I mutter, banging my head against the headboard.
The TV is on, the volume low, and I’m not paying attention to it. Just staring at the walls, willing myself to sleep with no success. I’d hoped a movie would get me to take my mind off Emmet, but no such luck.
There’s a knock on the wall behind me, and I turn my head to look up. It sounded accidental, like maybe he got into the bed too hard or turned and hit his hand? Is he still awake?
It sounds again, just a quick knock.
I let go of my dick and turn onto my knees, shuffling closer to the head board and putting my ear against the wall.
This hotel is nice, beautiful and clean, but the walls are thin. I learned that when I was in the bathroom earlier and heard the woman on the other side of me singing Pink Pony Club while she showered. There’s another bang, this one softer, and I swear I hear a moan too.
My mouth goes dry as I reach for my dick again.
It throbs in my hand, and my eyes fall closed.
I imagine Emmet on the other side, lying in bed, in nothing but a pair of skin tight boxer briefs, his cock pulled out and his hand stroking it.
His tip is glistening from precum, and I so badly want to taste it.
“Fuck,” I mutter, resting my forehead against the cool wall. I move my hand up and down, unable to stop myself now. Not with thoughts of Emmet doing the same thing just a few feet from me.
I could go over there and help him, but what if this is all in my head?
It’s best I stay here and take care of this myself.
I haven’t gotten off in a while, so it’s probably just my body needing a release.
That’s all. And it’s too late to stop now.
The image of him is burned into my brain, and it feels too good to stop.
I moan, not holding back, and I hear nothing on the other side, until there’s a shuffling sound, then something sliding against the wall.
I’m certain he’s awake now. That, or there’s an animal in the wall, but I’m choosing not to think of that. I’d rather imagine Emmet there, jerking off and thinking of me.
“Fuck,” I mutter, moving my hand faster.
I could really use lube or Emmet’s hot mouth, but I’m too far gone.
I’m so fucking close, and I don’t have the will to stop.
It’s been so long since I’ve had the urge to do this, and I forgot how damn good it feels.
My free hand slides up the wall, pressing my palm flat as I work over my dick and think of Emmet.
I see him perfectly in my mind, and the thought of him coming sends me right over the edge.
My dick erupts, cum spilling into my hand and dripping onto the pillow I was just lying on.
“Jesus.” I breathe out, shaking my head and trying to ignore the shame and guilt that flares up now that I’m done.
I wipe my hand on my boxers, get to my feet and pull them off.
I shove them into the bag of dirty laundry before going into the bathroom and getting a towel to clean up better and wipe off the glob of cum that made it to my pillow.
I’ve obviously lost my mind. I just jerked off to the building settling, hoping it was Emmet doing the same thing. It’s nearly three in the morning, there’s no way he was on the other side doing the same damn thing as I was.
“You’re an idiot, Adam. A fucking idiot.”
I grab a pair of pajama pants to put on before tossing the dirty towel into the corner of the bathroom. I shut the TV off and get into bed, finally able to fall asleep.
A knock on my door wakes me, and I get out of bed and rub my burning eyes as I walk to it. Peering through the peephole, I find Emmet on the other side, in his pajamas. I pull open the door.
“Hey,” I say.
“Sorry, were you still sleeping?”
“Yeah, it’s okay.”
“I texted but you didn’t answer. Wanted to make sure you were good.”
“I’m good.” I clear my throat. “Everything okay?”
“Uh, yeah. It’s raining out, and I wanted to get breakfast but… it’s raining.” He huffs a laugh, scratching the back of his neck. He looks so fucking hot right now.
I move aside. “Come in.” He nods as he steps through, and I go back to my bed and lie down. “Come on.” I pat the bed, and he doesn’t hesitate to get in, crawling under the blankets with me. I turn on my side to face him and close my eyes. “I slept like shit last night.”
“Me too.”
“Let’s just go back to sleep.”
I slide my arm over his waist and scoot closer, breathing in his scent. I drift in and out of sleep, lying there with him, his scent soothing, his body heat calming. Just knowing he’s here with me is enough to have every worry leaving my body, and I finally relax.
When I wake sometime later, I find him awake and staring at the ceiling. I jerk back.
“Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
He looks at me, not enough emotion on his face for me to know what he’s thinking. Which tells me all I need to know.
He’s upset.
“I’m sorry, Emmet,” I say again. “I slept like shit and I wasn’t thinking right.”
He blinks a few times, then turns his attention back to the ceiling before taking a deep breath and letting it out.
“It’s okay,” he finally says.
I roll onto my back and throw my arm over my face.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat, though I know it means nothing.
He doesn’t respond. Emotion clogs my throat and my eyes burn.
I’m fucking everything up. I’ve fucked this all up. I’ve hurt him and I don’t know why. And I keep doing it. I’m only hurting him more now, and why? For my own selfish reasons. I can’t keep playing with him like this. It’s fucked up.
“I don’t know why I’m doing this,” I admit.
The room is silent, nothing but the wind and the rain from outside. The heavy waves crashing into the surf.
“I do,” he finally says.
My arm falls from my face, and I turn my head to look at him.
His brow is pinched, still looking up at the ceiling as if he can’t bare to look at me.
I can’t blame him. I don’t deserve for him to be here.
Honestly, I don’t know why he’s here at all.
I don’t know why he’s still being nice to me.
I don’t know why he invited me here. I don’t deserve anything from him.
“Have you ever thought that your worries have nothing to do with me being a man and everything to do with you losing someone again?”
“What?” falls from my lips before I can even think about it.
He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes as he lets it out.
“Your parents. Me. Leslie,” he says slowly. “Maybe me again.”
A heavy weight settles on my chest and I can’t breathe.
I can’t fucking breathe.
“It’s okay to be afraid, Adam, but it’s not okay to hurt people because of it.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Emmet.”
He nods. “I know that, Adam.” He turns to face me. “But that hasn’t stopped you from doing it. Over and over again. I’m sorry I came here, and I’m sorry I invited you.”
He gets out of bed and moves toward the door. I should get up and go after him, I don’t want him to leave, but I can’t move. My body has turned into a cement block and I’m stuck here in bed.
When the door is just about closed, I shoot out of bed and race after him, yanking my door open to find him standing in front of his with his key in his hand. He looks at me with surprise, but the sadness in his eyes is unmistakable.
“No,” I say, walking toward him.
My door closes loudly, and I don’t have my key, so that’ll be an issue in a few minutes.
“Don’t apologize to me, Emmet. You have nothing to be sorry for.
This is all me, and I am sorry. So fucking sorry.
” I move closer. “And you’re right. It took all of three seconds for your words to hit me.
I’ve been thinking about us nonstop for months, unable to figure out what my problem was.
I know that I want to be with you, but something is stopping me, and I couldn’t figure it out, and I couldn’t push past it.
But you’re right.” I nod, moving even closer, my fingers twitching to touch his face.
“I am terrified of losing you again because I know I don’t deserve you and I know I’m going to fuck things up along the way. ”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true.” I laugh. “It’s so fucking true. What I did to you then, the way I’m treating you now. You don’t deserve it, Emmet. Why the fuck did you come back? Why do you still want me?”
He frowns, eyes turning a little red. “Because I love you.”
“That’s not enough.”
He scowls. “It’s enough for me. It’s always been enough for me, Adam.”
“Emmet—fuck.” A tear slips down my cheek and I swipe it away, angry that I’m not able to get a hang on my emotions. “I don’t know how to not be scared. I’ve lost everyone—”
“I’m right here,” he says firmly. “Right in front of you.”
“But—”
“No buts. No fucking buts. I am right fucking here,” he says, closing the rest of the space between us. “I have been here this whole time.” His hand finds mine and I look down at them, linked together. My gaze goes back to him. “And I’m not going anywhere.”