Chapter 19
Mia
T he next day, I sit on a rock, my gaze on the waterfall. It makes the act of falling seem beautiful. It’s as if the water knows how to fall gracefully, without fear. We can pretend the kiss never happened and try to be friends or we can have an amazing summer together, no strings attached. His words replay in my mind.
But how can I pretend the kiss never happened when I couldn’t stop thinking about it all night, and this morning? Is it possible to accept his proposition without risking my heart, without falling in love with him?
No catching feelings.
Shaking my head, I open my laptop, trying to focus on my writing. I stare at the blank page, the blinking cursor. I’ve completed the outline for my book, yet I’m stuck on how to begin. The sound of water hitting the rocks is soothing, but it somehow reminds me of the relentless pull I feel toward him. The way it makes every part of me roar to life.
I close my laptop and put it inside my bag. I need to talk this through with Rylee, but of course, there’s no signal here. With a deep breath, I grab my bag and head back to the cabin.
Once I’m there, I notice Jake’s car is not outside. A small relief washes over me. I’m not ready to face him yet. I head straight to my room and collapse on the bed; the mattress sighing under my weight. My fingers fumble for my phone, and I dial Rylee’s number. She picks up on the second ring.
Before I have time to say hello, she blurts out, “I slept with him.” Her words come out in a rush.
I sit down, giving her my full attention. “You slept with who?” I say, my grip tightening on the phone.
She’s practically breathless, as if she’s been pacing the room. “My boss.” She sounds like she’s about to cry. “It just happened. We were working late, and one thing led to another.”
“Oh my God.” Now I’m pacing too, her confession stirring a storm of thoughts in my head. I haven’t even told her about Jake yet, but this doesn’t seem like the right time to share.
“Was it bad? Do you regret it?” I ask her, needing to understand where she stands emotionally.
“No, it was amazing, the best sex I ever had, but I’m scared it might mess things up at work.”
I pause mid step, and a sigh escapes me. “Have you talked to him since?” I ask, glancing at the window, seeking the calm it offers.
“No,” she exhales, her stress tangible even through the phone.
“Okay, just take a breath and talk to him. See where he stands,” I suggest, trying to offer some stability.
“He’s calling me now. I gotta go, talk to you later, bye.”
“Okay, keep me updated,” I rush out before the line goes dead.
I open my bag from the bed and go through my mom’s letters. I have a feeling she has a letter for a moment like this when I wish she was here to tell me what to do. I found one labeled: Boy Trouble. She really thought of everything. Holding the letter, I step out onto the patio to watch the sunset. My body stretches as I breathe in the fresh air. I take in the sight of the golden rays that illuminate the trees as the sun disappears behind the mountains. Sitting down on a chair, I open the letter.
Coucou ma Cherie,
If you’re reading this letter, you probably wanted to talk to me about some boy trouble. Je suis vraiment desolée, I’m not here.
I know you’re a big romantic and you adore love, and I love that about you.
But don’t be afraid to have fun, experience new things, and figure out what you want. You might get your heart broken, but not every fall is going to hurt. Some falls will lead to the most amazing feelings you can imagine. Being in love with someone and for that person to love you just as much. Caring for them and being cared for. To love them, especially when it’s hard. Continue loving them when you’re upset. To want to fall in love with them every day.
You deserve someone who loves you fiercely and unconditionally. Never settle for less, Mon amour.
But until then, it’s okay to have fun. For love, there is no need to rush . It will come to you when the time is right.
Be a waterfall, baby girl. Embrace the fall.
And always trust your heart.
Finishing the letter, I take a deep breath and sigh, forcing myself not to cry. My mom is right. I’ve never been the girl to take risks or is bold enough to go up to a guy at a bar. I’m not the girl who sleeps around with random guys. I’ve always thought maybe I’m demi-sexual, but with Jake, it’s different. I want this. Fantasized about it at night when I’m using my toys, wishing it was him instead. This is new to me, before when I’m practicing self care, I listened to the sound, never an image. But now he’s all I can think of.
I wipe away the few drops of tears that managed to escape before heading to the bathroom for a shower.
I strip off my clothes and step under the warm stream of water. Grabbing my razor and shaving cream, I settle onto the built-in seat to shave my legs and other areas, making sure everything is smooth and free of hair. Afterwards, I scrub myself with my favorite scrub and body wash duo.
I rinse off, and then step out of the shower, grabbing a towel to dry myself off. Standing in front of the full body mirror, the towel falls to the floor, admiring my naked body. I take my jasmine-scented lotion and apply it slowly, covering every inch of my skin. My nipples harden under my touch. I don’t have a perfect slim body, but I love every inch and every curve.
It’s been almost five years since I’ve been with anyone, adhering to my rule of no sex without an emotional connection. I’ve never even thought about it, but right now the thought of an orgasm from him other than my toys is enticing.
I sip some wine from the bottle I keep in my room, seeking a bit of liquid courage as warmth spreads through my body. I slip on an oversized T-shirt, the fabric soft against my skin, and skip the underwear. Definitely not gonna need it, and it’s a little bold and thrilling. Which is what I’m going for.
I brush my teeth with my favorite cotton candy-flavored paste, giving myself a pep talk in the mirror. A quick fix to my hair with some mousse keeps my curls in check, and I tidy my eyebrows.
Okay girl, let’s do this, no more overthinking this.
I want this, and more than anything, I want him.