Chapter 14
Chapter fourteen
Miles
Something was off with Atlas. They were playing the part, saying everything right, smiling warmly and being their sunshiny self. But their smiles didn’t quite reach their eyes, and my gut was twisting tighter with every passing minute.
But as we pulled into the parking lot of the high school and I surveyed the throngs of people parking in every available spot and descending on the high school like a pack of hungry hyenas, I knew now wasn’t the time to bring anything up.
I’d have to keep an eye on them, make sure they were okay as we attended all the activities. Then we could talk tonight.
We’d arrived after registration and check-in was half over, which was probably why the lines were long and people were spilling out into the hallway outside the “small gym.” I knew from the formal invitation I’d received in the mail several months back and the follow-up email I’d received a month ago that Cocktails and Canapés was starting in thirty minutes.
I hoped there would be enough food to eat.
I was starting to get hungry—lunch was hours ago.
Atlas and I got in the shortest registration queue and waited for the line to inch forward.
Once we made it into the gym, my neck craned as I scanned the crowd searching for Brad, the only person I knew for sure would be here at some point.
I was certain most of the locals from our graduating class would attend, but I wasn’t friends with any of them.
Even Theo wouldn’t be here for most of the reunion because we hadn’t graduated together, though he had mentioned he was helping out with registration and he’d be refereeing the alumni basketball game tomorrow.
Sigh. Claudia was right. I was such a loner.
But I’d never really cared to make friends.
Most of the time, and until recently, I’d liked being by myself.
I didn’t have many responsibilities outside of my job, save my yard and landscaping which I paid Jeb’s company to do because I didn’t want to work at home after I’d worked all day, so I spent my time at home watching movies and TV shows I liked, reading novels—gay romance, of course, though I would not be divulging my favorite genre to just anyone, thank you very much—and cooking for myself, which I didn’t derive joy from as much as a sense of satisfaction for a job well done.
Huh. Kind of boy-like, if you asked me.
I was alone by choice, but Atlas—they had changed everything. Now, I wanted to spend every waking minute with them. I wanted to be by their side as we moved through life together.
I wanted everything with them.
I loved them.
I’d had a similar thought before, even admitted it to Lars, but this time, I felt the realization hit me square in the chest. I was in love with them, with their joyful personality that offset my gloom, with the way they looked at life, their yin to my yang.
Maybe I just needed to tell them now.
The line moved forward once more, and my hand actually twitched at my side, begging me to reach out and touch the person I loved, the other half of my soul.
The line next to us moved ahead, and I glanced over to catch the eyes of a familiar face in the line beside us. I frowned when they looked away, trying to place the man I thought I recognized—
Shit.
I knew him. Reece. The person I’d been on the swim team with junior and senior year, the one who’d bullied that kid, Holden.
As if I was back in that locker room shower, listening to Reece pick on Holden as the water pelted my chest, my heart started racing, and I froze in place. My hands started to shake, and I fisted them at my sides to try to steady them.
When that didn’t help, I crossed my arms as we stepped up to the registration table, trying to make myself small. I didn’t deserve to be with Atlas. I didn’t deserve to be out and proud. I deserved . . .
“Miles! Hey, good to see you!”
Still looking away, I internally winced at what I knew was Reece’s voice.
Outwardly, I smiled kindly at Theo, who’d told me he was on the reunion planning committee when we met up for a late dinner earlier this week, and offered a quiet “thanks” when he handed Atlas and me our name tags on lanyards and other info for the reunion.
I let Atlas finish up at the registration table, too, before we both stepped out of the way of the person behind me in line.
Realizing I’d be an asshole if I didn’t answer a perfectly normal greeting, I took a deep breath, schooled my features, then turned around. Fuck, I hadn’t seen Reece in twenty years. Maybe he’d changed?
“Hi, Reece. Welcome back to Gomillion.” He offered me his hand, so I shook it briefly then pulled back, tamping down the urge to leave and immediately wash my hands. I didn’t trust him in high school, and I wouldn’t trust him now unless he showed me he’d changed.
His eyes smiled, more kindly than I’d expected, as he turned to see Atlas at my side. “Hi. Have we met?”
I blinked at what could appear to be an easy acceptance, but I still studied his face carefully.
I felt Atlas’s eyes on me for a few infinite moments, but when I couldn’t figure out a thing to say, they spoke up, extending their hand.
“Unlikely. I doubt we ran in the same circles in high school. I’m Atlas St. James. And you are?”
Atlas’s words snapped me out of my perusal, and I fought to hide a smirk. If Reece hadn’t changed, he’d likely be perturbed someone didn’t know who he was. He’d been too popular in high school for anyone in our class to not know his name.
Still, Reece’s smile seemed genuine as he shook Atlas’s hand. “I’m Reece Fisher.” Then his eyes shot wide. “Oh! I remember you. How have you been, Atlas?”
I eyed Reece with increasing suspicion. What was his game here?
I watched, barely listening, to the two carrying on what I assumed from their general tone was a cordial conversation as memories of Reece from high school flooded in. He was so cruel to Holden that day after practice, and I doubted that was the only time it happened.
My shame flew to the surface again. I should’ve stopped him. Why didn’t I stop him?
Atlas had apparently wrapped up whatever interaction the two of them had been having because their hand landed on my elbow as they led me away from the center of the crowd.
When we’d found a relatively quiet spot along the far wall of the gym, they crossed their arms and narrowed their eyes at me.
“Okay, spill. What’s your beef with him? He seemed nice enough.”
I glared in his general direction, which meant nothing because half of our graduating class was in the same direction. “He was the one who bullied that kid, Holden, our senior year.”
Atlas gasped, the unspoken “Oh, that Reece” clear. “Hate him.”
I snickered under my breath despite my mood. “Yeah. But I don’t know, maybe he’s changed.”
Atlas actually did wipe their hand down their side. “Once homophobic, always homophobic, right?”
I tilted my head to one side. “I don’t know that that’s true . . .”
Atlas huffed. “Fine, you might be right. But I’m gonna hate him until he proves he’s reformed.”
I let my chuckle out this time. “You’re very dramatic, and I love that about you.”
There was that word again: love. And I knew I loved them. But this was not the time or place to tell them.
I glanced down at their name tag, which they’d hung on their purse. “He/they?”
Atlas shrugged. “Still feeling they/them, but he/they covers all my bases for the entire weekend. People can use whichever they want.”
God, they were amazing. They shouldn’t have to pander to ignorant people, but they chose to shine brightly through the adversity, be themself while considering others, and I loved that about them, too.
More than anything, I wanted to wrap my arm around their waist and plant a kiss on their forehead at their bravery and resilience. But the noise of the crowd around us reminded me where we were, and I refrained. It caused me almost physical pain, but I stopped myself just in time.
Atlas was eyeing me, their gaze seeing so much more than I wanted in this moment, like they could peer into my soul and see that I’d resisted touching them.
Fuck, I hoped they didn’t think I was ashamed of being seen with them.
And . . . shit. I’d not even introduced them to Reece when he’d asked who Atlas was.
I was the worst partner, the worst boy, the worst person. Atlas deserved so much better than me. I was still a coward.
Shit, I was, wasn’t I? I was a coward. That was why I never said anything when Reece bullied Holden.
That was why I wouldn’t come out. That was why I stayed in this town, never really living, merely surviving.
I’d done it under the altruistic guise of self-sacrifice for my sister, but really, I’d been too scared to take chances, try new things, make mistakes, grow, and live a full life.
Dammit.
Atlas’s brow was furrowed as they watched my face.
I wasn’t sure if my thoughts were being broadcast in my expression, but they simply nodded once then smoothed their forehead.
“Should we mingle? I think food and drinks will be served soon. Plus,” they said, their eyes sparkling, “I want to see all this amazing decor you helped build. Other than the fabulous drywall job you did at Jeb’s, I’ve not been able to really appreciate your work. ”
Why did their voice catch when they mentioned Jeb’s? I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t have time to dig into it now, anyway, so I nodded. “Yes, let’s go.”
***
The side of the small gym—Such a ridiculous name, I thought again—not set up for registration was decked out with all the glamour of a cocktail party being hosted in a high school gym.
Atlas was way out of this party’s league.
And I realized, with a sinking feeling in my stomach, that Atlas was way out of my league, too.
But I didn’t fit in this town, either. I’d not really been living here, in Gomillion, and I hadn’t even known it. And now, I couldn’t go back. Regardless of if Atlas was my forever or my just-for-now, I couldn’t keep living like I had, just surviving.
I had to really live.
And hope that Atlas wouldn’t realize they were too good for me.
I eyed them as we mingled for several long minutes—because how many times could you vaguely remember someone’s name from their name tag, ask what they did for work, and find out if they had a family before you wanted to poke a chisel through your right eye?
—and noticed once again that something was off with them.
I hadn’t had a chance to ask yet, and I doubted I would until we made it home.
We found Brad with a group of guys from the football team—including Cory, another of the nicer players on the team—and one of the former cheerleaders, Chloe, who had dated Cory in high school, if memory served.
Atlas and I lingered longer than I’d expected we would, and I couldn’t help but feel like they were delaying being alone with me. But that was ridiculous . . . right?
After we’d talked to our new and old friends at length—Atlas was proving to be quite the conversationalist—I turned to them, the air in here slowly suffocating me. “How about I grab us some drinks?” I asked Atlas, who nodded, smiling, though again, it didn’t reach their eyes.
“Thanks.”
And just like that, I had the perfect excuse to push my way through the crowd, my thoughts running as wild as my rapidly beating heart.
I wanted to come out for Atlas. Of course I did.
But with the way they were acting, would it even matter at this point?
I didn’t know what was wrong, but my brain couldn’t help but leap to the worst-case scenario.
Would they leave me with this potentially explosive secret out in the open and a broken heart?