Chapter 23 Miles #2
He nodded. “So what are you really angry about, Miles?”
I huffed a breath. “Besides the obvious—him leaving?”
Lars’s lips twitched like he wanted to smile. “Yes, besides the obvious.”
My shoulders slumped, and I stared down at my folded hands in my lap.
It took me a few moments to get my thoughts together, but once I did, it all came spilling out.
“I’m angry at him for acting like everything is fine.
I’m angry that he doesn’t seem to be in as much pain as I am.
I’m angry at him for leaving, sure, but I told him I needed time and—”
Shit. That was it, wasn’t it?
I pressed forward with new resolve. “I feel like he’s violating the boundary I set—or, at least I thought I did.
I told him I needed time to find myself, and every time he texts, I feel like I can’t move forward.
Not move on, because I don’t want to move on from him, but I need to figure out my life without my love for him hanging like a veil over everything, making things hazy and unclear.
I need him to—fuck—I need him to leave me alone for a bit so I can grieve.
” I choked back a tear as a lump formed in my throat.
“I need to figure out who I am without him.”
Lars let my whispered words echo around the room for nearly a minute before he responded. “Then maybe you need to tell him that. Resentment can’t be avoided, but now that you know that’s what you’re feeling, you can address it so it doesn’t fester and come between you.”
I bit my lip, processing again. “How do I do that?”
His eyes softened, and I could feel the kindness in them across the room. “You tell him what you need.”
“That easy, huh?”
Lars huffed another derisive laugh. “That easy and that hard. But you’ve got this, Miles.”
I let one side of my mouth turn up. “Thanks, Lars.”
“Anytime” was his answer.
After my appointment, I headed out to my car, turned on the AC because it was sweltering today, then pulled out my phone. Shit, this was gonna be horrible.
I typed out a quick text before I lost my nerve. Do you have a few minutes to talk? I couldn’t bring myself to call him Daddy with this anger, this resentment boiling inside me. And I hated that so goddamn much.
His phone call came in less than a minute later. “Hi, Miles.”
Atlas’s voice was unsteady, and my gut churned. “Hi, Atlas.” God, I hated this chasm between us. Why the fuck was this so goddamn awkward? Just a few days ago, I’d been inside this wonderful person, and I loved him with everything I was. Why did life have to be so fucking complicated?
“What’s up, baby?”
The “baby” broke through my haze, and the anger that had been bubbling up all week came spewing out without my permission. “That’s what’s up, Atlas. The ‘baby.’ The texts, the check-ins, the acting like everything’s fine. Everything’s very not fine, and I can’t pretend it is anymore.”
I could almost sense Atlas blinking at my uncharacteristic outburst. Under normal circumstances, he’d no doubt have threatened a punishment that we both would secretly enjoy. But we weren’t in that place anymore.
I might’ve hated that most of all.
“I know it’s not, b— Sorry. Habit.”
“I know.” I sighed, deflating. “That’s the problem. We’re in the habit of staying in touch, but every time I hear from you, my heart shatters again. I can’t find out who I’m supposed to be without you if you’re always right there.”
That didn’t make any goddamn sense, but he seemed to understand. I heard a sigh come over the line. “Do you want me to stop texting you? Are you saying you need n-no contact?”
At the sound of his voice breaking, I almost gave in. But if I was going to do this, I had to do it right. I had to clean out the wound and bandage it up so it could heal. Then I could go back to him without worrying about the wound opening again.
My analogies were fucked, but I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly. “I hate it, but yes, that’s what I need. I’m sorry.”
Atlas sighed again. “Don’t apologize, Miles.
I’m the one who’s sorry. I should’ve known you needed space—you all but told me you did, and I didn’t listen.
I’m not sure what kind of Daddy that makes me, but that’s my problem to figure out.
” He took a breath. “This is what you need, so of course I’ll give it to you. Anything.”
“Thank you, Atlas.” I scrubbed a hand over my face before adding, “But I don’t want this to be forever. Just for now, until I can get myself sorted out.”
I could’ve sworn Atlas was nodding. “Of course. Again, anything you need. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”
A weight lifted from my heart. It was a small part of the whole, but it helped, just a little. “This doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
Atlas scoffed. “Of course not; I know that. I love you, too, but you need to do this for you.” I heard him sniff, and it made my stomach ache. “Take care of yourself, Miles.”
I nodded though he couldn’t see it, my heart breaking yet again. It had to be a million shards clinking around in my chest by now. “Goodbye, Atlas.”
Then I hung up, slumped in my seat, and sobbed.
***
After my tears had dried and my face returned to a more normal color, I headed to Timbers this was delicious.
I didn’t recognize anyone in the crowd, but the bar was only about two-thirds full. It was still early; I supposed I could stay awhile. I needed to switch to water once I finished this to let the alcohol work its way through my system before I headed home, anyway.
After half an hour of people watching, I turned back to Mose to order a tall glass of water.
Once I had it in hand and took a sip, I glanced down the bar to where a man who appeared to be a few years older than me sat four stools away.
He looked friendly and had kind eyes, and I didn’t feel an ounce of attraction for him, so he would be a safe person to talk to without risking complicated feelings.
If I was ever going to make friends, I had to put myself out there. And what better time to do that than when both parties had a little liquid courage flowing through their veins?
Taking a fortifying breath, I pushed to my feet, walking down the bar in his direction. I motioned at the stool next to him. “This seat taken?”