34. Chapter 34
Chapter 34
I mmediately upon arriving home, I tossed my café order in the trash, having lost my appetite. I canceled all the appointments I’d taken the time to schedule for today. Surely Duluth had stylists, manicures, and spas too, if I were still inclined. In under an hour, I also booked my hotel, packed, and loaded up my car.
Once I was on the road north, I let out a long breath as I rushed to escape my life.
Belatedly, I called Jane to let her know I was visiting. Naturally, Jane sounded surprised but also pleased about the spur-of-the-moment visit. With the call on speakerphone, she insisted that I stay with her during my visit, but I decided to stick with my plan for a lakeside hotel. Not only did I love the view of the lake, but I also craved the alone time, despite having plenty of it lately; alone time at the lake was different. Besides, I didn’t want to impose on a brand new friend, even though she felt like an old friend, in many ways.
Jane eventually sighed and relented. “OK, but when I’m not at work, I’m going to be very greedy in wanting to spend a lot of time with my new friend, the awesome writer.”
I laughed nervously. “Coming from my new friend, who seems to have a penchant for exaggerating. I don’t even know what I’m doing when it comes to writing … or, for that matter, my life!”
“We’ll figure it all out this week, I promise,” Jane assured me. And then she squealed—yes, actually squealed. “Oh, I’m just so excited! Text me when you get to town. I’m sure you’ll be tired from the drive, but we can grab dinner at least.”
I agreed and hung up the phone. Just minutes later, I found my mind wandering to the scene at the café this morning, and I sighed in frustration. I did need to figure things out, but not right now. Not on an endless stretch of road. Instead, I plugged in my worn-out but still operable iPod, chose a favorite playlist, and turned up the volume. There will be no chance for thinking if I’m too busy singing , I thought, simultaneously realizing what a ridiculous sentence that was.
My heart was singing by the time the beautiful Lake Superior was within view, just over two hours later. The sun was shining on the glimmering aquamarine water, whose ice had mostly thawed by now. By the time I reached the hotel on the lake, my cheeks were beginning to feel sore from smiling.
This.
Yes, I need this.
If anything could put my world to rights, it was this city, this lake. As soon as I unlocked my hotel room, I raced over to the balcony to take in the sweeping view of the lake, the rocky shoreline in front of me and the wooded one miles off, the lighthouse signaling to a ship off in the distance, the recently rebuilt lakewalk, people of all ages and shapes and colors, even a horse-drawn carriage. For a moment I considered unpacking a bit, but then I laughed as I sank into the cushioned deck chair.
Hours later, I left my comfortable haven to meet Jane at the Duluth Grill.
“I’m so glad you’ve come for a visit, Viv!” my new friend said, bending to hug me as soon as I walked into the casual restaurant. Jane was tall, even with flats on, but today she was wearing heels and a pencil skirt. “Oh, should I call you Viv? Or what do you prefer?”
“Of course, most people call me Viv,” I answered with a smile. “It’s great to see you too. I wish we lived closer, but then I wouldn’t have an excuse to visit Duluth, which would be tragic. How are you doing?”
“Much better now that you’re here,” Jane said as we were seated in a booth.
“Things haven’t been so great then?”
“Oh, you know, dating. Blah. What a waste of a nice outfit today,” she said with a wry smile. “Still, I did get a pretty exciting work assignment this week, so there’s that.”
An hour later, after chatting extensively about Jane’s work and my new job, I bit into the last French fry and sighed. “You were right. The grilled cheese is pretty great. I rarely venture out of the harbor area when I’m here, so I hadn’t heard of this place before.”
“Enough about work though. I’m sure you didn’t come here to spend the whole evening talking about our new projects, exciting as they are.” Jane laughed, and then her expression turned a bit more serious as she leaned back. “I hope this doesn’t sound too presumptuous, but … how’s your love life? I need the next chapters in your book!”
“I’m afraid I don’t have any more for you,” I said with a heavy sigh. “I just haven’t felt inspired since the whole Gregory fiasco. Well, I mostly just don’t know where to take the story. Should I make it true to life? He’s a jerk, and then we don’t have a happy ending. No one will want to read that. I wouldn’t want to read that! Or I could write the book as though everything did work out the way I wanted it to … but I don’t know if that feels right.”
“Don’t do that,” Jane said. “How about an alternative happy ending? Just because things with Gregory didn’t work out doesn’t mean there can’t be some kind of happy ending for your character. Or for you!”
I bit my lip and hesitated. “I know, but I … I’m coming up short in that direction. I don’t know what would make me happy, so I don’t know what would make Elizabeth happy. Ugh, I’m not much of a writer if I can’t imagine a story unless it’s happening to me.”
Jane shook her head. “No, it’s not that. You’re just really connected to this character, so it makes it harder to step back and think about what other happy ending she could have.”
I nodded slowly.
“So, with that in mind, we need to figure out what will make you happy, so my favorite new Elizabeth can find her happily ever after!” Jane said, her eyes twinkling.
“I wish I knew,” I mumbled as I looked down at the empty plate in front of me. I suddenly thought of Jack, and a flash of guilt passed over me because I hadn’t told Jane about what happened with him. I hadn’t told anyone, for that matter. Surely it was irrelevant though. Jack was a great friend, which made me happy. End of story. Well, our friendship made me happy when things weren’t confusing or awkward. This phase would surely pass though.
Jane narrowed her eyes, leaning forward. “What are you not telling me?”
Feigning innocence, I glanced up. “What do you mean?”
“There’s more to this story. I mean, you don’t have to tell me … but there’s more, isn’t there?”
When I didn’t reply, Jane grinned. “There is! I knew it. OK, you don’t have to tell me … tonight. Maybe tomorrow?”
Despite the somewhat somber direction of my thoughts, I couldn’t help but laugh at my new friend’s persistence. “We’ll see.”
The next day, I made the most of my time alone, setting off on the lakewalk for a cool morning run and then strolling around the Canal Park area much of the day. Oddly, I found it easy not to think and to instead just be present. It was almost meditative, and I wasn’t the meditating type, as much as I wished to be; Duluth was just my special place.
After a lazy afternoon nap, I met Jane for drinks. Several appetizers and daiquiris later, I found myself in confession mode. Jane had run into her ex, Lisanne, in an awkward encounter at the pharmacy that demanded full explanation, so I decided cautiously to reciprocate by sharing my own awkward story, the timeless kissing-my-best-friend story.
“Oh my gosh, Viv,” Jane said, grabbing my arm. “You didn’t!”
“I did,” I admitted. “I mean, we did. Kissed. It was so weird and awkward, and then afterward—”
Jane gasped. “Oh no you don’t. You are not skipping to the ‘afterward’ part. I won’t allow it. How was the kiss?”
My face reddened as I studied the table. “I don’t know. I guess I don’t remember.”
“The hell you don’t,” Jane said. “You have to tell me. A kiss like that was either amazing or terrible. It had to be.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say that.” I felt my mouth curve into a small smile.
“Yes, you would. Which one was it? I think it was the amazing kind,” Jane said, narrowing her eyes. “Was it?”
I was almost certainly blushing more deeply now. “I guess you could say that. It was pretty good.”
“Just pretty good?”
“OK, pretty damn good.”
Jane stared at me.
“OK, amazing. But …” I grasped for words. “But it didn’t mean anything, not like you’re thinking. Like I said, it was super awkward, and it didn’t end on a great note.”
Jane nodded thoughtfully as she tossed her ponytail back behind her shoulders. “I can believe it was super awkward. So how have things been since then?”
“Not good,” I admitted glumly, trying to wave down the bartender for another drink. “Things have not been the same since.”
“Viviana,” Jane said, giving me a solemn look. “Do you want things to be the same?”
“I—well, of course. Just … I’m afraid I’m losing my best friend. We’ve been best friends forever, you know.”
Jane was quiet for a long moment, and then she said, “If the kiss meant nothing, then why does this have to hurt your friendship?”
“I don’t—” I started. “I mean, it … it doesn’t, but I don’t—”
“You don’t what?” Jane looked at me, tilting her head slightly.
I exhaled loudly, burying my face in my hands. “I don’t know. And what makes things worse is that … well, I think he might be seeing Annie now.”
After what seemed like an eternity, Jane asked, “Why does that make it worse? Do you think—” she stopped then. “Never mind.”
I looked up at her warily. “Do I think what?”
“Nothing,” Jane said with a sympathetic smile. “I’ll let it go. You’re clearly distressed by this conversation, and I really, really want to have fun with my newest friend tonight. Drinking game? Austen trivia?”
Well after sunrise the next day, I forced myself to wake up for a run again. Despite the slight hangover, I had to take advantage of the opportunity to run along Lake Superior, one of my favorite places on earth.
When I reached the rose gardens, I looked for a bench to rest. It wasn’t a long run, so I didn’t physically need a break, but the rose garden was one of my favorite places in the city, even in April when most flowers weren’t yet blooming. Coming here was, in fact, the highlight of running along the lakewalk. Even Jane, the local, agreed; yet another thing we had in common was a love of flower gardens. Still, I’d wanted to run alone today.
As I sat gazing at the lake, a light breeze blowing through my hair, I frowned slightly. I was having trouble attaining the meditative calm state I’d experienced yesterday while roaming around on my own. I glanced around at the barely budding flowers around me, expecting peace but instead feeling agitation growing in my stomach. As though something was missing.
Something was missing.
I could be sitting here, taking a break from a run and looking out at the beautiful scene before me, while holding a lover’s hand.
Such a romantic scene, this garden overlooking the lake in this city I’d always loved. And I was alone.
The tight feeling in my midsection became more noticeable, and my breath quickened. I closed my eyes to steady myself and then stood up to stretch. As I stretched my quads, I thought about how Jack never liked to stretch, but I made him do it anyway. I missed running with him in the last few months. He would like running on this lake trail. He would like the lake view, and he’d probably even tolerate the rose garden, despite his pollen allergy.
If only I could share this with Jack .
My heart started pounding wildly. I … didn’t mean that kind of sharing .
But as I closed my eyes and tried to redirect my thoughts, the image that entered my mind uninvited only sharpened: Jack sitting next to me, smiling as we soaked up the serene setting around us and grasping my hand.
My breath caught, my eyes flying open.
I love Jack .
“No, I couldn’t possibly,” I said aloud.
I love him.
“I love him as a friend,” I whispered.
I love Jack, and I want to be with him.
A wave of calm washed over me then, and I breathed deeply. The world around me stilled for a moment.
I’m in love with him.
I could picture him here, not just as my best friend, my running buddy, but as my lover, my life partner. The tension eased from my body as I envisioned us together—as I came to grips with the truth. As I stopped fighting it, finally.
I indulged in a long moment of peace as I stared at the shimmering lake below, trying on these new feelings, trying not to let my thoughts get in the way.
But my thoughts would not be held back for long, so I started running again before I could begin overthinking.
Even a brutal running pace didn’t stop the thoughts, the doubts that began to rush in, the nerves rattling within me.
So, I was into him.
How did it happen? We’d been friends forever, and I’d never thought about him in that way. Well, there was the little crush in high school, but it was so short-lived I’d rarely thought about it since. He’d been like an older brother—a hot one, I had to admit, but I’d never really noticed it before, at least not in any way that mattered. This newfound feeling was so strange and awkward, but it was undeniable. I was tired of fighting it. I could live with this.
But, with a sinking feeling, I reminded myself of the harsh truth: Jack saw me only as a friend. A very good friend, but still just a friend. He wasn’t in love with me. In fact, he might very well be in love with my former friend! How could I live through the agony of watching them together? Of never confessing my feelings? Of never truly being with him?
There was only one thing to do then. I stumbled off the running path, sat in the grass, and sobbed.