7. Chapter 7 #2
I opened my mouth to speak and then closed it. “I … I know. I think I will, someday.” I drew in a deep breath. “But for now … I’m actually OK, mostly.”
I stared at my lap for some time, hoping they’d change the subject. But when I raised my eyelids, Rafael was staring at me intently. My right eyebrow shot up.
He merely asked, “What else?”
“What do you mean?”
“What else is going on with you, Annie? ”
“You mean besides having a nasty virus, a terrible breakup with a cheating jerk, and then a falling out with a good friend, followed by a reminder that my mother is a horrible person and will never approve of me?” My tone was bitter, and I wondered again why my glass was empty.
Rainn came to my rescue, putting an arm around my shoulders. “That’s certainly more than enough for anyone, Raf. Let’s leave her be.”
“No.”
I glared at him for a moment before looking away.
Rafael sighed and leaned back. “There’s more to it.”
I bit my lip too hard and then winced at the sharp pain. Rainn was silent but pulled me in closer.
“Annie.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “I guess … we never did talk about whatever came out of my fever delirium, did we?”
“I mean, we talked about it,” Rafael said, motioning between himself and Rainn, “but not with you.” When I narrowed my eyes, he grinned. “ Kidding ! Mostly.”
“Can I at least get, like, five more shots first?” I asked, my lower lip jutting out. “It’s the least you can do if you’re going to make me talk.”
Rainn looked uneasy. “I don’t think more booze is what you need, girl. In fact, I’m a little concerned about how much you’ve already had.”
I rolled my eyes, tapping my foot against the bar stool leg. It was then I realized I’d lost my shoe on the other foot. How long ago had it fallen off? I bent down to find it on the floor and then bumped my head on the counter, nearly losing my balance.
“I rest my case,” Rainn said with a cocky grin.
“I know, let’s go to a greasy diner place and eat like lumberjacks!” Rafael said, grasping us both by the sleeves.
We both looked at him in surprise.
“What?” he asked defensively. “It’s not like any of us wants to dance or socialize or meet someone new here tonight, and we’re all past the point of drinking too much. Besides, it’ll give us a quieter place to listen to Annie’s troubles.”
My lips curved into a frown. “I’m just fine here, actually—”
“Come on, I want 2 am pancakes. And it’s my night to celebrate, isn’t it?” Rafael turned his pleading eyes toward me.
“I could go for a lumberjack breakfast,” Rainn said. “Come on, Annie. It’s Raf’s night—let’s do it.”
I gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut. Gorging myself with my besties at a greasy spoon restaurant actually did sound kind of wonderful, but there, I’d have no opportunity to escape the interrogation I knew was coming. At least here, at the bar, I had options.
I could catch the eye of some guy. There were no rules, right? I could dance and find someone to have fun with for the night. And escape my roomies.
But I realized, to my surprise and increasingly to my horror, that the thought of being with anyone, even casually, held no appeal at the moment.
Why? A good rebound can be so fun!
I didn’t want to think about why this time might be different. Still, it could be worth a try, and if I drank a little more, I might not care who was who or what was what. I could just tell the guys I’d meet them later …
But then I looked at Rafael, my best friend for over half of my life, and there was no question. “Anything for you, Raf.”
I licked my slippery lips, sighing with pleasure. “How did I go 26 years of my life without ever trying Becky’s amazing waffles?” The surprisingly delicious fare was doing its job of soaking up some of the alcohol I was now ready to admit I’d overindulged in … not for the first time lately .
“Comfort food at its finest,” Rafael said, wiping egg yolk off his chin. “I’m so glad you convinced me to get both the runny eggs and the pancakes. And the biscuits. Though the server probably thinks we’re high.”
“She probably thinks you are, Raf. But look at him,” I said, pointing to Rainn. “She’s had her eye on Rainn the whole time. And he looks like … like he eats like this every day.”
Rafael and I dissolved into a fit of giggles as Rainn shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
To be sure, part of his athletic good looks was genetic, and part of it was hard work lifting at the gym and running on the trails.
I loved that he was modest and even awkward when anyone talked about how well-built he was.
Every other guy I’d ever met who looked like Rainn had been anything but modest. It was initially part of their appeal, but it quickly soured when I realized they were usually not nice human beings or had nothing in their brains other than exercise plans.
Though I hated to stereotype, of course.
Because I hated being stereotyped myself.
I was the fun, perky, hot redhead party girl to most people. I often leaned into it. It was practically my birthright, or so my mother had drilled into me since, well, always. But sometimes I was just so tired of it all. It was me, but it wasn’t. I frowned. That made no sense.
“Jokes aside,” Rafael said, putting his fork down. “Annie, talk to us.”
The time had come, and there was no use avoiding it. I could try, but it would only delay the inevitable, and then it would probably just seem like I was making an even bigger deal out of it. Which … maybe it was too late for that already.
I inhaled and exhaled slowly and then slammed my juice for fortitude. “I’m guessing I mentioned an old flame in one of my fever dreams. Is that right?”
Rainn nodded as he finished chewing his silver dollar pancake. “More than once.”
I swallowed the embarrassment down. “Right. Well, I—I’m pretty sure that’s only because I’d happened to see an Instagram update from him. One of the days I was sick, I think I was scrolling mindlessly or something and saw his post. And then it got stuck in my head. That’s all it was. Case closed.”
Rafael could always see into my soul, so I tried to look away. “Annie, can you even say his name?”
My lips parted and then wavered. “Of—of course I can.” My breath felt shallow as I forced myself to say it.
“It’s … Kylan.” My voice, saying that name, sounded strange to my own ears.
“Rainn, he’s just an old fling from college, so maybe I haven’t mentioned him to you. Pretty insignificant, really—”
“Annie, stop,” Rafael said, his eyes piercing through my shield. “We’re your friends. I don’t know the whole of what you felt or what you still feel, but to say it was insignificant … puh-lease . Don’t lie to us or to yourself.”
Rainn looked from Rafael to me. His brows were creased, as though he expected me to lash out at Rafael in return.
But I only dropped forward, my face in my hands and my hair just barely avoiding touching my greasy plate.
“He’s coming to town. Here.” I raised my head briefly to add, “I mean, he’s probably already here.”
The guys nodded sympathetically, instead of looking surprised.
“You knew?”
“I did,” Rafael confirmed.
I looked back and forth between them, my mouth struggling to form words. “Wha—how?”
Rafael glanced down at his recently manicured nails, painted royal blue with thin black and green stripes. “I saw him.”
I nearly jumped out of my seat. “You what ? You saw him and didn’t tell me?”
“I would have told you,” Rafael said calmly, “but you’ve been holed up in your room for days, and you didn’t want to talk, especially about him.”
“It’s true. He did—” Rainn started.
“Where did you see him?” I asked slowly, still in shock and feeling pretty sober by this point .
“He was at the little park just across the bridge, with his bike.”
I paled, remembering our long weekend bike rides back in college. And trying not to. And then it sank in— across the bridge? I gasped. “The park that’s like three blocks from our apartment?” I watched in disbelief as Rafael nodded. “You can’t be serious. He was that close to where we live?”
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
“ Don’t hyperventilate, girl,” Rafael said in a soothing tone. “He had a bike, so he probably isn’t staying anywhere near here but just happened to be on a long bike ride. But who knows. I didn’t talk to him, so I don’t know where he’s staying.”
“Or why he’s in town?”
“No, I don’t know that either.” Rafael paused. “I mean, I’m sure we could find out, if you want to do a little digging—”
“ No! ” I burst out, eyes wide. I took in a steadying breath and tried to compose myself. “I mean, this is … it’s not a big deal. Not worth the effort.”
“Totally not a big deal,” Rafael said as he turned to Rainn, and they shared a chuckle.
I crossed my arms over my chest and sulked for a few minutes, picking at what was left of my buttery toast. Finally, I asked quietly, “Did he see you, Raf?”
“Doubtful. But it doesn’t matter anyway, right?” Rafael smirked, while Rainn openly laughed.
“Since when is it OK to laugh about your dear friend’s misfortunes?”
“Is it a misfortune? I thought it was no big deal,” Rafael said, not even trying to hide a smirk.
“I’d say it’s a fortune. Your true love’s back in town, Annie!” Rainn said with a wide grin.
“He’s—you don’t understand, Rainn.” I shook my head.
“There’s a lot more to the story. I sort of …
broke his heart. And my own, in the process.
Our relationship was never going to work.
We just—we wanted different things, and the timing was bad.
I broke him. Trust me, he’d never in a million years want anything to do with me now.
I know this because I’ve heard nothing from him in four years. Not a single message.”
As they watched me, I was dangerously on the verge of tears. How did this happen? I’d wanted to keep this conversation quick and light. Surface level. I tossed my hair back and shrugged for effect. “And that’s the way I want it. It’s over, and it’s for the best.”
“Right,” Rafael said, holding out the vowel in the word. He dabbed at his mouth with his napkin and then sat back. “I don’t think I can eat another bite.”
“Me neither,” Rainn agreed.
“I was going to ask if either of you wanted the rest of my chocolate chip muffin. I don’t want to burst the seams of this dress I squeezed into tonight,” I said wryly.
When they both grabbed for the muffin at the same time, I giggled. “You can share, boys.”
As they devoured the remains of my giant muffin, Rafael’s eyes met mine again. “Do you know what Kylan is doing now? Career-wise, I mean?”
My heart skipped a beat.
So we’re still doing this, talking about him.
I can handle this. Not a big deal.
“He’s actually pretty successful in the publishing industry, I think.
” I lied. I didn’t think this; I knew he was successful, against the odds.
He’d had a difficult upbringing in a low-income neighborhood.
It was one of my mother’s many objections to the idea of my dating Kylan.
“I’m not sure exactly what he does,” I said truthfully.
I had stuck to Instagram only, steadfastly avoiding any other social media or even Googling, so I didn’t know exactly what he did for a living.
But it was clear from his photos that he’d made it big, and he was often tagged in photos with publishing executives or even occasionally celebrities.
“You don’t want to know?” Rainn asked as he wiped chocolate off his lips. “I’m sure it wouldn’t be hard to find out. Even if he’s the private type on social media, I could find some info for you.”
I shook my head rapidly. “Please don’t. I find …” I grasped for the right words. How could I explain that I needed to keep the distance? It was how I’d survived. “I find comfort in not knowing.”
“I can see that,” Rafael said, looking thoughtful. “If Joel ever ghosted me—”
“But he wouldn’t,” I said firmly. “Because you guys are in love. He’s the one , Raf.” Then, with some difficulty, I added hoarsely, “Kylan, he … he wasn’t the one. He was just a guy I dated and then dumped. Among many others.” I offered a wry smile.
“He was a guy you loved , Annie. Maybe the only guy you’ve loved? And Viviana convinced you to give him up.”
I stared at my best friend, my eyebrows raised. “Well, she wasn’t the only one who disapproved.” Rafael had never told me explicitly not to follow Kylan to New York to pursue his dreams, but I knew he’d agreed with Viviana on that.
With his brows furrowed, he put his napkin over his plate. “I’ll leave you alone about Kylan for now. But this may not be the end of the conversation, Annie.”
“Yeah, I mean, you could bump into him any day,” Rainn said, and then he palmed his forehead. “Oh, crap, speaking of bumping into someone, I forgot to mention I saw Viv today, at the race. We chatted for a bit.”
I exhaled slowly. “Oh, did she … did you …” Just ask him already. “Did she ask about me?”
“Ah, not that I remember. She seemed distracted, like she was looking for someone but nervous? I don’t know. It was quick.” Rainn shrugged and took a sip of water. “No big deal, just wanted to let you know. It wasn’t weird or anything.”
It sounded as though Viviana had been alone at the race, which was odd. She always ran with her best friend, Jack. I wondered if there was a story there.
“Back to Kylan, we don’t know how long he’s in town, do we? A bike ride in the park suggests an extended stay,” Rainn said.
I frowned. I’d started to fear this too. What was he doing in the Twin Cities anyway ?
No, it doesn’t matter.
I don’t need—or want—to know.
He just needs to wrap it up and go home, so I can go back to living my life pretending like … like I didn’t meet the love of my life four years ago and then push him away, forever.