13. Avery
thirteen
Avery
I 'm making a mess of things. An absolute mess.
Things were going great with Phial and me. Why did I have to ask him to come into the nest, and why did I have to get all butthurt when he chose to sleep far away from me?
This is all so stupid, and I blame the Rytharian hormones still coursing through my system. I need to get laid. That's all there is to it. I'm latching on to Phial so hard because he's the male I'm around most often. Of course, I'm going to grow attached to him when my biological makeup is telling me to procreate every moment of every day.
"Avery?" Jia asks, coming out of the sanctuary with a concerned look on her face.
Her lips are swollen and red, her furs disheveled. I have questions, but they're answered when a male I recognize as coming around often to chat with Jia comes stepping out of the hallway where mates go, a smile on his face and a pep in his step. He looks shocked when he sees me, and he turns on his heel to retreat back to the room he came from. I shake my head, too busy with my own issues to worry about Jia's sex life.
"Can I stay here tonight?" I ask, wiping away tears from my eyes.
"Of course," Jia says, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and guiding me inside. "Is the room we set up for you okay?"
I nod, feeling like a child. It's one thing for me to get upset with Phial for not sleeping next to me, but then I went and threw a fit about it.
Everything was going so good, too. We were back to laughing and talking with one another, back to things being easy around him. I hate these stupid hormones, and I hate that they've latched onto the one person who makes me feel safe and loved because he's the one single male here who doesn't want me in that way.
"Is this about Phial?" Jia asks me, sniffing the air around me before the bridge of her nose crinkles. I don't know if I envy the Rytharian's ability to smell so well or if I'm grateful I can't. "You smell like him."
"Yes, it's about Phial," I groan as she opens the door into the sanctuary for me and leads me down the hall. "It's always about Phial."
Jia rolls her eyes. She's behind me, and I can't see that she's rolling her eyes, but she is. I know she is.
"What's your problem with him anyway?" I ask.
It's not like tonight can get any worse, so I might as well ask Jia one of the questions that's been bugging me for so long about her issues with Phial. She's never directly told me anything, but I see how her lips turn downward when she sees him or how she rolls her eyes when I mention more about how I don't know why I can't just want anyone else.
Jia takes a long moment to answer my question. I don't know if it's because she's trying to pick her words carefully or because she's not going to answer at all. "Avery, I love you. You're one of us, and you'll always have a home here. But you've picked the dumbest male."
My fists clench at my sides, the same reaction that's been happening more and more when I hear people talk about Phial in unflattering ways. It doesn't happen often, but it happens way more than I like since the number of times it should happen is exactly zero.
Phial's a good male, and others should be able to see that. I don't know why they don't.
"Calm down," Jia says, laughing as she opens the door to my room. "He's not actually dumb. I'm sure he's a highly intelligent male, but he's stupid when it comes to you."
"What do you mean?" The words shouldn't sound as hopeful as they do because it's a childish little question.
It's like being back on the playground again and asking one of my friends to go ask a boy if he has a crush on me. That's what this feels like because Jia's words make it sound like there's something there that I'm not seeing.
"You're just as stupid," she says through a huff. "I can say that now because you've been healing, and I don't think it'll make you spiral."
I frown at her, my cheeks an inferno as my emotions show on my face. "I'm not stupid."
"Oh, so you've told that male how you feel about him then?" Jia asks, her face a mix of sass and amusement.
"I'm happy to inform you that I did, and he didn't say anything after I did, and now I'm here." I turn my chin at her, refusing to meet her eyes or see if her face falls at my admission.
Instead of her face falling or her attitude changing, she doubles over and laughs at me. A long, belly laugh rumbles around the room and makes me acutely aware of how funny she thinks what I just said is, even though it still feels like a thousand pieces of glass are slicing into my heart. I wipe at my tears, turning my face hard because now I'm just pissed at how she's reacting.
"Avery, that male is probably telling himself right now that whatever you said, you didn't mean." Jia wipes at her eyes. She's shedding more tears than me now, but hers are all from laughing at me and my failure of a love life.
"I was pretty clear," I counter, shooting her a dirty look so she knows I don't appreciate whatever this is.
"You've also been physical with him for two hours and had this whole room smelling of your pheromones, and he still thought he was being chivalrous by keeping this a secret because he doesn't think you want anyone to know you're with him."
"That's not true." I shake my head, my lips flattening.
"Oh, so he's not lying in the dirt all hours of the day and night when you're in your heat?" Jia asks, and I give her a confused look. I'm about to tell her I have no idea what she's talking about when she continues. "He thinks he's sneaky, did you know that? Holoth's sister came and told us during your first heat. He was talking about sneaking in, so we lessened the pheromone dampeners outside in the alcove. Sure enough, Phial's smell was there all of the time."
"What?" I hold up my hands, trying to get Jia to slow down on everything she's saying so I can have a second to process it.
"Avery that male is in love with you," Jia says, her hands on her hips, her head tilted to the side as she gives me a sympathetic smile.
"No, he's not," I try to argue, and Jia's sympathetic look turns into another eye roll. "You can't just roll your eyes like that's a mature way of conversing with someone," I huff.
"No, you're right." Jia waves her hand in front of her, and I scoot out of the way of the door. "I should just not tell you my real feelings in case it damages our relationship, right? We should keep it a nice big secret until our friendship is on the brink of collapse."
Jia doesn't wait for me to respond. It's not like I have much to say about that, anyway. I can argue with her about how she doesn't know what she's talking about, but that would be a lie. My relationship with Phial is strained, and even when it's starting to get better, I somehow manage to mess it all up.
I plop onto the loveseat, ignoring the tightening in my chest as best as I can when the door opens again. Jia frowns at me and the small pity party I'm throwing for myself. She tosses me a comm tablet with a video feed of the alcove playing on it.
"Watch this for the next few minutes at least," she says, not giving me a chance to ask why before she closes the door again and leaves me alone.
It's not like I have anything better to do, so I curl up on the loveseat, rest the comm tablet against my legs, and watch the screen. Nothing's happening out there, so I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be looking for.
Some of the nearby trees sway in the wind, but that's the only movement. The alcove is empty except for the few doors against the walls that lead to different hallways and the small bench against one wall, where people can wait.
A sliver of light falls into the alcove from one of the doors opening, and then Jia is out there. She stands with her hands on her hips, staring at a corner. Or, at least, I think she is since she has her back to me.
"Phial," she whispers his name like he's somewhere nearby when it's just her standing out there. "Show yourself, or I'm going to throw water on you."
I squint harder at the screen, unsure if Jia's pulling my leg right now or if Phial is out there. If he is, he'd have to be outside the camera's range because I don't see him anywhere.
"I can smell you." Jia throws her hands up like she's exasperated. When no one shows up still, she keeps going. "We've all smelled you every time you've been here. We don't say anything because you'll get all embarrassed and won't be here for her at all, but the time for that has come and gone, so I don't care if you're embarrassed now. Show yourself because Avery's in there with her broken heart, crying because you still haven't told her you care about her."
Something moves and flickers in the corner of the alcove. A figure lying on the ground, their scales shimmer and shine different colors before settling on the dark navy I'm used to seeing. Phial's face is contorted between a scowl and a look of admonishment as he lifts himself off the ground to stand.
I swallow the lump in my throat, forcing my emotions to figure out what they're doing. On one hand, my heart still feels broken because he didn't say anything to me when I told him I wanted to be more than friends. On the other hand, he's out there, waiting for me, watching over me in his own strange way.
"She's crying?" Phial asks, rubbing the back of his neck.
His feathers are going every which way, but for the first time, he isn't preoccupied with smoothing them down. He stands in front of Jia, completely naked, which is weird, especially when I can't help but let my eyes track down his body. He's smooth, like a child's doll between his legs, which doesn't make much sense considering he also told me he has cocks, as in multiple. I don't know where they're hiding, but they're not between his legs.
"She was until I called you stupid, then she was mad," Jia says, shrugging her shoulder like it's no big deal.
Phial snaps his teeth at her, his displeasure clear to all of us. "I'm not a stupid male. Whatever issue you have with me, tell me and stop calling me names."
"My issue with you is that you have a female who's asked for your help in her heat, and you've rejected her. She's asked for your help in getting her comfortable with physical touch, and you made her feel like a dirty secret. That's my issue with you," She continues, even as Phial tries to interrupt her. "I call you stupid because you're too dense to realize that you both care for one another, and you're only hurting each other by not doing anything about it."
Phial takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. When he lets his breath out, he gives himself a single nod. "Fine. Will you please show me to her, and I will attempt to make things right?"
Jia looks him up and down, maybe just now realizing that he's naked for all intents and purposes. Phial's lips are in a tight line as he inhales loud enough for me to hear over the camera.
"Unless you have pants small enough for me, I'll have to return to the ship." He shrugs his shoulders and then gestures down to his groin. "Everything is tucked away. I'm decent as far as any cultural norms dictate."
Jia turns away from him and disappears down one of the hallways. "Give me a second. I have something for you because we both know there's a good chance they show up when you go to talk with Avery."
Phial's ruffled by the statement enough that he turns away from the camera and paces the small alcove. It's hard to stifle the little squeal in my throat when he turns around, and I see his firm, scaled backside peeking out from either side of where his tail is hiding it. He might be culturally decent from the front, but damn, that ass needs to be covered as far as I'm concerned. Covered and only visible when he's with me.
Jia comes out a moment later with some furs. She tosses them to Phial who looks at them before holding them up and snapping his teeth at her.
"These are female furs," he hisses the last syllable and it lengthens the word into a nasty sound that makes Jia and I acutely aware of how unhappy he is.
"Just tie them around yourself and don't think about it." I can hear the eye roll without needing to see her face. "You were willing to go in there bare, so I don't know why this is any worse."
Phial huffs and puffs some more, his feathers sticking straight up as he narrows his eyes on Jia. He finally relents and ties the skirt around his waist. It's one of the same kind that only covers the front and back, with the thighs and hips left uncovered. I bite my lip to keep from laughing because I'm sure it's embarrassing enough for Phial as it is.
When he ties the skirt in place, he flops his hands down by his sides and gives Jia an expectant look.
"Come on," Jia says, turning back the way she came when she first left me.
Her eyes track up to the ceiling, finding the camera easy enough and giving me a wink. I hate that she's somehow managed to make all of this better and worse all at the same time. I'm grateful because I know, or at least I think, Phial cares for me in a way that's probably a bit more than a friend. It's so much worse because now we have to have that conversation in this room. The room where I made out with Phial for like two whole hours.
The memories are what fuel all of my alone time, and so I'm not exactly looking forward to having him in here for a serious conversation when it's going to be in the back of my mind that we were making out here not that long ago. That we could be making out with one another again.
The video feed grows quiet as the door closes behind them. I have maybe forty-five seconds to make myself look presentable before they get here. Not that there's much I can do. My hair's still in the bun it was in when Phial and I watched our show. My eyes are probably still rimmed red from crying, and I can feel the burn of the flush in my face and how it travels down my neck to my chest. The only thing I manage to do in the forty-five seconds it takes them to get to the room is stand up.
"You have a visitor," Jia says, sounding chipper and happy.
It's a stark contrast to the embarrassed look I'm wearing and the scowl Phial's staring into the back of her head. His feathers shoot up straight again when he sees me, and his hands move instinctively over his groin like he's trying to cover the fact that he's wearing a skirt.
I let my eyes linger over his body because while he might be different from any other species I've ever seen or been attracted to, I've grown very fond of how he looks. And, whether he likes it or not, he looks good in a skirt.
"I'll leave you two to it, then," Jia says, shoving Phial in the back so he's stepping further into the room. She grabs the doorknob and starts to pull it closed behind her before sticking her head back in. "Use the necklace, and the same rules apply as before. There's no time limit, so if you want to leave, say no or stop, and someone will be on the speaker."
My cheeks turn even brighter as she closes the door behind her, leaving Phial and me alone for as long as we want in this room where I want to learn to be physical with a man again. I twist my fingers in front of myself, chew on my bottom lip, and try to decide how to start this awkward conversation.
"So…" I let the word hang in the air for a moment until Phial repeats it, just as uncertain sounding as I am.
"You can turn invisible?" I ask. It's not even in the realm of things that need to be talked about right now, but it's probably something we should discuss at some point.
I mean, he's apparently been hiding out in the alcove during my heats. Who knows when else he's been around, and I didn't know. Why does that idea have my toes curling and my core clenching instead of weirding me out? Because it's Phial, that's why.
"I can." Phial clears his throat and then rolls his shoulders. "I feel like I should probably inform you that there's not very often when I'm not with you. When you ask for your privacy or if something needs to be done on the ship while you're out, I'm not with you, but for the most part, I've always been there."
"You follow me around?" I ask, the words breathy. Yeah, I'm kind of turned on by the whole stalker thing. I probably shouldn't tell him that. That might be what actually scares him away if he is interested in me.
"All the time." Phial takes a step closer to me.
"Why?"
Phial doesn't answer until he's standing right in front of me, his palm coming up to stroke my cheek. I can feel my heart trying to escape my rib cage, my breathing coming out in shallow little puffs as Phial's face nears mine like he's going to kiss me again.
"I love you, Avery, as a friend, as a lover, as anything you want. I love you, and I want to be in your life however I can be. But I need you to tell me what role I have the honor of playing because I don't think I'm very good at picking up on hints."
It feels like my heart is exploding in my chest, and at the same time, my stomach is erupting in butterflies. I reach up and tug Phial's lips to mine, needing to feel his touch and closeness. He obliges, placing a tender kiss across my lips, being sweet and gentle with me when I want nothing more than to pull him down to the loveseat and pick up where we were the last time we were here.
"What are we?" Phial asks as he pulls away just enough to get the words out. I'm stumbling backward, trying to find something soft, anything soft to be with him in.
The nest.
Oh, I want him in my nest so bad. I need to make it look nice, though. It's not ready for me to have a male inside just yet. I turn away from him, my mind telling me I have to make the nest perfect before we do anything else.
Phial doesn't tug me back to him. He follows right behind me as I move toward the nest and crawl into it. The raised platform is concaved so I could fill it with soft blankets, furs, and pillows. We weren't sure if I'd have the same nesting instincts as Rytharians since we weren't sure what all Vyron altered inside me. Now it's clear I have a nesting drive.
Phial kneels down next to the nest, his eyes watching as I scramble around it, making sure pillows are where they need to be, blankets are lying just right without any wrinkles, and furs are all placed exactly where they need to be. I don't know how long he just sits and watches, but he doesn't interrupt me, and he doesn't look like he's put out.
"Okay," I huff when I'm certain everything is perfect.
"Okay?" Phial asks, rising to his full height so he can inspect the nest. I sit in the middle of it, my lip worrying between my teeth as I wait for him to tell me if he likes it or not. Phial's eyes trace over every inch, and I fill with pride at how his eyes seem to shimmer.
"It's beautiful, Avery," he says the words softly as his gaze lands on me. "Who did you build this nest for?"
"You," I murmur quietly, the words causing warmth to pool in my face and my belly.
"And who am I to you?"
I look up at Phial, and I force the words out of my mouth before I can talk myself out of it. "You're my best friend, but I really want us to be more than that."
"How much more?"
"I don't know." I know it's probably not the answer he wants to hear, but it's the only one I have. "Right now, I want everything. I want all of you to myself forever, but I don't know how realistic that is."
Phial's lips tick up in the corner. "Don't be realistic on my account."
I huff out a sound of irritation and look up at how he's still smiling down at me. "Will you just get in this nest and kiss me some more?"
Phial's feathers lift off his head, but that's the only part of him that seems surprised at my request. He crawls into the nest, his scaled muscles tensing and flexing as he crawls over to me. I lean back onto my forearms, my legs shifting around until he's above me, pressing his weight against me just enough to show me he's here with me.
I move my legs again, this time spreading them enough so he can lie between them. He makes the same soft chittering sound in the back of his throat before his lips find mine.