35. Noah
Chapter 35
Noah
O nce Tess had had a bath and dinner, I put her to bed, more than ready for a shower and some time to process.
When I’d discovered that moose calf and realized it was in danger, a switch had flipped in my brain. I was overcome by a sense of total clarity. Every step I needed to take came to me. So I did it.
I had not bargained on the giant bull confronting me on the riverbed, but he seemed… grateful?
It was as if the deadly thousand-pound animal had stared into my soul. And though I was still reeling, I thought it might have changed me forever.
It must be his calf. Though that didn’t make sense. Moose calves stayed with their mothers. But Clive—according to Vic, he was well-known—had been braying and crying as if he was concerned for the little creature.
While I’d given Tess a bath, Vic had called in a favor. The pizzeria still hadn’t opened, but after Becca showed up with pizza the night we built the chicken coop, Vic had befriended Marco, the owner. She’d gushed over the pizza and marveled at the beautiful oven in his new storefront, and voilà, we had become recipients of his “test” batches.
When I left California, I had no idea what was in store for me. In my wildest dreams, I could never have imagined a woman like Vic coming into my life and turning it upside down.
“You were incredible today, hotshot,” she said, wiping tomato sauce from the corner of her lip.
I wanted to brush off the compliment, but I knew she wouldn’t let me get away with that. So I nodded and left it at that.
“I’m here for you. I hope you know that. If you need to talk, I’ll listen. I want to help.” Her dark eyes were brimming with concern and affection.
It hurt to see the genuine emotion so close to the surface like that. I’d relived that day a year ago over and over in my mind. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about it.
What I did want, more than anything in this moment, was to be close to Vic. I wanted to share my life with her. She deserved to know who I was, deep down. And she should know what had happened to Tess’s parents.
How could I expect her to feel about me the way I felt about her if I wasn’t completely honest? If I didn’t give her the full history?
It wasn’t possible. So I swallowed past the trepidation rising up my esophagus and forced the words out.
“Jack and Emily were my best friends.” I set my slice of pizza down and wiped my hands on a napkin. “Jack and I trained together, then we served on the same crew for a few years. He and Emily had been together forever. The three of us lived in Tahoe for a while, in this shitty old apartment above a laundromat.”
She put her plate down on the coffee table and snuggled up next to me.
“When they got pregnant with Tess, they bought a little house on a few acres outside of town, toward the national forest. They were building the family they’d always dreamed of. I was so happy for them. Jack had always wanted kids, and Emily had finally been promoted at the hospital.”
Emotion welled up inside me, making it hard to speak.
She squeezed my hand, gently urging me to keep going.
“We were so close. Always spent holidays together. The day they made it legal, I stood beside them as their witness at the courthouse. After, we went to our favorite dive bar and had the best burgers ever. Emily craved them nonstop while she was pregnant. While we were there, they said they had something to ask me.”
I closed my eyes and breathed. I could smell the stale beer and I could hear the country music playing on the jukebox in the corner.
“They asked me to be their baby’s guardian if something happened to them.” My stomach had sunk at first. I wasn’t qualified to be anyone’s parent. I tried to convince them to pick someone else, but they’d insisted.
“In our line of work, you have to plan ahead. Wills, medical proxy, life insurance. We joked around about it on the crew, but Emily, being a nurse, saw what could happen.”
“Did they have other family?”
I shook my head. “Emily’s mom died a few years ago. Jack came from a toxic, abusive home. He wanted to make sure they wouldn’t have access to his kid. Eventually, I said yes. How could I not? Maybe I wouldn’t have if I really thought anything would come of it.”
I sipped from my bottle of water and cleared my throat.
“We toasted and laughed, and I put it out of my mind. The guys on our crew all used this attorney who gave discounts to first responders. We met at her office, and I signed the paperwork the week before Tess was born.”
My eyes stung with tears at the memory of Jack hugging me after, thanking me so sincerely for what I was doing. To me, it was a small thing. Nothing more than signing a few documents. To him, it meant far more. I just didn’t realize it at the time.
Vic curled up against me, her head on my chest.
“What happened with the fire?”
“I fucked up.” My pulse fluttered and picked up pace as I forced the words out. “We usually deployed out to fires, but this one was close to home. Right outside Tahoe. Jack was technically on paternity leave and at home.”
A familiar ache settled in my stomach as I stroked Vic’s hair. Running my fingers through the silky strands always helped settle me.
“I was given command of the west front of the fire. It was weak then, but it gained significant strength as the day went on.
“Jack could have stayed home.” I bit back a sob. Fuck, he should have. “But he chose to suit up and join us. A fire close to home like that one? It was personal. There was no way he was going to sit out.”
I ran my tongue over my teeth, collecting my thoughts. I hadn’t spoken aloud about this in almost a year.
“He was on the east side, doing analytics and taking out potential brush. The plan was to build up the firewall to keep it away from the town center. Tahoe City is small, but the area around the lake is densely populated. We calculated the wind speed and direction, the terrain, and fuel density.
“But…” I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “But it turned. Bay laurel goes up fast. A whole crop of them caught fire, and the blaze moved farther south than we’d anticipated. We issued evacuation orders, but by the time I realized it was heading toward Jack and Emily’s house, it was moving too fast. The terrain was pure tinder.”
With a gasp, Vic clutched my T-shirt.
“We sent a crew over there, then I jumped in a truck and went myself, panicking and spiraling. When we’d come in the day before, we’d anticipated northern movement.”
My heart pounded so hard I could feel it in my toenails and blood whooshed in my ears. I’d broken out in a cold sweat, and my tongue felt too big for my mouth.
“Emily had tried to drive out but couldn’t get around some downed trees. She walked out toward the main road with Tess. She’d put a respirator on the baby and secured it to her tiny face with tape. But she only had the one. When we found her, she was staggering. I don’t know how she was still on her feet. She was wheezing and coughed the whole way to the hospital.”
A wave of grief swept through me as images of my friend hit me one after another. Eyes closed, I took a deep breath and steeled my spine. I’d made it this far. I had to get through the rest.
“But the damage to her lungs was too severe.” This time, a sob made its way out of me before I could stop it. It felt like I’d returned to that day. To the time I spent sitting with Tess. I cradled her tiny body while I sat beside Emily, who’d been put on a ventilator, praying for her to be okay.
I was shaking now, the fear and pain taking over.
Sitting up, Vic snaked her arms around me and held me close. She didn’t speak. Just comforted me silently. It was all so fucking unfair. I’d lived with this reality for a fucking year, and I still couldn’t accept it. It still felt like a nightmare I was desperate to wake up from.
“It’s my fault.” My heart cracked in two as I voiced my greatest shame.
She stiffened, but she didn’t release me. “No it’s not. You were doing your job. You’ve told me so many times how unpredictable fire is, how human intervention can only do so much.”
It was my fault. It should have been me. I lived my life ready for the inevitable. My family could have handled it.
Instead, a perfect, helpless infant lost her parents.
“What happened to Jack?”
“He tried to get home to get them. Got caught behind the firebreak.” I trailed off. “Fuck.” I buried my face in Vic’s neck. “I just hope he knew. I hope he knew I did everything in my power to keep them safe.”
I couldn’t hold it back any longer. All the pain and regret and guilt I’d been carrying for the last year rushed to the surface. Combined with the adrenaline and joy of the day, I broke down.
Vic held me, her head on my chest, as I cried. My tears fell right into her hair and she didn’t care. I’d never felt this before. The kind of support that held me up when I was ready to crumble.
“Let’s go to bed,” she said gently after we’d sat, wrapped around one another, for close to an hour.
We changed in silence and brushed our teeth. I hated that she’d have to squeeze onto the twin bed with me, but she didn’t seem to mind.
In the dark, she draped her body over mine, holding me tight and nuzzling into my neck. “You’re not ready to hear this yet, but you will be someday. So I’ll repeat it as often as I can until it sinks in.”
She took a deep breath and let it out, her warm breath tickling the skin at my collarbone.
“This was not your fault. It was a senseless tragedy, plain and simple. You are not responsible. You did nothing wrong.”
She clasped my hand and squeezed it tight.
“You’re doing exactly what they asked you to do. They knew if they had to leave her, she’d be loved by the best man they knew. They trusted you with the most precious thing they had.”
My eyes welled. I was too tired to fight back tears, so I silently let them fall.
“They live every day through her. She is how they exist in this world. I promise you, they know how devoted you are to her, and because of that, they are at peace.”
She didn’t look up, but she cupped my cheek and swiped at my tears with her thumb.
“So please, please, stop blaming yourself. Stop punishing yourself. Because that child needs you at your best. And she deserves it.”