Prologue #4
It was a sad state of affairs, but this wasn’t the first time I’d taken a beating from my da.
It was only when he bent over me, holding me by my shirt as he slammed his fist into my face, that I realised he’d been going easy on me all these years.
He wasn’t just teaching me a lesson this time, the pure hatred I saw blazing in his eyes cut me to the core.
I tried to shield myself from his fists, but it was no use.
Somewhere in the distance I could hear my ma yelling, but the ringing in my ears soon drowned her out.
I lost count of how many times he hit me. My consciousness wavered, quickly giving way to the unending black and when I woke, Da was gone.
I was laying face down in a sticky pool of coagulated blood. Everything hurt, every nerve ending on fire and I groaned as I attempted to ease myself up. I had something hard stuck in my mouth and as I spat it out, I realised it was one of my teeth.
“Ya’ve really done it this time, son.”
My head whipped around, my brain feeling three sizes too big for my own skull.
I could barely think, barely see as my one eye slowly swelled itself shut, but I spotted my ma, huddled in the corner of the caravan.
She looked a mess, her face covered in tears and eyes red rimmed, but at least she was untouched.
She’d been spared my da’s anger this time by the looks of things.
“I’m sorry, Ma,” I mumbled, the tears I’d been fighting so hard to hold back escaping me, mixing with the blood, and making my cuts sting.
“That… disgustin’ filth…” She paused. “It belongs t’ yourself? I found it under y’bed when I got t’ strippin’ it.”
I didn’t respond with words and just nodded my head, my split lip wobbling.
A shaky sob escaped my ma and that was like taking a bullet. I’d have welcomed Da’s fists every day of the week if it meant never having to hear that noise ever again.
“I’d be so feckin’ disappointed in ya,” she whimpered. “I love ya, son, but I can’t—”
I was a disgrace, a monster. Even my own ma couldn’t look at me. What had I done?
“You’d be best keepin’ behind when we head t’ Appleby,” Ma continued. “Stay wi’ y’wee pal Declan, aye?”
I simply nodded, too weak to argue. How the fuck was I going to explain all this to Dec? It wasn’t the first time he’d seen the aftermath of a run in with my da, but this was on a whole new level. He was bound to ask questions.
“A-an’ I’d think it best if y’kept y’distance from ya da from now on, like. He’ll never forgive ya for this, son. Never.”
My whole world crumbled down around me. What the hell was I going to do? Still I held my tongue.
“From me, too.”
I looked up, gazing at my ma. She stared back at me, trembling violently. We both knew that if Da had thrown me out, Ma continuing to help me would only bring her pain and misery. She’d clearly come to her decision. I wasn’t worth the heartache anymore.
I wiped my nose on my arm, not at all surprised to see a smear of blood left behind. Without another word, I struggled to my feet and limped to the door.
“I’ll bring ya clothes an’ that by Declan’s trailer in the morn,” Ma said. “It’ll be early. Ya da will want t’ be makin’ tracks for Appleby as soon as he’s up and about, now.”
“Aye,” I murmured, voice cracking. “Thanks, Ma.”
She didn’t reply, just nodded and I stumbled out of the door, slamming it closed behind me.
It was dark, probably the wee hours of the morning by now, and the camp was still and silent.
I passed between caravans unnoticed, grateful at least for no one seeing the state on me.
Not that it mattered – everyone knew what my da was like.
Even if I was spotted, no one would be doing a damn thing about it.
I arrived outside Declan’s caravan, frozen with fear.
What if Declan decided I was too much trouble to be worth bothering with too?
I’d ruined his weekend. Neither of us would be going to Appleby now, and after I’d promised him we’d do something special for his ma, too.
My da, my ma… I wasn’t sure I could take it if my best mate turned his back on me as well.
I wasn’t sure how long I loitered around outside Declan’s caravan, unable to bring myself to knock. As soon as I did, the reality of everything that had happened would come crashing down. Nothing would ever be the same. Despite how my face throbbed, I was keen to stay in limbo a little longer.
I sat down in the grass, wet with dew, and rested my head back against the side of Declan’s caravan. My mind was buzzing and yet I couldn’t seem to wrangle a single, sensible thought into submission. I simply sat in silence, staring up at the night sky and watching as it gradually lightened.
Soon enough, I heard movement from inside Declan’s caravan. The door flew open, and Declan did a double-take, nearly slipping down the steps from his door with surprise.
“Feckin’ hell! Y’scared the shite outta me!” he snapped, his face suddenly falling. “Shite, y’alright?”
I shook my head. “Nah. I’d say I’ve been better, boyo.”
Declan didn’t say a word, just gestured for me to join him inside. I winced and sucked in a pained breath as I forced myself up, battered and bruised as I was.
“Christ, look at the state on ya, like,” Declan muttered. He grabbed a tea towel and after fishing around in his small, under counter freezer, pulled free a bag of frozen chips.
“I ain’t got no feckin’ peas,” he said with a sad smile. He wrapped the bag in the tea towel and held it out to me. I muttered my thanks and gingerly held it against my face. The cold helped soothe the worst of the aching.
When I slumped down onto the floor, leaning my back against the kitchen counters, Declan slipped down to sit beside me. We were silent for a long while before he spoke.
“Ya da again?”
I nodded.
“Y’wanna talk about it?”
“Nah.”
“Aye, fair.”
Another long silence. This time it was my turn to clear my throat and break the tension.
“We’re t’ stay behind. They’re goin’ t’ Appleby without us. I’m sorry, Dec.” Shamefully, my voice cracked with emotion.
“Ah, feck it. No bother, like.” He sniffed, followed by a soft chuckle. “Tell ya the truth I’d been worried about bawlin’ me eyes out bein’ there without me ma anyhow. Like a feckin’ wain.”
Despite my misery, I felt a smile worm its way onto my face. The split on my lip opened up, the pain distracting me in an instant but there was no denying I felt a little lighter just being here with Declan.
True to her word, my ma left a holdall with my belongings in it outside Declan’s place.
She didn’t even knock, just dumped it down and high tailed it back to my da in the van.
The caravan was hitched up to the back, and I watched through the murky panes of Declan’s windows as my family left me behind.
The camp was quiet with most folks leaving to attend the fair. All our mates had gone too, leaving just me and Declan. In truth, I couldn’t be too mad about that. Even after the swelling had gone down, my face was a mess. The fewer folk that saw me like that, the better in my opinion.
Despite the heaviness of the weekend – both Declan and I grieving for our own reasons – we had a decent laugh.
Declan had sticky fingers at the best of times, but given we’d been left to our own devices with no more than a couple of quid between us, he made sure we had enough to eat and a few DVDs to keep ourselves entertained with.
Sure, it wasn’t the best of diets – crisps, fizzy drinks, sweets…
basically whatever Declan could fit inside his pockets from the local corner shop, but it was better than going hungry.
I kept myself as busy as I could, but I knew when the weekend came to an end, I’d be forced to face reality once more.
My parents would return, and I honestly wasn’t sure what I was going to do when they did.
I couldn’t hide away inside Declan’s caravan forever but given my da had nigh on beaten the shite out of me, I didn’t expect he was keen to lay eyes on me for some time.
As it turned out, I needn’t have worried. My parents didn’t return from Appleby. When a week passed, I sent word to a few mates I had up that way, but they claimed the pair of them had left for Dublin after the fair as usual. I’d been abandoned and I was conflicted on how I felt about it.
I was still carrying the huge hole my parents’ rejection had left inside me, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to be sad I’d never see my da again. Sometimes, when I was lying awake at night, I’d shed a tear for my ma, but I knew it was for the best.
Declan and I made ends meet as best we could.
We were pretty streetwise, but we were still minors.
Some of the women about camp kept an eye on us, checking in to make sure we were fed and clothed.
Without the full story, they were disgusted that my parents had just vanished and left me to fend for myself and whilst my guilt ate at me, I allowed them to believe I was the victim.
I daren’t tell anyone what had really driven my ma and da away.
The years were tough, but Declan and I pushed on through.
We both did some things we weren’t proud of as a way to make cash.
Sometimes it was shoplifting, other times dealing for the local drug gangs and acting as fences or lookouts for some of the older fellas whilst they conducted their shady business.
We did whatever we needed to do. I was certainly learning some new tricks of an entirely different trade these days.
By sixteen and a half I was on first name terms with some pretty dangerous fellas.
They’d taken a liking to me and Declan. My mate was ferocious and fearless, doing whatever dark shite they needed him to without complaint, whereas I had a shrewd business sense – something I was sure my da would be proud of me for if he didn’t hate my guts.
Sometimes I worried what living like this would do to us in the long run, but beggars couldn’t be choosers.