Prologue #5
The gang we were hanging about with held some belters of parties.
Declan and I were part of the inner circle, trusted to collect cash and drugs without getting caught and as such we were richly rewarded.
We had access to all the booze, drugs, and stolen shite we’d ever need and to say both of us sampled far too much, too young was an understatement.
My new lifestyle as a career criminal had done a stellar job of distracting me from the troubles that had got me there in the first place.
I pushed all thoughts of that magazine and how it had made me feel to the back of my mind, repressing the shite out of them.
I was fully convinced that if I fought hard enough, I could change.
I didn’t have to be this way. I didn’t ever want to go through what had happened that night ever again.
I couldn’t lose this, lose Declan. Not over something like that. He was all I fucking had.
With money, drugs and flashy shite came girls.
None of us were short on female attention, in particular Declan.
Despite his age, he was as tall as most of the older fellas we hung about with already and since he’d begun to lift weights and get back into his boxing, he was in good shape too.
He was a pussy magnet, the wee geebags clamouring to get on him whenever they had opportunity.
I couldn’t rightly blame them, though I kept that opinion strictly to myself.
Declan and I were still sharing a caravan which made for some awkward sleepovers with me trying not to listen as my mate got the ride in.
The wee girls Declan brought back with him always sounded like they were having a good time, and I grew morbidly curious as to what my mate was doing to ensure it.
I didn’t dare ask, shrugging and fobbing him off whenever he questioned why I never brought girls home.
I had my fair share of female attention too, and yet whenever things seemed to be heading down that path, I’d find an excuse to avoid it.
I knew I couldn’t put it off forever. Eventually Declan would start to get suspicious.
We shared a damn caravan. I couldn’t get away with a wee white lie about my bedroom prowess.
One night at a particularly raucous party, I met Siobhan.
Why she had ended up in such a place I never did figure out, but she and I hit it off immediately.
She was ferociously funny with a sharp wit that put me at ease.
Joking around with Siobhan was like talking with my mates – nothing was too crude, no joke off-limits and we ripped on one another endlessly.
She was beautiful, too, but in a way that made me miss my ma. Unlike some of the wee geebags Declan bothered with, there were no airs or graces with her. She was curvy and soft, perhaps a little chubby by some people’s standards but I didn’t bat an eye.
Siobhan was the first girl I’d kissed that I actually remotely enjoyed being with and whilst there were no fireworks, I was confident I could grow to love her deeply… That was until the time came to get intimate together.
It was one night after yet another wild party that I bit the bullet and took Siobhan back to Declan’s caravan with me. I’d instructed my mate to give us some space and after taking the piss out of me mercilessly for a wee while, he’d eventually agreed to keep scarce.
Siobhan and I had left the bonfire early, disappearing into the dark as I dragged her, hand in hand, back to my bed.
“Y’sure Dec won’t mind?” she giggled, pausing just long enough to take her shoes off before following me inside.
“Nah, t’ say he owes me one is a feckin’ understatement. Feels like he’s got a different girl in here every night. I’d be glad of a wee rest from the hollering and moaning, like,” I laughed.
“Well…” The change in Siobhan’s tone had me gazing back at her curiously. “Hopefully not too much of a wee rest, aye? I wouldn’t mind doin’ some o’ me own hollering, if y’catch me drift?”
I felt myself growing hot and agitated. I scratched the back of my head. “Aye, well, I’ll do me best, now.”
Siobhan laughed, moving to wind her arms around my neck and pull me down into a passionate kiss. I let her guide me, feeling a little unsure and hesitant.
“Hey, now, is this y’first time?” Siobhan whispered with a smile.
“N-nah, nah,” I lied, clearing my throat. “I don’t get as much talent as Dec, but I do alright, like.”
Siobhan hummed. “Well, take it easy on me, aye? I’ve never done this before.”
My brows shot up. “Nah, y’coddin’.”
“Really, like!” She grinned. “I’d be bein’ serious wi’ ya.”
Somehow knowing Siobhan didn’t have a benchmark to measure me against bolstered my confidence and I moved in to kiss her again.
Soon enough we were both undressed, exploring one another.
In the dark it was easy to lose myself to the sensations and whilst I was still nervous, I was happy to note that my body was behaving itself just as it should.
I could have roared with happiness. Perhaps all of this had been in my head after all?
That wee magazine meant nothing. I could still be normal, and no one would ever have to know otherwise.
“Y’got a wee johnny, Johnny?” Siobhan huffed with a laugh.
Without a word, heart hammering in my chest, I hopped off the bed and grabbed the foil packet I had stashed in my jeans pocket for this very reason. Without Siobhan’s touch on me and my anxiety skyrocketing as I fiddled with the condom, my hard-on waned.
“Feck’s sake,” I muttered beneath my breath, frantically attempting to coax my body back to life. “C’mon!”
“Y’alright? Y’need a wee hand or—”
“Nah,” I snapped, unintentionally short with her. “I got it.”
Siobhan shrank back a little. “Aye, alright, like.”
I rolled the johnny on, practically thumbing myself into it and hastily pushed Siobhan over. We settled down in the bed, getting comfortable, but when she reached for my length, I felt her tense up.
“It’d need t’ be a wee bit spritelier than that, aye?”
I knew she was joking, but the insecurities I housed inside came rushing to the forefront of my mind.
I clambered on top of her, squeezing my eyes shut whilst kissing her firmly.
Seemingly without my permission, my imagination took over.
For the first time in a long time, memories of that centrefold returned to me.
I could see all the details as if I were staring right at it, ingrained in my mind as they were.
“Mm, that’s a wee bit better,” Siobhan purred. “C’mon, big boy, get it in.”
I did as I was told, the monumental moment of losing my virginity completely lost as I focussed on keeping my thoughts trained on the images in my head. I couldn’t slip up now.
The ride didn’t last long, just as was expected for a virgin. Allowing my mind to go places I hadn’t for some time, I was reminded anew of just how I’d gotten myself into this mess in the first place. The force of my climax left me shaking and gasping for breath, just as it always used to.
“That was quick,” Siobhan teased, kissing my neck. “Was it that good, now? Couldn’t hold yourself back?”
I knew she was only messing with me. Siobhan didn’t mean anything by it, but she didn’t know the cyclone of tempestuous emotions that was raging inside of me.
I rolled off her, shame and rage scalding me.
I scrubbed a hand through my hair before hastily snatching up my boxers from the floor.
I could feel Siobhan’s eyes on me, and it made me itchy.
“‘Ey, ya alright there, Johnny?” she asked, voice tight with concern.
“Aye,” I muttered. “Just, y’know, tired. I’d be gettin’ ya back home, like.”
“I mean, I thought I’d be stayin’ here, now. We could have a wee second round if ya—”
“Nah. Y’need to go.”
Siobhan’s confusion was palpable. The sensible part of me knew what I was doing was cruel. This wasn’t her fault, and she didn’t deserve to feel as if it was, but my humiliation overrode my better judgement.
Siobhan didn’t say another word. She hastily got herself redressed and let me escort her back across the camp to where her family were hitched up. As we approached, I slowed, hanging back.
“I’ll be seein’ ya, I guess?” I said, not in the least surprised when Siobhan stormed off, her arms wrapped around her body. She didn’t respond and I allowed her to leave, keeping watch until I knew she was safely back inside before heading home.
As soon as I was inside, I threw a vicious punch. My fist splintered a kitchen cupboard, panels of wood flying and I roared with fury. I glanced down at my knuckles, hand shaking, bloodied and already beginning to swell. Fuck, I was more like my da than I’d ever admit.
Already feeling like dog shite, that line of thought sent me spiralling and I sat down heavily at the edge of my bed with my head in my hands. I was broken. There was no escaping this. I didn’t deserve a girl like Siobhan. My da was right. I was nothing more than a fucking dirty, wee bender.
Siobhan wasn’t the last girl I attempted to ‘cure’ myself with, though she was the one I regretted hurting the most. As the years passed, I forced myself into hooking up with girls on a semi-regular basis, but I never made the mistake of befriending them again.
If anything, my new-found promiscuity put me in good standing with Declan and the other fellas.
Fucking and chucking geebags was the way it was done and that suited me just fine.
I was always keen to immediately forget them and hide behind the facade of masculine bravado, all too happy to be labelled a ‘player’.
No one suspected the truth, and I was desperate to keep it that way.