Chapter Twelve #2
Feeling like the world was resting on my shoulders, I wandered back to my caravan. The fair was in town, the town was heaving, drinks were flowing… and yet I didn’t have an appetite for any of it. I just wanted to lie down.
Back inside my gaff, I emptied my pockets out on the countertop, my eyes drifting to Tess’s phone.
I’d found it in her house with its battery dead and screen smashed and brought it back with me.
I hadn’t honestly expected it to still be working after whatever Declan had done to it, and yet as soon as I’d plugged it in, it had booted up right as rain.
I kept it on loud, fully charged in the vain hope that one day it might ring and put an end to this fucking nightmare.
I threw myself down on my bed and tapped on Ronan’s contact before holding my phone to my ear. It rang a few times before he answered.
“Just the fella I always want t’ hear from. Howsagoin’?”
Just hearing his voice had tears welling in my eyes and despite the ache in my chest I smiled, hoping Ronan wouldn’t be able to tell I was crying.
“‘Ey, there he is. Y’doin’ alright, like?”
“Aye, just enjoying the sun wi’ a beer. What ‘bout yourself? Been down t’ the fair?” he asked.
“Nah. Don’t much feel like it, now,” I sighed, wiping my eyes.
“Aye, I get that.”
We chatted easily for a little while about nothing in particular.
Ronan distracted me, telling me about the places they’d been or where they were headed next and it felt like a salve to my soul.
It was amazing how much happier I became just for talking with Ronan.
God, I wished he was here with me. I needed him.
“How’s Declan doin’?”
I should have known that question was coming. It was good of him to ask, even if I really didn’t want to talk about it.
“Jaysus, worse, fella. Much worse,” I sighed.
“Feckin’ hell. What’s goin’ on?”
“I… I can’t be sure, but I’d be fairly certain he burnt Tess’s wee place to the ground.”
“What the feck? Y’serious?” I could hear the surprise in Ronan’s voice. “No one hurt, now?”
“Nah. Not this time, at least,” I muttered. “Feck, Ronan, he’s not in a good place. He’s just fallin’ further an’ further an’ I don’t—”
That familiar panic began to rise inside me, and I tried to calm my breathing. Luckily, Ronan had my back.
“‘Ey, now. Take it easy. Deep breaths,” he murmured softly. “Y’doin’ the best y’can, like. Just carry on bein’ a good friend. That’s all y’can do.”
Fresh tears welled and I draped my arm over my face, my lower lip wobbling. I was thrown back in time, to all the times I’d felt helpless as a kid. I supposed you were never truly past trauma inflicted at a young age and I fought against myself, trying to keep myself together.
“I feckin’ miss you, aye,” I said, voice shaking and betraying me.
“Jaysus,” Ronan sighed. “Y’need me t’ get back there? I will, like. I’d be gettin’ a wee van tonight an’—”
It was something he offered on a regular basis and as much as I really wanted him here, I refused to drag him into this. I loved him too much. The best place for him was with his family.
“Nah, nah,” I replied, clearing my throat. “Sorry. It’s been a hard day, like. Just gotten the better of me, that’s all. I’ll be alright after gettin’ me head down.”
I could tell from the frustrated huff at the other end of the phone that Ronan didn’t believe me for a second, but he let it drop. “Y’still not sleepin’ well?”
“Gettin’ a few hours here an’ there, like.”
“That’s not enough an’ y’know it.”
“Aye, thanks Ma,” I teased, a soft smile working its way onto my face when I heard him laugh.
“Y’can cut that out right now.”
“A’right, a’right,” I sighed. “Listen, I’d best be goin’. Let y’get on wi’ y’day.”
“Aye, okay. Y’take it easy now, y’hear? Gimme a bell whenever y’need t’ talk.”
I nodded, scrubbing a hand over my face. “I will, now. Speak t’ ya in a bit?”
“Quality, an’ John-Francis?”
“Aye?”
“I love ya.”
That fucking aching was back in an instant, and I closed my eyes. “I love ya, too. Catch ya later.”
“Bye, now.”
I allowed my phone to drop from my hand and lay still and silent on my back, staring up at the ceiling.
Ronan was right – I was doing all I could to help Declan, but it didn’t feel like it was enough.
I was losing my mate, I could sense him slipping away from me and the harder I tried to hold on to him, the harder he fought me.
I sat up, gaze returning to Tess’s phone on the side.
“C’mon, Tess,” I said, voice quiet as I spoke aloud to myself, praying with all that was in me. “He needs ya. Come back t’ him. Feck, come back t’ him – before it’s too late.”
A few days passed by in a blur. I kept trying to reach out to Declan, even when he continually pushed me away.
He was drinking so much, I wasn’t sure how he was still with us.
Seamus had been supplying him with the odd baggie of weed, hoping it would help to mellow him out.
Weed seemed like the lesser of two evils when Declan’s alternative was a whole bottle of whiskey and passing out in a pool of his own vomit.
I was run ragged, at the very limit of what I was able to cope with. It was only my calls to Ronan that got me through. Hearing his voice was the highlight of my days and whenever I felt like I was spiralling and losing sight of what I was trying to do, he grounded me.
After checking in on Declan and getting no response from him, other than a string of slurred profanities, I decided to go for a wee walk to clear my head. I let my feet lead me, giving no thought to where I was headed until I found myself beside the river.
This place reminded me of Ronan. It was quiet now, no horses in sight, but the day we’d spent sitting here in the sun, chatting shite and ripping Darragh for getting sunburnt had been one of the happiest of my life.
I sat myself down on the rocks, just as we’d done that day and watched the water.
Dragonflies zipped back and forth, their iridescent bodies glinting in the light of the sun.
I’d been sitting there for hours, simply allowing my mind to be silent, to decompress.
Worry, fear and stress was the only thing waiting for me back at the camp, that much was certain of .
My phone began to ring, and it took me far longer than it should have to realise I didn’t recognise the ringtone.
Electricity shot through me in an instant.
It wasn’t my phone that was ringing, it was Tess’s.
I hastily got to my feet and fumbled around in my pockets. I’d almost not brought it with me today, berating myself for clinging to the hope that it might one day ring… I pulled it free, an unknown number showing on the screen, and answered it.
“Tess?”
“John-Francis. You’ve got my phone?”
Hearing her voice was like a crashing wave. Relief poured over me and I sagged, barely able to remain standing.
“Jaysus feckin’ Christ, Tess,” I breathed. “It’s so good t’ hear from ya. I got y’phone, aye. Found it in the woods, like. Kept it charged up, hopin’ ya’d call.”
There was a long silence. I pulled the phone away from my ear. The call was still connected.
“Tess? Y’still there, now?”
“Yes,” she replied, voice all but a whisper. “Sorry, yes I’m still here.”
I had so many things I wanted to say, so many questions. I didn’t know where to start.
“Where are ya, now? Are y’safe?”
“I’m in London. I’m fine, I promise.” Tess paused. “Well, as fine as I can be.”
That made sense. Tess’s Ma lived in the city. I’d tried to convince Declan to head that way to try and chase her down, but he’d long since decided he’d rather strew in his own misery by then.
“We figured y’might have run back t’ London, like,” I said, wave after wave of relief hitting me. I needed to fill her in on everything that had happened. “God, it’s good t’ be hearin’ y’voice. Tess, y’gotta get back here. Y’just gotta.”
“I can’t…” she whimpered. “Not after what I’ve done.”
Before I could stop it, a bark of laughter escaped me.
“What ya’ve done? Y’mean that wee incident with Pearl, like?
Y’heard she’s okay? Sore and bitter as feck, but she’s just fine.
In fact, we haven’t heard a peep from her since she got back from the hospital, now.
She upped and disappeared with her caravan a few weeks back and no one has seen her since.
” I paused. It was important Tess knew she was still welcome here.
She did such a good job of blending is with us, I often forgot she was a wee buffer and knew nothing of traveller life.
“Y’did well, like. Showed that wee cunt and the rest o’ her geebag mates y’not t’ be messed with. ”
“B-but I’m an outsider… I thought for sure you’d all be furious with me,” she spluttered.
“Feckin’ hell, is that why ya ran off, now?
‘Cause y’thought we’d be ragin’ with ya?
” I laughed. I hadn’t given Pearl a second thought.
As soon as we’d found out she was going to live, I’d gone back to not giving a shit about her or her hoor mates.
Girls like her were trouble and deserved everything they got.
“I stabbed Pearl. Several times. There was so much blood, I thought I’d killed her. I’ve been on tenterhooks for weeks, expecting the police to be kicking down my door!” I
Tess argued. I could hear her voice shaking as she lost control of herself.
“That’s not how we deal with things, Tess. Y’should know that by now, like. Ya’ve done enough shady shite with us ta know, aye?” I cleared my throat. “Bedsides, y’Declan’s girl. Y’got his ring on ya finger. Ya one of us.”
A sob burst from the other end of the phone, but I couldn’t allow Tess even a moment to compose herself. She had to know what was going on. She was the only one who could help Declan now. I took a deep, steadying breath.