Chapter 19
nineteen
HUNTER
I’m in hell.
Sitting beside my mother’s still form, not knowing if she’ll ever open her eyes again, if I’ll ever hear her voice or be able to tell her how much she means to me, is pure fucking hell. Combined with the general PTSD-tinged experience of being in a hospital ICU, I would like nothing more than someone to lean on as I sit vigil.
I want Elaina here with me.
I want it so badly, it turns my stomach.
Whether she’s been lying to me or not, I have to get a fucking grip. I’m not the type of man who falls apart when I’m on my own. I excel at being on my own. I’ve never met a situation I couldn’t handle, solo, and the fact that I doubted my ability to navigate this without Elaina for a single second is all the proof I need that a serious reevaluation is in order.
Even if she had no idea what my mother was planning, it’s time to put some emotional space between myself and this woman who’s slipped past more of my defenses in a few weeks than other women have managed in months of dating. We’re moving way too fast. Pumping the brakes will be good for both of us, give us time to make sure we’re actually a good fit before we rush into a long-term commitment.
And if she has been lying to me…
I push the thought aside and force myself to hit the cafeteria before it closes, grabbing a stale turkey sandwich. I eat it without tasting a single bite, then return to my mother’s side, grateful for the nurse who drops off a pillow and blanket on her way to clock out for the night.
I don’t expect to sleep, but the pillow makes the stiff armchair slightly more comfortable, and I appreciate the blanket in the chill, conditioned air.
I only close my eyes for a second, but when the steady beep of the heart monitor pulls me from a fitful rest hours later, pale sunlight is visible through the drawn curtains behind me.
I lift my head, wincing as my neck twinges in protest, and for a second, I’m not sure what woke me. But then I look up to see Mom’s eyes open and fixed on my face.
“Mom? You’re awake.” My voice cracks as I lean forward, taking her hand. “Can you hear me? Do you remember what happened?”
“Hunter.” Her voice is barely a whisper, but it’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. “So good to see you…baby.”
I fight the sob rising in my chest. “Good to see you, too, Mom. Let me get the nurse. They’ll want to check on you now that you’re awake.” But before I can reach for the call button, the new nurse on the morning shift—Linda, according to her name tag—appears in the doorway.
“Well, hello there! I saw our stats were looking better on the monitor, and wanted to come check on you Ms. Mendelssohn.” Linda moves to the bed with efficient grace. “So happy to see you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.”
My mom’s lips curve in a stiff smile. “I don’t know about that. But I’m…alive.”
“That you are,” Linda chirps, her positive energy encouraging. “And the fact that you came to on your own without any intervention on our end is a great sign! Now, let’s check your vitals, and then I’ll go call Dr. Garrett. He asked to be alerted as soon as there was any change in your status.”
I watch as Linda performs a series of checks, my heart in my throat. She tests Mom’s vitals, then her grip strength and her pupil response, before asking her to wiggle her toes, praising her every step of the way.
Each small success eases the tension in my chest.
“Amazing work,” Linda says, her smile even wider than it was before. “Dr. Garrett is going to be thrilled with this report.” She adjusts something on one of the monitors. “Is there anything I can get you before I make that call? Another pillow? More blankets? Fresh socks? We have some fluffier styles that might keep your toes cozier than the grippy ones.”
“Just water. Please?” Mom asks, her voice still thin, but stronger than it was before.
“Absolutely.” Linda fetches the cup on the bedside table, helping her take small sips through a straw. “Not too much at first. We need to take it slow until we see how your stomach’s doing.” After she sets the cup back on the table, she turns to me, adding, “Give her five minutes or so. If there’s no nausea, she can have another sip or two.”
I nod. “Got it. Thank you.”
After she leaves to summon Dr. Garrett, I recapture Mom’s hand, cradling it between both of mine. “So glad you’re awake, Mom. You have no idea.”
She gives my fingers a faint squeeze as her forehead furrows. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I… I thought… But I should have told you.”
“Don’t worry, Mom. We don’t have to talk about that now,” I assure her. “There will be time to discuss all that later. For now, we just need to focus on?—”
“No, I want to explain,” she cuts in. “I was trying to protect you. I didn’t want to give you false hope. I know how hard it’s been…this battle. You seemed to have finally found some peace and acceptance.” She pulls in a breath, clearly tired by the short speech. “I didn’t want to take that away. But I still…I wanted to try one more time.”
I study her face, keeping my expression neutral. “I can understand that. But I’m not a child.”
Her lips tremble into a faint smile. “Yes, you are. You’re my child. Always.”
“And you’re the most important person in the world to me,” I say, my throat tight with emotion. “Fuck peace and acceptance. I want to be in the battle with you. I want to be there for you. I need to be there for you.”
“I know,” she says, squeezing my hand again, more strength in her grip than there was before. “I realized that as soon as I saw you asleep by the bed. I’m sorry. I hope you’ll forgive me.”
“Of course, Mom. I’m just so glad you’re doing better,” I say, even as my thoughts circle the thought of “forgiveness.”
I should let this go, but a sick part of me can’t. I need to know if Elaina was in on this lie, and I already know my mother won’t tell me.
Not if I ask her flat-out, anyway…
I nod, adding in a casual tone, “Elaina explained your reasons for keeping the decision from me last night. I had a hard time wrapping my head around it at first, but…” I trail off, my stomach balling into a knot as guilt creeps into her gaze.
“I’m sorry about that, too,” she says. “I shouldn’t have asked her to keep a secret from you. I just wanted someone close to you to know what was happening, just in case…” Her lips curve again. “But I’m glad she was able to explain.” She glances around the room. “Is she still here? Or did she go home to get some rest? She’s such a sweet girl.”
Bile rises in my throat.
A sweet girl…
I don’t think there’s anything “sweet” about a woman professing to love me and then keeping me in the dark about my mother’s life-threatening surgery, but Mom and I will have to agree to disagree about that one.
I have no idea how long Elaina’s known, but if she kept this from me even for a day, that was a day too many. Bare minimum, she should have come clean yesterday when we got the call to come to the hospital. But she just stood there beside me, pretending to be as shocked by Katie’s explanation as I was.
She’s a liar. A really good one.
And if she lied about this, who knows what else she’s lied about. I have no idea. All I know for sure is that I’m not interested in being deceived again.
“Yeah, she went home,” I say, forcing a smile that feels brittle on my face. “But I’ll call her as soon as we hear more from Dr. Garrett. I’m sure she’ll want to know that you’re awake and on the mend.”
And then I’ll tell her to pack her things and get the fuck out of my house, I add silently.
I’ll put her up in a hotel somewhere until I figure out the best way to remove her from the equation. I don’t want to upset Mom by ending our fake engagement so soon after her surgery, but there’s no longer any future for Elaina and myself outside of our original contract. She can continue to play the devoted fiancée once or twice a week, when we see my mother, if she wants, and we’ll peacefully end things as soon as Mom’s strong enough to handle learning that I’m single again.
A break-up is inevitable at this point. Now that she’s had this surgery, Mom might actually make a full recovery. In light of that, there’s no longer an “end date” in sight for my arrangement with Elaina, the way there was before.
The sooner she knows that, the better.
An hour later, after an encouraging meeting with Dr. Garrett, Linda turns on the television while she puts in an order for some broth from the cafeteria. While Mom watches a musical she’s seen at least a hundred times on the Classic Movies Channel, I pull out my phone, composing and deleting several messages to Elaina before settling on— Mom’s awake and doing well. I’ll be home for a shower and to grab some things for her soon. I’ll text you when I’m on my way.
Despite the fact that it’s barely six-thirty in the morning, her response is immediate— Thank God! Oh Hunter, that’s such amazing news! I’m so thrilled to hear it. Tell Margaret I’m sending all my good energy her way and can’t wait to visit later. Love you and see you soon.
A sour taste rising in my throat, I turn off my phone without responding. She really is good. Even better than I thought when I hired her to put her lying skills to work on my behalf.
And she’s clearly not feeling an ounce of remorse.
“Was that Elaina?” My mother’s voice pulls me from my thoughts.
“Yes, she’s so happy to hear you’re awake,” I say, forcing warmth into my tone. “I told her I’d be home in a little while to grab a shower and would fill her in on all the details. Though I’m not sure she’ll be able to make it back to the hospital with me today. She’s been a little under the weather and doesn’t want to risk giving you a cold while you’re still recovering.”
Mom’s brow furrows. “Of course. That’s all right. Tell her I hope she feels better soon.”
“I will,” I promise.
I’ll tell Elaina that my mother wishes her well, and then I’ll tell her goodbye.
Forever.