Chapter 11 #3
‘Around four months.’ The oncologist had run a hand through his salt-and-pepper hair, checking the information on the computer screen in front of him, before turning back to the family.
‘And whilst that might not sound all that long, there’s no way of knowing what it might mean in terms of the spread of your cancer, Donna. ’
‘Okay, but surely the assessment process isn’t all that much quicker?’ Their mother had folded her arms then, daring the doctor to say otherwise, but he shook his head for a second time.
‘Actually, it can take as little as two weeks and, if it was me, with a pre-existing autoimmune condition like yours, I think I know what option I’d go for.’
‘Even if someone wanted to hack one of your children’s livers up to do it?’ Donna had folded her arms even more tightly and Briony had briefly caught her sister’s eye again, this time a look of unspoken understanding seemed to pass between them. They’d do whatever it took to save their mum’s life.
‘Whilst I accept that no operation is without risk, if it meant I could stay in my children’s lives for longer, I think I would be more than willing to at least go through the assessment, and then take it from there.’
Donna had made a harumphing kind of noise in response to the doctor’s comments and had swiftly moved the conversation on to focus on chemotherapy as a treatment option.
Now they were back outside the waiting room and somehow their mother was radiating enough tension for the awkwardness between Briony and Bex to pale into insignificance.
‘Okay, I did what you asked and spoke to the doctor, but nothing he said did anything to convince me.’ Donna had never been a strict kind of parent, even though she’d had to be both mother and father, and good cop/bad cop to her daughters, but right now there was an undeniably firm edge to her voice.
‘How can you say that when—’ Bex began launching into an equally firm response, but Ken cut her off.
‘Let’s not have this conversation here. We entertained the waiting room enough before the appointment. Why don’t we all go and get a coffee in the cafeteria and talk about it there?’
‘What, all of us? Together?’ Donna looked from Bex to Briony and back again. It took a leap of faith for Briony to respond, but when she did there was an echo, her sister giving exactly the same response as she did.
‘Yes.’
‘Come on, Don, you can’t tell me you’re not going to take up an offer like that; sitting down for a coffee with both your daughters at the same time.’ It turned out Ken was capable of anything too, even emotional blackmail, when it came to trying to persuade his wife to do the sensible thing.
‘Okay, but not the cafeteria, I’m not drinking any of that dishwater. Linda and Gwen have told me that the only place to get decent coffee around here is the hospital shop.’
‘That’s where we’ll go then, Mum.’ Bex slid her arm through Donna’s, leaving Briony to fall in step with Ken and trail behind them.
But Briony couldn’t expect miracles, and just sitting down around the same table as her sister was something she’d never dreamt would be possible again.
It was just a tragedy that it had to come at such a high price.
Having coffee with her mother and sister, more than a decade and a half since the last time they’d done it was always going to be awkward.
Making small talk in circumstances like this would have been next to impossible, even if they weren’t trying to persuade Donna to do something she was adamant she didn’t want to do.
What was Briony supposed to say that wouldn’t somehow heighten the tension even further?
She couldn’t ask after Matt and the boys, because she knew Bex would immediately shut down the conversation if she did, and she was terrified of accidentally revealing how much she already knew about them, because of Tristan.
She’d been terrified that he might already have told Bex that the person he’d invited on to the farm, going under the name of Holly Day, had in fact been her estranged sister, but she was almost certain he hadn’t.
Bex was too calm, as if she’d been able to process everything she knew about Briony a long time ago.
The conversation was horribly stilted nonetheless and the atmosphere about as awkward as it was possible to be.
All of them desperately trying not to acknowledge not just one, but two elephants in the room: the feud between the sisters, and the desperate need to get Donna to change her mind before it was too late.
After about five minutes Briony couldn’t stand it any more, which only left one option.
‘Right then, Mum. So we’ll go and do the assessment and see what the options are.’ Briony kept her tone light, almost as though her mother had already agreed to the plan, in the hope that might convince her that she had. She should have known better.
‘Absolutely no way. I told the doctor I’m not letting anyone carve either you or Bex up for my benefit.’
‘And he told you that’s not what happens.’ Bex had said exactly what Briony had been about to say, but their mother was already shaking her head.
‘I don’t care; it’s not a risk I’m willing to take. Your lives are too precious.’
‘Mine isn’t.’ Briony’s reply came out before she could censor it and she didn’t miss the look of shock on the faces of the others, but now she’d started she had to finish.
‘Because of my actions, I’ve caused a horrendous rift, which means this is the first time we’ve sat around a table together in sixteen years.
I don’t want that to be the only role I’ve played in this family. ’
‘And I don’t want you to put your life at risk because of—’
‘Mum, please.’ It was Briony’s turn to cut her off this time.
‘I’m not talking about putting my life at risk.
All I’m asking for is a chance to do the right thing for once.
I just want us to register an interest in doing the transplant and go for the assessment.
If I’m not suitable, that will be the end of that, the universe will have decided it’s not meant to be, and we can all stop nagging you. ’
‘But what if you are suitable?’ Donna’s arms were back to being tightly folded across her chest again, but Briony had seen a softening in her expression and her tone was nowhere near as sharp as it had been before.
‘If I’m suitable, and the assessment process has done enough to reassure you that I’m not putting my life at risk by donating, then we go through with it.
’ She held her mother’s gaze for a moment and, when Donna didn’t answer straight away, she pressed on.
Having got this close to getting her mother to agree, she wasn’t going to let it slip through her fingers.
‘Please, Mum, if you let me do this, I might finally be able to believe that I’ve done something worthwhile with my life. ’
She hadn’t meant to admit to any of that.
She hadn’t meant to glance in Bex’s direction either, and see the furrow of her sister’s brow, or the sympathetic tilt of her head that had probably been involuntary.
Briony didn’t want anyone, least of all Bex, to feel sorry for her.
She’d chosen a life of solitude and most of the time she was okay with it, but there was nothing like comparing herself to Bex to hammer home just how meaningless her life was in comparison.
It wasn’t that she thought a single life without children was fundamentally less meaningful, but her existence was.
Bex wasn’t just a wife and a mother of three, she was running two businesses which contributed something significant to the community, and she’d spent her whole life surrounded by the friends she’d grown up with.
She mattered to people in a way that Briony never had.
So many people would miss Bex if she was gone.
Briony’s online posts might be missed at first, but someone else would soon come along to fill the gap.
She wasn’t irreplaceable to anyone in the way her sister was, except her mum and stepdad, but even their lives were far more centred around Bex and her family than they were around Briony.
Bex was a better person in every way and, just like their mother, she put other people first. Briony wasn’t even sure whether her desire to donate part of her liver to Donna was entirely altruistic, or whether some of the motivation came from not being able to face losing the only person who truly loved her, no matter what she might have done.
Briony had the life she deserved, but it was the life she’d chosen too.
She didn’t want sympathy from Bex and she definitely didn’t want her mother to feel bad for her, so she had to say something to make sure they didn’t.
‘I’ve had more fun and freedom than anyone is entitled to, but if you let me donate part of my liver too, it’ll mean my life has been about more than just having fun.
’ Briony didn’t look at her sister this time, instead letting herself imagine the expression of disdain on Bex’s face.
She’d rather Bex thought she was shallow and frivolous, than let her see just how hard it was to sit across the table from her, longing to feel some kind of genuine connection again.
Briony had dreamt about this moment for so long, but it had never looked like this in her imagination, and she couldn’t allow her face or her words to betray just how hard this was.
Their mother’s recovery was the only thing that really mattered, and if she did or said anything to derail the chances of that, Bex was going to end up hating her even more than she did already.
‘I just don’t know if I can.’ Donna bit her lip. She was definitely wavering, but Briony had no idea what else to say to help push things over the line. Thankfully, someone else did.