Chapter 11 #4
‘Like I said before, it might even be the fresh start we all need if Briony does this. A chance to put the past in the past.’ Bex widened her eyes, her gaze not leaving their mother’s face and Briony had to take a couple of steadying breaths as she watched them both.
If she hadn’t heard her sister’s words for herself, she’d never have believed them.
She hadn’t even dared to hope for this, and she could still barely allow herself to do so, but a warm feeling was spreading inside her all the same, and she wasn’t sure whether she wanted to laugh or cry.
‘Okay.’ Donna released the word on a long breath, her whole body seeming to go limp. ‘I’ll go for the assessment, but I’m not making any promises.’
‘Oh, thank God.’ Ken’s voice cracked, tears streaming down his face, and Briony finally felt able to give into her own tears too, as they all hugged Donna in turn.
Finding a complete cure for her mother was like asking for a miracle, but it was one that might be within their grasp.
After what Bex had just said about the possibility of a fresh start, miracles suddenly didn’t feel anywhere near as impossible to find, and she was already smiling through her tears.
‘Bex, wait!’ She didn’t need to turn around to know who was calling her name, but she didn’t stop or even slow down.
She just wanted to get back to her car, drive home and hug her family to remind herself of everything she had, and convince herself that it didn’t matter whether Briony was a part of that equation or not.
She’d been overcome with relief when her mother had finally agreed to have the assessment for the transplant, but there’d been no euphoria.
There were too many other emotions swirling around her head and the guilt that had been ever present since she’d decided to do whatever it took to make her mum see sense, threatened to overwhelm her.
Bex had said what she thought her mother needed to hear, despite knowing that she was deliberately deceiving Donna.
She hated lying, especially after everything that had happened with Briony and Liam, and it had left her feeling almost dirty, as though she needed a shower before she could embrace her husband and sons.
Bex was always telling her boys that she wouldn’t be angry with them about anything that happened, as long as they told her the truth.
She’d lectured them about the way that lies could so easily snowball and get out of hand, and she had a horrible feeling that’s what was happening.
She’d assumed that Briony was complicit in deceiving their mother, but the look on her face had said otherwise.
If Bex’s suspicions were right, it meant she was the one manipulating everyone else.
She hated the thought that might be true, because for so long, she’d seen herself as the innocent victim of Briony’s actions and the idea that they might have swapped roles made her feel sick.
She wasn’t ready to see the possibility of hope in Briony’s eyes, because she couldn’t offer her any.
There’d been moments when Bex had almost wanted to hug her sister, who’d sounded so vulnerable and alone, but she still didn’t trust that any of it was true.
Being around Briony was like a constant fight between her head and her heart, and Bex suddenly felt too exhausted to face another moment in the other woman’s company.
It would be far easier to keep going and not stop until she was safely inside her car, but she wasn’t nearly fast enough.
‘Bex!’ Briony was so close now her voice vibrated in Bex’s ear, a split second before placing a hand on her shoulder, finally forcing her to stop. ‘I just wanted to say thank you.’
‘For what?’ She still couldn’t bear to look at Briony for any length of time.
She was probably even more beautiful now than she’d been in her early twenties, a fact that seemed grossly unfair when her actions had been so ugly, but there was more to Bex’s avoidance than that.
Much to her surprise, she didn’t want to be the cause of any pain or disappointment on her sister’s face.
She no longer wanted the revenge she’d fantasised about when they finally came face to face again, but she wasn’t willing to tell any more lies either and she knew the truth would probably hurt Briony. She just wanted to walk away.
‘For agreeing to sit around the same table as me and for saying this could be a fresh start for all of us.’ Even without looking at Briony, she could hear the smile in her voice.
For just the briefest of moments it crossed her mind that she could go along with it, at least until after Donna’s operation, but that would make her no better than Briony had been all those years ago.
Even though what Bex was about to say wasn’t out of malice, it was still going to cause Briony pain and, as much as she didn’t want to do that, it felt like she had no choice.
‘I know it probably sounded like I meant it, but the truth is I’d have been willing to say anything I thought I had to in order to get Mum to agree to the transplant.
’ Pausing, she forced herself to look directly at Briony.
She’d got herself into this and she had to deal with the consequences.
Coming face to face with Briony had brought up a lot of emotions, some of which had taken her by surprise, but one thing remained constant, she still didn’t trust Briony, no matter how much she might wish she could.
Bex’s head was winning over her heart, and she wasn’t going to pretend she saw any hope for a reconciliation, when she couldn’t work out what would need to happen to make that possible.
It wasn’t always easy being honest, but she wasn’t going to back down from a situation she’d created.
‘I lied to Mum about thinking this could be a second chance for us all, because I knew that’s what it would take for her to be willing to go ahead.
Deep down you must realise it’s far too late for us to try and rebuild anything.
I just can’t risk everything I’ve got by letting you back into my life. ’
‘Why would you be risking anything? It’s not as if—’
‘You’d sleep with the man I love?’ Bex’s response had been almost instinctive, the words coming out of her mouth before she could stop them.
That wasn’t what she feared any more. As much as it had taken her years to fully trust Matt, she was as sure now as anyone ever could be that he’d never betray her, least of all with her estranged sister.
What she feared was being let down by Briony again, in some other way.
Or far worse than that, her children being let down by their aunt, like Bex and Briony had so often been let down by their father.
Her boys had been surrounded by love their whole lives and never once encountered someone close to them who made them doubt their worth.
How could she take the chance that they might experience that, if she brought Briony into their lives?
She was just too big a risk, she always had been.
Bex just wished she could have found a way of conveying that far more eloquently, instead of reverting to old pain to hammer her point home.
Briony recoiled as if she’d been slapped, her breath audibly catching, but the haste with which she regained her composure took Bex by surprise all over again.
‘That’s not something I’d ever do, but you’re right.
We’re all just doing what we have to, aren’t we?
To get Mum to have the operation. I just wanted to say thanks for gritting your teeth and getting through it with me there.
It can’t have been easy.’ If Bex hadn’t seen the expression on Briony’s face, the moment she’d admitted that none of the things she’d promised about a reconciliation were true, she’d have had no idea that Briony was the one pretending now.
She hadn’t known that Bex was lying about making a fresh start.
She’d bought into the lie, hook, line and sinker, just as Bex had bought into her sister’s deceit all those years ago, genuinely believing they’d do anything for each other.
Maybe they weren’t so different after all.
Even as the thought crossed Bex’s mind, she dismissed it.
She’d lied to save their mother, but Briony had lied because she’d wanted to, that was the difference between them that she was desperately trying to hang on to.
‘Gritting my teeth about sums it up, but once Mum is through this, it will all be over and we’ll never have to see each other again.
’ Bex’s words might have sounded cruel, but she didn’t want to leave any room to doubt that she meant them.
She hadn’t been certain how she would react until she’d seen Briony face to face again, but it was the love that she’d hadn’t known was still there that had been the deciding factor in the end.
She’d had no idea it even existed until a few moments ago, when she’d realised that she didn’t want revenge, because she didn’t want to be the cause of pain for anyone she loved.
She’d never have believed it, but deep down she still had some form of love for Briony, almost as if it was embedded in her DNA.
It made allowing her back into Bex’s life a million times riskier than if she’d felt ambivalent about Briony.
The people you loved were always the ones capable of hurting you most deeply, and Bex had a horrible feeling her sons would find it all too easy to love Briony too.
That was how her decision had shifted from being unsure if she could ever allow Briony into their lives, to being absolutely certain, within a matter of minutes.
As she turned her back and continued towards her car, Briony called out a response: ‘It’ll all be over soon. Thank God.’
There was something about the way Briony said it that made the words seem every bit as final as the sentiment behind them, but then she’d always had a gift for the dramatic.
Bex should have just shrugged it off as a result, but those pesky feelings, that seemed so determined to rise up from the depths, weren’t easy to quieten down and she gave an involuntary shudder at the thought of anything bad happening to Briony.
She didn’t want that, no matter what had happened between them, and she knew she’d be worrying about both Briony and their mother until they were safely on the other side of the op.
Once they were, things could go back to normal, with Bex and Briony living completely separate lives.
She was certain now that that was for the best and she couldn’t imagine anything happening to make her change her mind.