Chapter 15 #2
‘Sorry, Ken.’ She shook her head again as she cut him off.
‘We’ve had this conversation several times already and I know you mean well, but I’ve also had this conversation with Matt and I’m comfortable with my decision.
Briony and I haven’t had a relationship for the last sixteen years and it’s too late to go back now. ’
‘It’s never too late, until it really is, and I don’t want you to have any regrets.
’ Ken held her gaze, until she was forced to blink.
Her eyes stinging with unshed tears again.
No one seemed to understand that there would always be a huge regret in her life that she and Briony had fallen out so decisively, but some things just couldn’t be undone.
‘I promise that whatever happens I won’t regret not going to see her tonight.
’ Bex said the words just as determinedly as she always had done, but she deliberately dropped her gaze to make sure Ken wouldn’t realise it if something in her expression gave her away.
The truth was she was nowhere near as sure as she had been that she wouldn’t regret the chance to talk to Briony, if this was her final opportunity, but she had to stick to her guns.
If she let her guard down, even a little bit, and experienced a hint of that bond she used to share with Briony, she didn’t think she’d be able to close the door on it again.
If felt like it was all or nothing, and, as sad as it was, nothing still felt safer.
Pulling back from her stepfather, Bex glanced at her watch. ‘Can I go and see Mum now?’
It was already past 7 p.m. and well into visiting hours, which would finish at 9 p.m. She didn’t want to waste any more time talking about Briony when she could be spending it with her mum.
‘Of course, sweetheart. I’ll take you up and then I’ll go and see Briony.
They’re on the same ward, but I warned the doctors how wobbly your mum was about going through with the transplant and that I didn’t think it was a good idea to keep them side by side.
Seeing Briony undergoing tests and checks right next to her is just going to make her panic even more.
So it means you won’t have to see Briony unless you choose to. ’
‘I won’t.’ Bex was already moving towards the stairs, not looking back in any sense.
Bex had spent most of the time with her mum filling her in on everything the boys had been up to since she’d been in London, but she’d agreed with Ken that he would get the last half an hour of visiting time with her.
She’d decided not to stay too, because she knew her mum would urge her to go off and visit Briony and it was a conversation she was keen not to have with Donna.
If it was wrong to allow her mum to think she was going to see Briony when she left her bedside, then she’d have to be wrong, because the last thing she wanted was to upset her mother on the night before her op.
Lying by omission might still be lying, but sometimes it was kinder than telling the truth.
There were some things she needed to say to her mum before she left though.
‘It’s all going to be okay.’ Bex took her mother’s hand as she spoke. ‘You’ll be home before you know it and the cancer will be gone, and you’ll get to see your beloved boys become men. I just know it.’
‘I do too.’ Her mother’s eyes had gone glassy, but she was smiling. ‘I still wasn’t sure it was the right thing, but your sister told me what Tom said when he went to see her.’
‘What did he say?’ Even as she asked the question, Bex wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer.
She hated the thought that Briony had shared a moment with her youngest son that she knew nothing about, like a cuckoo taking over another bird’s nest, and it wouldn’t be the first time Briony had tried to push Bex out of her own life.
‘He said the only thing he wanted for his birthday was for me to get better, because he wouldn’t be able to be happy if I died.’
‘She told him you might die?’ Bex’s voice rose, heat sweeping up her neck and her jaw muscles taut with rage at the thought that Briony had overstepped yet another boundary, but her mother was shaking her head.
‘He overheard the whole conversation you and Matt were having, not just the fact that he had an auntie he knew nothing about.’ Her mother’s tone was even, but somehow it still sounded like an accusation. Bex bit her bottom lip hard, refusing to let Briony cause any tension between her and Donna.
‘Tom is a bit too good at eavesdropping. We’ll have to be more careful.’ She squeezed her mother’s hand again. ‘But he’s right, the only gift any of us want is to have you well again.’
‘I’m incredibly lucky to be so loved.’
‘It’s not luck, you’ve earned it. You’ve been the best mum I could ever have asked for and the best nan too.
We all love you so much and I’m so grateful for all the sacrifices you’ve made to give me the life I ended up with.
If I can be half the mum to the boys that you’ve been to me, I’ll be so happy. ’
‘You and your sister are my greatest achievements, and you’re the best mum I know.’ It was Donna who squeezed her hand this time. ‘I’m so glad you got the beautiful family you deserve. I know things haven’t always been easy, but it makes you think that sometimes things happen for a reason.’
‘Mmmm.’ She didn’t want to respond, especially given the fact that her mother had been diagnosed with cancer, and she couldn’t for the life of her think what possible reason there could be for that.
Although she had a horrible feeling if she brought that up, her mum would say something about it bringing her and Briony together again.
That wasn’t going to happen. After the operation she could be honest about that, but for now all she wanted to do was get through this conversation and make sure her mum knew that she wouldn’t have swapped a single moment they’d shared for anything else.
‘I’m so lucky you’re my mum, and nan to my boys, and we need you to come home as soon as you can. ’
‘I will, my love, I promise.’
‘I heard that promise.’ Bex turned at the sound of Ken’s voice behind her. ‘And I know my wife never breaks a promise to the people she loves.’
‘Never.’ Donna held out her other hand to her husband. ‘How’s Briony?’
‘She’s really good. Keen just to get the operation done, so that she knows you’re okay.’
‘She should be worrying about herself not me.’ Donna shook her head. ‘I wish we could all just be together. I hate the thought of her being on her own.’
‘I’ll go and look in on her now.’ Bex’s words were met with a look of shock from both her parents, but then Ken narrowed his eyes.
‘Really, I thought—’
‘I just want to see that she’s okay, like Mum said.
’ Bex cut Ken off, widening her eyes, trying to communicate the rest of what she wanted to say without saying the words out loud.
All she’d agreed to do was look in on Briony and see that she was okay.
That didn’t require any conversation, and certainly no face-to-face heartfelt exchange.
All she had to do was catch a glimpse of Briony and see that she was okay and she’d have fulfilled her promise to her mother.
‘Thank you so much, darling, that means the world to me.’ Her mum had given in to tears now, and a frisson of guilt twisted in Bex’s gut for what felt like the millionth time. She needed to get out of there before she made a promise she couldn’t keep.
‘Love you, Mum.’ Gently kissing her mum’s cheek, she then pulled away. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow when all of this is over.’
‘You will, my love.’ Donna blew her a kiss and Bex had to turn away, not allowing herself to look back, in case that made it seem as if she doubted she would see her mum again.
Instead, she chose to believe that everything really would be okay, and she kept walking in the direction Ken had headed earlier when he’d gone to see Briony.
She passed two other bays before she spotted her, in the corner bed.
She was looking at her phone, her face illuminated by the light of the screen.
There were visitors next to all the other beds in the bay and for a moment her heart went out to Briony.
She looked so alone. But then Bex remembered the choice she’d made all those years ago and the path it had set all of them on.
Things could have been so different, and the truth was, as hard as she tried to bury her hurt, she’d grieved for everything they’d lost, even when she’d desperately tried to pretend she hadn’t.
Briony was okay, she was probably chatting away to friends Bex didn’t know about, sending messages on her phone, or maybe there was even someone special willing her through this operation with all of their heart.
Either way, Bex had fulfilled her promise to her mum.
She’d looked in on Briony and checked that she was okay, which meant she should have been able to leave for a second time without turning back.
Except as she moved down the corridor, she couldn’t help looking over her shoulder to catch one more glimpse of Briony and suddenly it was fear rather than guilt gripping her stomach.
It was just stress playing tricks on her mind, that was all.
It was all going to be okay. She repeated the mantra in her head as she continued down the corridor.
Wishing it was as easy to believe as she wanted it to be.
Briony had tried not to cry when Ken had said goodbye to her, but his parting words had proved too much.
‘I’m so proud of you, sweetheart, and you’ve given me the greatest gift twice over.
First, by letting me know what it’s like to be a father, and now by giving your mum back her health.
I couldn’t love you any more than I do.’ He’d hugged her so tightly and she hadn’t been able to stop the sob from escaping.
‘Even after what I did to Bex?’
‘I know it wasn’t what it seemed and Bex is so happy now. I never liked Liam anyway.’ Ken had grinned, as he pulled away, winking in a way that had made her smile through her tears.
‘I just wish Bex could forgive me.’
‘She will one day.’ He’d sounded so certain and she’d been desperate to hold on to the hope that he was right.
‘Do you really think so?’
‘I do, sweetheart, you’ve just got to be patient for a little bit longer.
’ After Ken had left to go and see her mum, she’d started googling ‘ways to repair a broken relationship’, and ‘is it ever too late to be forgiven for a mistake’.
She’d been deep in the search when she’d spotted a movement out of the corner of her eye, but instinctively something had told her not to turn her head and she’d glanced subtly in the direction of the movement instead, spotting Bex, who was walking past the bay.
There was no way her sister could have missed seeing her there, but she hadn’t come in.
It was the night before Briony was going in for a serious operation, where a big chunk of her liver would be removed.
As gung ho as she’d been about it, she knew there was a risk with any operation, even ones that were nowhere near as serious as this.
If Bex couldn’t find it in her heart to say a kind word to her now, she was never going to, no matter what Ken said.
‘I’m so alone.’ She whispered the words under her breath in the seconds after her sister had walked past. It didn’t matter how many people online thought they knew and cared about her, they didn’t really.
Their lives wouldn’t be affected in any significant way if she didn’t make it through the operation.
Gray and Janey would be sad, but even their lives would go on largely unaffected by Briony’s disappearance.
The only people who really loved her were her mum and Ken, and suddenly she was desperate for one of Donna’s hugs, but she’d promised her stepfather that she wouldn’t go to see her, because if her mum saw Briony getting upset it might be enough to derail the whole operation and that was a risk she just wouldn’t take, even though it felt as though her heart was being ripped apart.
Dipping her head to try and prevent any of the other patients from spotting her tears, she stared down at her phone.
She couldn’t even see the words in front of her because they were so blurred with tears, which seconds later were splashing on to the screen of her phone, just as a text from came through.
Mum
Sleep well, my darling girl. Love you to the moon and back. Can’t wait to see you again when all of this is over and give you the biggest hug ever. Tomorrow I’ll have half of your liver, but you and Bex have the whole of my heart and you always will xxxx
It was from her mum and, as another sob escaped, Briony no longer cared about hiding her emotions from the people around her.
All she could do was pray that her mother got through the operation okay, because without her she wasn’t sure she could go on.
There was no life without love, at least not one Briony wanted to live.
So if it came to a choice between the two of them, she hoped with all her heart that her mum would be the one to make it through.