Backstage (Recoil #1)

Chapter One

DANGER

The soft click of the hotel door roots me in place. For a split second, my brain doesn’t register it—can’t—because I’ve spent the last twelve hours watching crash footage on repeat, telling myself she was gone, that my Ella was gone.

My muscles lock, my throat turns to dust, and then the handle turns.

The door opens, and my fiancée, Ella, steps through.

Her hair’s tangled, face streaked with salt and grime, her skin the sickly shade of someone who’s walked through hell and made it out by chance.

Her eyes are red and unfocused, but somehow, they find me, and the rest of the room disappears—the hum of the air conditioner, the muted ocean beyond the glass all fade.

My knees nearly buckle. I can’t move, I can’t breathe. My heart slams so hard it rattles my ribs as she takes another unsteady step forward. Her hands shake. There’s a cut along her collarbone, dried blood crusted near the strap of her top.

The relief hits like a punch—violent, disorienting, and cruel.

Because she’s alive, standing here in one piece when she shouldn’t be, and I don’t know whether to fall to my knees or tear the world apart for putting her on that plane that crashed during landing in a place as beautiful and peaceful as Hawaii.

But she’s alive.

And I don’t know how to live with that kind of miracle.

Instant relief floods me, but she’s clearly pale and emotionally wrecked. I can’t blame her when she’s just witnessed people she loves—people she's grown up with—people who are like family die right in front of her.

I’ve been pacing the floor in our room and trying to call her for what seems like forever.

When I couldn’t reach her, I tried to call her parents, but they had no idea where she was.

All the worst-case scenarios have been playing out in my panic.

But seeing her here, now, in the flesh, sends a wave of undeniable relief through me.

Rushing up to her, I drop my cell to the floor and pick her up, twirling her around. Her blonde hair fans out around the room like a fucking supermodel. Even when she’s a mess, she’s stunningly beautiful.

Then I realize she’s stiff in my arms even when I hold her firm.

“Where have you been? I’ve been trying to call you.

I heard about the plane crash, and no one knew where you were.

Your cell kept ringing out. Jesus, Ella, I’ve been so fucking worried.

” I hold her so tightly I am sure I’m squashing her, but I can’t bear to let her go.

“I’m sorry… I have no idea where my phone is. I was with Chad all night looking after him…” she replies, then trails off.

Those few words are all I need to let her go.

Hearing she was with her fellow bandmate, Chad, sets off insane jealousy—something I hate myself for.

I want to trust her.

I do trust her.

But I don’t trust him.

Fuck, I should have been here, but work kept me behind for a day.

She flew ahead with her family, her bandmates, her father’s bandmates as well, and then literally crash-landed here in Hawaii yesterday.

She was released from the hospital, along with the others who weren’t badly injured, but people we know, people we love, didn’t make it.

She walks over to the bed and sits, so I follow and slide in next to her. The mattress dips just enough that we edge together, and our legs touch slightly, which sets off that electrical attraction I always feel when Ella’s around me.

“You okay? It must have been terrible witnessing Chad’s parents…

” I trail off, knowing they’re the people who didn’t make it, and start again.

“Chad must be really fucking hurting.” I offer my sympathies, knowing his parents were a staple in our crew.

His father, the drummer, is in Ella’s father’s band.

I wrap my arm around her shoulders when she bursts into tears.

My heart clenches at seeing Ella this upset.

I fucking hate it when she cries. “Sugar… I’m here for you.

” I pull her to me, but she wriggles away, shaking her head.

“I can’t do this,” she murmurs.

My head jerks back in confusion. “I know it’s hard to lose people. Especially two that you’re so close to. But I’ll help you get through this, sugar.”

“No, I can’t do…” she waves her hand between us, “… this.”

My heart stops.

All air leaves my lungs as a cold sweat ripples up my body.

I stutter out, “W-what do you mean?”

Ella looks down, avoiding my gaze. “I’m not in this one hundred percent, Danger. I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

It’s like a thousand volts run through my dark heart. Once my heart restarts, I jolt to my feet and begin pacing the floor. “You need to be very clear right now, Ella. What are you saying?”

“I’m saying we need to break up,” she whispers.

My stomach lurches, wanting to expel the breakfast I had on the flight.

Taking a loud intake of air through my flared nostrils, I run my fingers through my hair in frustration.

“I gave up everything for you, Ella.” My voice is calm while trying to hold it together, but all I want to do is yell obscenities and stomp like an unruly child.

Two years ago, I dropped everything for her, including my band, Recoil. We were the opening band for the world’s most famous UK rockers in history—12GAUGE-Slayed. And, like a cliché, I fell for the daughter of the lead singer.

Ella, the woman sitting before me, is breaking my damn heart!

We’re complete opposites—I’m the rebellious American rocker, and she’s an innocent daddy’s girl trying to make it in her own band.

The fact that we lived in different countries should have been enough to deter us.

Let alone that my three bandmates were furious at me for spending all my time with Ella instead of focusing my attention on Recoil.

But sometimes, you have to follow your heart.

And my heart isn’t with my band anymore.

My heart is with her—with my Ella.

Tears glisten in her eyes, but they won’t meet mine. “I know, Danger. I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? You’re fucking sorry?” I repeat and throw my hands in the air. “I love you! We’re getting married, for fuck’s sake,” I yell the last part, my emotions bordering on mania.

It’s no secret we’ve had our ups and downs, just like any other relationship. But once again, Chad, her bandmate, is the common denominator. Yes, he’s just lost his parents in a horrific accident, but I can’t ignore the angry pit growing in my gut.

She bites her bottom lip and stares at her engagement ring. In horror, I watch as she slides it off and then hands it back to me so casually, like it means nothing and isn’t breaking the very foundations of my fucking soul.

My entire body slumps.

Anger circulates in my blood, turning into red-hot lava.

But then I take a calm breath.

I can’t lose her.

I won’t.

I’ve sacrificed so much to be with this woman.

I love Ella more than anything in this world.

I have to fight.

So I kneel before her, wrapping my arms around her waist. “Baby, please don’t do this. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I’ve changed who I am to be with you. You’re everything to me. Don’t do this,” I beg.

“I have to.” She closes her eyes in finality. “My heart isn’t in it, Danger. I can’t keep lying to us both.”

My heart is being ripped to shreds, and I want my Ella to make me feel better.

She is my salvation, and she is my ruin.

Her fingers run through my hair, but it doesn’t ease the pain. It enhances it by showing me I won’t have this again.

This woman doesn’t want me.

Despite everything we have been through, she still doesn’t want me.

“I love you so much, Ella. My life’s in England. What the fuck am I meant to do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m going to do, Danger. But we’re young, and life is short. That’s painfully obvious to me now. I can’t keep living a lie. I am so very sorry I’ve hurt you,” she whispers the last part when I look up at her.

She strokes my cheek casually. Then it dawns on me why this is happening, and I stiffen. “Chad, right?”

She scrunches up her face. “I don’t know. I don’t know where the road is taking me, Danger. All I know is that I can’t continue on it with you. I can’t pretend like we’re good for each other. Honestly, we never have been.”

Needing some distance from her, I stand while the realization sinks in of what she’s just said.

It hits me hard.

She’s leaving me for Chad.

I look around the room aimlessly, hoping to find something—anything—to help, but I come up short. “What about our house?”

“You have it. I’ll go back to my parents’ manor,” Ella states.

I turn to look at her. “You know this is only happening because you’ve been through trauma, right?”

Ella shakes her head. “No, Danger, I’ve felt this way for a long time. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.”

Understanding pounds into me like a damn truck.

She never truly loved me.

Certainly not like I do her.

“Ella, if you were so damn unhappy, why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve been better for you. I could’ve tried harder. I thought I was doing everything right,” I beg.

“You were. You were doing everything right, Danger. You haven’t done anything wrong… not one thing. I know this will sound cliché, but this is all me.”

I groan at her words. “Goddammit, Ella, you’re fucking breaking me right now.

I gave up everything, every-fucking-thing for you.

Do you not get that? I left my life for you.

I changed the person I was for you. I broke up my band for you.

Fuck! How am I not enough?” I storm over and take her head in my hands, forcing her to look at me.

“I love you, Ella… with everything in me, I love you.” I slide my thumbs to wipe away the tears falling down her cheeks.

“I love you too.” She inhales sharply and continues, “Just not enough, Danger… I’m sorry.”