Chapter 15
Fifteen
Jonah was the worst kind of selfish bastard. Because he hadn’t been able to resist reaching for more, he’d given her unrealistic expectations, and now he’d gone and done the one thing he’d never wanted to do. He could still see the pain in Rachel’s eyes, still feel the edge of that knife sliding into his own gut. He should never have gotten involved with her at all, because he didn’t know how they could go back to being friends after this. Why should she trust him with any part of herself? And how could he ever be satisfied with less?
The sound of her car pulling out of drive propelled him into motion. She’d been upset, on the verge of tears. He’d tail her into town, just to make sure she got there okay. It was probably as close as she’d let him get from here on out. Resisting the urge to drive a fist through the wall, he jogged out to his truck.
It didn’t take long to catch up with her. Once her car came into view, he slowed down and dropped back. No reason to make her feel crowded or like he was some kind of deranged lunatic who wouldn’t let her walk away. She did exactly as she’d said, going straight to Cayla’s office across the street from the bakery. Rather than pull in behind her—what the hell could he say that she’d be willing to hear?—he kept going, leaving her to go unload on his buddy’s wife exactly how horrible a person he was.
He drove aimlessly through town, crossing side streets, circling back until he found himself driving past his mom’s salon. Through the window, he spotted her on a stool doing God knew what. Before he thought better of it, he whipped into a parking space and stalked back to the shop. She looked over at the jangle of the bell announcing his entrance.
“Hey, baby.”
“Why don’t you let me take care of this?” He took the box of lightbulbs from her hands, gesturing her off the stool beneath the fluorescent lights.
“My three o’clock rescheduled, so I thought I’d finally tackle changing out the bulbs this stupid light fixture.” She climbed down, gaze zeroing in on his face. Without another word, she crossed the space and locked the door.
Jonah arched a brow. “What are you doing?”
Her eyes narrowed. “What are you doing? What happened?”
For ten seconds, Jonah considered lying and saying “nothing.” But his mother always seemed to see too much, and his capacity for prevarication wasn’t exactly up to mission standards just now. So he shrugged and climbed onto the stool himself. “The inevitable.”
“Which was?”
He slid the cover off the light and set it aside. “Rachel and I basically broke up. I don’t know if you can call it breaking up when we weren’t exactly together in the first place.” They’d never defined a thing past that initial friends-with-benefits status. It hadn’t seemed necessary.
Rebecca fisted both hands on her hips. “Oh, bullshit.”
The vehemence in her tone had him glancing down.
“I’ve seen how you two are with each other. You were together, whether you put a label on it or not. And that girl is the best thing that ever happened to you, so what did you do?”
Stopping by to see his mother in his current state of mind probably wasn’t his best decision. He obviously wasn’t going to find comfort here. Reaching over his head, he began twisting the blown bulbs free. “I simply stuck to the original terms of our agreement and let her go so she can find someone who can be what she actually needs.”
Rebecca stared at him, shaking her head as she accepted the bad bulbs. “You know, you’re my son. I love you. But I did not know that I raised an idiot.”
Surprise had him dropping his hands. “What?”
“I refuse to believe that there is anybody out there who is better for her than you.”
She was his mom. She had to say that. “Yeah, well, you’re biased.” He lifted the first replacement bulb, fitting it into the slot.
“Right now I’m not. I feel confident you’re being an idiot. I know Rachel isn’t the one who did this, so why did you? Why is it you don’t think that you can have a real relationship with her?”
“That’s not my story to tell.” He reached for another bulb.
“Do you love her?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“The hell it doesn’t,” she snapped. “Do you love her?”
He snapped the bulb in place with more force than necessary and leapt down from the stool. “Yes. And that’s exactly why I’m doing this. It’s for her own good. She’ll thank me later.”
“Well, you’re just spewing forth all kinds of bullshit, my boy. No woman is ever going to thank someone for breaking her heart. Not like this.”
He stalked over to the switch and turned the light back on, watching the bulbs flicker to life. “It’s not her. I can’t have a long-term relationship with anybody.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t guarantee I’ll be around forever. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be myself forever.” He’d been warned by his doctors, and he couldn’t afford to ignore those cautions anymore. There was too much at stake.
His mother’s face softened. “Baby, I know you’ve been through a lot. But nobody has that guarantee, with or without a traumatic brain injury. Did you tell her any of this?”
“It wouldn’t change anything.” He stepped back on the stool and replaced the light cover.
“If this is truly how you feel, that’s your right and your decision. It’s a dumb decision—and you’ve made some doozies in your lifetime—but it is your decision. But at the very least, Rachel deserves to know why. I think you’re selling her short by not actually talking to her about this. You just took the information and made the decision like you always do, thinking you know best for everybody.”
“I do know best.”
She blew out a frustrated breath. “That may be the most arrogant, entitled thing to ever come out of your mouth. I thought I raised you better.” For a moment she closed her eyes, and Jonah knew from experience she was trying to hang on to her not inconsiderable temper. “I’m sure you’re well intentioned. You think you’re doing the right thing. The noble thing, because that’s how you’ve always tried to live your life. But baby, you don’t have the right to make this decision for both of you without giving her the full story. Believe me, that’s never the right choice.”
There was something in her tone, some thread of deep regret that had him wondering. But before he could ask about it, she kept going. “I guarantee she’s not going to react like you think she will.”
“I know exactly how she’ll react. That’s why I’m making this decision. Because I don’t want her to ever regret wasting time on me.” He didn’t think he could bear ever seeing that look in her eyes.
“Love is never a waste of time, and if you think it is, then I have failed in teaching you some of the most important lessons in life.” The self-recrimination in her tone had him stepping forward.
“Mom, no.”
She just shook her head. “I can’t look at you right now. I am so disappointed in you.”
The words landed like a physical blow. He’d lived his entire life trying to be the good son, to earn his mother’s approval, to do the right thing for everybody and everything because, if he didn’t, who would?
Closing the distance between them, she reached up, framing his face in her hands. “You are not your dad. It has never been on you to make up for him in this world. And it’s long past time for you to stop acting like it is.”
Releasing him, she stepped back. “Go on. Get out of here. I have a client shortly, and I need to work off my mad before she gets here.”
With no comeback at hand, he did as she ordered and strode out, feeling more lost than he ever had in his life.
He’d followed her. An unwilling hope warred with the hurt on Rachel’s whole drive into town. Maybe seeing her walk out had been a wake-up call. Maybe he’d realized he’d made a terrible mistake.
But when Jonah drove on past Cayla’s office, she realized that was wishful thinking on her part. He was just making sure she got there, because no matter what they were or weren’t to each other, he still felt like her safety was his responsibility, and that wasn’t something he’d ever shirk. Why the hell didn’t that responsibility extend to her heart?
No other car was in the tiny lot. She was relieved because she hadn’t bothered to call or text first, and Cayla could’ve just as easily been with a client. That would’ve seriously put a crimp in Rachel’s need to fall apart with a friend, and she didn’t think she could hold it together much longer.
Stepping inside the little house, she dimly registered the cozy feel of the place, with its fun vintage accents and refinished furniture. They were all details she’d appreciate under other circumstances. But not today. “Cayla?”
Footsteps sounded from around a corner, and the woman herself appeared, her smile spreading wide. “How did the interview go this morning?”
The interview that she’d nailed. For the job she was no longer even sure she could do. God, how had everything gone so wrong, so fast?
She tried to find a smile and felt it wobble around the edges. “I got the job.”
“That’s awesome!”
In the face of Cayla’s enthusiasm, the dam broke, and the flood of tears she’d been holding back spilled down her cheeks.
“Oh, honey!” Cayla pulled her into a tight hug. “Why isn’t this good news?”
“Jonah d… doesn’t want me.” Saying it out loud added a new layer of finality to the situation that only had Rachel crying harder.
Cayla pulled back. “Crazy man say what?”
“I… I…”
“You know what? Wait just a bit. I’m going to make you some tea. Here, have a seat and catch your breath, okay? You can tell me when you’re ready.”
She nudged Rachel into one of the chairs around the table by the window and moved to the little kitchenette, adding water to an electric kettle and pulling cheerful mugs off a shelf. By the time she doused the tea bags with boiling water, Rachel had found a little composure again.
She wiped at her face with a fist full of tissues from the box Cayla had set on the table. “The interview went great, and they want me to start tomorrow. So I got all the stuff to make a nice dinner. I wanted to set the stage for the surprise, you know?”
“Of course.”
“He was… off somehow, when he got home from work. I thought it was because he was twitchy, not knowing what was going on. The last couple of days have been a little weird. So I told him about the job and that I plan to stay. He said that wasn’t what we’d agreed to.”
The timer went off. As Cayla finished prepping the tea, Rachel explained what had happened, what he’d said, feeling every word like a fresh blow as she recounted the story.
“His mind is made up. He’s done.” The devastation sank into her very marrow as she admitted it. “I don’t know if I can stay in Eden’s Ridge knowing he’s here. Knowing I’ll run into him at the grocery or the diner. I don’t know if I can build a life here without him in it. I don’t think I can face those reminders that he didn’t want me.”
Cayla pressed a mug of tea into her hands. “I don’t think this is about him not wanting you. A blind man could see that he does. Something else is going on. Why would he think breaking things off was for your own good? That it’s the best thing for you?”
Rachel clutched the mug, wishing the warmth would soak through her palms and into her bones where the chill had settled. “Hell if I know. He wouldn’t tell me.”
On a huff, Cayla rolled her eyes. “Well, that’s a typical presumptive male. God forbid they explain themselves on the front end. Putting his idiocy aside for a minute, he doesn’t think he’s good for you. And he seems very hung up on the permanency of a relationship.”
“And I don’t get that. I’m not asking for that. I mean, was I hoping that we were headed in that direction? Yes. But I, of all people, know there are no guarantees in life. I just wanted a chance to see what we could be, and he’s killing it off before we have an opportunity to follow through on it.” If he hadn’t pushed for more, if they’d kept things the casual friends-with-benefits connection she’d asked for, would this hurt so damned much? Would she have been able to walk away with exactly what she’d asked for and been satisfied, ready, and able to move on with her life?
“He’s obviously scared of something,” Cayla concluded. “You said he went off on a tangent about what you need and deserve. Why wouldn’t he think he could give you those things?”
“I don’t know. Because he’s been doing all of that already. He is that guy, so what is he so afraid of?”
“I have no idea. If he’s got some kind of relationship trauma fueling all this, I’m not aware of it.” She sipped her tea. “Do you love him? I mean, I know I teased you about being in love with him last night, but are you really?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I am. Every maddening, stubborn, noble piece of him.” And oh, how she wished she could turn that off like a light. She’d welcomed it when he’d made her feel again, but she hadn’t been prepared for the pain.
“Then regardless of how badly he’s just hurt you, I think you owe both of you, and the possibility of what you could be together, more of a fight. Talk to him. Make the stubborn cuss tell you what the hell this is all about. Maybe it still won’t work out. But then at least you’ll have some kind of answers. And maybe after he’s had a little bit of time to think about it, and you drag out whatever the truth is, he’ll pull his head out of his ass and realize he’s being ridiculous.”
Rachel wasn’t sure she could cope with that conversation, and she definitely didn’t know if she could pry the truth out of him when he was so set on this path. But she knew she’d regret it for the rest of her life if she didn’t try.
“Thank you for the tea and the pep talk.”
“Any time.” Cayla wrapped her in another hug. “And if the talk doesn’t go well, and he needs his ass kicked, I can promise Holt will volunteer. He’s on your side.”
One corner of her mouth twitched up. “Hopefully it won’t come to that.”
“Hopefully.”
Bidding her friend farewell, Rachel got back into her car to go confront the most boneheaded man she knew.