Chapter 16
Sixteen
Courtesy of his mom, Jonah felt even more like shit by the time he headed back for the cabin. But maybe she was right. Not about his decision, but about giving Rachel a full explanation. Because he knew in the absence of one, she’d fill in the gaps herself, and he didn’t want her to think it was her fault. This was all on him, and she needed to know that. Maybe she’d hate him for it, but if it eased her mind somehow, it would be worth it.
Her car was parked in front of the cabin when he finally got back. Relief flooded through him that he hadn’t missed her. Needing to see her, to assess how she was, he rushed up the steps and let himself in. A bag dropped from the loft to the floor. Even from the brief glimpse he had of Rachel’s face before she moved to the ladder, he could see she’d been crying. Damn it.
Guilt and regret twisted in his chest. “Rachel.”
“I’ll be out of your way in a little while. I just need to finish getting my toiletries together.”
Obviously, she was serious about moving to the inn. He shouldn’t have expected anything different. “Wait.”
She glanced at him, her expression full of pain and expectation and not a little bit of impatience.
“I owe you an explanation.”
Some of the impatience faded, her shoulders relaxing a bit. “That would be appreciated.”
“Sit. Please.”
With clear reluctance, she moved to the seating area. That she chose one end of the sofa instead of the chair was a small victory. He sat at the other end, close but not touching her.
“Do you remember the night I found you in the school kitchen?” He didn’t have to clarify which night, because it was clear she knew exactly what he was talking about. Was every detail of that encounter as indelibly etched in her mind as it was in his?
Unable to settle, he’d come back hours after class, needing to do something. She’d already taught them the soothing power of taking a recipe from ingredients to completion, of being able to lean into that predictability and control when it seemed everything else was out of their hands. He’d found her there, sobbing and broken. They hadn’t really known each other at that point. Not beyond teacher and student. But no matter how much he despised tears, he couldn’t walk away from her pain. Without a word, he’d wrapped her up and held her until she’d cried herself out.
He could still remember how she’d felt in his arms. What seemed like days later, she’d begun talking, her voice hoarse and broken from weeping. Jonah had known these were confidences she hadn’t shared with the other students.
“I lost my husband.” Her voice had been small in that kitchen, but the story she’d told had imprinted itself upon his damaged soul. “He was a firefighter. A damned good one. But sometimes good isn’t good enough. He managed to save his best friend, but the roof collapsed on him. By the time his company got him out, he was unconscious, with severe head injuries, smoke inhalation, and a whole host of other problems.”
Her head had rested against Jonah’s chest, her whole body lax with exhaustion as she’d continued.
“He was in a coma for three months, and I was there, every single day, wishing, hoping, praying that he’d wake up. Even though I knew that every day, every hour that passed, the lower the chances that he was going to recover. There was a part of me that knew, long before he actually died, that he wasn’t coming back to me. And I thought I’d made peace with it. Put it away. But I haven’t made peace with it. I just shoved it down, and for whatever reason, right now, it’s all bubbling up. And I don’t know how to come back from the pain of that.”
Jonah hadn’t had any major wisdom to impart. He hadn’t known how to help her. But he’d wanted to lessen the burden she carried.
“I don’t think there’s anything quite like the pain of losing the most important thing in your life, whether that’s a person or a mission. You build everything around it, and then suddenly you’re unmoored. Adrift at sea, trying to figure out how to reshape your life when the biggest piece of it is missing. Dr. Graham would say that we have to remember that we’re still here. That we still have a purpose. We just have to figure out what it is.”
And in that kitchen, for the first time since he’d left the SEALs, he’d felt as if he’d finally found one. To give this woman a safe harbor and a chance to purge her grief. That was what he’d done, and it had healed something in both of them.
He couldn’t break open those wounds again. He just had to make her understand that.
“Our friendship began out of shared pain. I know what it did to you to lose John, and that’s why I can’t give you more than what we already have. Because of this.” He tapped the scar on the back of his head.
A furrow appeared beneath her blonde brows. “But you’re fine. You recovered.”
“For now. But I had profound post-concussion syndrome, and the doctors made it clear that there is a significantly increased chance of depression, aggression, suicidal thoughts. I could have difficulty walking, muscle weakness and tremors. Memory loss. Dementia.” It would be a living death to lose himself, to lose his mind. “I care way the hell too much about you to put you through that. I’m not going to be selfish enough to rob you of the chance for the life you want with someone else.”
He expected understanding. Acceptance. Maybe even a little relief.
“That’s bullshit.”
Jonah sat back, surprised at both the words and the matter-of-fact delivery. He was doing this for her. Didn’t she see that?
Those usually soft eyes flashed with temper. “First of all, there’s no guarantee you’re going to get any of that.”
“But I very well could. You’ve endured enough pain for a lifetime, and I can’t do that to you.”
Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose. “You don’t get to make that decision for me. You don’t get to decide how much pain is too much for me. You don’t get to decide how much I am willing to endure.” Eyes blazing, she slapped at her chest. “I’m the one who gets to decide what I’m willing to risk. Do you think I regret being with John for so little time because of how things ended? No. He was a good man, and I’m grateful for every day I had with him. I wouldn’t go back to change that, even if I knew our time was limited. I loved him. I will always love him. I feel the same about you, you stubborn jackass. I love you, and I’m willing to take however much time I get, whether that’s a week, or a year, or fifty. Because love is worth it, however long it lasts. I know that better than anybody, and I never expected to find it again. So no, I’m not going to sit back and be grateful that you’re trying to take my choice away from me. Fuck that. You don’t have to accept my love, but you don’t get to make that decision for me.”
She loved him. On some level, he’d known. He’d seen. But it hadn’t been real to him, and because of that, he’d been able to convince himself that she’d get over it. Over him. But having her say it outright like this hit him like a thunderbolt of truth. And with that realization came the first glimmers of doubt about his position.
“That’s not… I wasn’t trying to take your choice away. I’m trying to stop you from hurting.”
“Life is pain, Jonah. It’s how you know you’re still living. It’s why the joys are so much sweeter. Because you know both sides of the coin.” She shoved up from the sofa, all but incandescent in her rage. Panic that she might be leaving crawled up his throat, but before he could reach for her, she spun back to face him.
Her expression was softer, a mix of hope and grief and yearning that reached out and squeezed his heart, even as she spoke. “Let me ask you one question.”
“What?”
“Do you love me?” The words were softly spoken, with a tremor that betrayed her fear of the answer.
She’d laid herself bare to him, and he couldn’t hold this back from her. Not now. “Yes.” The word felt as if it was being ripped from somewhere deep. An admission he’d never come back from.
Her hand cupped his cheek, tipping his face up so he had to look her in the eyes. “Then let that be enough. Know that it’s enough for however long we get. And trust that I can handle whatever happens.”
He’d told her his greatest fear, shared his greatest weakness, and she was accepting all of it. All of him. She not only loved him, she loved him enough to risk the hurt of losing him by degrees, exactly as she’d lost before. That unwavering bravery made him realize just how deep her feelings ran. The idea of it humbled him and absolutely wrecked his world.
He didn’t deserve her. Didn’t deserve this chance at everything. But neither could he hold himself back from it any longer.
Jonah breathed her name, pulling her down and into his lap. She fell against him, her mouth finding his in a fevered demand. The taste of her lit a fire in his blood, a need to imprint the flavor and feel of her on every part of him. Even as he thought it, she reached for the hem of his shirt. Then clothes were flying and frantic hands were grasping, until they were naked, and he plunged into her, driving them both desperately up, until the wave of release took them both. Eyes locked, the enormity of the moment struck like a tsunami. This was bigger, more potent than ever before, because there was love here. A love they’d nearly lost.
He’d hold on to it, hold on to her, for as long as she’d let him. Because nothing and no one would ever be more precious to him than this, and he’d spend the rest of his life showing her how much.
Rachel trembled in the aftermath of her release, her arms locked tight around Jonah. He’d left her wrecked and raw and emotional, and she couldn’t let him go. Not yet. Maybe not ever. Because she wasn’t absolutely certain he’d come back. He’d said he loved her. But the admission had been grudging, and she knew better than to believe that was enough to overcome his misplaced sense of responsibility. It was only a step in the right direction.
“Don’t let me go. Please don’t let me go.” She murmured the words against his throat, a plea she wasn’t even certain he was conscious to hear.
He shifted, levering himself up from where he’d collapsed on her, proving he was, in fact, awake. The motion had him flexing inside her, setting off flutters of aftershocks. With a gentle finger, he stroked the hair back from her face, his eyes searching for… something. He opened his mouth to speak, but his phone began to ring.
With a frown, he glanced toward the floor. “It can wait.”
“It might be important.”
“So is this.” But he groped around for his pants. It had stopped ringing by the time he unearthed it to check the display. “Mom. I’ll call her back.”
The screen lit up in his hand as it began to ring again. Back-to-back calls were never a sign of anything good.
“Hello?”
Because they were still fused together, Rachel clearly heard his mother’s reply. “Nanna’s house is on fire.”
“What?” Jonah bolted upright. “Where are you? Have you called 911?”
“I’m outside. The fire department is already on the way.”
He reached for clothes. “Stay far back from the house. Better yet, get in your car and stay there. I’m on my way.”
Rachel grabbed up her own clothes and stood to dress, feeling wetness on the inside of her thighs.
What the…?
The breath clogged in her lungs. Oh, God. They’d forgotten to use a condom.
Jonah was dragging on pants, still snapping orders at his mother. “Do not, under any circumstances, go into that house.”
Okay, one emergency at a time. Now was not the moment to mention the oversight. Rushing to the bathroom, Rachel hastily cleaned up and pulled on her clothes. She came out just as Jonah snagged his keys. They raced out of the cabin, jumping into his truck. Gravel spit as he reversed to get on the road.
“I don’t know what the hell she’s even doing out there on her own,” he grumbled. “The place is dangerous. There was probably a short in one of the electrical lines or something. That window unit has been on borrowed time. It probably finally blew up.”
Knowing nothing she could say would calm him, Rachel simply laid a hand on his thigh, keeping a connection between them as he sped toward the house, breaking all kinds of speed limits. Given the location of the cabin, they were actually closer than the fire department. In only a couple of minutes, they spotted the plume of smoke billowing up from the distant trees.
Jonah swore, his knuckles going white as he gripped the wheel.
“We’re nearly there. Just keep your eyes on the road.”
In less than five minutes, they were skidding to a stop beside Rebecca’s car. Jonah hurled himself out of the driver’s seat. Beyond where they’d parked, the house was already well on its way to destruction. Flames licked behind windows and at the roofline, eating through the wood siding.
The noxious scent of smoke struck Rachel as she got out of the truck, and an anxious sweat broke out along her spine.
“She’s not in the car. Mom? Mom!” Jonah’s shout seemed to echo, but there was no reply.
They circled the house, checking the perimeter, finding no trace of Rebecca.
“Where the hell is she?”
Rachel stared at the house, spotting movement in one of the windows. “Jonah! Look! She’s inside.”
He whipped around, his face paling as he spotted his mother, arm raised against the blaze that had spread to the living room, where all of Lonnie’s things had been stored. Without hesitation, Jonah charged toward the house, kicking in the front door. Flames spewed out from the darkened doorway.
“Jonah!” Terror clawed through Rachel as she watched him race directly into the fire without a single piece of safety equipment to protect him.
Time seemed to slow to a crawl, each second stretching into minutes. The flames spread, licking up the rickety porch and eating through what remained of the supports, until it collapsed in a shriek of breaking wood, blocking his exit route. The wail of sirens sounded in the distance as she sprinted around to the back of the house, hoping to spot Jonah coming out the other door. But he didn’t emerge. She didn’t see any sign of him at all as the fire truck rolled up the drive.
Incoherent prayers fell from her lips as she raced to meet them. Though this was a volunteer unit, the firefighters spilled out in tightly organized fashion, already leaping to attach the hoses and get water on the blaze. The house was fully involved now.
“There are two people inside.” She struggled to speak past the panic that gripped her chest. “Jonah went in after his mother at least five minutes ago and hasn’t come back out.” She directed them to the part of the house she’d seen Rebecca in.
The lead firefighter gave a nod and began shouting orders as she turned back to face the house. Where the hell was Jonah? Fear was a living thing, eating through her as surely as the flames were consuming the house. What if he didn’t make it out? What if she’d just found him and she lost him in the same horrific way she lost John? She didn’t think she could survive it again.
Glass shattered as the windows exploded outward from the heat. Rachel dropped to her knees on a sob as the firefighters made their way into the mouth of the beast. She hardly dared breathe as she waited, counting the seconds and praying.
Two interminable minutes later, one of them emerged with a small figure draped over his shoulder. Rebecca. He hustled her away from the blaze. The sound of her coughing was only the smallest relief. She was alive. Awake. Jonah was still lost.
Another minute later, the second firefighter emerged, struggling under the weight of Jonah’s bigger body. Rachel’s heart seized. Was he even still alive?
She rushed forward, but two of the other volunteers beat her to him as the man who’d carried him out lowered him to the ground. Jonah wasn’t moving, and his eyes weren’t open. She could see angry red blisters along one arm.
“Is… is he—” Rachel couldn’t finish the question. Could give voice to that deepest of fears.
“We’ve got a pulse, and he’s breathing.”
It wasn’t a guarantee. She knew that better than anyone. But it was a start.
As they scrambled into action, covering his face with an oxygen mask, she slid to the ground in sheer relief while the house burned down behind them.
“Don’t you dare die on me. Don’t you fucking dare. I can’t lose you.”
The fierceness in the voice cut through the black. Something in Jonah turned toward it, recognizing an order when he heard one.
“The Universe did not put you in my path to take you away this soon, so wake the hell up, Jonah. I mean it. You don’t get to pull this shit. I won’t stand for it. Wake up. Wake up! Oh God, please wake up.” The last of her words trailed off into a terrified whisper.
It was the fear that had him swimming up toward the increasing pain. He knew how to battle through pain. How to get to the other side. Never mind that he felt like absolute shit. Rachel was afraid, and he couldn’t let that stand.
Why did everything smell like smoke? And what the hell was that beeping?
His eyelids weighed a thousand pounds apiece, but he pried them open anyway, wincing at the burn of the light. Everything was a blur. He tried to speak, but the words came out in a meaningless croak. Christ, his throat was on fire.
“Jonah!” The vise-grip on his hand tightened, and then his vision was full of Rachel, her face absolutely ravaged from tears.
Guilt punched him in the gut. This was exactly what he’d wanted to prevent. He never wanted to see this look of fear on her face over him. Not ever. He tried to sit up, to reach for her, but she pushed him back down.
“No, lie back. Stay still.”
There was something on his face. He batted at it, his hands feeling like paws instead of limbs with opposable thumbs he could actually control.
“Oxygen mask. Here.” She reached off to the side and came back with a cup. Nudging the mask down, she angled the straw into his mouth. “Sip. Just a little.”
He sucked, and the cool water felt like glory in his throat. Far too soon, she took the water away and settled the mask back in place.
Her hand lingered on his cheek, fresh tears streaking down her own. “I’m really damned happy to see you.”
“Don’t… cry.”
She hiccupped a laugh and wiped her face against her shoulder. “I’ll stop in a minute. Promise. I’m just so relieved.”
He glanced around the room, and holy shit, the movement hurt his head. But it was clear enough he was in the hospital. Same kind of emergency bay where he’d brought her all those weeks ago. Shit, that couldn’t be good.
“What…” He licked his lips. “What happened?”
Somewhere in the haze of his mind, the pieces began to swim. The fire. His mother. Then he remembered and terror had him jack-knifing up. “Mom!”
“She’s okay. She’s down the hall. Brax and Holt are with her. The firefighters got her out.” Rachel pressed her lips together, but he didn’t miss the trembling. “They got you out.”
He’d run into a burning building to save his mother, and he hadn’t come out under his own steam. Jesus, what had that done to Rachel?
Dragging the oxygen mask down again so he could speak clearly, he squeezed her hand. “I’m so sorry.”
Her fingers tightened on his. “Don’t. Don’t you start apologizing or blaming yourself. Don’t you dare think I’m going to walk away from you because of this. Maybe you scared ten years off my life, but nothing is more terrifying than a life without you. Nothing. Do you hear me?”
He didn’t have time to respond because the doctor and a nurse strode in.
“Mr. Ferguson, it’s good to see you awake. I’m Dr. Johnson.” The lean man dropped onto the rolling stool and scooted across to the bed, one hand shoving his glasses up his nose. Everything about the guy was neat and tidy, from the trim goatee to the close-cropped black hair. Jonah wondered if he’d been military at some point.
Over the next little while, he got examined, poked, and prodded. He answered questions. Had the burns along his left arm checked out. Shit, that hurt. This time Rachel was the one who took all the instructions and details of aftercare.
She was sticking. Even after all this.
His aching head circled back to what she’d asked him back at the cabin. To trust that she could handle whatever happened. Hell, it seemed like maybe she could handle things better than he could. That said so much about her strength. His mom had been right. He was selling Rachel short, and it seemed the only thing he’d been protecting them from was a chance at real happiness. Maybe there’d been a part of himself that hadn’t believed he deserved that. Like he hadn’t earned it yet. Maybe he wouldn’t ever feel like he’d done that, but God, he wanted to spend the rest of his life trying, because these past weeks with her had been the best he’d ever had, despite all the peripheral stress.
“Jonah?”
He blinked and realized the doctor and nurse had left.
Rachel moved in again, taking his hand. “They’re working on the discharge paperwork for you and your mom.”
That was good. His whole body hurt, and he just wanted to get the hell out of this place. With luck, he wouldn’t see it again for a good long while. But that wasn’t his first priority just now.
He laced his fingers with hers and held tight. “I’m not letting go.”
“What?”
“I should’ve said it before everything went to hell. I love you, and I’m not letting go. I’m sorry I was an over-presumptuous jackass.”
Her eyes went glassy with unshed tears, but the corners of her mouth twitched. “Did you hit your head while you were in that fire?”
“Not that I remember. I just didn’t want you to worry anymore.”
“This isn’t the first time, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. But you’re absolutely worth it.” Rachel bent, brushing her lips against his in a tender kiss.
“I’ll try to make sure you don’t regret it.”
“I’ll never regret you.”
He just hoped like hell she was right.