Chapter 37
Blowout: A heavy defeat.
Translation: Shit just hit the fan.
Wolf
It’s after midnight, and I can’t sleep, so I’m pacing my flat with Rugby on the loose, letting him stretch his legs for a
bit, just to give me something else to focus on other than the fact that Everly was distant with me all night.
I’d have thought the Denver offer would make her happy, but she didn’t seem happy. She seemed like she was done with me. Like
having Cliona here was some sort of reality check she needed, and the past summer never meant anything to her.
Christ, was I really in this alone? Is she really still expecting this no-label label to hold? It’s utter shite, and she has
to know it.
I look out the window in my washroom, and my brows furrow when I see a blonde figure sitting on the lookout bench that sits
above the path that Everly and I would use to walk to each other’s places the past several weeks when we were hiding this
from her family.
After tucking Rugby back into bed, I throw on a sweatshirt and make my way outside to her, anxious to hear what’s on her mind
that has her sitting outside alone at this hour. An ominous feeling creeps into my gut the closer I get.
Her head turns when a stick breaks under my foot.
“Don’t worry, I’m not stalking you,” I say with a soft smile that she returns, but it doesn’t meet her eyes. “Mind if I join you?”
“Of course,” Everly says, scooting over to make room for me. “It’s your birthday. You should have whatever you want.”
“It hasn’t been my birthday for five whole minutes.”
She lifts her brows cheekily. “Maybe you should celebrate birthday week.”
“Please don’t give that idea to my sister. She will run with it.”
Everly laughs softly.
“Everly.”
“What?”
“What is going on?” I ask, my tone resolute.
What do you mean?” she chirps back, causing my skin to crawl.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?”
“You’re pulling away,” I snap, my teeth clamped tightly together. “All that shite you said to my sister. Did you mean it?”
“I just said to her everything we said to each other when this whole thing between us started.” Her lips press into a thin
line as she stares out at the valley, her chin wobbling.
I sigh heavily. “Bollocks.”
“What do you want from me, Conri?” she asks, her tone terse.
My chest concaves at the words on the tip of my tongue. I hate that I have to say them. I hate that she’s not in this with
me like I am with her. But fuck it, I have no more fight in me to give.
“I want you to ask me to stay,” I say, my voice cracking.
Her eyes swerve to look at me, and they’re red-rimmed and glossy. “I can’t do that.”
“Why not?” I beg.
“Because I know you’ll sacrifice your own happiness for mine, and I don’t want that for you,” she says, her voice trembling, revealing her true emotions at last. “I saw the light in your eyes when you got that call from your coach earlier today. You were like a big kid you were so excited. I won’t let you walk away from that for me.
You’re self-sacrificing to a fault, Wolf. ”
“You’re people-pleasing to a fault, Everly,” I growl petulantly. “And that Leinster thing isn’t even an official offer. This
here in Denver, it’s real. It even sounds like I’ll get that youth coaching job I told you about.”
She inhales a shaky breath, shooting me a wobbly smile. “Really?”
“Yes, they’re bringing me in for a second interview. I didn’t want to tell you until it was official.”
She blinks rapidly at me. “That’s what you’ve always wanted.”
“I know,” I reply, stretching my arm over the back of the bench, wishing Everly would curl into me, but she doesn’t. “The
pay is shite, but matching that with my rugby offer, I think I’ll be alright living in Denver with Fergie. And hopefully something
bigger will come out of the coaching job eventually.”
She chews nervously on her lower lip, still processing everything. “But what about Leinster?” she asks, her eyes cast downward.
I stare at her, my chest burning when I reply, “Dublin doesn’t have you.”
Her lips part as a flush runs up her neck. “I don’t want you making any big life decisions because of me,” she says in a rushed,
panicky voice.
“We could make them together,” I state evenly, trying to get her to see.
“That’s too much pressure.” Her eyes dart all over the dark canyon. “If you end up going to Dublin and we’re long distance,
I’ll need you too much. I’ll want too much of you. I’ll be too much.”
“Christ, if you say that to me one more time,” I growl, dragging my hand through my hair. “I’ve told you a hundred different ways you’re never too much for me. Everly . . .
I love you.”
I move to touch her, but she leaps from the bench, flinching like my words hurt her. “Don’t say that.”
“Why not?” I growl, my temper flaring as I stand as well.
“Because it just makes all this harder.” Her throat moves as she struggles to swallow. “I told you I’ve never said that to
anyone.”
“I know.”
“So, you can’t just throw it out willy-nilly.”
“I’m not,” I grind out.
“Dammit, Wolf,” she exclaims, covering her eyes. “You’re ruining everything. This was just supposed to be casual. Not love.
You’re not thinking clearly. You’re like drunk on Fletcher Mountain air or something. Eventually, you’re going to snap out
of this and realize this isn’t what you want. I’m not what you want. Dublin is what you want. Playing rugby in Ireland is your dream. Being closer to your sister. You guys
have goals. I don’t want to get in the way of that.”
I nod slowly, my heart heavy in my chest as I stalk closer to her, looming over her so she’s forced to look up at me. “You
think I could follow you home for four years . . . follow you here to Colorado . . . let you boss me around on this fucking
mountain and not know what I want?” I bite, my tone guttural.
She shakes her head, refusing to accept my words, but I continue.
“I didn’t love you at first. I hated you. I hated your optimism and privilege. I hated how easy it was for you to pry into
people’s personal lives. I hated how you wore a smile on your face every day, even though I could see that you were struggling.
I hated that.”
“How did you know?”
“Because I fucking see you, Everly,” I roar, my chest aching with this pain inside me. “I see the anxiety you carry under those bright blue eyes and
perfect smile. I see that you help people and matchmake and do things for others because then you don’t have to reflect on
what you truly want for yourself. Because if you admit what you want—if you let yourself say it out loud and make it real—then
if it’s taken from you, it hurts. Like your friends from high school or Hilow, or bloody hell, even your grandfather when
he passed.”
“Stop,” she croaks, tears filling her eyes, but I can’t stop. I haven’t even got to the worst part.
“Somewhere along the way, you decided that if you don’t name it, if you don’t make it real, then nothing can ever hurt you,
and you can go on being that happy, sunshiny girl you have convinced the world you are.”
I step in close and breathe in her jasmine scent one last time. “But you’re not happy, Everly. You’re not sunshine. You’re
lying to yourself.”
“You think you have me all figured out?”
“I’ve had a lot of years studying you to feel confident in that.” My body stiffens with that realization.
The silence that follows is unbearable. The mountain seems to hold its breath, waiting for what happens next. Waiting to see
if there’s anything else I can say to turn things around.
But I don’t want to have to convince her of this. I want her to see me the way I see her. And if she doesn’t, then I can’t
keep chasing her. I can’t keep following her and trailing her and trying to catch something that doesn’t want to be caught.
This time up here on Fletcher Mountain was my shot. And my greatest fear has come true. I’m just not good enough. Everly and
I are not endgame. We’re no game.
“I need you to walk back to your cabin, please,” I croak, my voice soft and broken. “I can’t go inside if I know you’re out here in the woods by yourself.”
I hate that I still care, but it’s not something I can just turn off. I’m not built like that.
Everly swipes away the tears on her cheeks before turning back toward her cabin. The moonlight catches in her hair, that pale
blonde that’s haunted me for years, and the words that come out of my mouth are harsh and punishing. “And don’t worry . . .
I won’t be following you anymore. It was clearly a horrible idea from the start.”
Her shoulders flinch as she pauses for a moment before continuing toward her cabin, leaving me on a cliff’s edge back in the
darkness, where I belong.