Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
May drove straight home from Xavier’s, unlocked her front door, and stood in her living room for a long while. Her keys were still in her hand as she scanned her tidy house and envisioned what her life would look like in the future.
Without Xavier.
With a child.
When she’d gone home with him after the wedding, raising a baby by herself had been the last thing on her mind. Then again, there were lots of things in her life that hadn’t gone according to plan, weren’t there?
Her mom dying.
Her dad leaving.
Breaking up with Prescott—and the Stantons.
She replayed the conversation tonight, shaking off any doubts that she should have stuck around to talk things out.
She wasn’t sure they knew how to talk things out.
They sexed things out, which hadn’t happened because Lynx was there.
Plus, giving in to Xavier’s charms now would only wind up confusing her later.
Lost in the murky depths of grief, she’d accepted half-measures with Prescott. Only when she’d come to the surface of healing did she begin to notice that the relationship was more one-sided than she’d imagined.
She hadn’t been blind so much as hopeful, and she wouldn’t blame herself for that. But hope was a double-edged sword. Hoping that Xavier’s task-oriented focus would turn into him falling in love with her was just plain sad.
She wouldn’t hang her hopes on him falling in love with her.
Her parents had been in love to the end.
And even though her father only saw what he’d lost, May knew the truth.
They’d been blessed that it had existed at all.
Because love wasn’t automatically included with marriage.
Their bundle of joy might be on the way, but love hadn’t been bundled with it.
In short, love wasn’t guaranteed.
She took solace in the hollowness in her chest. It meant that she cared deeply for Xavier. He would be involved in their baby’s life, without a doubt. She would never deny him that, and more importantly, he would never accept anything less.
Women raised babies alone all the time. Working women, single women, women who were far younger than her.
They raised them with fathers, without, alone or with co-parenting agreements in place.
She could stand on the shoulders of the women who had gone ahead of her and had navigated far more difficult scenarios than the one she faced now.
She had a great job that she loved. Incredible friends. Her finances were in decent enough shape, and Xavier’s were outstanding. Their child wouldn’t lack a single thing, even if Xavier and May weren’t married or living together.
She’d chosen this baby, this life, this new normal. She was in control. Powerful, even. She wasn’t trapped. Her back wasn’t against the wall. Her eyes were open, and she’d lived enough life to know where she and Xavier would have ended up if they’d stayed the path.
If he’d been committed to being a father and nurturing a relationship with her, he would’ve shown up a hell of a lot differently. He would have admitted his fears and realized that his planning and strategizing were his ways of dealing with those fears.
Instead, he’d cited a personal failure at his past relationship.
As if she were the ultimate mulligan—a chance for a do-over.
Regardless of how she felt about him, she couldn’t hang around so that he could heal his past. She wasn’t here to soothe his ego or lick his wounds. She was here for their child.
She didn’t have the luxury of thinking only of herself. Not anymore.
She was chopping cucumbers for a dinner salad when her phone buzzed. She paused, her heart hammering in her chest. She didn’t want to talk to Xavier right now, but neither would she avoid him. Not now, not ever.
But when she crossed the room to grab her cell phone, she saw that it wasn’t Xavier texting her but Lou.
I’m being totally nosy, but I have to know what’s going on! A second later, another text appeared: Disregard this if you’re having sex.
If she only knew.
Before May could reply, the phone rang in her hand.
“Sorry, sorry!” came Lou’s greeting. “I’m obnoxious. You’re not having sex, are you?”
“No.” That one word came out sounding as heavy as her heart.
“Are you okay?” Lou asked softly. “Tell me everything.”
May summarized what had gone down at Xavier’s. And to her horror, in the middle of that explanation, she started to cry.
Lou promised to be over in as soon as possible, and with reinforcements. When May opened her mouth to argue, she hiccupped instead.
“Hang tight, babe. On my way.”
Lou was knocking on May’s front door thirty minutes later. May had abandoned her salad-making and did a quick clean of the kitchen before touching up her makeup. She looked…okay, she guessed. Tired, and there was no hiding that she’d been crying, but Lou already knew that.
Lou walked through the front door with take-out Italian in both hands. Elliott and Lisa filed in behind her, Lisa carrying a six-pack of cream soda and Elliott with a custom-made T-shirt. The graphic on the tee was a coffee pot wearing a bib that read: Currently Brewing. It was, in a word, perfect.
May insisted on opening wine for her friends. Just because she was abstaining didn’t mean they had to follow suit. There was a bit of weak protesting from Elliott before Lisa elbowed her and said they’d have a glass.
Lou agreed to join them, but not before checking with May. “You’re sure it’s okay with you?”
In answer, May filled three glasses for her friends and then poured herself a cream soda—in a wine glass, thank you very much.
The four of them were sitting around May’s coffee table, empty food containers scattered over its surface—er, close to empty, anyway. Lamberto’s offered generous portions.
“Best ravioli ever,” Elliott said.
“It really is,” Lou agreed. “May?”
“Best ravioli ever,” she agreed.
“And how are you?” Lou asked with a smile.
“She’s capable. And not alone.” Lisa squeezed May’s forearm supportively.
Her friends were watching her expectantly. Lou had confessed to filling in Lisa and Elli on the details on the way over, so May dove into the conversation they’d waited patiently to have tonight.
“I used to think the length of a relationship meant it was serious. But that wasn’t true for Prescott.
He was fine with coasting. We made no plans to move in together, never really talked about the future.
He was content with the status quo. Xavier is better than Prescott.
He’s honest and he cares and he’d do anything for me… ”
“But?” Elli prompted.
“But being on his to-do list is different than being in his heart.”
Heavy sighs all around.
May refused to be mired by what was, so she literally shook off the sympathy. “I’m not looking for a man to organize my life. I want him to build a life with me.”
“Damn straight.” Lisa held up her wine glass in agreement.
“Xavier doesn’t sound like your ex,” Elliott agreed.
“But I understand how this hurts in a similar way. And I understand having to find your own strength again. Learning to trust your own intuition. No one wants their life arranged for them.” Elliott had been in a relationship with a narcissist ex and had found the courage to leave him.
She’d escaped to her parents’ beach house in the Cove, ending up next door to Lou, which was how she’d entered their friend group.
“After I broke it off with Neil, I woke up to find that I had no friends, no job, almost zero drive.”
May nodded, understanding. She had felt similarly when she “woke up” from grieving losing her parents.
“Meeting Brady threw me for a loop. I thought I was going to have a fun fling. That’s it.” Elli offered a raised eyebrow. “Sound familiar?”
“A little too familiar,” May agreed.
“I set out to find myself, to unearth the Elliott I was before Neil shaped her. Then here comes Brady with his confidence and caretaking, and I freaked out. What if he was trying to cage me like Neil? I wasn’t sure I could trust myself.
” She paused to sip her wine. “At least you trust yourself, May. That’s huge. You acted fast. That’s smart.”
May appreciated the compliment, but she didn’t feel triumphant.
“And because you can trust yourself…and I am only saying this because you’re my friend…” Elliott scrunched up her nose and trailed off.
“Say it,” Lisa encouraged.
May nodded. “You can say it.”
“I was going to say that if you change your mind and decide to give Xavier a second chance, you can trust that too.”
“But it’s also okay to dump his ass,” Lisa said. “The last thing you need is a man calling the shots.” Lisa sent Elliott a stern look as if to say that sympathy for Xavier was not welcome. But May appreciated Elliott’s input.
For the next half hour, they discussed fun topics like which bedroom would become the nursery, the trendiest paint colors, and if May wanted to know the sex of the baby before he or she was born.
They’d decided that the guest bedroom, currently underutilized for storage, would make a perfect nursery, and that neutrals with a focus on earth tones would be ideal.
May informed them (to their collective dismay) that she didn’t want to know if she was having a boy or a girl until after the baby was born.
Lisa, ever the drama queen, argued that she might “die” if she didn’t find out the baby’s sex beforehand. May assured her that she’d outlive them all, and Lou and Elli wholeheartedly agreed.
May soaked in her friends’ attention and stayed as present as possible. Tonight had been a good reminder that even though her family was distant, she wasn’t alone. The women in her inner circle were the epitome of love and support.
“I shouldn’t have repeated what Xavier shared with Ant. Both times.” Lou winced. “Forgive me?”