Chapter 25 #2
A tear streaked down her cheek. She swiped it away, almost angry that she hadn’t been able to hold it in. She didn’t want to appear weak, or like she would fold like a wet paper bag at the first hint of his vulnerability.
“I don’t know,” she lied.
“Well, I know what I want.” His voice was firm, his expression determined. He offered an outstretched palm. “Want me to tell you what that is?”
She studied his open hand for a beat before sliding her fingers into his. “No?”
She surprised a laugh out of him, and then she laughed. They were on the same page today, it seemed. The tension around them lightened. With her hand resting in his, it was hard to feel anything other than stable. Solid. He was both of those things, through and through.
But she didn’t only want stability and foundation. She didn’t want to be managed either. She wanted to be loved. Included. Part of something bigger than herself.
Inevitable, she supposed, now that she was going to be a mother.
“Ask me what I want, May.”
She felt her head shake. She was scared to ask. What if his answer was the exact opposite of what she wanted? What if he dug in, refusing to budge from his point of view? Then what would they do about their baby, or being friends, or—
“Ask. I’ll tell you the truth.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” she admitted.
He dropped his head before meeting her eyes again. “I’m a hell of a lot smarter than I was the last time we talked. And if you think I can’t change in a blink, you’re wrong. Take away the one thing that means most to me in this world, and I learn real fast.”
Her shoulders sagged. Her heart softened. She meant more to him than anything in the world?
Hearing that felt so, so good. But it didn’t erase the past.
“You’re used to handling everything in your own life, but so am I,” she told him. “I believe you meant well, but…you cut me out, Xavier. I want to be in this with you. I don’t want you to take over my life out of some misguided sense of duty.”
“I don’t want to take over.” He leaned forward.
“This isn’t about control or fixing things or preventing problems. Not anymore.
Life is unpredictable.” He stroked her hand with his fingers.
“Look at us. We’re going to have misunderstandings.
But the best thing about us is that we can work it out. Together. Always together.”
“But—”
“Yes. But.” He licked his lips. “Look, I was selfish. Making decisions without you had nothing to do with you being incapable of making them, and everything to do with me trying to keep my life from spiraling out of control. And yes, some of that was because of the shit that went down when I was with Tracie, but most of that is because I didn’t realize until very recently that I’m different with you.
Better than I’ve ever been. You matter to me, May. More than anyone.”
“You’re important to me too.”
“For years, though, I wasn’t.”
She opened her mouth and shut it again, unsure of how to respond. She hadn’t expected him to say that.
She hadn’t looked at the last three years from his point of view, had she? She hadn’t considered how much he’d flirted. How many times she’d thwarted his advances. She hadn’t considered how many dates she’d brought into Salty Dog—only because she felt safe there. She’d never intended to hurt him.
But she had.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He shook his head. “I finally had a chance to show you who I was, and then we were thrown into the deep end.”
“We did advance several levels very quickly.”
He blew out a breath. “Big Boss level.”
She grinned at the video-game reference.
“Point is,” he said, serious again. “I know what I want. I want to be a present father, and I want to give you the world. I want to love you for the rest of my life. And if you can give me a chance to make this about us and not just me, I swear to God, you won’t regret it.”
She was speechless. He’d said the words love you, right? She hadn’t hallucinated that?
“I’m here.” He flattened a palm on his chest. “And I don’t want a kid with my eyes looking at me years from now and asking why I didn’t try harder with their mom. Asking why I wasn’t brave enough to tell her I loved her when I had the chance.”
“Xavier.” His face grew blurry as tears filled her eyes.
“I have something for you. For us.” He stood, keeping hold of her hand. “The three of us.”
At the base of the stairs, she rooted herself in place. “Oh, no. I promised myself I wouldn’t go up there.”
“I’m on my best behavior. Trust me.”
Thing was, she did trust him. With her person, with her child… Could she trust him with her heart? She wasn’t sure she wouldn’t end up in bed with him tonight, but she didn’t want to turn back now.
Hand in hand, they walked upstairs, past the doorway of his bedroom, and to the bedroom at the end of the hall. “This is why Ant was here.”
He opened the door to reveal an empty room, save one piece of furniture. A crib. The beautiful handcrafted piece with the intricate leaf design carved into the corners was obviously Ant’s handiwork.
“It occurred to me today that this was the first plan I made for us in my head. It’s finally real. When I saw it, I pictured being a father. And I pictured you in this room, by my side, looking down at the baby we made together. And God, what a beautiful baby.”
She blinked back more tears as she rested her hands on the edge of the crib. “I’ve pictured that too. I was afraid it was a fantasy.”
“Damn straight it’s a fantasy.” He placed one hand over both of hers. “It’s not real yet because you have to fill in the blanks. I have the crib, but I don’t know what color to stain it. I have the house, but I don’t know what color you want the walls to be.”
“Warm neutrals.” She faced him. “The girls helped me decide that already.”
“My mom already offered to paint. She loves to paint. She is very excited about meeting you, and becoming a grandmother.”
May lost her breath. Her mother was gone, but his mother was here, and excited about being a grandmother.
“Don’t cry.” He brushed away the tears rolling down her cheeks.
“I can’t wait to meet your mom.”
“You’ll like her. She knows how in love with you I am and how much I’ve been fucking up because of that.”
She reached up and swiped a single tear from his face. “You didn’t fuck up.”
He offered a quick lift of his eyebrows.
“Love isn’t about not failing. And it’s not about fixing things. It’s about…showing up. Even when things are messy. Especially when things are messy.”
“Like you did for me.”
“Like you would have if I hadn’t beat you to it,” she corrected.
He took a shaky inhale, and she saw the moment hope returned along with that solid, strong Xavier confidence she loved so much. It was time for her to confess her own feelings.
“I love you too. And I love this house. Me moving in here with you isn’t exactly a hard sell.”
He chuckled and then sniffed, ducking his head to furtively swipe away another tear.
“Goddamn,” he whispered, and that sounded like a prayer to her.
“I love you so much. I want it all. I want you to live here. I want you to have my baby. I want forever. For the first time, I believe I can have it. Because of you.”
“Forever as in…”
“I don’t have the ring yet. I don’t want to make that decision without you.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“Yeah?” He grinned.
She nodded.
He scooped her up, holding her tightly against him. He kissed her cheek, her neck, and breathed “I’m so sorry” into her ear.
“I know.” She stroked the back of his head. “You weren’t trying to take over.”
“That’s not what I meant.” He pulled his face out of her hair. He was wearing a rakish smirk, and there was a cocky glint in his eyes.
“Oh, no.” She was already shaking her head, but her smile hadn’t gone anywhere.
“I’m so sorry that I lied to you at the bottom of those stairs. To be fair, I hadn’t planned on coaxing you into my bedroom.”
“Coaxing me?”
“Begging you?” His lips hovered over hers. This time his face went blurry, not because of the tears in her eyes but because he was too close to focus on. She wanted him to be this close from here on out.
“You don’t have to beg.”
“Oh, but I live to serve.” He advanced, backing her down the hallway toward his bedroom. “I have to make up for lost time. How many orgasms have you missed out on over the last four days?”
“So many,” she heard herself say. It seemed her box o’ hormones had escaped despite the duct tape.
“I’m up for the task.” In his room, he began unbuttoning her blouse, but she stilled his hands with hers.
“You are, you know. Up for the task. Of being a dad. Of being a partner.”
“A partner,” he repeated. “A lover.” He cupped her ass and moved with her in an intimate dance. “A husband.”
She hummed in the back of her throat. “A technicality. I would have you as the other two without that one being required.”
Except marrying him sounded so damn good. Complete. She didn’t need a contract to hold him to her, but she wanted the whole package. She didn’t want to leave anything undone, unsaid. Unresolved.
“What I’m saying is that I’m here,” he said. “For good. For always.”
She rested her forehead to his. “Me too.”
“By my count”—he slid his hand down to her barely-there belly bump—“baby makes three.”
He picked her up and gently deposited her on the bed. Then he gave her what she’d been missing for the last four days—along with a few more I-love-yous to seal the deal.