Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
ZANE
I pace back and forth along the hospital corridor.
“You’re going to wear a hole in the floor,” Arlene says from her seat. Nova is leaning against her, asleep.
“What are they doing in there? It’s been hours now.”
I start another lap of the corridor.
“If only I’d got there sooner,” I grind out as I reach Arlene again.
“What would you have done? The ambulance was on its way,” Arlene says, but I ignore her and keep walking.
I could have done something, surely. But no, I was across the yard in the arms of Devin, indulging myself, taking pleasure, while Arlene found my dad, phoned for the ambulance, and came to rouse me.
I should have been there for him. I want to walk off the anger at myself, the feeling of impotence at not being able to do anything, the fear of losing my dad.
But it doesn’t work. After what feels like a lifetime a doctor finally walks towards us.
I hold my breath, preparing myself for bad news.
“Mr Dawson?” she asks.
“That’s me.”
“Your father is stable but he’s very weak. We need to keep him in for a few days while we run some more tests and until he’s strong enough to go home.”
Relief floods through me.
“Can we see him?” I ask, and the doctor nods.
“Just for a few minutes. He’s resting and shouldn’t be disturbed.”
Arlene wakes Nova and he blinks sleepily as we follow the doctor to my dad’s room.
He looks so small lying in the hospital bed, covered in wires and surrounded by machines.
He looks old and grey, barely like my dad at all.
I reach out and curl my fingers round his hand, and it feels dry and brittle.
So unlike the strong hands that lifted me onto my first horse when I was too small to get up by myself.
I look at the machines, beeping rhythmically, monitoring his life. It was a close call. Too close.
I can’t help feeling there’s a connection between me wanting something badly and losing someone I love. I wanted a brother and lost my mom. I wanted Devin and I came close to losing my dad. I won’t let it happen again. I need to keep my family safe.
“I’ll always be there for you.” I whisper my promise to my dad before the doctor tells me I’ve had long enough.
The next few days pass so quickly I blink and miss them, but drag so much I think I’m going mad.
I visit Dad as much as I can, spending hours at the hospital, watching him wake up, eat some food, and slowly get stronger.
The rest of the time I’m in the fields while it’s light enough to work and falling into an exhausted sleep when it’s not.
Devin tries to talk to me, but apart from giving him an update on my dad, I stay away.
I can’t go back there. I can’t risk it. I know he’s leaving soon anyway, so the hole I have inside, the chasm that used to be filled with his presence, would still happen anyway.
I’m just bringing it forward. I can see the hurt in his deep dark eyes, but I’m thankful he doesn’t demand any more from me. Maybe he’s ready to leave too.
On the day my dad comes home from the hospital, weaker than ever but still with us, there’s a pot of soup on the table.
“What’s this?” Arlene says, looking puzzled. There’s a note in handwriting I recognize.
Chicken soup – my mum’s recipe.
It’s delicious, just like Devin promised it would be.
That night I stand at the kitchen window and look out at the room over the barn, wondering what he’s up to.
What he’s feeling. Whether he hates me. He has every right to.
But still, I like to know he’s there. When he’s gone in a couple of days, I can go back to my same existence as before. I was happy then. I think.