Chapter 5 #2
“Your mom did the best she could. I know it wasn’t much, but the best thing she did for you was reach out to me when you were a baby. I think…I think she knew that she couldn’t be what you needed, and she made sure to have someone there for you that could be.”
That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.
There’s no reason to dump what I really thought about Samantha and what kind of a mother she turned out to be on Sydney.
That Samantha was more like our own mother than she ever knew or wanted to admit.
But thankfully, I was there to pick up the pieces time and time again.
I didn’t do it for Samantha. I did it for Syd, and I’d have done it over and over for her.
I’ll do anything for this kid, even if it means staying in Shine where I’m the one who isn’t wanted.
“Barrett has barely said more than three words to me since I’ve been here. Then he shows up with a lawyer, and all of a sudden, he wants to be a dad? I don’t get it.” The hurt in her voice kicks the pieces of my broken heart around.
Freya’s words tumble through my head about not showing Sydney the disdain Barrett and I have had for each other since we met. So I do what I always did with Samantha, and bury it deep inside.
“He didn’t know about you,” I tell her honestly.
What I don’t tell her is how long it took me to believe that.
“My father lied. He never told Barrett your mom was pregnant, but he told your mom he did. He told us he paid Barrett to choose you or money and that he chose money. She hated him all these years over a lie.”
That hurts to say. The what-ifs run through my mind. What if Syd would have had a father all these years? What if Sam and Barrett would have provided Sydney with a stable home?
What if? What if? What if?
“You believe him?” she asks me with wide—dare I say hopeful—eyes.
“I do. And I can only imagine what a shock it was to meet you yesterday, especially having no idea of your existence.” I place a hand on her knee. “I’m not saying he handled it correctly, not by a long shot, but maybe you can give him another chance?”
Sydney’s gaze lands on her backpack as she considers my question. “What about you? Are you going to give him a chance?”
Oof. That’s a hard one. My dislike for Barrett was present before I found out about the payoff and thinking he ran out on my pregnant sister. And our little reunion hasn’t exactly been friendly.
But again, like Freya said, and like I’ve always done, it has to be about what’s best for Sydney. My feelings can’t play a part in it. I know my niece well enough to know that if she doesn’t see me trying, she won’t either, as some sort of loyalty to me.
“We have a past, but I’m willing to put it aside.
He never had the chance to know you, Syd.
No matter what problems we had when we were kids”—or just over an hour ago—”I’m going to work to get past it.
And he’s going to do the same. Because we both want what’s best for you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“Do you think we can trust him?” she asks.
I can tell by her question, now that we have the facts, that she wants to trust him—or at least she wants me to tell her that I do.
“Why would you think you can’t? Did something happen last night when you came?” The Barrett I knew years ago wasn’t necessarily untrustworthy, just a cocky asshole. But if Sydney saw something last night, then that will change things for me and this situation.
“He was really drunk. Lucy said he’s not always like that, it was just his birthday, but…”
She doesn’t need to clarify. Her mom was an alcoholic, among other things.
“I get it. I say let’s wait and see. If you’re uncomfortable, you let me know.” I don’t care if I’m fighting this battle on two fronts; if Syd is scared, I’ll fight my father, Barrett, and his entire club.
“There’s one more thing.” She bites the inside of her cheek.
“I don’t know how many more things I can take, kid,” I say with a sad chuckle.
“My mom gave me a stuffed elephant. She said Barrett won it for her. She wanted me to give it back to him. I thought she was babbling nonsense.”
In reality, she probably was. The last few years have been hard on Sam, hard on all of us. And hardest on Syd.
“Do you have it with you?” I ask.
Syd gets up from the bed and trudges over to her bag in the corner. When she opens it, she pulls out an old stuffed animal that was probably once gray and white but has discolored over the years. Syd hands me the elephant, and I look at it, not noticing anything out of the ordinary about it.
“Looks like a regular carnival prize to me.” I actually remember the night he won this.
I also remember her telling her friends he won it for her and him correcting her, saying he played a game and won a prize and that it wasn’t a big deal.
In all honesty, that made me laugh at the time.
It was typical Samantha behavior—trying to rub something in her friends’ faces.
I thought it was at least amusing that Barrett was the one to nudge her off that high horse.
“I was going to give it to him last night, but I don’t know why she would want him to have it. I’m not…” Syd picks at her nail, her tell that she doesn’t know how to say what she’s feeling.
“You’re not sure about him, or you aren’t ready to part with it?” I ask, trying to help her sort through her feelings.
She shrugs one shoulder. “Both, I guess.”
“That’s completely fine, sweetie. You hold on to it, and when you’re ready, you can give it to him.”
To be honest, it was probably something Sam held on to for whatever reason she had, and was in one of her drug-fueled manic episodes when she gave it to Syd.
A knock sounds at the door. Syd calls for whoever is on the other side to come in, and Barrett peeks his head around the door.
“Hey, uh…your room is right next door,” he tells me. “Figured you’d want to be close.”
“Thanks,” I say, and in the spirit of putting the past behind us, I give him what I hope is an appreciative smile. He gives me a strange look, so I’m not quite sure I’m pulling it off as well as I’d hoped.
Barrett’s eyes ping-pong between me and Syd. “Are you hungry or anything? Thirsty?”
Syd shakes her head, but isn’t quite meeting his eyes.
“I think we’re good. Cece cooked up a huge breakfast.”
Barrett nods, and the tension in the room feels like we could cut it with a fucking knife. I hate this for Syd.
“Do you like coffee?” he asks, still standing awkwardly in the doorway to her room.
“Depends,” she answers.
“If it’s one that tastes more like a milkshake than coffee, then she absolutely loves those.” What can I say? This is awkward as hell, and someone needs to help break the ice.
Barrett nods. “There’s a great coffee shop in town. Cece even sells some of her shi—uh—I mean, baked goods there. Want to go? I can show you guys around town a bit.”
I stifle my laugh at Barrett’s hesitancy to curse in front of Sydney. My niece, on the other hand, is pulling at the thread in the small hole of her jeans and still not meeting his gaze.
“I think that sounds great,” I say, injecting excitement into my voice that I don’t feel. But someone has to be the bridge between these two, and it looks like it’s going to be me.
“Okay, I’ll pull my truck to the front. Meet you guys out there,” Barrett says and shoots a look toward Sydney then to me.
I smile again, not sure that it looks genuine. But hey, I’m trying. “Sounds good.”
When he closes the door behind him, I tap Sydney’s knee. “Come on, kiddo. Let’s get the nickel tour from Barrett and let him buy us some coffee and cookies.”
At that, her lips tip up in a barely there smile. The thing about Syd is you can’t force her to like, or even trust, someone. She has to do that in her own time. The only thing I can do is show her that the effort is worth making by doing it myself.
No matter how much I don’t necessarily want to.