Chapter 27
Twenty-Seven
BASS
Like a dumb ass, I call her first.
She picks up the phone, which I take as a hopeful sign, except she doesn't say a word.
"Kai?"
Silence.
"Kai, are you okay?"
More silence.
"Listen, I know you're pissed, and you have every right to be, but I just want to talk to you. Give me five minutes. I can make this right."
Nothing.
"Can I come to you?" I ask in a hushed voice. "Yeah, I'll come to you."
Then she finally speaks.
"Leave me the fuck alone, Morelli.”
Heavy on the fuck.
The call ends, and my body chills.
I sit with my head cradled in my hands for I don't know how long, but then I work on my plan B.
I wake up reaching for her. My hands remember the curve of her waist before my brain catches up, and then I'm staring at empty sheets that still smell faintly like her coconut leave-in conditioner because I'm sick enough to have not washed them.
For three days now, I've been strategizing, planning, and fighting every goddamn instinct in my body that screams at me to show up at her door, drop to my knees, and beg.
The night everything fell apart, I grabbed my sneakers, ready to chase after her.
Neo and Shane stopped me before I made it to the front door, and I took my self-loathing out on the one person I could, Gia.
But my two co-captains were right about giving Kai some room, and they were right about my culpability in Gia's meltdown.
I fucking hate that they were right.
So instead of chasing, I plan. For the first time in my privileged ass life, I approach something off the ice with the same strategic intensity I bring to hockey. I make lists. I research. I figure out exactly what Kai stands to lose and what I can do to minimize the damage.
Thanks to some reluctant intel from Sue, I learn that Kai's presentation featuring our work together is coming up. And I've spent the last few days making sure she still has a future career to present it for, even while my chest feels like someone's been jumping up and down on it in my sleep.
And then of course, I can't stop thinking about her hands.
It's a weird fucking thing to obsess over, but I was lying awake at 3 am, remembering the way her fingers tap against her thigh when she's nervous.
The way she twists her silver love knot ring when she's thinking hard about something.
The way those same hands feel pressed flat against my chest, right over my heartbeat, like she's checking to make sure I'm real.
Hell, I'm not sure I am anymore. Not without her.
***
Today I'm meeting with Professor Murphy.
Walking into an academic office voluntarily feels unnatural, but I do it anyway.
My leg bounces the entire time I sit in that hard-ass plastic chair outside her door, and I keep rubbing my palm across my jaw as if I can somehow wipe away the exhaustion I know is written all over my face.
There's no pity in her eyes. In fact, she looks at me like I'm a roach that crawled across her desk. "Mr. Morelli. This is unexpected."
"You know who I am?" I ask, surprised that she recognizes my name.
"Of course I do. The VCU hockey team's poster is plastered across this entire campus."
"I bet you weren't expecting me today."
"That's an understatement." She gestures to the chair across from her desk. "Sit. I assume this is about Miss Vega?"
Just hearing her name makes my chest seize up. Three syllables. Kai Vega. How can three syllables contain so much?
I sit, feeling like a defendant in a trial where the verdict has already been decided. "Yes, ma'am."
"I've already received the formal notification about your.
.. relationship." She says the word like it tastes bitter, and I have to physically stop myself from defending what we had.
What we have. Because it's not past tense.
It can't be. "I have to say, I'm deeply disappointed.
Not in you, because… well, I don't know you well enough to be disappointed.
But Kai? I expected better judgment from her. "
Something hot and defensive flares in my chest. Kai's judgment is fucking fine.
Her judgment is perfect. I'm the one who keeps pushing, who can't stay in my lane, who looked at her that first day in the locker room and thought, there she is, like I'd been waiting for her my whole damn life without knowing it.
"That's why I'm here." I lean forward, forcing myself to meet the professor's eyes instead of staring at my hands like I want to. "Whatever happened between us, it's my fault. I pursued her. I pushed. She tried to keep things professional, but I wouldn't let her."
Professor Murphy's eyebrows rise slightly. "Are you saying Miss Vega is blameless in this?"
"No, she made her own choices." Choices that included kissing me like I was oxygen and she was drowning.
"But the power dynamic was uneven from the start.
I'm the one with the platform. I'm the one who can walk away from this with my future intact while hers gets destroyed.
That's not fair, and I'm not going to let it happen. "
"And what exactly do you propose to do about it?"
This is the part I've been dreading. The part that may cost me everything.
But then I think about Kai in front of that committee, defending her research, her voice steady even when her hands shake.
I think about how hard she's worked. How many nights did she stay up late poring over data, sacrificing sleep, sacrificing fun, sacrificing everything for this dream? A lot of them…until she met me.
I think about the way she looked at me when I told her how easy things have always come to me. Hockey. Women. It was like she saw the guy I could be, and not just the overindulged athlete I'd always been.
"I want to make a formal statement to the athletic department and to your department, taking full responsibility for violating the code of conduct agreement," I say, and my voice doesn't waver.
"I want it on record that I initiated the relationship, that I pressured Kai into continuing it, and that any blame should fall on me, not her. "
Professor Murphy studies me for a long moment. The retro-looking office clock on her wall ticks loud enough to sound like a heartbeat.
"That's quite noble. But it's also a lie, isn't it? From what I understand, the relationship was consensual."
"It was. I mean, obviously it was.” More than consensual. It was inevitable. It was gravity. "But Kai had everything to lose, and I had nothing. I should have been the one to walk away. That's on me."
“From what I hear, you have a lot more to worry about than how the department handles Kai’s relationship with you. The athletic department takes assault allegations seriously. I’m not even sure you should be in my office right now. It doesn’t seem to be the best use of your time, considering.”
My stomach churns, but I force myself to nod. The possibility of the NHL has been my whole world. Now it feels like a distant second place.
“I’m exactly where I need to be.”
"Why?" She tilts her head, and for the first time, genuine curiosity breaks through her professional demeanor. "Why would you sacrifice your future for a girl you've known for a few months?"
Because I love her.
The words rise up so fast they almost spill out of my mouth. Four simple fucking words that would change everything, that would make this real in a way I'm not sure I can take back. But I hold them back because the words aren't for Professor Murphy.
They're for Kai.
"Because she's going to do big things someday. Bigger than she even realizes,” I say instead, and I mean every fucking syllable.
"She's brilliant and driven, and she works harder than anyone I've ever met.
The world needs people like Kai Vega." I swallow hard.
"It doesn't need another hockey player."
Professor Murphy is quiet for so long that I start to wonder if I've completely misjudged everything. Maybe she's going to throw me out. Maybe she's already made up her mind about Kai, and nothing I said today was ever going to matter.
Then she sighs, removes her rectangular-shaped glasses, and rubs her eyes.
"Mr. Morelli, I'm going to be honest with you.
I've been teaching for thirty years. I've seen a lot of young men come through this university—athletes, fraternity boys, trust fund kids who think the rules don't apply to them. Most of them have never once set foot in my office to take responsibility for anything.”
"I'm not most of them."
Not anymore.
Thanks to loving Kai.
"No," Professor Murphy says slowly. "I'm beginning to see that.
" She replaces her glasses and folds her hands on the desk.
"I can't promise anything. The decision about Kai's standing in the program isn't entirely up to me, but I can tell you that your statement will be taken into consideration.
Her presentation will proceed tomorrow as scheduled. "
I exhale so hard I probably look like I'm about to pass out. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me yet. You still have the athletic department to deal with."
***
I barely sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I see Kai's face the moment Gia opened her big ass mouth. All I see is the way she looked at me like I was just another disappointment in a life that has already handed her too many. That look is going to haunt me for the rest of my goddamn life.
But I need to shake that shit off because next up is the athletic department.
Coach Dixon is there, along with the athletic director, the compliance officer, and some administrator I don't recognize. They have a copy of Gia's complaint spread out on the table like evidence in a crime scene.
I tell them everything.
The relationship with Kai. The fact that I pursued her despite the code of conduct. The confrontation with Gia, which I describe in painstaking detail, including the part where I grabbed her throat.