Chapter 24
24
It took several days for the shock to wear off. Unfortu nately that left Beth with no buffer against the pain she felt. Discovering who and what her brother was so soon after losing both Teddy and Jana had been like a nearly mortal emotional injury—recovering would take a long time. But going through the motions of her life helped, and when it came to distractions, being at work was a big one.
Thursday, a little after one, Yolanda stuck her head in the prep kitchen.
“Mr. Kazinsky just walked in, Boss. I thought you’d want to know.”
“Finally,” Beth said, stripping off her disposable gloves and heading for the front of the store. “He hasn’t been in this whole week. I was getting worried.” She smiled at her employee. “Thanks for telling me. I appreciate it.”
“I was worried, too. He’s an old man. Anything could happen.”
Ugh. Not something Beth wanted to think about. She couldn’t take any more bad news for at least six months.
She got the container of the special horseradish cream sauce she’d prepared from the under-counter refrigerator, then collected half a sliced baguette, roast beef and Brie. After putting the sandwich together, sans cucumber, she grilled it, then added the sauce and sliced cucumber before placing it on a paper plate, along with a fruit cup. By the time Mr. Kazinsky reached the front of the line, the sandwich was ready.
“You’re a fine-looking woman who takes good care of me,” he told Beth as he paid. “If I was twenty years younger, I’d ask you to marry me.”
She grinned at their familiar banter. “If you were twenty years younger, I’d say yes.”
She collected two bottles of organic soda, and together they walked to one of the open tables. She hovered, watching as the older man carefully lowered himself into his chair, then put his cane on the floor under the table and out of the way of other guests.
“We haven’t seen you in a while,” she said, opening the first bottle and passing it to him. “Were you off in the Bahamas again?”
Mr. Kazinsky, nearly eighty, with thick glasses and gnarled hands, winked at her. “I wish. I could use a little time somewhere warm.”
“Is this where I mention it’s seventy-eight outside?”
“At my age, that’s chilly weather.” He patted his chest. “I wasn’t traveling. I had a little cold. I’m fine now.”
“I’m glad.”
She knew her friend lived in a retirement community nearby. He’d moved there after he’d lost his wife three years before, which was when he’d started coming into her store. At first they’d only said hello, but a few months ago, she’d started taking the time to have lunch with him.
She gave him a few minutes to eat the first half of his sandwich, telling him about Kai’s success at the weekend surf tournament and how Yolanda’s oldest wanted to enter the school’s spelling bee.
“The word list is twenty-five pages long,” Beth said. “She showed me a copy. There are at least a dozen words on each page I’d have to look up.”
“So she’s hoping he changes his mind,” Mr. Kazinsky said with a grin. “I know that’s what I’d want.”
“I think she’s a little nervous about the process. So what’s new in your world?”
“It’s been six months since my daughter kicked out her no-good husband.”
Beth took a second to realize what that meant. “I can’t believe it’s been that long. Does she still want you to move in?”
When his daughter had thrown out her cheating husband—and what was it about men and being faithful?—she’d asked her father to move in with her. Mr. Kazinsky hadn’t wanted her making an emotional decision, so he had insisted she wait six months to see what happened.
“She does,” he said. “We talked about it over the weekend. She said she and the grandkids discussed it, and they want me there.” He frowned. “But I don’t know.”
“What about your life at the retirement community? Would you miss your friends?”
“Some, but they’d only be a few blocks away. I’d still see them.” He looked at Beth. “I’m an old man. I wouldn’t want to be a burden.”
“You’re kind of not the burden type.” Mr. Kazinsky was sweet, thoughtful and funny. “I live with my aunt, and it works for both of us. A friend of mine—” Her chest tightened as she thought of Jana and Teddy.
She cleared her throat. “A friend of mine and her daughter live with her brother and his three kids. Extended families can work.” She reached across the table and lightly touched his arm. “But you have to promise, whatever you decide, that you’ll still come in here every now and then.”
“Are you kidding? I’m still hoping to convince you to run away with me.”
They talked for a few more minutes before Beth got him a to-go box for the second half of his sandwich and packed it up for him. She cleared a couple of tables, smiling as she overheard a very nervous teenage boy ask out a pretty girl about his age. The moment got better when she said yes.
Later, she had her new hire finish his paperwork before introducing him to Kai, who would supervise his training. An unexpected and very large sandwich order came in at four thirty for a five-o’clock pickup. She and the afternoon shift scrambled to get it done. As they all worked together, Beth realized that for the first time in several days, she felt okay. Not great or even good, but her chest didn’t hurt, and she could go five minutes without wanting to cry.
Yes, she ached for Teddy, and she missed Jana. Yes, she was sad and confused about her brother, and the road to mental wellness seemed steep and daunting. But as she added sliced turkey to bread, she knew that Surf Sandwiches had become so much more than simply a business she’d purchased because she wanted her uncle to help put Rick through medical school.
She loved what she did here. She’d created something wonderful that her customers adored. Her employees were happy. When she’d gone online with a job opening, she’d had over fifty applicants. Nearly everyone had mentioned they knew someone who worked at Surf Sandwiches, and they wanted to be on the team.
That was on her, she thought, fighting against the knee-jerk reaction to put herself down. She waited for the negative thoughts—the voice in her head telling her she wasn’t ever going to be enough—to fade. When they didn’t, she thought maybe she should listen to her aunt and start journaling.
Once the big online order was finished, Beth made a couple of sandwiches and added a few salads to a to-go bag. She drove to the food bank and parked next to Jana’s car, then got out to wait. A few minutes after six, she saw her friend—her former friend—walk outside.
Regret swept through her—for what she’d done and for what she’d lost. She’d sacrificed her friendship with Jana in a misguided attempt to protect her brother. More fool her.
No, she told herself firmly. She wasn’t going to beat herself up over Rick. That was the first step in healing. She’d done what she’d done with the best of intentions. Now her job was to figure out when everything had changed and to learn from her painful lessons. After that, she would think about forgiveness—for her sake, not his. But that was for later. Right now she had to speak with her friend.
Jana spotted her and came to a stop. Beth couldn’t read her expression. She wanted to rush toward her and hug her. She also wanted to run in the opposite direction and hide. Instead she simply stayed where she was and waited. Finally Jana walked toward her.
“You weren’t at your shift,” Jana said, her voice neutral, her expression unreadable.
“I changed days.” Beth raised and lowered one shoulder. “I didn’t know how you were doing or what you were thinking, but I figured seeing me wouldn’t be good for you.”
“Okay.”
They stared at each other.
“I want to apologize,” Beth said quickly, before Jana could leave. “Please, if you’d just let me do that. I know I don’t deserve your time, but I’m asking all the same.”
Jana nodded without speaking.
Beth hadn’t figured out what she was going to say, but she had a general idea of simply blurting out the truth and then dealing with the consequences.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you Rick was dating Galaxy. At first I had no idea. I thought he wasn’t seeing anyone but you. It never occurred to me he was the type of man to cheat.” She paused. “Honestly, I didn’t think he would know how. I was totally suckered by his act. These past few days, I’ve been thinking about how he’s different now. He’s not the kid I grew up with. I’m trying to figure out when it all changed, but he’s kept so much from me. I’ll probably never know, and I’m not sure my knowing makes any difference to you.”
“Probably not,” Jana murmured.
“Right. I need to get to the point. I saw him with Galaxy. Her father’s an astrophysicist, by the way. I guess that’s why she has that name, although honest to God, Galaxy?” She shook her head. “Sorry. Anyway, I saw them together, and I couldn’t believe it. I confronted Rick. He said she’d flirted with him, and he’d been shocked and caught up in being popular.”
As she spoke, she realized how ridiculous the words sounded. Yet she’d believed him.
“He said he’d been a fool and that you were the woman he wanted to be with. He promised to break things off with Galaxy, and I believed him.”
“Because you wanted to,” Jana said, her expression unreadable.
But the words were enough of a blow. Beth let her gaze fall as she nodded slowly.
“Yes, I wanted to keep the secret. I was dating Teddy, and I knew if I told you what had happened, I was risking our relationship as well. The two of you were so important to me.” She pressed her hands together, twisting her fingers. “I was wrong—I get that. And I don’t say any of this to justify what I did. It’s just everything was so perfect. You and I were getting close, and I desperately wanted that friendship to continue. At the same time, being with your brother was magical. I’d never felt like that before, so the thought of not seeing him again, of us not being together… I wasn’t strong enough.”
She felt her eyes burning, but blinked away the tears. “I hurt you. I hurt you so much. I was a terrible friend when you’ve been nothing but kind to me. You let me into your life. I got to meet Linnie and hang out, and that was so precious. I’m so sorry for repaying you with lies and betrayal.”
“You thought he’d broken up with Galaxy?” Jana asked.
“Yes. I swear, I believed they were done. More than once, Rick told me he was grateful I’d made him see what was important. That you were special and he wanted the relationship to go somewhere.”
Jana’s mouth twisted. “He’s good with a line, I’ll give him that.”
Beth’s throat tightened. “I don’t understand. I’ve been trying to figure out how he played me. How could I have been so wrong about my own brother? I thought I knew him, but I don’t at all. I keep remembering how when we were kids and our mom was off doing something dangerous, we’d take care of each other. I protected him from bullies and he helped me with my math homework. We were a team. But somehow that all became something else, and I didn’t notice.”
She squared her shoulders and drew in a breath. Now came the really hard part. “Last Saturday, Galaxy came to see me at the store. I thought they’d broken up, so I was shocked to see her. I thought maybe she wanted me to help her get Rick back, but according to her, all was well with them. I realized he hadn’t broken up with her at all. She told me they’d been together for nine months and they were in love.”
Jana looked away. “I wasn’t the one cheated on. I was the one he cheated with.”
“I didn’t know,” Beth said miserably. “I swear, I had no idea. She kept talking about how great things were with Rick, and I kept thinking about you and how wrong he was and how you were going to be hurt.”
She brushed away tears. “She was nice. I think that makes it worse. She works at the urgent care in his Santa Monica office building. He can’t even be bothered to go find the women he dates. He picks them up in the building.”
Seconds later, she realized that might have sounded bad. “I’m not blaming you.”
“I get that. He’s an asshole. I’m sorry to dis your brother, but he is. I don’t like hearing the truth, but it can’t touch me anymore.”
“You ended things?” Beth asked. “I’d wondered.”
Jana nodded. “He came by to try to—” She made air quotes. “Explain. I dumped him. In a way, his coming by clarified a lot of things for me. He was a mistake from the beginning. I was sucked in by a very practiced liar. I’m still working on not blaming myself, and that’s tough, but I’m getting better.” She looked at her. “Was there anything else?”
Her cool voice, the disinterested question, cut Beth down to her heart.
“I miss you,” she whispered. “So much. I regret losing our friendship.”
“How much of that is about me, and how much of it is that you lost Teddy, too?”
“It’s both. You were someone I cared about. I admire you and what you’re doing with your life. You’re an inspiration.”
Jana grimaced. “Hardly.”
“You are. You’re a great mom. Linnie is wonderful, and you’re so lucky to have her.” There were more tears, but Beth ignored them. “I know this can’t be fixed. I accept responsibility for my part in that and how I hurt you. I’m desperately sorry.”
She paused. “Stupid words, but they’re true.”
She opened the back door of her car and pulled out the to-go bag, along with an extra-large shopping bag with a wrapped box inside.
“These are for you.”
She passed over both. Jana hesitated before taking them.
“I don’t understand,” the other woman admitted.
“One’s dinner because it’s Thursday and, well, I know the kids are with Dex and you’re probably hungry. The other is a graduation present. I know it’s in a few days. Obviously I won’t be there, but I’ll be thinking of you, and I wanted to say congratulations.”
Jana shook her head and held out the shopping bag. “I can’t.”
“Please take it. I want you to have it.” The tears fell faster. “I screwed up, and nothing can change that. But please know that despite my actions, I really was your friend. I wish you and Linnie every happiness. Always.”
With that, she turned and got in her car. In the mirror, she saw Jana stayed where she was, watching until Beth turned out of the parking lot. She carefully drove about two blocks, then pulled into a grocery store parking lot and gave in to the sobs. She wasn’t sure how long she cried, but after what felt like hours, there was finally nothing left inside. She wiped her face on a tissue, then headed for home.
All the loose ends were tied up. She’d apologized, and now it was time for her to move on. The lessons learned would stay with her always. In the end, she would be a better person. A stronger person. And next time, God willing, she would do much, much better.
* * *
“You okay?”
Jana looked up and saw Dex in the hallway. She sat at her built-in desk, Beth’s still-wrapped package in front of her.
“I’m fine.” She tried to smile and failed. “Are you heading out?” Because if he was, she would return to the family room to watch the rest of the movie with the kids.
“Not yet.” He studied her, then nodded at the box. “A graduation present?”
“I guess. It’s from Beth.”
Dex pulled up the spare chair and took a seat. “You saw her today?”
“She came by the food bank.” She ran her finger along the silver ribbon that encircled the blue wrapping paper. “I wasn’t even sure about taking my shift, but then I went.”
“Sure.” Dex grinned. “Because you’d never miss a shift.”
“I wouldn’t unless I had an urgent reason. Being uncomfortable because a friend of mine didn’t tell me her brother was cheating on me…” She sighed. “Or with me, doesn’t count.”
She looked at him. “She wasn’t there. I saw her when I left. She said she’d changed days so she wouldn’t upset me.”
“That was thoughtful.”
“Are you being funny?”
“Nope. Stating the obvious. It was thoughtful of her to change days.”
Jana eyed him suspiciously. “You’re taking her side.”
“I’m Team Jana.”
“Sorry. I’m a little touchy. I’m also confused, faintly nauseous and feeling incredibly stupid because I miss her. Until the whole Rick cheating thing, she was a good friend.” She looked at him. “She was so good with Linnie.”
He watched her without speaking.
Jana drew in a breath. “She said she was sorry, then she explained how it all happened. I mostly listened. Then she gave me dinner because on Thursday she always brings me dinner.” Her voice shook a little. “And she gave me this.”
“How was dinner?”
“Good.” She managed a smile. “She makes a really excellent sandwich. There’s extra if you want some.”
“I’m good. We had Thai food.” He grinned. “And mochi ice cream.”
“You spoil them!”
“It’s part of my job.” He nodded at the box. “Are you going to open that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Want me to do it?”
The offer surprised her, then she felt herself relax as she handed over the box. “Yes, please.”
He put the box on his lap and reached for the scissors in the caddy on her desk. After cutting the ribbon, he started to tear the paper, then looked at her.
“Are we saving this?”
She smacked his arm. “Of course not. Just open it!”
“You’re violent. I think that scares me a little.”
“Dex, come on.”
He flashed her a smile, then ripped the paper and lifted the top of the box. She gasped when she saw the beautiful leather messenger bag nestled inside.
“It’s gorgeous.” She picked it up and felt the soft smoothness of the rich brown leather. “It’ll be perfect for nursing school.”
“I’m thinking that was her point. Well, damn. Now I have to get you something better than the pencil box I was going to buy.”
“Yes, you do.” She opened the bag and looked inside. There were side pockets and one big zippered one. She stood and slipped the cross-body strap over her head.
“Looks good on you.”
“I love it!”
“I’m glad.”
She flung herself at him. Dex pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her, even after she started to cry.
“I’m so confused,” she admitted.
“You don’t have to decide anything now.”
“I miss her.”
“That’s allowed.”
“You’re not going to tell me I’m wrong?” she asked.
“You’re not. You feel how you feel. I respect that.”
His gaze was direct, his face familiar. Dex had been a part of her life nearly as long as she could remember. He was so good with the kids and steady and a great friend.
Find someone who is always there for you. Someone you already like and trust.
Teddy’s words echoed in her head, surprising her and making her suddenly feel awkward being so close to Dex. She cleared her throat and quickly took a step back. No way, she told herself. He wasn’t talking about Dex. He couldn’t be. They were friends, nothing more.
“You, ah, sure about that extra sandwich?” she asked, avoiding his gaze.
“I am.” He glanced at his watch. “If you’re going to be all right by yourself, I’ll head home.”
“Of course. Thank you. Have a good night.”
He nodded and left. She stared after him. No, she told herself. She wasn’t interested in Dex, and he wasn’t interested in her. Only now that the thought had formed, she had no idea how to make it go away.