Chapter 23
23
Jana carefully squeezed limes into the shaker. She’d al ready measured out Cointreau and tequila. Teddy walked into the kitchen.
“Margaritas?” he asked. “Not your usual thing.”
“I’m celebrating, and you’re going to join me, because it would be sad to drink alone.”
“What are we celebrating?”
“I saw Rick today.”
Teddy raised his eyebrows. “You’re getting back together?”
“God, no!”
She looked into the shaker and decided she had enough juice, then poured in the other ingredients and added ice. Once she’d put the cap on, she shook it until the metal container frosted over, then uncapped it and poured the margaritas into the waiting glasses.
She handed Teddy one of the drinks and took the other for herself, then raised it slightly.
“To me. I told off the asshole.” She took a sip and sighed at the tart, delicious taste. “He came in all smarmy and smug, acting like nothing was wrong. He wanted me to forgive him.”
“Dick,” her brother muttered.
“Tell me about it. I told him he’d cheated and lied and that it was over.” She leaned against the counter. “He turned into someone else. He basically said I couldn’t do better and that it was all my fault. There’s something wrong with him. That nice, ‘aw shucks’ thing is an act. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.”
She took another drink. “While I’m going to have to deal with that, he’s gone and I’m relieved. I’ll tell you, seeing who he is really helped me deal with the whole missing him thing. I’m done with him.”
“I’m glad.”
There was something in Teddy’s tone. “What? Don’t say you hired some guy to beat him up.”
“I wouldn’t do that. I’d ask Dex to take care of him.”
She smiled. “Dex has the skill set.” She put down her glass and faced her brother. “You’re thinking of Beth.”
“It’s the day for dealing with the Nield family,” he said with a lightness that didn’t reach his eyes. “I went to see her today and ended things.”
She sighed, not surprised but unexpectedly sad. “Because you wanted her to be clear. You wouldn’t just let it die on its own.”
She supposed it was the right thing to do, but it had to have hurt both of them. She knew how much her brother had cared about Beth. She walked to him and hugged him.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
She stepped back and looked at him. “It’s not. You and Beth were doing great. I feel like it’s my fault you’re not together.”
“Hey, no.” His voice was serious. “This isn’t on you. Not any of it. You’re the innocent party in all this. Rick is some kind of monster, and you got caught up in his twisted game.”
“Maybe I’m not the only one.”
Her brother stared at her. “You’re okay with what Beth did? She lied, Jana. She let you date her brother, knowing what he’d done.”
“I know. I’m still upset. She was wrong.”
“But?”
“I don’t know. Like I said before, seeing Rick for who he is kind of changed my view of everything. Beth’s a good person. I miss her. And I can see she was in an impossible situation.”
“Assuming she didn’t know what Rick is.”
There was that. “I can’t believe she did.”
“You don’t sound convinced.”
“From everything I’ve seen about her, she wouldn’t deliberately hurt either of us.”
He picked up his glass. “How about if we make a hard and fast rule? No dating brothers and sisters again.”
“I can drink to that.”
They touched glasses. She looked at Teddy.
“You need to talk to her.”
“I already did. There’s nothing else to say. I did the responsible thing and ended it in person. We’re finished.”
“But you’re in love with her.”
He flinched slightly. “I’ll get over it.”
“Don’t not be with her for me. I don’t want that responsibility.”
“What happened isn’t about you,” he told her. “It’s about what she did.”
“Maybe she didn’t have a choice.”
“I get that, but she hurt you, and that crosses a line for me.”
She glared at him, but he seemed unmoved.
“Relationships suck,” she said. “I’m done. Paul was a bully, and Rick is some kind of narcissistic sociopath. I have the worst taste in men. I was obviously not meant to be in a relationship.”
“That’s because you’re looking for love in all the wrong places.”
She frowned. “Wasn’t that a song?”
“Very funny.” He finished his drink and set the glass on the counter. “Find someone who is always there for you. Someone you already like and trust.”
“What are you talking about?”
He shook his head. “You really don’t get it, do you?”
“Get what?”
“You’re going to have to figure that out for yourself.”
* * *
The banging on the front door was insistent. Beth hurried to pull it open, only to find her brother standing on the front porch.
He shot her a death glare before pushing past her and stalking into the house.
Usually she was happy to see him—even when he dropped by without telling her in advance—but tonight was different. She still hadn’t come to terms with everything that had happened. No—that wasn’t right. She hadn’t come to terms with everything he’d done. Because the disasters that had followed were on him.
He paced the room, looking furious and distraught. Any other time that combination would have made her feel instantly guilty, but right now she felt zero need to apologize. She’d done nothing wrong, at least not in the way he’d meant. She’d kept the truth about him from a dear friend and from the man she loved, which was totally on her, but the root cause was all Rick.
He stopped at the far end of the living room and spun to face her. “What the hell were you thinking?” he demanded. “You ruined everything.”
“I take it that means Jana wasn’t willing to forgive you?”
“No, she ended things. She wouldn’t even let me explain.” He glared at her. “You really screwed up, Beth. You could have kept your mouth shut, but you didn’t. You screwed up, and now you have to fix it.”
His statement was so outrageous, she nearly laughed out loud.
“No way,” she told him, determined to stand her ground. “You’re the one who messed up, not me. This is all on you. I’m just collateral damage.”
“You told. Why couldn’t you keep the truth to yourself?”
“Why couldn’t you keep it in your pants? You’ve been cheating on Galaxy for months. I don’t get it. Why do you need them both?”
He moved closer, his fury taking up the oxygen in the room. “Because I can,” he said as he glared at her. “Because it’s easy and I like the game. I play and I win. Everyone likes winning.”
She had no idea what he was saying. Oh, the words were all simple enough to comprehend, but strung together in a sentence—not so much.
“But you’ve had horrible luck with women in the past. They take advantage of you.”
His expression turned pitying. “None of that happened. Those were just stories I told you to keep you on my side.” He smiled. “You take care of me, Beth, and I like that.”
“No,” she whispered in horror. She had suspected, briefly, but as those fears were confirmed, she felt the blood drain from her face. “You’re lying.” He had to be. Because if he wasn’t, if he really was as awful as he claimed, then she’d destroyed her life for nothing.
“You don’t get it, do you?” he continued, his tone almost kind. “You think I’m still that skinny, too-intelligent baby brother you grew up with. Well, I’m not. I’m brilliant, gifted, and the rules don’t apply.” He pointed at the door. “Out there, I’m a god. Women want to be with me, and they’ll go out of their way to rationalize my behavior to make it happen.”
Her breath caught as the ugly truth slammed into her. This was who he was—this was the real Rick. Not the sweet, bumbling man she’d always thought. She didn’t want to believe it, and she sure as hell didn’t like it.
Agatha had tried to warn her. Even Kai had hinted at the truth. But she hadn’t wanted to listen, hadn’t wanted to know. He was right—she’d heard what she’d wanted to hear, and had ignored the rest.
Even as she admitted the truth, she could feel herself starting to rationalize. He was too smart to understand how he hurt people. He was busy, so he couldn’t take time for things like empathy or caring. But examples lined up like parade floats, each one flashing past her in bright neon colors.
The time he’d told her she wasn’t smart enough to make it in college. The dinner they’d had a week or so before her wedding to Ian, when Rick had said he was glad she’d found someone because he’d worried she would be alone forever. The way he talked about Surf Sandwiches with borderline contempt. How after she’d spent every spare minute looking for condos for him, he’d never thanked her.
Yet despite all that, she struggled to reconcile the man in front of her with the boy she’d known.
“When did you change?” she asked softly.
He shrugged. “I don’t think of it as change so much as an evolution, but if I had to pin it down, I would guess in foster care.” He smiled. “Eleanor, my foster mother, was an orthopedic surgeon. She’s the one who saw my potential, who explained how easily people could be manipulated.”
His mouth twisted. “You were so grateful when Agatha and Dale came to get us, but I wanted to stay where I was. Only I didn’t have a choice. Still, Eleanor and I kept in touch. She was my mentor in college. She’s the one who helped pay for medical school.” His tone sounded reverent. “She’s a great, great woman.”
Beth felt sick to her stomach. Was he telling the truth? Had the last twenty years been a lie?
“This Eleanor person is the reason you act the way you do with women?”
“No. I act the way I do because I like it.”
“Did you ever care about Jana?”
“Sure. She’s great. At some point I want to get married and have kids. She was a contender.”
She felt a little sick to her stomach. “But you were never in love with her.”
“Love is for suckers.”
“Galaxy thinks you’re in love. You’ve been dating her for nine months. Is she a contender, too?”
“Of course. While she’s not the brightest bulb, her father is brilliant. My son could be a genius.”
The calculation of his words left her mentally gasping. “I can’t reconcile what you’re saying with the ten-year-old boy who tried to save me.”
Rick rolled his eyes. “I was a kid. What did I know?”
His casual dismissal burned. “But I’m your sister. I sacrificed for you.”
“Oh, please. What did you do?”
She thought about the money she’d saved for culinary school and how she’d made the deal with her uncle to buy the business. But even as she prepared to mention those things to him, she knew there wasn’t any point. As hard as it was for her to accept—the man in front of her was telling the truth about himself.
Even so, she found herself saying, “I was always there for you. When you graduated from college and then medical school, I was right there in front, clapping the loudest.”
His cold gaze settled on her face. “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, clap.”
The blow would have been crippling, but she’d moved from feeling to numbness. All this time, she thought in disbelief, all these years. He’d never been her family. He hadn’t been anyone she’d thought. She’d loved him and supported him, and somewhere along the way, he’d become a monster.
She stood and walked to the front door. She held it open. Rick stared at her for several seconds, then walked out. He didn’t say anything, not even when he got in his car. She didn’t wait to watch him drive away.
Later, after she’d thrown up, then cried, then thrown up again, she went into the garage and got out the big bin where she kept all the mementos from when they were kids. She looked at photos and the silly handmade birthday cards Rick had given her. For the first time, she realized he’d stopped giving her cards after he’d come back from foster care.
Around dawn, she went into the kitchen to start coffee and saw that Agatha was already up. Her aunt smiled at her, then pulled out ingredients for breakfast.
“I’m in the mood for an omelet. What would you like in yours?”
Beth looked at the kind woman who had rearranged her entire life to take in two children she barely knew. No matter what, Agatha had been there for her, loving and supporting her.
“Rick’s gone,” she said quietly. “He came by last night because he was mad about losing Jana.” She sank onto a kitchen chair and quickly recapped what had happened. “The things he said.” She looked at her aunt. “You were right about him. Why couldn’t I see it?”
“Because you love him, and it’s not in your nature to think the worst of anyone.” Agatha settled next to her and hugged her. “I’m sorry.”
“I can’t feel it yet. I don’t know my own brother. I haven’t known him in years. I thought we were tight, but he was only using me because it was easy. I lied for him. I lost Jana and Teddy for him. He was my family, and now he’s gone.”
Agatha hung on tight. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You believed in him, and that makes you a good person.”
“It makes me a fool.”
“No.” Her aunt drew back and shook her head. “Don’t say that. It’s never wrong to give your heart. You sacrificed out of love, because that’s who you are. Rick’s the broken one, not you.”
“But I didn’t know.”
“That’s the point, Beth. You’re the one who wouldn’t go looking for the bad. You believed in him, you wanted the best for him. Those are wonderful qualities.”
“Maybe, but they don’t feel very good right now.” She blinked back tears. “I’ve been thinking about this all night. You know what I realized? I’ve let him make me feel smaller. He’s said awful things to me, and I accepted them as truth, even though they hurt. I believed him when he said I wasn’t smart or capable.”
A hard truth that had been as shattering as his betrayal. “How do I unlearn that? How do I make myself believe I’ve lost my brother?”
Agatha squeezed her hand. “Right now you don’t do anything but eat something and get some sleep. You can face the rest of it later.”
“While I’d like to follow that advice, it sounds a little bit like avoiding the hard truths. I think we can both agree I’ve already been doing that too much as it is.”
Agatha looked at her. “You want a few hard truths?”
No, Beth thought frantically. She wanted to hide in a cave and lick her wounds for a couple of months. Instead she forced herself to nod. Whatever her aunt said, the words would come from a place of love.
“From the time you were little, you protected Rick,” Agatha began. “Not just because he was your baby brother and you wanted to keep him safe, but because you saw him as special. Rick was the smart one, the one with potential. Somehow you learned the lesson that his life was more important than yours.”
Beth inhaled sharply. “I never thought of it that way. I was always willing to sacrifice, but I didn’t consider that it was because I thought he had more value than me.” She poked around her heart and was shocked to find a rightness sitting there. “That is how I saw things.”
“Then when you were barely a teenager, he saved you from that horrible man’s attack, and in the process was injured. The scar was a tangible reminder of his bravery, his love and how he put himself on the line for you. That only reinforced the dynamic of him being worthy of all you were doing.”
Her aunt got up and poured them each a mug of coffee. She carried them back to the table.
“I’m not saying Rick was always selfish and uncaring. I’m sure when he was younger he was a sweet, loving little boy. I believe we all have a dark side, but most of us have a moral code and possibly social pressures to keep it in check. Rick was left to explore his darker side, and over time, it took over.”
“I don’t want to agree, but you’re right.”
“So much of your relationship is about habit,” Agatha said. “You like taking care of him, and he likes being taken care of. It’s not a bad thing unless the relationship becomes toxic, and in your case, it did.”
“He didn’t see me as an equal,” Beth said slowly, ignoring the pain her own words caused. “He barely saw me as a person. He dismissed me and my life. He doesn’t care I lost Teddy and my friendship with Jana.” She looked at her aunt and swallowed against the tightness in her chest. “I didn’t lose my brother, did I? He’s been gone for a long time.”
“I’m sorry, my dear.”
A gentle way of agreeing.
“So now what?” she asked. “What do I do?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I have no idea,” Beth admitted. “Part of me says to cut him off, but why invest in the drama? What does that even mean? Do I text him and tell him to never call me again?”
Tears fell down her cheeks as she spoke. “What a waste of time,” she whispered, more to herself than her aunt. “He won’t care.”
Agatha reached for her again and held her tight. “You do what feels right. My guess is at this minute, you don’t want to do anything about Rick. I think that’s wise.”
Startled, Beth drew back and stared at her aunt. “You don’t think that’s weak?”
“Not at all. You don’t need anything from him. Oh, a heartfelt apology would go a long way, but that’s not going to happen. So why stress yourself? He’s not important. You are. Focus on healing. In time, you’ll get more clarity about your brother.”
“I thought you’d tell me to cut him off.”
“Never.” Agatha gave her a faint smile. “I’ve been relatively clear on who he is all these years, but I’ve continued to welcome him into my life. Whatever he’s done, he’s still my only nephew. I’m just a little careful with my heart.”
“I’d like to get to that place,” Beth said, thinking about how she wasn’t even through the pain yet. It was going to be a long, ugly road. “How do I get there? And please don’t say therapy. I couldn’t do it.”
Agatha studied her for a second. “No, not therapy. Do you remember when your uncle died?”
“Of course.” His heart attack had been so unexpected, and his death had shocked them all. Agatha had been devastated. She and Dale had been together for nearly forty years. She hadn’t ever been an adult without Dale at her side.
“I joined a grief group—mostly because I got tired of people offering me advice on how to heal. Through that group, I met several women in my exact situation. Their friendship helped me so much.”
Was she suggesting Beth find new friends? After what had happened with Jana, she wasn’t sure she had the skill set.
“And I journaled.”
Beth stared at her blankly. “You what?”
“I journaled. Wait right here.”
Agatha walked out of the kitchen, only to return less than a minute later with two large board game–size boxes. She handed Beth the first one.
“Journaling Kit,” Beth read, hearing the doubt in her voice. “This hasn’t been opened.”
“I overbought,” her aunt said with a smile. “I did three of these the first year after your uncle passed. I told our story, starting at the beginning and working my way up to the present. Take a look.”
Beth ripped open the plastic, then spread out the supplies. There were colored markers, pens and stickers. The journal itself was the size of a notebook, with thick, lined pages.
“You asked where it all started to change with Rick,” her aunt said. “Start at the beginning. Tell your story with your brother. You might surprise yourself with what you find.”
“I’m not a diary person,” Beth said, knowing Agatha was only trying to help, but really? A journal? Who had the time?
“Just try it. Give it a week. If you hate it or think it’s not helping, then stop.” Agatha gave her a gentle smile. “If nothing else, you can call him a big fat poopy head over and over again. That could be satisfying.”
Despite everything, Beth laughed. “I like to think I could be a little more aggressive than that.”
“I don’t know. Calling someone a poopy head is kind of bad-ass.”
Beth looked at her aunt. “You’re always rescuing me.”
“I believe it was just the one time, but I do love you, and I would do anything for you.”
“I love you, too.”
And with those words, Beth realized she did still have family and a soft place to fall. Today, that was going to be enough.