Chapter 26
26
Beth shifted gingerly on her desk chair in her small of fice. She’d just had her fourth lesson with Bert and Rocky, and she was as sore as she’d been the first time. Horseback riding used a set of muscles that weren’t happy about the activity, and wow, did they complain. If she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life whimpering, she obviously needed to start working out regularly. Maybe yoga or Pilates would help, she thought, making a mental note to find a class somewhere nearby.
She completed her soda order and clicked the send button on the website. Business was brisk, which helped. At least her work life was in order.
As for the rest of it, well, she was getting by. In the four weeks since everything had fallen apart, she’d made some progress. She hadn’t seen or spoken to her brother. So far she was fine with that. Agatha had been supportive and loving, always ready to listen. Beth was enjoying the horseback riding, and while it was tough to work at the food bank on a different day and not see Jana, she knew it was the right thing to do.
As for Teddy, well, there still weren’t words to describe her pain. She ached for him in ways she wouldn’t have thought possible. It wasn’t just that she missed him—it was losing out on the promise of what they could have been to each other. While the thought of being a stepmother terrified her, she knew that she’d been willing to give it her all. She missed Magnolia, Atlas and Orchid. And Linnie. Always Linnie.
She drew in a breath and deliberately pushed the sad thoughts away. She’d been doing a lot of reading online about dealing with grief and healing from pain caused by a family member. One of the most helpful suggestions had been to schedule time to feel angry or sad or betrayed. Just twenty minutes a day, at a specific time.
At first she’d been skeptical, but she’d discovered the practice really helped. For her, the window was when she got home from work. She went into her room and did some deep breathing. After that, she had twenty minutes to wrestle with her less positive emotions. During the day, when she found herself wanting to dwell on how her life had gone to shit, she reminded herself that doing that was already on her calendar. Pushing aside the feelings the rest of time was getting easier, and she was feeling lighter and more able to cope.
“Hello, Beth.”
She looked up and was stunned to see Jana standing in the doorway to her office. Beth rose.
“Hi. You’re here.”
A neutral statement when what she really wanted to ask was, “Are you here to yell at me?” Because Jana never had, and it was something Beth figured she deserved. Not that she could tell what Jana was thinking. While she didn’t look angry, she wasn’t exactly smiling, either.
“Last time you did all the talking,” the other woman said. “I figured it was my turn.”
That didn’t sound good, but Beth nodded and motioned to the chair opposite.
“I very much want to listen.” She’d earned whatever Jana wanted to tell her.
But instead of approaching the desk, Jana stayed where she was. “I only have one forgiveness left in me. For what happened, I mean. Not for the rest of my life.”
Beth didn’t know what that meant, so she stayed quiet.
Jana met her gaze. “It’s yours if you want it.”
“The forgiveness? You’re going to forgive me?” She spoke the words without being able to feel them. Shock immobilized her.
“I miss you,” Jana said simply. “I miss us being friends.”
Suddenly Beth was up on her feet and racing across the small room. She reached for her friend just as Jana surged forward. They hugged each other, squeezing hard. Deep inside Beth’s chest, some of the heavy, cold sadness melted, leaving her feeling lighter and warmer.
“I’m sorry,” Beth said when they’d separated. “I’m so sorry about what happened and what I did. Or rather what I didn’t.”
“No,” Jana told her firmly. “No more apologizing. You’ve already done that. I understand why you did what you did. If it had been Teddy, I would have kept his secret. It was a sucky situation, and now it’s behind us.”
Once again Jana impressed her. “I don’t think I could have been so gracious.”
“Oh, I think you would have done way better than me. But I got here.” She pointed to the door. “Can you take a half hour or so? I thought we could walk over to the beach and catch up.”
“I’d love that.”
Beth let Kai know she would be gone for a bit. She and Jana each took a bottle of sparkling water, and they walked out into the warm, sunny day. Once they crossed the highway, they walked onto the sand. In front of them, the Pacific Ocean stretched out to the horizon. The water was a deep blue. The tide was out, and the wide stretch of damp sand made her feel as if they could walk for miles without touching the water.
Once they were settled facing the waves, they opened their drinks, then touched bottles.
“So what’s new?” Beth asked.
Jana laughed. “Oh, you know. The usual. How are you doing?”
Beth suspected her friend was asking about both Rick and Teddy.
“I haven’t talked to my brother in nearly a month,” she said. “I don’t know when I’ll hear from him.” Or if, but she didn’t go there.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Our last conversation was awful. He’s not who I thought. I keep remembering the little boy, but the man is very different.” She smiled at Jana. “Agatha wanted me to start journaling. She gave me a whole kit. Apparently it helped her after my uncle died. I did try for an entire week, and journaling is so not my thing. But she mentioned telling the story of Rick and me. So I’ve been writing out as much as I can remember, starting when Agatha and Dale rescued us from foster care.”
“That’s ambitious. How’s it going?”
“Slow.” Beth grimaced as she thought of how she tried to write a couple of pages every day. “He said a lot of terrible things to me that I either forgot or didn’t want to remember. I’m not sure which. At the time I thought he was being pragmatic and protective, telling me I couldn’t make it in college and trying would be a waste of time. He changed, and I have to accept that.”
Jana’s expression turned sympathetic. “I’m sorry you’re dealing with that.”
“It’s okay, because I am dealing. I know that ignoring what I’ve learned will only hurt me.” She looked at her friend. “At first I thought I’d lost him, but now I understand that he was already gone. I’m seeing the truth.”
“He’s still family.”
“Yes, but he’s not anyone who cares about me. I deserve people who love me and support me in my life. If he’s not going to be that, then I’m better off with him gone.”
Jana nodded. “The words sound good. Do you believe them?”
“Mostly. I have my weak moments when I miss him—or at least the him I thought he was.”
“And Teddy?”
The softly asked question still stabbed her in the heart. She looked out at the ocean, wanting the timelessness of the waves to remind her that life went on. People healed and had lives that were relatively happy, even when they’d lost the one man they would love more than anyone.
“I miss him with every breath,” she said simply.
“I know, and I want to fix it. I don’t know how.”
Beth turned to her. “You can’t, and what happened isn’t about you or your fault. I know that. There’s nothing to fix.” She paused to gather a little courage. “I’m in love with him.” She held up her hand. “Don’t say anything. I just wanted you to know because he’s your brother, and you might worry that I have a little Rick in me. Maybe I do, I don’t know. I hope not. But when it came to Teddy, there was only good.”
She swallowed against the tightness in her chest. “So I’ve said it, and now we’re never going to speak of him again.” She wrinkled her nose. “I take that back. We’re going to talk about him because he’s your brother and stuff will come up. Regular ‘hey, we played volleyball this weekend,’ or whatever. I don’t want you to think you can’t say his name. It’ll be awkward at first, then it will get better.”
She squeezed Jana’s hand. “I want it to get better.”
“Me, too.”
“So, what’s new with you?” Beth asked, ready to stop talking about herself.
“I went and saw Galaxy today.”
Beth stared at her friend. “Holy crap. Seriously? You went and saw her? As in, ‘Hi, I’m the ex’?” She frowned. “ Ex is wrong. This is so complicated. We need new words to describe it all.”
Jana nodded. “We do. I’d been thinking about going to see her, but wasn’t sure if it was the right thing or not. If it was me, I’d want to know my boyfriend was cheating.”
“I would, too.” But Beth wasn’t sure she would have had the courage to confront Galaxy. “What did you say?”
“I told her what had happened with Rick and showed her some selfies, and then I left.”
“Wow.” Beth couldn’t imagine any of that had been comfortable. “I wonder what she’s going to do with the information.” While her interactions with Galaxy had been brief, the other woman had been very sweet and genuine. She deserved someone who treated her better.
“I do, too,” Jana admitted. “If you hear anything, please tell me.”
“I will.”
Her friend looked at her. “I also want you to change back to Thursday at the food bank. It’s not the same without you.”
Beth smiled. “I promise I’ll do that today.”
“Good. I want us to be hanging out again. Maybe we could do something with Linnie.”
Beth nodded. “I’d like that a lot. I’m taking horseback riding lessons.”
“What?” Jana laughed. “That’s so great. How’s it going?”
“Good. I ride a horse named Rocky. He’s huge, but very gentle. He’s patient with me, which I appreciate. Linnie might like learning to ride.”
“She absolutely would. I’m the one who’s too terrified. How about if we just hang out here on the beach instead?”
Beth made a clucking sound.
“Yes, I am a chicken, and proud of it.” Jana glanced at her. “So, there’s Dex news.”
“He’s been secretly dating Taylor Swift for a year and they’re getting married?”
Instead of laughing, Jana looked away. “Not exactly. It turns out he’s in love with me.”
“What?” Beth narrowed her gaze. “You didn’t want to lead with that bit of news?” She tried to grasp the concept. “He’s in love with you? Since when? And how did you find out?”
“After the Rick thing, I told Teddy I was done with dating. Every guy I picked was bad.” Jana groaned. “Jeez, I just said both their names in a sentence. I’m sorry.”
While Beth wanted to take a second and sink into her Teddy sadness, she knew that for her and Jana to regain their friendship, she had to be able to talk about the man without reacting.
“No apologies,” she said quickly. “It’s totally fine.”
“It’s not. You practically flinched.”
“Maybe, but I’m going to get better, so let’s pretend that didn’t happen.” She shifted on the sand so she was facing her friend. “Tell me everything.”
Jana explained about how her brother had told her to find someone she trusted who already cared about her.
“I had no idea what he meant. The only guy we have in common is Dex. But he’s never once hinted we’re anything but friends.”
“I never saw anything,” Beth admitted. “But he would be really good at hiding his feelings.”
Jana stared at her. “The barbecue at our house. When it was all of us—you, Rick, me, Teddy, Dex and the kids.”
“I remember the afternoon. Did something happen? I was so nervous about meeting Teddy’s three that I wouldn’t have noticed a meteor falling to earth.”
“Oh, I’m pretty sure you would have remembered that.” Jana leaned forward. “It was Rick. He told me there was something going on with Dex. Or rather that Dex had a thing for me.”
“Rick saw it?” Beth couldn’t imagine her brother being that perceptive. Of course, he’d fooled nearly everyone into thinking he was someone different, so maybe he was better at seeing that in another person.
“I told him he was wrong,” Jana admitted. “As far as I knew, Dex saw me as Teddy’s sister and no one else.”
“But it’s way more than that. Since when?”
Jana ducked her head. “Since I came home pregnant.”
“Five years?” Beth’s voice was a shriek. She lowered the volume and the pitch. “Five years? What has he been waiting for?”
“Me to adjust to being a mom. Then I met Paul, who turned out to be a disaster.”
“That is not your fault.”
“I seem to make a habit of falling for guys who aren’t exactly who they claim.”
“Then you should stop that.”
“It’s the plan.”
Beth was still trying to wrap her mind around the fact that Dex was in love with Jana.
“Now what?” she asked. “Do you want to go out with him?”
Jana squirmed a little. “Yes, maybe. I don’t know. I have to totally change how I see him. He’s a great person. I’ve known him forever, and I trust him completely.”
“Is it the sex thing? Or even just kissing? Because if there’s no chemistry, then it’s not going to work, no matter how hot he is.”
Jana grinned. “I’m getting the odd tingle. But I want to give it time. I want to be sure. I think we both deserve that.”
“You do. You’re being really smart about all this. Did you tell him you need time?”
Jana nodded. “He says he’s going to wait.”
“That’s romantic. I hope it works out.”
“Me, too.”
Beth reached out and grabbed her hand. “Thank you for forgiving me. I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you more. Let’s never fight again.”
“Pinky swear,” Beth said. “Then it’s for sure.”