21. Ashley
ASHLEY
I woke and knew I was alone even though I couldn’t see over the back of the sofa to the pullout. Not that Fox had been snoring or anything. I had woken in the night and tried not to toss and turn too much, very aware of him sleeping in the room with me.
Now there was a distinct emptiness that made the room seem huge and hollow.
Dawn patrol, I guess. Most serious surfers preferred it, but Shane’s morning exit had always been announced by a loud whiz, the banging of cupboards, and the rattle of a board off the rack. The fact Fox had slipped away so quietly that I’d slept through it gave me a niggling sense he hadn’t wanted to talk to me.
I never should have brought up that stupid hair clip. It had been a joke that had gone off the rails and why had I even gone there? Why?
And why hadn’t he told me before that he had been trying to get Jasmine out of the house? I had subliminally sensed he was pitting us against one another. That had been part of my anger that day. It was a dick move. Fox was usually more forthright. If he didn’t want to do something, he said so up front.
I skimmed open the drapes to a glorious morning and stepped onto the lanai. A handful of surfers were sitting on their boards outside the small bay next to the resort, but I couldn’t tell if Fox was among them. I squinted at a man with a cap of black hair and wide shoulders in a neon green swim shirt, but his bearing wasn’t Fox’s and his skin looked too light.
The door mechanism hummed and I stepped into the room as Fox entered. He wore T&B boardshorts with a sunset pattern and one of their short-sleeved rashies in silver with a panel of blue down the sides. It was so tight, I could see his nipples along with every contour of his torso, right down to his washboard abs and the indent of his navel.
I jerked my gaze up to find him coming back from taking inventory of my ribbed tank and skin-tight yoga shorts. He could probably see my nipples, too. It wasn’t cold outside, but it was breezy. I crossed my arms.
“I was looking for you, wondering if you would be back in time for breakfast.” I tried to find a smile of greeting, but our altercation last night had left static in the line.
“I had to.” He showed me the ‘Relaxing Within’ tag he had left on the latch outside the door as he left to surf. “Otherwise, they might not have delivered it.” He moved the card to the inside.
Such thoughtfulness didn’t seem like the mark of a man holding a grudge over last night’s argument.
“You sleep okay?” he asked.
“I did,” I lied. “How was the water?”
“Good.”
Ugh. Might as well ask about the weather.
“I’m going to change and hang these in the shower.” He plucked at his rashie then dug into a drawer on his way to the bathroom.
I watched him go, wanting things to be okay between us and not sure how to make it happen. After a second, I heard the water running and the tap of a razor against the side of the sink. While he was out of sight, I put a sports bra on under my shirt.
Breakfast arrived and I brought it to the table on the lanai, glancing up from my phone when he joined me. His jaw was clean. He wore fresh board shorts with a sleeveless T-shirt. A waft of sunscreen and a hint of minty freshness arrived with him.
“You hear from Shane?” he asked, nodding at my phone.
“No. I was seeing what sorts of jobs are available to someone with my vast experience in writing advertorials for medical devices.” I set aside my phone and lifted the lids off the plates.
“Where? Sydney?”
“Anywhere.” I tried to shrug off my predicament. “When one door closes there’s another fish in the sea, right? Those sausages look good.”
He moved one to my plate and stole a chunk of hash-browned potato from mine. “What do you mean ‘anywhere?’”
“Australia, but also Canada. Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto... I’ve been given a choice so I feel like I should exercise it. How did you settle on staying in Oz? Have you ever considered going back to Seattle?”
He paused in pouring coffee for both of us, brows low over his perplexed gaze. He finished what he was doing then set down the carafe.
“Let’s see. Rain?” He weighed one hand in the air, then held out the other. “Sunshine.”
“Mmm. Forty below in Pine Grove or forty above in Australia.” I copied the motion. “These are tough choices, aren’t they? Seriously, though. Was that all it was? Weather?”
“It wasn’t a conscious choice.” He tucked into his plate. “I was only going to do a year of school in Oz while Gary and Stephanie got through their son being a premie and got into their new house. But once I was on the Aussie school cycle, I didn’t want to fall back half a year by enrolling in Seattle. I visited Gary over school breaks and we talked about me coming back to finish high school, but the year I turned fifteen, Eddie offered me and Shane work with his clean-up crew. If I had realized he wanted a couple of strong backs on a wheelbarrow and we’d be picking up broken bricks in the heat, I might have made a different decision.” His grin went sideways, wry. “But it was a legit job. Everyone agreed it was a good thing to be able to live and work in two different countries so I got all my documents in order. I was prepared to go to the States for work once I got my degree, but by then Shane and I were flipping houses and talking Togs and Boards. Here we are.”
“Does the US even feel like home anymore?”
“It feels like my hometown. I see Gary and the kids every year or two. It’s a place that feels nostalgic and familiar, but also changes enough between visits that I know it’s not my life anymore. Why? What are you thinking?” He was watching me closely, as though he was invested in whatever I decided. Maybe he was. It could awkward for him and Shane if I went to live in Australia anyway.
“I’m thinking I need to make some phone calls to the shipping company, find out how my stuff will be handled if I’m not there to physically receive it, ask if I can redirect it. I can’t see starting my life from scratch in Sydney, where I won’t have anyone. That’s a little further out of my comfort zone than I’m comfortable with.”
“You have me.”
“No, I don’t.” I said it gently, but it was true. “You’d be my first call if I was arrested, I promise. But I can’t work for you and Shane. I can’t hang out with your crowd. I’m out of the club.” My voice quavered. I swallowed and squinched up my nose to hide the way my chin wanted to crinkle. “I’m sad about that, but c’est la vie .”
“We can all still be friends, Ash.”
“I refuse to be one of those cast-off sheilas who hover around you and Shane looking for a way back in.”
His face blanked to a warning stiffness. “I happen to think it’s a mark of decency that I’m on speaking terms with every woman I’ve ever slept with, including the one who took all my money.” He jabbed his fork into another cube of my potatoes. “Not that I’d cross the street to say hello if I could avoid her, but I wouldn’t push her into traffic. Shane’s the same. You two will be fine after this blows over. Come to Sydney if you want to. I can still hire you.”
“I’ll just forget the part where Shane stood me up for our wedding, then?” I got up and found my wallet in my bag. My engagement ring was in a zipped pocket. I set the ring on the table next to his plate. “I took that off so I wouldn’t lose it while swimming. Maybe that was bad mojo and the reason this happened. You might as well take it back to him.”
He barely looked at it. “You’re really not coming to Oz?”
“Not to live, no. And I won’t make a point of seeing him if I don’t have to. Neither of us will enjoy it.”
“What are you going to do then?” He sent an angry frown toward my phone. “Go to some other strange city where you don’t know anyone? No.” He didn’t give me the chance to answer. “If you’re not going home, come work for me. At least until you figure out what your next move is.”
“I’m pretty sure I heard you say yesterday that whatever I did should be my decision.”
“If it’s something you’ve thought through, then yes, I’ll cheerlead you all the way. But running away? That’s a knee-jerk reaction.”
“It’s called a fresh start.” I sat and added cream and sugar to my coffee, giving it a vigorous stir with my spoon. “Because here’s what I’m thinking. I can go to Sydney, where I’m not wanted, or I can go home to lick my wounds. Or I can see this as an opportunity to do whatever I want.”
“And that’s what you want? To be alone somewhere unfamiliar? No one wants that unless they’re hiding from the law.”
“Well, I wanted to be married, didn’t I? That’s not a dig,” I added in a mutter, bracing my elbows on either side of my plate, holding my heavy head. “Getting married was a dumb idea. I see that now.”
After a stunned silence, he asked, “Do you really believe that?”
“I don’t know. Yes. If I was only doing it for the sake of doing it, then yes. Will you please put that away so I won’t stress about it?” I nodded at the ring.
He carried it into the room and I heard the Velcro on his wallet tear.
When he came back out again, I picked up my fork, but only pushed my scrambled eggs around without eating any. “I keep thinking about something Mom said last night.”
“When she pulled you by the ear into the kitchen?” He sat back down. “I wondered if I should ask about that.”
“She wasn’t really mad.”
“Just disappointed?”
“Pretty much. She said that she’s tried all her life to show us that a woman doesn’t need a man to survive so she doesn’t understand why I hitched my wagon to one. Maybe she could see that Shane and I weren’t lovestruck enough to justify a complete change of life. Maybe that’s why she wasn’t supportive of what I was doing.”
Mom knew how to be supportive. She’d encouraged me when I’d started college and had offered to help financially if I wanted to finish my degree.
“I don’t want to knock her because she made a lot of sacrifices for us,” I continued. “But she’s independent to a fault. I don’t think she’s dated once since the divorce. If she has, it’s been on the down-low. And she quietly puts on us this guilt trip that we’ve held her back from pursuing her own life. She didn’t want either of us to move out, though. Even though it allowed her to sell the house and buy a condo with a mortgage that was more affordable. She’s finally making progress financially, putting away money for retirement, after years of struggle.”
“That’s good.”
“I know. But I think she’s afraid to get involved with someone in case they try to take that from her. Anytime we suggest she set up a dating profile, she says, ‘I have you girls.’ I don’t want to be the reason she doesn’t have companionship. And I don’t want to be her only source of companionship. Just because she doesn’t want a man or sex doesn’t mean I shouldn’t. Or does it? Am I rationalizing being selfish?”
“Wow. I’m going to need more coffee to tackle that.” He poured a fresh cup and blew across it. Drank a little and set down his cup. “Promoting abstinence is one of those things that looks great on paper and proves largely ineffective in real life. Sex remains popular.”
I found myself wondering exactly how much sex Fox liked. The normal amount? More? Aside from Jasmine, he’d never brought anyone else home and had mostly come home every night. On the few occasions when he hadn’t, I hadn’t quizzed him and he’d usually offered an excuse like having had too much to drink so he had slept on a friend’s couch.
“Unless your mother is suggesting you engage in casual sex, your only option is to allow someone into your life on a more permanent basis,” he said.
“Exactly! It’s not like I don’t know how to live alone. I can pay my bills and unplug a sink when it backs up. But after a few years of that, it was kind of nice when Whit and Fliss moved in. I liked having someone to come home to. I know how to tell a guy I’m not interested without needing a ring as a repelling device, but maybe Mom had a point that I was marrying because it’s what I thought I was supposed to want. I’m twenty-six. This is when you’re supposed to get your act together, right? Getting married and moving to the other side of the world made me feel like I was taking charge of my future instead of just existing.”
“Twenty-six,” he scoffed with a shake of his head. “Such a baby. Definitely too young to marry.”
“You’re thirty-two. Such an old man.” I rolled her eyes at him. “What if marriage is something I want, though? Is that a bad aspiration? Do you want a wife? Or is Mom right and tying yourself to a man is an outdated institution that subjugates women?”
“This discussion feels way above my pay grade.”
“Coward.” I stabbed the sausage he’d given me, not bothering to cut it. I held it on my fork and bit the tip off, chewed and swallowed. “But if I don’t want to marry and have kids—if my Mom says I’m not allowed to want that—what do I want? That is the crisis I’m in.”
“Ah, you’re in pre-life crisis. Been there.”
“That’s exactly what this is.” I nodded. “I don’t know what I want, but I’m pretty sure I’d like children at some point. The clock is ticking, though. Anything I want to accomplish should be done now before I have them.” I set down the sausage and sat back. “And doesn’t that sound like I’m eager to live a spontaneous life? Pfff .” I sipped my coffee, disgusted with myself. “But I saw how having Fliss put a kink in Whit’s life. Sure, she could have become a lawyer if that’s what she really wanted, but she was starting from further back and would have had to fight harder than someone without kids. I should take advantage of the advantage I have, right?”
“Did you and Shane talk about having kids?”
“Did you ?” I tried to keep a straight face, but mirth bubbled up against my best efforts. There was a running joke amongst their friend group that Shane and Fox were an old married couple since they’d been living together for a decade.
“No.” Fox gave her a pithy look. “He’s always been concerned about losing his figure.”
“He’s not even here to defend himself!” But I giggled more, before admitting, “Shane was very much on the fence. I get why he was wary, but I thought I could talk him round.” Was that the way it should be, though? One partner badgering the other into becoming a parent? It ought to be something both wanted from the outset.
“You have to be on the same page about kids or you’re doomed,” Fox said as though voicing my thoughts. “We’re all sold a story on how fulfilling family life is, but I know for a fact that Gary didn’t have his eyes open when he proposed to Vicky. He thought he was rescuing her and manning up. He didn’t have any idea what he was really in for.”
“Which was?” I wanted to hear more about his family.
“A lot more than making the mortgage payment and driving me to soccer practice on Saturday. They both worked, but Gary never made my lunch, never dropped me at school, never stayed home when I was sick. He’s a good guy. He was trying to be a dad the only way he knew, but he didn’t have to be my dad at all. I look back and I can see he was expecting praise for his great sacrifice and never once saw that Vicky had dinner on the table every night and got the laundry folded while making sure I brushed my teeth. I was mad when they divorced. My life was unstable for years, but I can see why she decided taking care of one person would be a helluva lot easier than taking care of two.”
“Yet she remarried and had more kids with Mitchell.”
“Mitchell never did more as a parent than Gary did, either. But he’s rich enough that Vicky didn’t have to work outside the home. The imbalance between their contributions wasn’t as glaring. Personality-wise, they’re a way better fit.”
“And Gary’s wife? Stephanie is a doctor, isn’t she?”
“Dermatologist. After Michael, she hired a nanny so she could go back to work six weeks after giving birth to the other two. I’m not judging her. She’s just very type-A. It’s hard to be around someone wound that tight. I can’t help thinking there’s a difference between having it all and having too much.”
“You’re such a feminist.”
“And I have burned my bra to prove it.”
I was grinning as we settled back onto our even keel, but a strange poignancy tightened my throat, one I wasn’t ready to examine. I dropped a dollop of yogurt on my fruit cup and stirred it into mango, blueberries, and strawberries.
“I go back and forth on marriage.” Fox sounded introspective. “It’s something that will probably happen one day, but I’m not in a hurry. I’ve been focusing on making money, building the business. I refuse to bring a woman into my life just to have someone to pick up after me.” He glanced at me as though he knew he was maligning his best mate along with my willingness to put up with an untidy boyfriend.
Shane had needed a lot of managing. I had known that and thought the trade-off would be worth it. But what would I have gained? An exit out of Pine Grove and a decent job, but would that have been fair to Shane? Didn’t he deserve someone who felt more for him?
I was no longer hungry for the psychedelic fruit on my spoon.
“I always reckoned I’d get married when I found someone I had to marry. Not pregnant,” Fox hurried to add when my brows went up. “Someone I needed in my life every single day.”
“That’s sweet.” Romantic almost.
He looked sheepish. Maybe even blushing a little. We were both smiling in amusement, but something deeper. Our gazes seemed to be looked and my scalp prickled. The tingle continued all the way down my arms, tightening my breasts.
“What, um. What about kids?” I rubbed my arms, trying to erase the sensation. “Do you want a family?”
“Sometimes,” he said gravely. “I see someone like Oliver with Ryan and I think, yeah, I want that, but with the state of the planet, it seems irresponsible to bring anyone else on board. There are plenty of kids out there like me, who need a family, but there’s a part of me that wants, I don’t know. Someone who looks like me.”
His voice echoed with isolation. I’d never seen him look so somber. His soul was right here, hovering restlessly beneath the surface of his otherwise undisturbed demeanor, like a massive creature that almost poked through, then sank deep again before I was able to fully see it.
“Vain, right?” He dismissed his yearning with a twist of his lips.
“No. It’s human. I love when people think Fliss is my sister. Or my daughter.” I snickered.
“That happens? You would have been her age when you had her.”
“I was fourteen, but yeah. I love the scandalized glares.” My phone pinged and I glanced at the screen. “Speak of the devil. Fliss says Ryan is asking what time we’re going to the beach.”
“Didn’t see that coming, did we? Soon as we finish eating works for me.”
“I have to talk to Waiola first.”
He nodded and stole another potato, then another.
I was glad he would come with me to call off the wedding. I was really glad to be back to the solid foundation of our friendship, but a different clock had begun ticking in my head, one that counted down my remaining four days with him.
My options were as wide and endless as the ocean beyond the balcony rail, but I didn’t want unlimited options. I didn’t want to pursue wild goals in far flung fields.
I wanted to stay right here. In this moment. With him.