16. Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Sixteen
Athena
W ell, this day took a turn I wasn’t expecting. In so many ways…
When Bear told me about his mom, something just came over me and it was like I knew what he needed. I needed it too, but in that moment it wasn’t about me. I was already on his lap, straddling him, before I really thought about what I was doing, and then we kissed… oh my gods, we kissed.
Never would I have imagined that kissing could be like this. Sure, I’ve had lips on me, pressed against my skin in places I prayed to all the gods they would never touch again. I’ve felt the lingering touches of men and women who didn’t see me as a person but a means to their own deprived pleasures. I’ve been touched and groped and beaten to within an inch of my life but I’ve never been kissed like my breath was giving the other life. Like touching me was sacred and making me happy was an honor. My entire life, people have taken from me, but tonight I was given much more than just a kiss, I was given hope.
Bear makes me feel so many things, but mostly brave.
Finding out The Firm chipped me was something else altogether. I don’t really know exactly how I feel about it, if I’m honest with myself. I’m still trying to navigate the real world on my own and I’m not entirely sure I even know which way is up at this point. It’s like I’m going through all the motions, subconsciously falling back on my training and pushing down any real feelings.
“All done. You handled that like a rockstar, Athena. You should come and see me for some ink sometime.” The older man Bear calls Shade starts packing away everything he and Mac used to remove the chip in my neck. I figure he’s older than the rest of them by the amount of gray speckling his beard.
“Thank you. But what do you mean by ink?” I’m standing beside Bear, where he’s sitting on one of the dining chairs, my thigh pushing lightly against his and his arm wrapped behind me. The feel of his palm on my hip is warm and sends tingles across my skin.
“Tattoos. I’ve given every one of the brothers at least one, including your man there.”
My heart flutters when Bear doesn’t even flinch at being called my man. I don’t know that he actually is, but just the thought is enough to make me brave enough to put a hand on his shoulder.
“Got my first one this past weekend.” Mac pushes back the sleeve of her sweater to show me a tattoo on her wrist. It’s cherries shaped like skulls and it looks so good.
“I love it. Okay, yeah. I think I will come and see you for one of my own.” The idea of a tattoo is exciting, and thoughts of what I could get run rampant through my mind.
I like the thought of marking my skin on my own terms.
“You didn’t flinch once when Mac sliced you open, and if that doesn’t say badass…” Grinder trails off, jumping up from the couch in the main living space when the doorbell rings and he answers the door.
I guess the way I am could be seen as badass, but mostly I’m just in my own head about everything. Showing any real emotion has always been unacceptable and I’m used to suppressing it, to sitting quietly through the pain.
“You’re the best, Nessy.” Grinder hugs the woman with several full paper bags in her hands at the door, and when he pulls away, she’s scowling at him. But then a smile takes over her face and she rolls her eyes.
“Diego Russet, what have I told you about calling me Nessy?” She walks into the house with her brows raised, and I swear if she wasn’t holding bags she’d look as though she’d have her hands on her hips too.
It makes me chuckle, but I don’t understand the dynamics here, and the introduction of another new person has my heart racing a little. They all seem to be really comfortable with each other, though, despite what they’re saying.
“Oooh, she used your full name, brother. You’re in trouble!” The one I think is called Boner is bent over laughing and Shade is just shaking his head at the situation with a smirk on his face.
“Sorry, Vanessa. Let me take these.” With a small grin, he winks at her before planting a kiss on her cheek and taking the bags from her hands.
She narrows her eyes, wagging her finger in warning.
“You’re lucky I love you boys. How are we all?” She moves around the room, greeting each of them, and when she gets to Bear, she air-kisses the side of his face and looks toward me. I feel my muscles tense and my breaths become faster at being under her scrutiny. “Is this the famous Athena I’ve heard all about?” She’s not actually scrutinizing me, but I can’t help being wary of this new person; it’s an instinct I find difficult to control right now.
Bear wraps his arm around my thighs from where he’s sitting beside me and gently rubs from my hip to my knee, up and down. It makes my knees feel weak and I wish I was sitting, but it also makes the building bubble of fear relax.
“I’m Vanessa. These boys are like my children; albeit unruly ones. I’ve known them all since they joined the club, and some even before that.”
I expect Bear to speak for me, to answer her, confirming that I am who she thinks, but he’s consistent with the gentle rubbing of my thigh and I think he’s trying to encourage me to speak. For myself.
I keep wondering when this whole dream is going to turn into a nightmare, but it just keeps getting better.
“It’s nice to meet you. Yeah, I’m Athena.” I awkwardly hold out my hand to shake hers, but she chuckles and pulls me in for a hug. I freeze, my arms by my sides, then I feel a heat at my fingertips and realize Bear is rubbing slow circles with his thumb on my palm.
It relaxes me and almost brings me to tears, but I need to shake myself out of it and start believing in this new reality. One where not everyone wants something from me that I don’t want to give. Where people say what they mean and do what they say.
She pulls back and my near meltdown must be obvious on my face because she immediately looks horrified.
“Oh no, Athena, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to grab you like that, I—”
“I’m okay. But thank you.” I don’t think she totally buys what I’m selling, but she accepts it with a sharp nod and light smile.
“You shoulda sent one of the prospects. It’s cold out.” Shade scowls at Vanessa, shaking his head.
“Oh shh, you. It’s been so long since I left the compound I almost forgot what the outside world looks like.” She starts unpacking the box, freely moving around the kitchen like she’s been here a thousand times before. “These groceries should last you a few days, Bear. I didn’t know if Athena has any dietary needs so I got the basics for now. And yes, Grinder, I bought the ingredients for the eggnogs. Oh, and I brought some of my macaroni and cheese. Easy to heat up.” She smiles as Grinder does a strange happy dance? If that’s what it is?
“I told you, you’re the best.”
“Thanks, Vanessa. Appreciate it.” Bear stands and kisses the top of my head. “You good, Baby Girl?”
I’m a little overwhelmed, but that seems to be my permanent state of being when I’m around anyone other than Bear. Sometimes I can handle it better than others, but hopefully it will get easier with time.
I nod, quickly remembering he likes me to use words when he raises a brow. “Yeah.” He rewards me with another of his stunning smiles.
“Do we have any volunteers to go for a long ride with that chip? We need to get it moving if what Bash said earlier is right. There could be someone else following the signal.”
“I’ll do it!” Mac already has her riding leathers back on, and her first aid kit is all neatly packed away.
“No. Psycho would kick my ass if I sent you out with that thing. You’ve had enough of an experience with The Firm to last a lifetime.” Bear quickly shuts down Mac’s suggestion.
It surprises me to know that they have already dealt with The Firm, and the fact that Mac has experience with them and clearly survived, well, she’s a freaking warrior. I never would have guessed that she has any trauma just by looking at her, or even speaking to her, but trauma doesn’t have a face. It’s invisible until it’s provoked.
“You know what, Bear…” Mac’s eyes narrow and she purses her lips. “You’re not wrong. Okay. Sensible Mac in the building. Look at me grow.” She laughs.
“I’ll do it. Mom’s visit meant I couldn’t go on that run to the warehouse so I could use a long ride.” Boner stands from the couch where he was scrolling through his phone and moves toward the line of helmets by the front door.
“How far is a long ride, and will it be safe?” The whole reason I was going to leave in the first place was to keep my past away from these people who have been nothing but kind, and now they’re all throwing themselves onto the fire for me and I’m worried for them.
My information on The Firm is severely lacking, even after all the time I spent around them, so I don’t feel helpful in the slightest with this situation. I love that Bear wanted to include me in the conversation, but the extent of my knowledge and general life experience isn’t great. They’re going to ask their mechanic, Crow, to take a look at the GPS in the car to see if there are any saved or used addresses they can work with to help find where I escaped from, because other than it being in Montana, I have no idea. The only useful thing I could give them was that it’s secluded.
“Athena has a point. I’ll ask Diablo and Jonesy to meet you on the way out of town so you’re not alone. Maybe pay the Reapers up in New Jersey a visit, make sure Flower got back home okay and check out their turf. While you’re there, see if Glitch can do his thing with the chip and find us some information.” Shade takes out his cell and begins tapping on the screen.
“Sure thing. I’ll leave now and meet them at the gas station near the compound in fifteen.”
“I’ll come with. I’m missing my boys.” Mac heads over to Boner and picks up her cherry-red helmet. It’s so pretty, almost metallic looking.
“Don’t let Psycho hear you call him a boy, Mac.” Bear laughs and she shrugs in response, sliding her helmet over her head.
“Tell him, I’m looking forward to the punishment already.” She giggles and begins pulling on her gloves at the same time as Boner. “Laters, y’all.” Mac and Boner fistbump before leaving, and the sound of their engines coming to life is quick to follow.
“I found Christmas shit!” Grinder appears from I don’t know where—I didn’t even realize he’d gone—but he has a huge box in his arms and a large black trash bag in his hand. He’s jumping around as he walks toward the now-clean dining table, but he doesn’t make it. The bottom of the box splits… “Ah fuck.” Tinsel, baubles, and so many more Christmassy things fall to the cream carpet. “Where’s Boner?”
“Taking the chip for a ride to see the Reapers.” Bear doesn’t even comment on the mess Grinder just made.
“Nice. Soo… we decoratin’ this joint or what? No point putting it all away again.” He picks up a long garland made of red tinsel and wraps it around his neck like a scarf, taking another piece and gifting it to me. He doesn’t try and put it on for me, instead he hands it to me with a curtsey. “C’mon, let’s show these grumpy fucks how to have fun.”
Beside me, I feel Bear stiffen, his palm now at the bottom of my back continuing to make me aware of his presence with his gentle caress and reassurance. I look up at him and his big brown eyes are staring down at me, searching my face for signs of worry, no doubt, because his brow is furrowed slightly.
Damn, he’s sexy.
My lips stretch upward at the corners before I give him a wink—loving how it feels to do it because his pupils dilate in response.
“Is there a tree in there somewhere?” I’ve never actually decorated for Christmas. The masters always hired someone to do it for them, so of course, the festive feast for the eyes never made it to my room. Seeing the lights around town and the spattering of decorations at Lucy’s café makes me want to do the same here.
I don’t know what it is, but the colors just seem to bring with them a kind of joy.
“It’s in the loft. Want me to go and get it?”
“Of course she fucking does, brother. Go on, shoo.” Grinder throws the garland of tinsel at him, but he catches it with ease and scowls.
“Shoo me again, and I’ll shoo my fist into your face.” Bear growls playfully, and quick as a fox, he wraps the tinsel around Grinder’s neck and tugs on it a little.
“Ooh, do it again.” Grinder wags his brows and leans forward.
I like him. He has no hang ups or worries about what the others think or say, he’s just unapologetically himself. I’ve met and been around a lot of bad people, and he may be a little wild, but he doesn’t seem bad at all.
“There’s something wrong with you.” Bear shakes his head and turns to me. “You good with me going to grab the tree?”
“Yup. We can’t decorate without it, unless you wanna go all wood man on me and chop a fresh one.” I brave rising up onto my toes, leaning in to kiss him on the cheek. I don’t need to see the blush to know it’s there, and it makes me feel like I’m walking on air.
“We ain’t got time for chopping trees today. Be right back.” He brings the knuckle of his finger up to my chin, keeping my head tilted up toward him. He looks like he wants to say something, but he stops himself and I notice a small dimple in his cheek behind his beard as he smiles. Then he kisses me like he did on the couch, only this is a lot softer, less urgent, and way quicker because his warmth is soon gone as he heads upstairs.
Vanessa claps her hands together and opens the refrigerator. “If we’re decorating, I’ll make us some eggnog.”
Two hours is how long it took us to put everything up. For someone who only has a few decorations… well, Bear stretched the truth there. He brought down another box from the loft with the tree and now it looks like Christmas threw up all over the place.
It’s amazing.
The masters’ idea of Christmas decorating was to have a boring theme throughout the house, usually in silver or gold, and there was no character to anything. Here, though, there is a family of nutcrackers by the TV, a sequin-covered reindeer on the windowsill, a tree full of every color imaginable, and so many more beautiful things.
“Your mama sure loved Christmas. I remember the year before you went off to college, she made that light show at the house, and she even persuaded Ronald from the hardware store to be Santa on Christmas Eve for the kids that came by to visit. There were lines for days to see that display.” Shade swigs back the last of his coffee and puts the empty cup on the table central to the two couches and armchair.
Looking down, I notice my cup is also empty, so I stand from my seat beside Bear and make my way to the kitchen area for a top up of eggnog. It’s non-alcoholic because Grinder and Shade still have to ride their bikes home, and Vanessa has her truck.
The easy way they all talk with each other has me constantly chuckling, and I’ve loved getting to know them more today. They haven’t once made fun of my lack of knowledge on anything and have treated me like one of them.
Trusting that this is all real is still difficult, but it gets a little easier with every passing second.
“Hey.”
I flinch, but take a deep breath and remember where I am as I turn to Grinder leaning against the kitchen island.
“You want a top up too?” I hold up the jug of eggnog Vanessa made.
“Nah. But I did wanna let you know that I think you’re fucking awesome.” He starts washing his empty cup in the sink.
“Okay?” I frown in confusion and he turns to face me after placing his wet cup on the draining board.
He chuckles. “When I say I get it, I get it. See this?” He lifts the sleeve of his hoodie and shows me a dagger tattoo on his forearm from his wrist to his elbow, but as I look closer I see it’s not just a tattoo. It’s a scar. “My dad did that one.” Then he steps back and lifts the material to show me his hip, where there is yet another long scar, covered by a tattoo. “My step-dad did that one.”
“Wow.” There’s not much else I can say because I’m in awe of how nonchalant he’s being about the way his body was scarred by people who were supposed to love him. At least I never had that fantasy. I always knew what my role in the household was, even when I was with Mom.
“I know all this is still new, but I thought I’d let you in. We’re all a little bit broken in different ways, but we get through it because we have each other. We trust and love each other. Scars and all. I ain’t ever seen Bear as happy as he’s been the last few days and I like ya, but just don’t fall into the trap of letting your past rule your future. Let it shape ya. Like I said earlier, you’re a fuckin’ badass, and that’s because of what you’ve been through. But if you’re struggling, talk to someone. Okay? I just wanted to let ya know I’m a great listener if you need or if Bear pisses you off.”
I nod, tears clouding my vision because I didn’t expect this from him, but I’m finding these people do a lot of things I don’t expect.
“Thank you.”
“Y’welcome. I’ll deny this conversation until my last breath, though, if anyone asks.” He grins and bounds back into the main living space as though he didn’t just impart some wisdom.
I follow with my fresh cup of eggnog and just as I’m about to sit next to Bear on the couch, he grips my hand and pulls me onto his lap.
“You good?” The words are whispered into my ear, tickling at the skin on my neck.
“Mmhmm.” I fall backward, leaning fully into his big, hard body.
He takes my cup from me and places it on the small table beside the couch as I nestle into him, getting myself comfortable. His heavy, safe arm wraps around me and I let my eyes close for a few seconds, sighing happily while I listen to them talk about the next racing season.
I’m jostled awake and suddenly aware that it’s really quiet. I open my eyes when the warmth enveloping me disappears, replaced by a cool sheet, and the firm surface is now soft.
“Hey, Baby Girl.” Bear is sitting in a chair beside the bed, and it doesn’t look very comfortable.
“Why are you there?” My voice is a little croaky, likely from the best and deepest sleep I’ve ever had in my life, all while in Bear’s lap. Now, though, I miss him, and I know how silly that is, especially with him sitting right next to me.
But that’s the problem. He’s sitting on a chair, and I’m lying in a bed.
“Didn’t wanna leave you alone.” He strokes a few strands of my hair away from my face.
“Will you lie with me?” I almost didn’t ask, nervous about his answer.
“Of course.” The grin he gifts me could melt an iceberg, and I love that he hasn’t asked if I’m sure. He’s trusting that I’m making a cognizant request rather than trying to tell me what I want or assume how I feel.
I realize I’m still fully clothed when he stands and I lift the sheets back for him, and yeah, I’m tired, but I don’t want to sleep in jeans, and he’s already seen most of my scars.
My entire life, I’ve barely given them a second thought, mainly because the people who saw them were the same ones who put them there. It never occurred to me that I’d have a man like Bear caressing them instead of inflicting them. The way he carefully traced each one with his fingertips when he was checking for the chip was like he was learning every inch of me. He wasn’t disgusted by them, and that is more than I dreamed possible.
I climb out of bed just as Bear leans forward to pull his socks off.
“What are you…” He trails off when I unbutton the jeans and begin sliding them down my legs, quickly followed by the leggings I was wearing beneath them. Next, I grip the hem of my T-shirt and lift it up and over my head. I don’t have a bra on, I don’t own one, so I’m standing in front of this beautiful big man in just my panties. All the while, he doesn’t move a muscle, his eyes are on mine and they’re full of heat.
It’s intoxicating to do this on my own terms and have this kind of reaction. It’s nothing like the leering attentions from them or their friends. It’s a whole new experience that I want to bottle up and keep forever. My body is shaking a little, more of a light tremble, because while this is exhilarating, it’s also really scary.
Without saying a word, I climb back into bed, scooching over so he doesn’t have to walk around to get in beside me.
“You’re something else, Athena.” He stands, lifting his hand behind his head, which shows off his hard, muscled arms, it makes my mouth a little dry. Grabbing the neck of his black T-shirt, he pulls it up and over his head, revealing abs for days.
Next, he unbuttons his jeans and they drop down his thick legs, leaving him in just his boxers. We are now wearing the same exact amount of clothing.
Our gazes are locked, our grins firmly set, and that throbbing, breathy feeling I have only ever experienced with Bear comes rushing over me, eliminating the fear that I’ve been trying to control.
I lift the covers for him to slide into bed beside me and he takes a step forward, but his grin quickly fades. He stills, then frowns, and just as I’m about to ask him what’s wrong, his eyes roll into the back of his head and his body fails him as he collapses to the floor.
I scramble to move, to see what’s wrong, to help, but with his big body no longer standing, I can see the what’s wrong with my own eyes.
“You’ve been a real bad girl, Athena. Time to go home.”