Chapter 6
Natalie
I can’t manage to get to sleep no matter how hard I try.
Instead, I lie in an unfamiliar bed and stare at strange walls.
I can hear music from downstairs but it’s faint.
Several times the throaty roar of a motorcycle comes through the open window.
The mattress is pleasantly firm, but whoever made the bed tucked the bottom sheets in and my feet feel trapped, making it hard to relax.
I get up quietly and creep out into the living room.
The suite has two bedrooms, Rick’s door is shut and I can hear the sound of his loud snores.
I swear that man can fall asleep in an instant.
I hear someone pacing in the hallway, pausing outside, and then walking off as if they’ve changed their mind.
Curious, I gently open the door. The moment I step into the short hallway, Bear freezes, gaping at me.
He looks like a man caught between duty and instinct.
“You’re supposed to be getting some sleep. Rick wouldn’t want you wandering around the clubhouse.”
“I care about my brother, but respectfully, he doesn’t own me. If I want to step out into the hallway, I will.”
He glances away and drops his head for a few seconds. “I didn’t mean you’re not your own person. I just think that in a crisis situation, you should stay put.”
I fold my arms over my stomach. “I can’t sleep. Would it kill you to have a conversation with me?”
His expression turns confused. “Wait. You came out of the room to talk to me?”
I nod, bewildered by what he thought I was doing.
“I heard someone outside and I figured it was you. I wanted to tell you that you should get some sleep too.” My voice is soft and almost affectionate.
He backs up until his shoulder hits the wall. “Well, I’d love to get some sleep but I’m standing guard until three AM. Then your brother’s gonna relieve me.”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Rick wanted to make sure you were safe.”
Waving one hand towards the suite I just came out of, I tell him, “The two of you are going overboard. I’ve already told you that my foster parents aren’t hands-on evil geniuses. They aren’t going to come busting up in here to abduct me or anything quite so dramatic.”
I take a step closer to him and sit down on the floor directly in front of where he’s standing.
He immediately lowers himself into a sitting position and I know all the way down to my soul it’s because he thinks it’s less intimidating.
I remember what he said about always feeling like he was too big and a burden to the foster families who took him in.
“You’re not too big, Bear. You know that people come in all sizes, right?” Gesturing towards the stairs, I remind him, “Almost all the men downstairs are big and muscular, like you. You finally found the place where you fit in and don’t have to apologize or feel bad for being yourself.”
His head snaps up and his mouth falls open for a second before he recovers.
“And how about you? Have you found the place where you fit in?”
I can’t help the smile that lights up my face. “Yes. I belong right here beside you and my brother. I love my new life, and I love that I’m going to be working with both of you. I really didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, but this is definitely it.”
Bear’s tense body relaxes back against the wall. “You don’t want me to move out? When this is all over, I can move into the clubhouse to give you and Rick more space at the apartment.”
I shake my head. “No way. Rick says when the lease is up, we can get a three-bedroom apartment. Since I’m going to be working now, we can split the rent three ways.”
Suddenly, a smile ghosts across his face. “I think that’s a good idea. Rick and I moved in together when we started MedEx to save money. I thought a sweet thing like you would get bored of living with two hard-ass bikers who spend their evenings gaming and eating takeout.”
“Nope. Not at all. I love watching the two of you gaming together. That one car game where you run each other off the road is fun to watch.”
“Yeah, we’ve been playing that one since we were teens. I keep telling him we should pick another but then they release an expansion pack, and we end up pulled back into it.”
I can’t believe that Bear is finally relaxed enough to talk to me about his interests and life.
I glance down at his hands resting on his knees.
They’re big and scarred but I know they can also be kind and gentle.
Something about the contrast makes my chest tighten.
Bear feels like the first true friend I’ve ever had.
I’ve been fighting the attraction that I have for him.
I know he doesn’t feel the same way, but even if he did, I’ve only just reconnected with my brother, and I don’t want to mess things up.
But somehow, tonight, I feel I have to say something.
“I really like you,” I say again, trying to take the conversation in a new direction.
He glances away and mumbles, “It’s because we’re both foster kids. We have a lot in common. You’ve dropped me into the brother slot, right along with Rick.”
Hearing that he thinks I see him as a brother makes my chest tighten. It would be all too easy to just agree with him. But it would be a lie. I hadn’t meant to bring this conversation up but now that he did, I find that I don’t want to shy away from it.
I come to my knees and try to articulate all the ways he’s wrong about that. Bringing one hand to cover my heart, I tell him, “You’re wrong about that. I don’t see you as a bonus brother. When I’m with you, it feels different,” I say tapping my chest.
Swallowing thickly, I slide my other hand down to cover my mound. I snatch up all my courage and tell him boldly, “It feels different here as well. When I’m alone with you, I feel tender and achy where I’ve never felt it before.”
Bear goes still, like I just harpooned him through the chest. He’s shaking his head before I even finish my sentence. “I’m not allowed to know that… to help you with that. None of the brothers here are. You’re off limits.”
I drop both hands to my sides and look into his dark eyes. “So, I can’t ever be a real woman, because Rick is my brother, right? He gets to tell me what I can and can’t do with my own body. Are you telling me that he has to approve all my choices?”
“Fuck, fuck, fuck. The fuck is this? Why does all the weird shit have to happen to me?” He stands up and shifts further down the hall like he’s trying to put some distance between us.
When he speaks, his voice is strained, “Look, I’m not saying any of that.
All I know is he said you’re off limits.
” Gesturing towards the door of our suite, he says, “He’s my best friend.
We’ll soon be club brothers. Making you off limits was meant to set boundaries with me, not you. ”
When I get to my feet, he backs up some more. “Are you saying I can do whatever I want but you just can’t respond?”
His voice goes up an octave, “Hell the fuck no! That’s not what I’m saying. You’re not for me to like or not like.”
I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I gesture towards the front of his pants. “I think you’re lying about that. And I want to know why.”
One hand comes up to swipe down his face. “Look, you’re nineteen years old. You’ve been in a shitty situation for years. Hell, from what you said, for most of your life. You don’t know what you want.”
“So, you don’t want to get to know me better. Is that what you’re saying?”
“That’s not what I’m saying. You’ve got a fucking metric ton of problems right now and this is where you want to put your time and energy? Do you want Rick to lose his fuckin’ mind?”
My expression closes down. He doesn’t want me, regardless of that bulge in his pants. He’s more worried about what my brother will think than anything to do with me. I’m hearing what he’s laying down loud and clear. This is a huge disappointment for me, but I accept it.
“I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.” Feeling my face grow hot with embarrassment, I tell him, “I’ve never really had any boyfriends before. My foster parents would never have allowed it. I like you, I thought you liked me. I’m sorry.”
When I turn and open the door to our suite, Rick is leaning against the interior door frame. “What the actual fuck is going on here?” he asks in an exasperated voice.
I just shrug. “I’m sure you heard everything. I’m going to bed now. I’ve had enough embarrassment in the last ten minutes to do me for a lifetime.”
Rick stammers, “Hey, I didn’t mean to demand answers.”
I walk right past him without stopping and head into the bedroom. I gently shut the door and stand quietly, listening to their conversation.
Rick raises his voice. “Fuckin’ hell, bro. Put that thing away.”
“Stop being a dramatic asshole. You know shit happens around beautiful women.”
“She’s fuckin’ off limits. How many times do I need to tell you that?”
“Just once.” There is a short pause and then Bear says, “Actually, you didn’t need to say it once. Do you think I don’t have eyes?”
Rick growls, “Apparently having fuckin’ eyes is what got you into this situation where you’re standing out in the hall talking to my damn sister with a chub.”
“That’s not what I fuckin’ meant and you know it. Nothing happened. Nothing’s gonna happen. End of.”
Suddenly, my brother is up in arms again. “I know you well enough to know when you’re fucking lying. Tell me you haven’t fallen in love with my fuckin’ sister, the one woman in the whole world that you were asked to stay away from?”
“Hell the fuck no, I haven’t. Because, unlike you, I’ve mastered the art of self-control.”
“Don’t poke me in the chest, asshole. You know I hate that shit, you haughty motherfucker.”