Chapter 6 #2
I know that I should go out and break it up.
I hate to hear my brother arguing with his best friend.
But I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m too disappointed with myself for coming between the two of them.
Before I came along and threw a wrench into their lives, they had been best friends for years.
I’ve barely been here a month and they’re at each other’s throats.
It makes me think that my foster parents were right. I’m not good. Wherever I go, trouble follows. Maybe working in that foster home is all I really deserve in life.
I stare at the door, hating what I’ve done. I will myself to get up and do the right thing.
Rick’s voice is muffled now, rougher. I can’t make out what he’s saying, but I hear a loud thump and a muffled groan from Bear, making me think Rick has him pinned against the wall or something along those lines. I hear a fist hit something solid. It makes me flinch.
Tears sting the back of my eyes because the two men I love most in the whole world are out there beating each other senseless because of me.
I wipe at my eyes, refusing to cry. Crying is what I used to do when I was twelve, exhausted, hungry, and not a living soul in the whole world cared.
Back then, crying never changed anything, and it won’t change anything for me now.
I force myself to get up and walk towards the door. The voices getting louder.
“You sorry ass motherfucker,” Rick snarls.
“I didn’t do any fuckin’ thing wrong,” Bear bites back. I don’t like how low and dangerous his voice sounds. “This is why you don’t have a fuckin’ bottom rocker. You can’t control your damn emotions.”
“Fuck you. This friendship has run its course.”
My stomach twists. I take a slow breath and force my lungs to work. I open the door in one swift movement.
Bear is on his back on the floor with Rick standing over him with a booted foot on his chest. Bear brings up two hands and with a mighty twist of his body, he literally spins my brother around, causing him to trip and fall face first onto the floor.
They both look at me at the same time as the door hits the wall.
Rick’s expression shifts first. His anger gives way to regret. “Natalie.”
“Stop it!” My voice comes out steadier than I feel. “Both of you. Cut it out, right this minute.”
Rick blinks because he’s never heard me use that tone before. Bear’s gaze flicks over my face, wide-eyed. I step closer, shoving them apart and planting myself between them.
“If you two want to fight, don’t use me as an excuse.”
Poking Bear in the chest, I tell him sternly, “And you! You insinuate that I’m too young to know what I want. I was forced to grow up fast, taking care of seven kids every single day of my life. And you’re here acting like a reckless teen.”
Rick straightens up. “Natalie, I’m just trying to look out for you.”
“No. What you’re doing is trying to control me, just like my foster parents did.”
The color drains from his face. “I would never.”
“Yes, clearly you would. Why in the world do you think you have the right to say I’m off limits for men? What gives you that right? How about if I march out there and announce to all the club girls that you’re off limits. How would you like that?”
My brother is standing there with his brows furrowed, trying to parse through my words.
“I don’t need either of you to save me from relationships,” I continue. “I need you both to respect me. I need you to trust that I can handle my own feelings without you two coming to blows.”
Rick’s expression turns hurt. “I was trying to protect you. I couldn’t protect you all those years you were in care.”
“I know,” I say, reaching out to pat his arm. “But you can’t protect me by controlling me. You understand that, right?”
I can see from his expression that he finally gets what I’m saying.
Bear shifts, his big body angling away from me like he’s afraid he’ll take up space I might need.
“I don’t want to hurt you either,” he says, his voice raw and raspy.
“I know,” I respond quietly. “Just listen to what I’m saying and don’t try to tell me what I want and need.”
I force the next words out because I have something to say and if I don’t say them now, I never will.
“I’m scared,” I admit. “Not of you. Not of this place. I’m scared because they came into our home and left that message.
They’re still trying to pull me back, and part of me still thinks going back is the right thing to do.
Not because I want to. But because I’ve been trained to believe I’m responsible for everyone. ”
Rick’s face crumples, into a mask of regret.
Bear’s eyes go dark with a fierce protectiveness that I’ve seen several times over the last few weeks.
Steeling my resolve, I add, “So, I need the two of you to get yourselves together, communicate better, and give each other some grace, so I don’t have to feel responsible for the two of you as well. You’ve been together through thick and thin. You’re not fair-weather friends. Am I right?”
Rick lets out a long, shaky breath. “Okay, sis. I see where you’re coming from. And just so you know, this isn’t the first time we’ve thrown hands. You’re not responsible for anything to do with us.”
Bear chimes in, “Yeah, we probably do need to learn to keep our fucking hands to ourselves though.”
Relief hits me so hard I feel it loosen something in my chest. I step back towards the suite door, but before I go in, I look at them one last time.
“I’m not leaving,” I reassure them. “The logical side of my brain knows there is nothing there for me except an endless supply of foster kids who need more than any one person can give them. I can’t keep feeling guilty and sacrificing myself because that isn’t how normal people live their lives.”
I close the door behind me and lean against it, breathing hard.