Chapter Sixteen
I f August had been the best month of Josie’s life, then September was the worst. She moved back to her parents’ home outside Bozeman because she couldn’t bear to remain in Marietta. She was sorry to give up her job at the gallery, but just driving down Main Street gave Josie pain.
Her parents were happy to have her home, and Josie applied for jobs in downtown Bozeman since she needed work, and since she’d achieved what she needed to do with Bear’s business for her design project to be accepted by her advisor, Josie was essentially done with school.
It was strange to have so much to do and then suddenly to be at loose ends. No one was hiring, either, at least, not work she was excited to do. Her dad told her to take some time for herself. He said she’d worked hard her entire life and it was okay for her to just rest a bit.
It was good advice but Josie couldn’t rest. She couldn’t relax. She couldn’t eat, or sleep, or focus on anything. Everything in her felt bruised. Broken. But maybe it’s because her heart was broken.
Marietta was in the past, and Bear was too, not that she could forget him just because she’d moved home. He seemed to always be there in her thoughts, and her heart, but their last conversation had been so brutal that she could only pick up the pieces of her heart and move forward.
Rye and Ansley brought Mick with them when they came to visit. They seemed as happy as always, and Mick absolutely favored Ansley, sitting at her side, and following her wherever she went.
Mick’s devotion to Ansley made Josie smile. Clearly Mick knew a good human when he saw one. But before Rye and Ansley left during their last visit, Ansley drew Josie aside. “You’re losing too much weight,” she said to Josie, giving her a quick hug. “You need to make sure you’re getting some protein and healthy food in you.”
“I just can’t eat,” Josie answered. “I can’t chew or swallow. It’s like there’s a rock inside my throat.”
“Would it make you feel any better to know that Bear isn’t doing very well, either?”
“No.” Josie blinked back tears. “I wouldn’t want to wish this feeling on my worst enemy.”
Ansley gave Josie another hug. “I hate that you’re going through this. But it will get better. I promise.”
Josie patted her sister-in-law’s back. “I’m holding you to that.”
*
That evening as Rye drove back to Marietta, he held Ansley’s hand, grateful to have her at his side. “That was not fun tonight,” he said. “I hate seeing Josie like that.”
“I know.”
“I’m not sure that living at home is the best thing for her. She seems like a shadow of herself.”
“Don’t you think she’d be just as sad if she was living alone?”
He sighed. “Maybe.”
Ansley said nothing for the next couple of miles and then brought up a subject that had been on her mind for the past few days. “My brother Lachlan saw your mom and Bear Anderson having coffee together a couple weeks ago.” Ansley crossed her legs, but still couldn’t get comfortable. “Were you aware of this?”
Rye glanced at her. “Bear and Mom?”
Ansley nodded. “In Livingston.”
“Why Livingston?”
“I don’t know, but it seems really strange, because from what Lachlan said, Jennifer and Bear met for coffee right around the time Bear asked Josie to move out.”
Rye’s foot came off the accelerator. “Was Lachlan sure it was them?”
“He’s pretty good with faces, particularly when it’s your sister’s lookalike sitting with Bear Anderson. I mean, it’s hard to confuse Bear for anyone else.”
“It doesn’t make sense. The two of them meeting, never mind meeting in Livingston where neither one lives.”
Ansley put her hand on her husband’s knee. “Which would make it a great place to meet if you didn’t want anyone to know you were meeting.”
“You’ve been watching too many of your crime shows,” he said, but there was no sting in his words, just worry.
“Think about it, Rye. They met the day of, or the day before, Bear asked Josie to move out.” Ainsley’s brow furrowed. “I can’t help wondering if that coffee meet-up had something to do with the fallout between Bear and Josie. Because up until then, everything seemed to be going really well. We had dinner with them several times, we went to a movie, went to Flintworks, went for ice cream with them. And never once was there anything weird or awkward. Nothing to indicate that Bear would ask Josie to leave.”
“My mom would never interfere. I don’t see it happening.”
“You’re sure? Because I remember how she wasn’t thrilled about me. I remember how when you and I were having some trouble she wanted me to leave. She thought it was in your best interest for me to go. If it hadn’t been for your sisters, I don’t think we would have figured this out.”
Rye said nothing and Ansley felt a pang. “I’m not blaming your mom, but I am grateful for your sisters. They were the ones who got us together. Your mom had serious reservations.”
“I do remember,” he said roughly. Rye drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “You don’t think Bear might have been the one to invite Mom to coffee? You don’t think he wanted to get to know her better?”
“If that were the case, why would he tell Josie almost immediately after that she needed to move out? I mean, would he reach out to your mom—of all people—and give her a heads-up, saying, ‘Hey I’m about to break your daughter’s heart, just wanted you to know?’” Ansley shrugged. “Because I would think if that were the case your mom would have said something to Josie. She would have prepared her. She would not have let Josie walk into something like that blind.”
Rye slowly nodded. “You think Mom asked Bear to meet her.”
“I do.”
“And you think Mom had an agenda?”
Ansley took her time answering, knowing she needed to pick her words with care. “I think your mom was worried that Bear would hurt her. And I think she warned him off first.”
Rye said nothing, taking it in.
“I’d say let them sort it out,” Ansley added after a moment. “But Josie said something to me tonight when we were doing the dishes, and I’m not sure if she’s serious. She’s thinking of going away, moving out of state.”
“Josie would never leave Montana.”
“That’s not what she said tonight.”
Rye shot his wife a narrowed glance. “Is she just being dramatic?”
“I don’t know. If she were in the right headspace, I’d think going somewhere new was a good idea, but, honey, she’s in so much pain. I’m worried about her.”
“She’s tougher than she looks.”
“Oh, I don’t doubt that. But if your mom has said something, or possibly interfered, is it right for us to stand by and do nothing?”
*
Days passed while Rye deliberated over what should be done, at first thinking he couldn’t involve himself, and then changing his mind, and thinking as the oldest, he couldn’t ignore the situation. Perhaps something had to be said, only he wasn’t sure who to speak to first—his mom or Bear. He suspected neither would be particularly forthcoming. His mom would be downright defensive. Maybe even overly emotional, too.
Aware that he had a meeting with Bear scheduled at the Fuller Building Friday morning, Rye decided that after they covered business, he’d ask Bear if he’d met with Mom, and what that conversation had been about.
The meeting Friday didn’t take long. Rye’s subs were on top of things, and the interior was taking shape with electrical and plumbing both in, and drywalling to come next. Bear had no complaints about the job progress, but then, he had virtually nothing to say. Bear was silent and stoic and clearly eager to escape.
Rye told Bear there was one more thing to discuss, but he’d like to go outside for this conversation.
Bear’s expression turned wary, but he rolled out onto the street where he pivoted to face Rye. “I have another meeting in a half hour,” he said, voice flat, devoid of emotion. “Just so you know.”
“Not a problem. This shouldn’t take long,” Rye answered, but then he hesitated. This was not easy, and Bear had never been more remote or detached. “I know you and my mom met in Livingston. Either the same day, or the day before you and Josie had your falling out. I wondered if you ever told Josie that you met with Mom, and if she was aware of everything that had happened.”
Bear just stared at Rye.
“These are small towns,” Rye said. “Livingston isn’t all that far from where my parents now live.”
Bear still kept silent.
“Ansley thinks Mom asked you to meet her. I didn’t want to believe it, but after thinking it over, Ansley is probably right. You don’t have to tell me what Mom wanted to discuss with you, but I think you should share that information with Josie. It doesn’t seem right that a lot of people now know, and the one person that should know, doesn’t.”
“Your mom wants what is best for your sister,” Bear said, breaking his silence.
“We all do.”
“Which is why Josie and I are pursuing different paths and opportunities.”
“You were never an opportunity, Bear. You were the person she loved.” Rye’s throat thickened with emotion. “Josie isn’t a romantic. She doesn’t walk around in a fantasy world. As far as I know, until you, she’s never been in love.”
Bear averted his face. “Don’t say that.”
“She loves you. Really, truly loves you. And if you have any feelings for her, you’d fill her in on what happened, so she’d at least know. So she could at least accept that change in your behavior. As it is, she’s blaming herself.”
“She did nothing wrong. She’s pretty much perfect.”
“Then reassure her before she leaves. Let her head off to her new life with some peace. That is, if you care for her, at all.”
“Where is she going? When is she going?”
“Soon, Ansley said. Probably in the next week or two.”
*
Showing up uninvited to the Calhouns was not something Bear looked forward to, but if Rye was right, and Josie was leaving, Bear had to speak to her. He’d tried to call her, but his calls went unanswered. He’d texted her, too, but again, nothing. He began to wonder if she’d possibly blocked his number. It would be one way of dealing with him. An effective way of ensuring he could no longer bother her.
He parked in the driveway and unloaded his chair, and as he did so, he saw a curtain move in one of the windows. It looked like Josie, but then it could have been Jennifer.
A moment later, the front door opened and Jennifer was walking out, heading toward him.
“Good afternoon,” he greeted Mrs. Calhoun politely.
“Can I help you, Bear?”
“Yes. Could you ask Josie to come outside? I’d like to talk to her. It won’t take long.”
“She’s working with Jasper right now. They’re doing some of his exercises that are part of his physical therapy.”
“That’s okay. I’m happy to wait. I’ll be just out here, reading on my phone until she’s done.”
“Bear—I mean, Braden—”
“Bear’s fine.”
Jennifer stepped closer, her voice dropping. “I don’t know that there is anything that needs to be said between you and Josie. I think everything that was important has been said.”
“That’s probably true, but I’d still like to say goodbye, before she leaves.”
“Where is she going?”
“She’s planning on moving. She told Ansley she needs to go, and it’s probably soon, so I’ll just wait until she’s free so I can wish her well and tell her to travel safely.”
A side gate opened, and Josie walked out, her long dark hair in a low ponytail, and her sweatpants baggy and hanging off her lean hips. “Dad told me you were here,” she said, walking toward Bear and her mom. “He suggested I come out and see if everything was alright.” Her gaze darted from one to the other. “Is everything alright?”
“Yes,” Jennifer said.
Bear shook his head. “No.”
“Bear,” Jennifer interjected with a tense smile.
Bear ignored her, focusing only on Josie. “Can we go for a drive? I can have you back in twenty minutes or so.”
Josie hesitated and then nodded.
It took a few minutes for Bear to transfer back into the truck and stow away his chair but then they were off. They didn’t speak until they’d been traveling a mile or so.
“I understand you’re thinking about moving,” he said, breaking the silence, his gaze fixed on the road.
“Who told you?”
“Rye.”
“I imagine Ansley told him.” She sighed and tucked a long tendril of hair behind her ear. “But they’re right. I am going. I’m hoping to be gone early next week.”
Bear flexed his fingers, then forced himself to relax. “Any idea of where you’re going to go?”
“Seattle, and then Portland, and then depending on how I feel, I might drive down the coast all the way to San Diego.”
“Why?”
“I’ve never been to the West Coast. I’ve never seen much of anything. Both you and Rye have done a lot of traveling and it’s my turn to see some of the world.”
“Your family will miss you.” Bear glanced at Josie’s profile. There was no light in her eyes, no hope or warmth, either. “If they missed Hannah who is only in Missoula, I can’t imagine how they will handle you so far away.”
“Maybe it’ll be good for them.” She smiled grimly. “Maybe it will teach them to mind their own business.”
He drew a slow breath, trying to calm his nerves. “So you know.”
“More than everyone thinks I know.” She glanced at him, her expression cool.
His lashes dropped. “Has something happened?”
She gave him a long cool look. “You tell me. It seems like we were doing well until you and my mom had coffee. That must have been some crazy coffee for you to kick me out of your house. Practically the same day.”
“Your mom gave me a lot to think about. She made me realize that you are young, and you have dreams, and it wasn’t fair to trap you—”
“Stop,” she cried, hitting the dashboard. “Let me out. I’d rather walk home than listen to this. It’s insulting, Bear.”
Bear braked hard and pulled over to the side of the narrow ranch road. “I have no desire to insult you.”
“You know, for a smart man, you can be incredibly stupid. Trapped? Trapped with you ? Trapped with the man I adored? The man I admired? The man I loved? How is that trapped?”
“There are other men who could probably give you—”
“No!” she cried, cutting him short. “I can’t do this again. Can’t listen to this again.” She turned on the seat and faced him. “If this is indeed our last conversation ever, be straight with me. Respect me enough to tell me the truth.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Why did you meet Mom?”
“She called and asked me to.”
“And you didn’t think you should tell me?”
“I wasn’t sure what to think.”
“And what did she tell you when you met for coffee?” Josie’s voice cracked. “It certainly couldn’t have been complimentary.”
“She wanted better for you. More for you. And after thinking about it—”
“In your bedroom, in the dark?”
“She was right. You deserve the world, and I can’t give it to you.”
Tears filled Josie’s eyes. “Did I ever ask for the world? How did I overwhelm you with my needs?”
“No. You didn’t.”
“Then why kick me out like that? Why treat me like I was nothing… like I was garbage on trash day?”
“It wasn’t like that, Josie. It was never like that. I love you, but my love won’t be enough.”
“Says who? My mom? My dad? Rye?”
“This isn’t about them. It’s about you and me.”
“Yes, it is. So, you kicked me out because you don’t—and can’t—love me. That’s what you said the next morning when I returned to the house. That you don’t love me. That you’ll never feel the way I feel for you.” Her furious gaze held his. “Is that true?”
“No.” He swallowed, shook his head. “That was a lie.”
“What are the other lies?”
“I don’t know if there are other lies. I just know that I did not want to fall in love with you, that I resisted loving you, but I couldn’t help loving you. I’ve loved you for months. I love everything about you.”
“And you believe there is someone else out there who is better for me?”
He ground his jaw together, teeth grinding.
“We’re being honest with each other, Bear. Tell me. Do you believe someone can love me better than you?”
“Physically, yes. Emotionally, no.”
“So, this is about sex.”
“It’s about sex and parenthood. It’s about what I can’t do—”
“But what about the things you can? What about your heart? What is wrong with that? Is it somehow damaged, too?”
He looked away, his chest on fire, his gut sharp with pricks of pain. “I can’t give you all the reasons why someone else can love you better, Josie, because I don’t know if anyone else could ever love you better than me. But what do I know? I’m all tangled up. When it comes to you, I have no clarity. I care so much for you it hurts. When you’re away from me, it hurts. When I think about you leaving and going halfway across the country I can hardly breathe. Your mom begged me to put you first and I’m trying. But Josie”—he turned his head, looked at her, unable to hide the tears in his eyes—“how am I supposed to be okay when you’re my heart?”
Josie knocked away tears of her own. “Mom shouldn’t have gotten involved. She should never put that guilt trip on you. Because it was a guilt trip. She acted as if I was some crazy codependent daughter who had no will of her own, no boundaries, no healthy sense of self. But my mom was wrong. I didn’t show up for my dad because I had to. I showed up for my dad because I wanted to. There’s a difference. I didn’t remain close to my family because I lacked confidence. I was close to them because I was strong enough to handle their craziness and demands.” She patted her chest hard. “I’ve always known who I am. I’ve always known what I wanted to do. I’ve known since I was a little girl that I was put here to do good, to help others, to shine a light where I could. That’s not because I am empty and hollow. It’s because I’m focused. Determined.”
He bowed his head, closed his eyes, unable to feel so much pain and pressure.
“Bear,” Josie moved toward him, putting her hand on his thigh. “Look at me.”
He did.
She reached up to touch his cheekbone, his jaw, her touch light and tender. “I didn’t fall in love with you because I pitied you. I fell in love with you because I admired you, and respected you, and went all weak whenever you looked at me. I loved your face and your smile, the set of your shoulders and those scars wrapping your arm, earning you the name Bear.”
It hurt to breathe. His chest was raw. Josie kept using the word loved . Not love. She’d loved him. But was it over? Was she done?
“What made me really want you, though,” she continued, “wasn’t your face or your laughter or anything superficial. What I loved was your determination to do for others, your determination to give back. You decided to take what you’ve earned and do something important with it and I couldn’t be prouder. Your goals became my goals. Your dreams echoed my own. They didn’t replace mine. They felt like mine. You see, we both had wanted the same thing.”
Have I lost you, Josie ? The words were there on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t speak, couldn’t say them.
“Tell me, Bear, why was it so wrong for me to admire you? You don’t drink. You don’t do drugs. You don’t lose your temper. You give and ask for nothing. You literally ask for nothing. So why can’t I want to give you something? Why can’t I give you my heart? Seems like is the least I can do.”
“Josie, I don’t want you to leave.” The husky words were ripped from him, his voice strangled.
“I don’t want to leave either, Bear, but I have to. I am livid with my mother. Livid with my father. Why didn’t Rye and Ansley come to me sooner and tell me the truth? Why didn’t you tell me the truth? I can’t do these secrets and games.”
“I don’t think anyone meant it that way. I think your mom wanted the best for you. Just as your family wants the best for you.” Just as I want the best for you.
And then it hit him, the problem, the source of all this confusion. Bear didn’t know what was best for her. No one did. No one could. Josie was the only one who knew what she needed. And she’d never been consulted.
As if able to read his mind, she added. “My family didn’t trust me to make that decision for myself. They couldn’t respect that I’d have an opinion, that I would know what I needed. Wanted.” She exhaled hard. “Why do people assume that just because I have the capacity to love, that I lack the capacity to think? How can everyone assume that I’m so tenderhearted that it’s made me scatterbrained and helpless?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m not helpless. I’m not weak. If anything, I am stronger than everyone knows.” Her chin lifted. “I can leave here and not look back. I can cut everyone off if I need to prove that I’m an adult and independent and perfectly able to put myself first.”
“I’d hate for you to cut everyone off, but yes, you should put yourself first. It’s time.”
She just looked at him, that small mirthless smile on her lips. It was disconcerting to say the least. Bear flexed his hands on the steering wheel. “What can I do to help you?” he asked, voice pitched quote low. “Is there packing you need done? Any arrangements I can help you with?”
“No, I have everything in control. I’m just working on some logistics, where to stop at night, places to stay, but I’m enjoying the planning. My first solo adventure.”
“Were you going to say goodbye?”
She hesitated, lips pursed. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because we already did that. Remember? It about killed me the first time. I’ve finally recovered and have no interest in going through any of that again.”
“So, who is driving west with you?”
“Me.”
“That’s a long way.”
“I’ll play some good music.”
He struggled to put his feelings into words. The last thing he wanted to do was push her further away. “Should you feel like some company, I’d be happy to ride shotgun. Once in Seattle, I can book a flight home.” He hesitated. “Or hang out and explore with you. I used to love being on the road. It’d be fun to do a road trip with you.”
“What about your business?”
“There’s nothing I can do until the equipment arrives, and that’s at least another three weeks, possibly longer.”
Josie’s eyes filled with tears, and she looked away. “I’ve been so upset.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“It was all just so demoralizing.” She looked at him now, her pain evident, her emotions still so raw. “My mom was wrong,” she added huskily, “but you, you, Bear, were the worst. You kicked me to the curb. You said terrible things.”
Bear swallowed around the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t ever do that to me again—regardless of the reason. If you have something to say, be honest with me. Respect me enough to tell me the truth.”
“I was trying to protect you, but I know now that I failed.”
“You can protect me from the bad guys, but you can’t be the bad guy.” Her voice broke and the tears were falling again. “I trusted you, Bear. I trusted you more than I’ve trusted almost anyone.”
He tilted up the steering wheel and then reached over and scooped her up, settling her on his lap. His arms went around her, and he just held her to him, held her firmly, held her as though he’d never let her go again.
She turned her face to his chest, finding that spot between his neck and collarbones. He felt her tears on his skin and her breath through the fabric of his shirt. “You said you loved me.”
“I do.”
“How much?”
“To the moon and back.”
She hesitated. “Aren’t the stars farther?”
“Then to the stars and back.”
“What about the moon, can’t it be the stars and the moon—”
“And the sun, and every other galaxy there is. I love you that much, Josie. I love you forever, from now until the end.”
She sighed and relaxed against him. “I need you in my life, Bear. We make a good team.”
“We make a great team.”
Silence stretched. Josie drew a slow breath, her hand against his chest, just above his heart. “Savannah said we weren’t done. She said this was a blip and not like you.”
He looked down at her in surprise. “You went to Savannah for relationship advice?”
Josie laughed and gave his chest a warm pat. “No. She just happened to be at Rye’s house the night you kicked me out. She was a good listener that night. She was there when I needed a friend.”
Bear wrestled with his emotions and then smoothed Josie’s hair back from her brow and kissed her temple. “I’m glad. I should have been your friend that night. But since I wasn’t, I’m glad someone was there. I love you, my sweet Josie. Can we try this again? Is it too late to make it work?”
She snuggled closer. “Never too late. Just like its written in Corinthians. Love is patient, love is kind. Love never fails.” She looked up at him. “Our love won’t fail, either.”
He kissed her lips. “It won’t. I promise you that, my heart.”