Chapter Fifteen
B ear had returned from his trip to Clyde Park unusually quiet and withdrawn. Josie couldn’t get two words out of him. He set his keys in the bowl on the narrow hall table, simply disappeared into his room and stayed there, claiming he had a headache and just needed some time in the dark, alone.
Josie couldn’t leave him alone, though, not when she was worried. She rapped lightly on his closed door. “Bear, I have some ibuprofen and water. It’ll help you feel better.”
“I don’t want anything.” His voice was a growl from behind the closed door. “I just need some time.”
She heard something different in his voice, something dark, something sharp, and it made her afraid. What had happened while he was gone?
She finally forced herself to leave his room, but it felt awful leaving him when he was in pain. He’d been fine earlier. He’d left the house in a good mood. He’d kissed her before he left, and he’d lightly touched her cheek as he smiled into her eyes and called her his sweet girl.
It was hours before Bear emerged from his room. Josie had made herself a turkey sandwich and nibbled on half even though it tasted like cardboard. She hated feeling anxious, but she was worried for Bear, worried he’d hurt himself, worried that something was broken or causing him terrible pain.
She was sitting on one end of the leather sectional in the living room when he rolled into the room.
“We have to talk,” he said.
His tone sent an arrow of ice straight through her. “Okay.”
He positioned himself across the room from her. He didn’t transfer to his recliner, but sat forward, his big forearms resting on his knees.
He didn’t speak for a long minute and then he lifted his head and looked at her, no warmth or emotion in his eyes. “This isn’t working. I’ve known it for the past few weeks, and I was a coward and didn’t say anything, but I can’t hide from the truth anymore. We can’t continue like this.”
It was even worse than she thought.
Josie gripped her hands in her lap, fighting for her composure. “I don’t believe you.”
“You should.” His tone was harsh, blunt, brutal, and he didn’t look away, he just stared into her as if she was nothing at all.
“What happened, Bear? What did I do wrong?”
Bear growled deep in his throat. “There’s nothing wrong with you. This isn’t because there’s something wrong with you . It’s because there’s something wrong with me.”
“Because you can’t walk?”
“Because there’s a million things I can’t do—”
“Not true. There are more things you can do than not do. You’re a remarkable human being, and you have everything I want in a person, a partner. You are everything I care about. You are smart, tough, compassionate, hard-working, honest, loyal, and gorgeous. I guess I’m allowed to be a little bit shallow. Your legs may not be working, Bear, but your face is.”
“Let’s cut to the chase. I can’t have sex. I can’t give you kids. I will have a lifetime of health complications, and I don’t want to put you through that.”
“If we wanted kids we could adopt. There’s lots of ways to be intimate without intercourse. And everyone has issues at different points in their life. Everyone has health problems.”
“It’s one thing to develop them later in a relationship. It’s another to start off a relationship with everything stacked against you.”
“I just don’t see it that way.”
“I appreciate your generous spirit, but when it comes to a relationship, both opinions matter, and my feelings on this are really strong. It’s not a little hang up. It’s a serious issue, and I’m not going to change my mind.”
She rose to go to him, but he rolled away. “Don’t touch me,” he gritted.
She flinched as if slapped but she held her ground, determined to fight. “We can work though this, Bear. If you give us a chance.”
“That’s just it. I’m not going to give us a chance. I can’t do it. I won’t do it.”
“But Bear, I love you—”
“You don’t.” His voice was hard, ruthless.
“Why are you doing this? What’s happened? Something happened, because this morning everything was good. Last night, everything was great.”
He shrugged. “I was faking it.”
“You weren’t. I know you.”
“But that’s just it. You don’t know me. You don’t know me at all.”
She tossed her head back, jaw firm, tears shimmering in her eyes. “You’re an ass.”
“Exactly. That is me, the real me. Ask Savannah. She’ll tell you. I am selfish. I am hard. I am driven and self-absorbed and everything that is not good for you. I am not good for you, Josie, and I’m going to be honest, you are not good for me.”
“ Why ?”
“You’re too soft, too sweet, too innocent, too hopeful. Sweetheart, you are beautiful, and I have a thing for your face. I have a thing for your eyes and that mouth and everything about you. I’m turned on by your sweet little package and I could get lost in your body, but once I’ve had enough, once I’ve had my fill—” He broke off, shook his head. “I’ll still be Bear Anderson, and Bear Anderson only cares about Bear Anderson. I’m not father material. I’m not boyfriend material. I’m not husband material. I was a good lover—and that’s the one thing I can’t do anymore. So sorry, sweets, I have nothing for you.”
“You’re just afraid,” she choked.
He shrugged. “Maybe, or maybe I’ve finally grown a conscience—”
“You’ve had a conscience this entire time. You went out of your way to apologize to me after our bumpy first meeting!”
“Then maybe I’ve just wised up and realized that as fun as it was playing house with you, it’s not fun anymore. I like you. I enjoy your company. But I don’t love you. I won’t ever love you, and it’s better for us to make a clean break of it now, before things progress any further.”
“You want me to move out?”
“I think you should.”
Her lips parted and then closed. She glanced away and blinked, holding back the tears. “I’ll need a few days. Rye and Ansley are going to a wedding in Missoula this weekend but once Rye’s home…”
“Not a problem. I’m traveling myself. I leave for Austin in the morning.”
She looked at him puzzled. “Are you meeting Dillon Sheenan?”
“And some of his friends. It’s a week trip, I’ll be back by the weekend.”
She nodded once.
“I’m sorry about how things worked out,” he said, his tone softening for the first time since they began talking, “but it really is for the best.”
“I’ll go stay at Rye’s tonight and pack up the small things tomorrow once you’re gone. By the time you’re back, the house will be all yours.”
*
Josie hadn’t cried on the drive to Rye’s, and she didn’t cry as she let herself into the dark house.
“I’m house-sitting for them,” Savannah said. “And taking care of Mick.” She nodded at the dog who had checked out Josie and then went to his dog bed in the corner and lay down. “What are you doing here?”
The last thing Josie wanted to do was talk to Savannah, but seeing as Savannah was supposed to be here and Josie wasn’t, Josie had to say something. “I needed a place to stay tonight. Do you mind if I crash here for the night?”
“Did you and Bear have a fight?” Savannah asked, putting a kettle on the stove.
Josie wasn’t even sure how to answer that. “I don’t know what happened,” she said, unsteadily, trying to keep all the emotion in check. “But the bottom line is that he asked me to move out, and tomorrow I’ll do that. Or at least everything I can get without Rye’s help.”
Savannah appeared dumbfounded. “What happened?”
“I don’t know. He… flipped a switch. Everything was fine and then it wasn’t.” The tears Josie had been holding back were back, but she didn’t want to cry, not in front of Savannah.
“There has to be more.” Savannah gestured to a barstool at the counter. “Sit down, I’ll make us some tea.”
Josie was grateful to sit. She was shaking, her legs weak, her insides churning. She felt wrecked and stunned. She still couldn’t make sense of what had happened.
“Did you have a fight?” Savannah asked, retrieving a box of herbal tea from the cupboard.
“No. We had coffee together yesterday, chatted about our days. He had some meetings and things. I was going to work on my notes and sketches for my design project for school, and when he returned, he was… different. Very quiet and remote. He went straight to his room and stayed there for hours. When he came out, he said we had to talk, and it was over.”
“So, you are involved. Not just friends.” But Savannah didn’t say it unkindly. Her tone was matter of fact.
Josie nodded. “It hasn’t been long. Just a couple of weeks.”
“And that was going well?” Savannah asked, dropping a teabag in each mug.
“I thought it was. We get along really well. Bear didn’t want it to become more than friends. I was the one who did. I wouldn’t say I seduced him, but I wanted more with him. I’m crazy attracted to him.”
“And he to you, I imagine.”
Josie nodded. “I thought we were doing well. I thought we’d become a pretty solid us.” She glanced at Savannah and then away. “But this evening when Bear finally came out of his room tonight, he was a different person. He said the past couple of weeks were a mistake. And that I needed to leave.” Her voice broke, and Josie wiped at her eyes, determined to keep it together. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry to dump on you like this.”
“It’s fine. If anyone knows Bear, it’s me.” The kettle began to whistle, and Savannah lifted it off the burner. “But this doesn’t sound like him. Bear is complex, but he’s steady. Solid. Bear doesn’t flip out for no reason. I’m shocked, to be honest. I’ve been jealous of you two.”
“You have?”
“Mmmm. Bear is so sweet with you. He’s a different person with you. Which makes me think there’s something else behind this. Something else that set him off. Bear is tough, but he’s fair, and this doesn’t sound fair.”
“I’ve been racking my brain, trying to figure out what I might have done, but I can’t think of anything. Last night was good, and our coffee this morning was good. I’d hoped my family would come over this weekend for a barbecue, but my brother has been tired, and my mom didn’t think it would be good to drag him over to Marietta.”
“Why didn’t she have you and Bear come see them at their house?”
“Bad timing, she said.” Josie bit her lip. She felt so raw and so confused. Nothing made sense. She was grateful to have someone to talk to, even if it was Bear’s ex. “Is that how your relationship ended? Kind of out of the blue?”
“No. Not the way you think.” Savannah filled their cups with hot water and carried them over to the counter, pushing one in front of Josie before sitting down on a stool.
Savannah’s long fair hair was in a loose braid, and she had no makeup on and still looked stunning. Josie didn’t think it was fair. Savannah was beautiful and talented and here in Marietta… waiting for Bear to be available?
“Are you hoping to get back together with Bear?” Josie asked, voice quavering. “I won’t be mad. I just need to know.”
“Bear and I will never get back together.” Savannah’s voice was firm, and she gave Josie a rueful smile. “Bear might love me, but he doesn’t like me, and I don’t blame him. Most of the time I don’t like myself.” She glanced down at her steaming mug and then back up at Josie. “How much do you know about him and me?”
Josie shrugged. “He’s never said a lot. He seems to keep his cards close to his chest.”
“That’s one way of putting it.” Savannah frowned, lost in thought. “Bear and I were never friends.”
“I can’t believe that. I’m sure he was nice in the beginning. But after all these years, I imagine it’s hard to remember what those early days were like.”
“Oh, it’s not hard to remember. We were insatiable. We were constantly, you know, every which way, every time we were together. He couldn’t get enough of me, and I loved it. I loved him.”
“But you stopped loving him.”
Savannah lifted her mug. “I don’t think one ever stops loving someone like Bear. He gets under your skin, you know?”
“But you ended the relationship.”
Savannah arched a brow. “He said that?”
“He’s said almost nothing, other than, when it ended between you two, you essentially had the last word.”
“I usually do.” Savannah smiled grimly. “But the ending of us was brutal. Not just on him, either. It was brutal for me, too. I loved him. We were going to get married and start a family—” She broke off, swallowed, her throat working. “But it didn’t work out that way.”
“You couldn’t accept the paralyzed Bear?”
“ He couldn’t accept the paralyzed Bear. I know you’ve only ever known this Bear, the one in a chair, but it was hard for Bear to go from being one thing and then another. My Bear wasn’t broken. He wasn’t a paraplegic. He’d always been on top, a winner, a champion. Nothing stopped him. He rode with injuries, broken arms, broken collarbones, injured legs, knees, hips. He rode with cracked ribs and collapsed lungs—”
“That’s terrible. Truly.”
Savannah’s shoulders rose and fell. “It was his choice, and his career. Bear has always known who he was, and understands better than anyone his identity, his value, and his appeal to audiences. Bear Anderson. Champion bull rider. Montana myth.”
Josie nodded, aware that Savannah was speaking the truth. Or his truth. Bear was his own person. He wasn’t one that could be manipulated or pushed. Which couldn’t have been easy for Savannah following the accident. “I can only imagine how awful it was after he was hurt.”
“It was. We had a difficult time figuring out our way forward. I don’t know how to talk about it still. It was so complicated and so heartbreaking, and I made some decisions that changed everything. As if everything hadn’t already been changed.”
That mocking note was back in Savannah’s voice, but Josie was learning that Savannah wasn’t poking fun at Josie, but rather mocking herself. Bear did that, too. They must have been one powerful, formidable couple.
“I’m sorry if I sounded critical,” Josie said. “I don’t mean to judge. I probably put the facts together and got it wrong.”
“I doubt you have it wrong. And if Bear hasn’t told you the truth, I will. When he was in his coma I ended my pregnancy. With his baby. We were engaged, and the doctors prepared me for the worst. They said it was unlikely he’d make it, and if he did, he wouldn’t be the same. So, I did what I thought was best for both of us.”
Josie had not known any of this, and she fought to hide her shock and revulsion. “But then he survived,” she said.
“He did. He was paralyzed. He had significant trauma. The next six to nine months were incredibly difficult.”
“At what point did you tell him you were no longer pregnant?”
“I didn’t tell him. Not initially, but that’s because he never knew I was pregnant. It was still early on, and I didn’t want to be a pregnant bride, and so I was in a bit of denial, thinking I’d tell him when the time was right, wondering if we should do a quickie courthouse wedding, and then have our big wedding with the family and friends later, after the baby was born. Then he was hurt, and I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy, deciding to never tell him, thinking it was best for him not to know.”
“Yet you told him.”
“I’d never kept secrets from him. I mean, I’ve kept secrets from lots of people, but never from Bear. We were always honest with each other, even when it sucked, but that honesty was a big part of what kept us together. Then suddenly I had this huge secret, and then two secrets—the pregnancy and the abortion. It was killing me. Eating me alive. I’d even gone to see a therapist about it, trying to wrap my head around the guilt, as well as the anger that my Bear was gone, and I was struggling to accept that he and I would never be the same. Not as we were.”
“Change is brutal.”
“And this was impossible.” Savannah pushed her tea away from her, palms pressed flat on the counter. “We had a huge fight one day. It had been brewing for a week or more. We were both frustrated and deeply unhappy, and Bear snapped at me, said something about me liking my fans more than him, and it just made me flip. I’d been trying so hard to be positive and cheerful for Bear, putting on a happy face for the rest of the world, and when he attacked me, I just let him have it. I shouted at him that it was a good thing we didn’t have the baby because he couldn’t even take care of himself.” She chewed on her lip a moment. “Of course, he asked what baby?” She shrugged. “I told him.”
“Oh, no.”
“Oh, yes.” Savanah tried to smile but failed. “A lot of things were said, terrible appalling things, the most hurtful upsetting things, and that was pretty much that. The end.”
“You haven’t forgiven yourself for what you said.”
“I haven’t forgiven myself for any of it. What I said, what I did. Bear can never have children now. I took his one chance at being a father away from him. I did that. Because I’m a selfish, horrible human being.”
Josie struggled to swallow around the lump filling her throat. She wanted to comfort Savannah, but she didn’t know what to say. She felt for Bear. She grieved for him. But she also felt Savannah’s pain. Savannah was still in a hell of her own making.
As if reading Josie’s mind, Savannah added with a laugh, “And now here I am pregnant again, and once again, with no baby daddy.” Her eyes shone with tears. “God really does have a funny sense of humor.”
Josie swallowed around the lump filling her throat. Twice Savannah had been put in an impossible situation while pregnant, and while Bear had survived his accident, Noah hadn’t. Noah wasn’t coming back.
Savannah reached down and shaped the loose fabric of her blouse to her tummy, showing up the bump. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m not going to end the pregnancy, but I don’t think I can keep the baby. I’m not prepared to be a single mom. Besides, it would end my career. Country fans might embrace a bad boy, but they don’t love a bad girl.”
Josie blinked, touched and moved. No wonder Savannah was here, camping out at houses, looking for a safe haven. What she needed wasn’t just a place to stay, she needed a friend. Josie leaned over and hugged Savannah hard before letting her go.
Savannah’s eyes were watering when she glanced at Josie. “What was that for?”
“Everybody needs friends,” Josie said fiercely.
“Yes, but not everybody deserves them.” And then Savannah winked and slid off the stool. “I’m going to go to bed, but I think you and Bear have unfinished business. My gut says you have more talking to do. There’s something he’s not telling you, but he should. He owes you the truth, and not whatever bullshit explanation he gave you tonight.”
*
Bear couldn’t sleep. He felt sick, physically and emotionally ill.
He hated what he’d said to Josie today. He hated what he’d done. He hated cutting her loose and pushing her away when everything in him wanted to keep her close.
It had been nearly impossible to say those things to her, and he’d hardened himself against her before leaving his room to speak to her. As he’d talked, he’d steeled himself against the hurt in her expression. He’d steeled himself from caring, because in his heart, he knew he was doing what was best for her.
Josie couldn’t see it now, but one day she’d be glad. She was only twenty-three, and one day she’d be glad he’d protected her, saving her for someone who would give her the life she deserved. Josie deserved the best. She deserved someone who would look out for her and put her first. Bear knew he couldn’t.
Not because he wouldn’t want to, but his accident had changed everything about him, giving him an injury that required constant vigilance. His paralysis meant he had to think for his body. He had to keep track of things most able-bodied men didn’t. When had he last used a bathroom? How long had he been sitting? Had he checked his skin lately? Were there any bruises? Any sores? Anything that could be a problem? He had to scrutinize himself the way most men would never have to scrutinize, and the last thing he wanted to do was turn Josie—beautiful, brilliant, passionate Josie—into his nurse. That was her sister’s calling. Not Josie’s.
But that didn’t make this easy. There wasn’t always joy in doing the right thing. And letting Josie find her future with someone else was the right thing, but it sure hurt like hell.
*
Bear’s truck was in the driveway when Josie drove to the house to begin packing all of her things. She’d parked at the curb but hesitated to turn the engine off. What if he was here? But what if he wasn’t, and it was just his truck here?
“I thought you were leaving for Texas.”
“My flight was delayed. I’m heading out this afternoon now.”
“I’ll come back then,” she said, retreating to the door.
He didn’t argue. He silently watched her start to go but at the last moment Josie turned around in the doorway. “Why are you so sure you are wrong for me?” she asked, facing him.
“Because I can’t give you everything you need. It’s as simple as that.”
“You’re talking about sex—”
“Yes, I’m talking about sex, but not just about sex. I’m talking about mobility and lifespan. Talking about struggles and hassles that will be with me forever. There is no healing an injury like mine. Why should you have to go through any of that if you don’t have to? Why should you be burdened with the problems I have?
“This is just so crazy. You’ve never talked like this to me—”
“But I thought it. Many times.”
“And is that why you were determined to keep me at arm’s length? Is that why the idea of kissing me was so awful? Why you were doing your best to treat me like a sister? No romance for fear that I would fall for you? Well news alert, Bear Anderson, I fell for you the first day I met you. So, there’s that.”
“I do compare you to Susie. You are right. And I wouldn’t want Susie to ever have less in life. I wouldn’t want her to date someone—or fall in love with someone—who was like me. I would do everything in my power to convince her to hold out for more, for better. Just like I want better for you.”
Josie shook her head, a slow, frustrated defiant shake of her head. “Can we just turn this around for a minute?”
“You can’t. Josie, I know what I’m dealing with, and I know what I’ve been through, and I know what will happen down the road—”
“I’m not Savannah, Bear. Maybe she couldn’t handle the challenges, but I can. I was there when Jasper was born, and I have been there on the nights that no one thought he’d survive, and we got through it as a family—”
“But I’m not your family.”
“But Susie is.”
“Yes.”
“And you said you wouldn’t want her to date someone like you, or to get serious with someone like you.”
“Yes. And I mean it.”
“Okay, but what if Susie was the one hurt? What if Susie was injured? Your beautiful, warm, loving, lovely sister who made the family laugh? Who has been there for you when you were at her lowest. What if she was in an accident, and paralyzed—”
“ Don’t .”
“Hear me out, Bear. What if she was single and her mind was all there, and her body was there, but due to a spinal cord injury, she was paralyzed. Would you want loving, strong men to avoid her? Would you scare off the good guys? Would you think she deserved less than she did before she was hurt?”
“Of course not.”
“Would you think Susie is just half of a woman now, so she only gets half of the man?”
“No. Never. She’d still be Susie.”
“Exactly.” Josie burned with anger, her hands knotted at her sides “You’d still want the best for her. You love her. You’re proud of who she is and the woman she’s become, and you’d want someone wonderful for her, someone who sees her as you do. And I see you. I don’t see what doesn’t work in you. I just see you, who you are, and who you have always been. But I also can’t make you love me, and if that’s really the issue here… you don’t love me… then you’re right. Let me go. Because that’s the only way I can leave you. It’s the only way I can give up on us.”
*
Josie held his gaze so long that Bear’s insides hurt, his chest tight, his gut filled with bits of broken glass. He didn’t want to lie to her. He wasn’t a man who liked dishonesty, but the truth would keep her here, tethered to him, and that was exactly what he couldn’t do.
“I don’t love you the way I should,” he said after an endless silence. “I’m sorry, Josie, I really am.”
Her features crumpled; her shoulders slumped. “You mean that, don’t you?”
“I do.”